I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

[FarOverTheRainbow]

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

Get yourself on the freedom programme,b and referred for counselling via the GP. That's a start. You can do this.

Your abuse was of a kind that was subtle, but reversible. The escalation was after he'd left, so while shocking, was thankfully short. It's scared you, but as you've caught yourself so quickly, you can turn this around quickly.

The phone support would be from the refuge. On top of that there's WA helpline AND respect helpline.

Furthermore you have your HV.

You can do this.

You should be able to get a non-mol based on his refusal to adhere to boundaries, and respond to police warnings, not to mention the drive-by of your mum's.

You can do this. Go see the place on Monday and as long as you like it and can make a go of it, take it and relax in your new home.

This guy's spooked you, but he's a rank and twatty amateur. You have MN in your pocket, by your side 24 hours, and you have the police, the HV, the council and the refuge with you.

I do think if you could visit the refuge, getting your flat and getting your future secure would be worthwhile. Do talk through all the pros and cons with people there though, they may be able to propose other options.

I really want to make me and DD a home and I got it in y head that we would be
Moving to this flat and I plan things in my head for the future and now for that to be in question just confuses me further. I'm worried about taking this flat and him finding out and smashing my windows or getting someone else to, turning up drunk, damaging my car and just being a nightmare

When you leave refuge your not allowed back to visit, not sure why but its a rule

I think it's to keep it's location secret. It's an added layer of security. How are you getting on apart from your quandary about the flat? Did you have a good Saturday?

This is the sort of thing you could see your MP about - that's what they're there for, to fight your cause. Tell him/her what you wrote in your last post. It's definitely worth a try, though it's not guaranteed you'll get lucky (some MPs are looking for a cause to support to further their career ) ( she says cynically ). It's awful that you have to worry about stuff like the above and can't relax where you are - until you're ready, and the time is right, to move. I'd also get your GP onside, detailing the above, who may have some say in this. GPs have a lot of clout.

In the meantime, one foot in front of the other. Try to take each day as it comes and try not to worry about the future. I know that's easy to say but give it a try: 'worry' about the day you're in, keep the days compartmentalised.

Good MPs have a lot of sway in council offices. An elderly lady near us was having a horrendous time with the council and some botched repairs and damage caused by them and was being fobbed off and actually insulted when calling to complain. Once the local MP was involved it was all sorted for her within 2 weeks - the caseworker contacted a senior council officer who investigated personally.

It may be that the person handling your case at the council is just a jobsworth. I remember being appalled at the very narrow way some council workers approached cases - they gave exact info, no additional help or suggestions for workarounds. Others would bend over backwards to help, it all depended on how effective and motivated to help the worker was. So involving the MP would be a good start. But sometimes info given is just wrong - it may be that an exception could be made, in your circumstances, and the worker didn't know/remember that. Which is where Shelter can be really handy. A chap working for my husband was misinformed that he wasn't entitled to help, when actually with a young baby he was a priority case and very much was. Shelter were able to provide the info and a caseworker got on to the council for him and sorted it. So please don't just assume you've been told correctly - there is never any harm in looking for alternative routes. Always worth pushing for more info. They that don't ask, don't get for sure - if you ask, sometimes it will pay off.

First things first, view the flat. Take it from there. And get the ball rolling on the non molestation order.

And I agree with perfectstorm, your local MP could be a good resource for you. You could ask the refuge staff if they've had any dealings with him/her.

I had a good but stressful day today Jax, decided to go into town to try and finish my Christmas shopping and it was like a zoo think ill stick to asda and online now

How would I go about finding and contacting my local MP? And who would be local to me, where I am now or where I can from?

I view the flat Tuesday and they've made an appointment for me 3 hours later on the same day to sign the keys if I decide I want it so I need to move pretty fast and Mondays a crazy day too

Here, my lovely. Just bung in your post code and it will sort out who your MP, MEP, local councillors, the lot www.writetothem.com/. I think you could write to both MPs - your old area and your current area.

Glad you got into town today, even though it was busy. I love all that bustle, but it must have been pretty overwhelming and stressful for you.

