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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 17/12/2013 19:58

Speak to the people at the refuge and get information on the help you can get when you move out. If you know what's there for that stage of this whole process, it'll help you make the decision. If its nice, good size, good area, you will regret not taking it if your options aren't anywhere near as good in a few months after you've had all the help/support etc from the refuge. When do you have to let them know? And how long after that til you move in?

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry · 17/12/2013 20:18

Flat sounds great. Good luck.

FarOverTheRainbow · 17/12/2013 20:26

I have to let them know by 11am tomorrow and will most likely be told I have to sign for it the same day. What I'm hoping is because the council give you free rent weeks there won't be any rent due on huge flat until 6th January and when you leave refuge you normally get granted 28 days so you can claim housing benefit for 28 days for 2 properties so I'm hoping that they say I can sign for the property, decide over new year depending on his behaviour if I'm happy to move back to the area sand then if I do I can either start my 28 days from 6 January for pay the rent myself for another week or two on huge flat then start my 28 days so I still have possibly 6-8weeks in the refuge with the support but then the otption of moving out then too and hopefully finding will be in place for the injunctions too.

Somehow I really don't think I'm going to be allowed to do this though Sad

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 17/12/2013 20:46

Far please go for the flat
You can prevent him coming near you, you need somewhere long term for you and dd

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 17/12/2013 20:49

Far, at the moment your ex has no idea where you are. He won't know where your new home will be. You are about to change mobile to be able to screen/filter/block his texts. He can then only contact you via your solicitor. For the time it'll take to get the injunctions etc in place, he won't be in a position to do anything about knowing where you are. I know you feel safe and supported there, and you are naturally worried about moving on, but the immediate fear you have, of him stalking/intimidating you, breaching your safe haven - I think it's very unlikely you'll need to worry about that. You can maintain your contact address as being via your mum for as long as you need to. Ask you solicitor about how you can go about keeping your new address completely private, so that he cannot know where you live. Make sure any/all authorities you contact are aware of the importance of not giving out any personal information and get passwords set on all your accounts/dealings.

There is a lot you can do to maintain your safety/security when you move, and hopefully the refuge can advise you on all of that.

Don't let this chance pass you by.

perfectstorm · 17/12/2013 21:00

Don't see why you wouldn't be allowed that at all, if it's normal for the council to offer those free rent weeks, and you're allowed to overlap for 28 days. That seems a really positive compromise - you have a nice new place to move to, and you have 6 weeks grace in the refuge to benefit from the support and sense of sanctuary there, too. Don't tell the council it will depend on his behaviour, just say yes you want it and sign. If he behaves badly enough that you can't move in, then they will just have to let it to someone else - you're allowed that 28 days overlap so you can explain why you need to break the contract and as you say, someone else will leap at the chance of it. I don't see why that isn't doable.

Also bear in mind that unless his solicitor is totally stupid, she will have to tell him that he is risking his volume of contact with dd if he steps out of line again with you. Up until now he's been his mummy's spoiled little prince who is allowed to behave any way he wants without consequence, and so he's bullied, threatened, stolen from and abused you without seeing any reason why he shouldn't. That isn't how a court will see it, and any good solicitor will warn him that he has fucked up badly already and any more abuse from him will make that worse. You're starting this contact hearing offering contact in a safe setting with a background of needing state funded legal aid and a place in a women's refuge because of him, and any decent lawyer will impress upon him that this is not a position of strength for him, and he needs to be Mr Perfect, going forwards. Hassling you will not help his case. And you were going to talk to the solicitor about a non-molestation order, weren't you - how was that going?

You have the offer of a lovely new home, that (being council) nobody can take away from you, and which you can make safe with advice from the shelter and the police. He doesn't know where it is and has no way of finding out, especially if you get a new car, as mentioned. You have a solicitor now to help protect you, and you should be able to get social services support if you're in a shelter as well. These are all really good things, Far, so you can protect your daughter and offer her a lovely new future moving onwards. He can huff and puff but he doesn't even know where your new home will be - he can't blow it down. You're safe and sound where you are and you can make the new place safe and sound, too, with advice on how to do that. It could be a real home for you and your dd, and you can from the sounds of it take that time to be supported in the refuge first, too. You're doing great.

FarOverTheRainbow · 17/12/2013 21:39

I really really hope they let me do that but I don't think they will, surely if I have another place to live I'm just wasting a valuable refuge space

OP posts:
springythatlldofornow · 17/12/2013 23:02

They wouldn't be offering it if they didn't think you need it - so, yes, it's a valuable space for you .

