I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

[FarOverTheRainbow]

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

Great news!

< Snoopy dance >

Thank you .

I hope 2014 will be a good year but I think it might get worse before it gets better but I just want to enjoy Christmas with my little pudding

Aww

Day at a time, lovely. Enjoy Christmas and put all the shit in the background for now.

Merry Christmas to you and dd

thats what I'm trying to do, I took DD to a winter wonderland thing and I have a brilliant day and she loved it! it was special and now I feel christmassy for the first time

Do just be careful taking your Mum there, you know he was watching her place, I would hate for him to have even a hint of where your new place is earlier than necessary.
Have a great Christmas!

I'll be thinking about you and hoping, hoping, hoping all goes well for you. As you say, it may still get worse before it's all over, but you are an amazingly strong woman and you deserve a peaceful life.

Thank you

the refuge staff gave all the kids big black sacks full of presents ntoday for christmas I was so surprised, I cant believe how much people donate to places so so generous

You've reminded me that some of us did a collection together for our local refuge this time last year. It was hard to grasp where it would gave gone but now I understand better.

its not something I ever would have thought of

ive been speaking to one of the other women tonight here who i get along with well and we were talking about our pasts and I remembered so much stuff that happened but id forgotten about which isnt a nice feeling. its nice having someone close by that you feel comfortable to talk too

I come back to see my mum and do the Christmas food shop and I just dropped my mum off and he drove past her and stared then 5 min later come back and got out his car approached my mum asking why ive stopped him see'ing his chikd she told him to go away and he ignored her and asked again andnshe told him to go away and walkee off. shes quite shook up theres no way hes going to leave us alone over christmas he.wasnliterraly minutes behind me

Your mum has to report this to 101 NOW!

You both need to get some protection from the courts!

This could be deemed as indirect contact to you iirc.

The fact that he's menacing and accusing her is very telling. A normal man would be at least saying sorry, how can we fix this.

Your ex is a shitty little abuser and he'll only ever get worse.

Your comment about talking with the other women there is why I always advocate doing the freedom programme in person, as you get to hear how much you've all had in common.

I always find that when we see the shock and horror of others at stories that we've normalised, and they see our reaction to ours, it helps us see the extent to the abuse to which we've been subjected.

It's frightening at first, but helps us learn to feel sympathy for ourselves. Note I said feel sympathy for ourselves not sorry for ourselves. BIG difference.

Do you think he saw you and waited until you'd gone to target your mum? You know what that means, don't you?

That seeing your dd is not what he wants, it's control of you, your mum and whoever else. He's not spared a single thought for your dd. This is all about him.

He's dangerous. Your mum has to call 101. She does this to protect herself, and it will actually help you too, as. It will go a long way in court that he did this. It will keep your dd safe.

You need to report this, and his car reg, he needs to be on the radar of the police.

What if he knows what car you're driving, what if he follows you?

You need help today to review your security.

Oh dear Far, your poor mum ... she should not have to worry about being accosted in the street by your ex.

It sounds to me like harassment and intimidation. Is there anyone at the refuge you can seek advice about this?

Good to hear you've got a friend at the refuge - being one to normally keep my thoughts and emotions to myself, I've found it hugely helpful to have a RL friend in a similar position to myself with a dickhead ex - we support each other. Try to keep in contact with her when you move out .

X posted with Hissy - and she's absolutely spot on.

He's been told to leave you alone, and he's now stalking the house he will assume you're living in and harassing your mother.

Have you got a good solicitor yet? I absolutely agree you need your mum to call 101 and report this, but the solicitor also needs to take steps, I think. He is completely riding roughshod over the situation and you are having to be in a refuge to get the hell away from him - horrible. A non-molestation order will include indirect contact and that means he can't hassle your mother.

Interesting that he wasn't interested in asking how to resolve things, as others have said, nor in asking how your dd was. Just demanding to have an explanation on why a man who bullies, intimidates, plays with sharp knives in a small room while having heated rows with you, tries to break in and steal and refuses to return dd unless you pay him in expensive electricals you have the receipts for (and repeatedly returns her soaked in her own crap and pee, no less, after dumping her all day to be cared for in his absence by a woman who likes it when she cries) can't fathom why he is no longer allowed contact until such contact can be made safe.

A good solicitor would be able to write an interesting position statement on this individual. Have you had any luck in instructing one yet?