Because of the circumstances, it's not always possible to move in the blink of an eye. Abuse agencies/refuges recognise that moving onto the next stage takes careful handling and doesn't happen overnight. I assume this is why they work hand-in-hand with the council, recognising that a woman coming out of a refuge needs some leeway eg 28 days.

It all sounds good to me. Take everything you are offered - you need it, it's in place for people like you and dd.

I'm so glad to hear that the place you have been offered is lovely. As perfectstorm says, you will be able to make it safe. You have a lot of support to that end, lovely.

(btw all that stuff he's sent through his solicitor is a lot of hot air. Don't take it seriously. Remember he's got his sister giving him crappo legal advice to put the wind up you - and she's probably advising him to throw his weight around. Dear, dear - let him try throwing his weight around in the courtroom; the judge will shrivvle him down to the size of a peanut. Which is what he is.)

passedgo · 18/12/2013 09:23

Just say yes to the flat, if a problem arises later on, you can come back here for advice. Just accept the flat and be honest with them if they ask you questions.

Try to work out what the shortfall will be if you do have to pay (after you've signed for it). But stay in the refuge for now and take advice from people that have been through this before.

FarOverTheRainbow · 18/12/2013 10:01

If I accept my 28 days start now

OP posts:
passedgo · 18/12/2013 10:11

That's OK isn't it?

tripper20 · 18/12/2013 10:13

Please take the flat. You will feel better and more relaxed when you can be in your OWN home, with your own stuff around you. You can make it secure, and let the police know so you can alert them immediately if he decides to call.

It is not everything, but believe me, having a safe roof over your head makes all the difference. It will be a big weight off your mind. You have so many things being thrown at you at the moment, and too many decisions to make all at once, you need to be able to stand back and prioritise. Not everything has to be dealt with immediately, but unfortunately this does.

Good luck Xmas Smile

ShinyBauble · 18/12/2013 10:43

You should accept it. Imagine how gutted you'd be if the only places that came up after were grotty mouldy bedsits. Accept the nice place, and then you have the best part of a month to transition.

FarOverTheRainbow · 18/12/2013 13:02

I have accepted it but te refuge are delaying my 28 days to see how I feel over Christmas being back at home and if he kicks off then I can go back to the refuge and give the flat keys back

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 18/12/2013 14:09

That sounds like a good compromise Far. You can make this flat a safe haven with some simple precautions so take all the advice you can over how to do that. Make sure you stick to contact only via your sols, and take all the help and support you can get while you are still there.

perfectstorm · 18/12/2013 16:58

I'm glad the refuge are working with you to ensure you get the support you need and deserve. Hopefully they and the police and your solicitor can set things up so you feel at ease and safe in the new place. And it is yours - not a short term rental, not owned by anyone who has their own agenda, your own lovely new place.

Also hope you've had good news with your chosen solicitor and can start the ball rolling there, too.

Jux · 18/12/2013 17:02

Good news, Far. The police (and Council?) can arrange for various things to be installed to add protection and help you feel safer there.

I would still talk to a solicitor about pursuing a non-molestation order to that too.

FarOverTheRainbow · 18/12/2013 19:18

i do feel like a weight has been lift of my shoukders by knowing I have the flat there if I want it. I sign for the keys tomorrow and refuge said they will see if theres a thingbin the area that xome out and check the propety and see how to makenit safer and more s3cure and then donthe work for free

OP posts:
springythatlldofornow · 19/12/2013 00:05

Great news, well done Xmas Smile

Jux · 19/12/2013 08:30

Way to go, Far! That all sounds so positive.

FarOverTheRainbow · 19/12/2013 16:30

the flat is all signed for Smile I do feel good about it but just worried about christmas. I dont want to feel to good in case I end uo having to give the keys back. going to take my mum uo there on the weekend ane show her it

took DD out to see santa the and a wonderland things today and she loved it so had a really good day

OP posts:
FarOverTheRainbow · 19/12/2013 16:44

aand i have a new mobile number

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 19/12/2013 18:56

Delurking to say - that's brilliant, well done you! You've come so far in such a short time!

Hissy · 19/12/2013 19:00

:) happy face!

whitsernam · 19/12/2013 19:10

Merry Christmas! This looks like the start of a great year for you. I really hope so!