Try not to worry. You knew he'd be this way, and you're safe and sound in a refuge right now and then in a flat he knows nothing about after that. But I really do think a new car is called for, and you shouldn't drop your mum off at her place for the moment - you need the legal protections in place.

my mum phoned the police and they said befause he wasnt threantening theres nothing they can do but theyve put it in the system so if she calls again they no what's happened and in case she needs to call the police at anytime they'll be right out

im back at refuge now couldn't get all the shopping done hut didnt feel comfortable or safe being there so come straught back. I'm worried about christmas now too

I feel so drained

Have you got a solicitor yet, Far? S/he can apply for a non-molestation order and then there will be something the police can do if he goes anywhere near you and yours. A solicitor will help you protect yourself, dd and your family really effectively.

Don't be scared. You're in a safe place and you have people around you who will look after you. Yes, it's draining but remember how much worse things were a couple of weeks ago - you were in his parents' house and he had a key and knew exactly where to locate you. Now, he has no idea, and in a way every nasty thing he does is another to write up on that position statement in explanation of why he needs contact via a contact centre.

If I were approached by someone near my house, who wouldn't go away when I asked them, or leave me alone when I asked them to, then I would feel threatened, intimidated, and bullied. Because they would be threatening, intimidating and bullying me.

i have a solcitor that the refuge sorted out but tbh im not completely comfortable with her. when I saw her she seemed grest and very honest weather you liked it or not and we agreed on what was going to haooen next and she told me she had to apply for the funding for a non molestation order and it would take 6 weeks to come through and in the mean time I have to wrote a diary and to get the refuge to help me with it and then she.sends me an letter outlining what was said but in the what happens next bit she said thay I haven't provided her with the diary she asked for my appointment was 3 days ago so she can't aoply for the funding yet so there's nothing she can do at the minute and im only entitled to 86 pound in legal aid

she also told me need to think about cutting DD Ddown on her BF because of the courts will soon say she has to see her donor for longer then 5 hours a time. looking back at it now I dont feel.comoeltely comfortable with her and I dont trust her 100% to fight for me so im looking at the links storm has posted

im safe now but what about over christmas? what about moving back and into this flat?

Don't worry. Get the diary written - your threads will come in great for that! Go back to the start of your first thread, all incidents since the split are dated. And jot down anything from before then as you go.

Just get it delivered as soon as possible and then she can apply for the funding. His court case should take quite a while to come through.

I wish perfectstorm was represneing you as your lawyer! is that inappropriate I agree with you that your current solictor doesn't seem to be getting the true picture here - that he is a threatening bully, who is only interested in himself and getting his way, NOT interested in you and, especially, dd's welfare at all.

I just don't get how the powers that be aren't seeing the bigger picture. They say ex wasn't threatening to your mum but, in the bigger picture, with all that's gone before, he is being threatening. This, from perfectstorm, sums it up this is the bigger picture:

Interesting that he wasn't interested in asking how to resolve things, as others have said, nor in asking how your dd was. Just demanding to have an explanation on why a man who bullies, intimidates, plays with sharp knives in a small room while having heated rows with you, tries to break in and steal and refuses to return dd unless you pay him in expensive electricals you have the receipts for (and repeatedly returns her soaked in her own crap and pee, no less, after dumping her all day to be cared for in his absence by a woman who likes it when she cries) can't fathom why he is no longer allowed contact until such contact can be made safe

Please do get the non-molestation order in place as soon as you can.

So glad you have somewhere safe to go - what a relief. I agree to not drive to your mum's house or to anywhere near there for the timebeing. And get a different car if you can.

i cant get a different car this side of christmas now but as soon as the new year hits I will do

im in most the day tomorrow so im going to get the diary done then and one of the ladies will go through it Monday for me

the refuge think that if I go to.my mums for christmas I shouldn't hide my car because I need a true feel of what he . will do when he see's it to help decide if moving back is the right or safe thing for me to do but I should.make.sure that me and dd are locked inside safe at all times and to call the police as soon as I see him.

Hmmm - I suppose they know what they're saying, have the experience etc. It's a bit like bait, really - maybe they want to draw him out so he shoots himself squarely in the foot. Yes, maybe it's better to get it over with, test the waters, before you move out of the refuge. Courage, girl!