Everything is moving fast right now isn't it?

Thank you Jux, any ideas of how to explain/put my situation across to them?

I normally love Christmas and I get really into the festive activities and shopping but this year doesn't feel like Christmas in anyway. I'm trying so hard to get in the mood but there's no way I'm going to be able to have 5min peace and enjoy Christmas Day, I'm just going to worry all day

Such good advice from springy about concentrating on the immediate rather than looking too far ahead and being overwhelmed.

When you write to MP, don't feel you need to explain all the background. Maybe just say you are in a refuge, want to move back 'home' and the council won't hold their offer till you feel safe enough to return. Say you are very frightened for your child and yourself. They will ask you questions to fill in the background.

Can you phone rather than writing as you need immediate help? Don't be put off if you don't find the right person straight away. As perfectstorm (I think) says, it so depends on who you speak to. Which is so wrong, I know, but true.

I so admire you and wish you happiness and peace - soon!!

When I have written to my MP (a pretty senior and busy Conservative) she has always investigated and got back to me pretty quickly. And I wouldn't even vote for her (well unless the only other party with a hope here put in a really nasty/hopeless person).

But, this used to be a Conservative safe seat until they put someone in here who: didn't live here and didn't care 2p for the constituency. He got voted out at the very next election.

I do agree about the council. Local authorities are a funny lot she says generously and it's a bit of a lottery whether who you speak to knows full rights and exceptions or cba : they do have a tendency to trot out the party line without taking the time to consider exceptional circumstances - I assume because some prospective council tenants can have a tendency to drag their feet for various reasons (eg 3 hours isn't long to consider whether someone is happy to live in a particular property..). I suppose they see it that it's housing and they don't have much truck with hesitation. Your situation is different and I would definitely push - eg Shelter - to dig deeper with this. I would also telephone your MP to get the ball rolling asap. You will probably leave a message (they should get back to you promptly; if not, call again [and again.. and again]) - so get something written down ready to recite as a voicemail.

Phone and leave a message today. Send an email today. Include your adress and phone number and ask MPs to call you urgently. Both MPs I think.

Then call again tomorrow - both - and call again and again, until you get a response. Just outline what's happened, what the problem is and what you would like to happen; bullet points. Then you can just answer their questions and give details as they want them.

I hope your meeting with the solicitor went well today

How was the solicitor? Did you manage to get hold of either MP?

The solicitor was helpful. Very straight and to the point and of you didn't like it then tough. She said I can get an injunction and residential order but it takes 6 weeks for the funding to be in place then we make the application. She said he could make an application to the court in the mean time though. She said we can make him
Jump through all kinds of hoops before access is agreed including parenting classes, drug tests all
That hell have to pay for. She said as DD gets older he's going to want more access time and ill need to think about trying to space DDs BF out more. She said she wasn't telling me to stop just that questions will e asked when she's 2 or something and he wants over night access. She said there's nothing ican really do about him giving her to his mum and she told me I need to write a diary of all the abuse over te last 6 years and I said I don't fully understand it myself and she said that doesn't matter I can say that but I need to go over everything and that it might e good for me to do it with the support workers here and she said its good that I'm still in refuge and then I explained about the council she was like 'oooo that's a good area your lucky to get offered that you won't get anything like that again
Oooo' so WTF do I do? I'm hoping one of the MP will call back this morning I've left messages saying my viewing is today but nothing. Ill start phoning again soon

What do I do about this flat? I have to view as decide today

Far, to be entirely honest, I would take the flat. The problem is, I come at this without having had an abusive relationship, and never having gone through the council at all, so I don't think my opinion matters too much.

The thing is, from what you've said, you want to be settled in your own place, and you might not get another offer again.

Once you're in your own place, you can arrange to have yourself protected from Ex. You can arrange any hand overs at a neutral place, you can have the police remove him from there.

I think, on a practical level, it's very, very unlikely that your MP will step in on your behalf, and even less likely that he will get back to you on time.

Obviously, I bow to anyone else's advice that comes along, but to my mind, having your own home sorted and without that 'where will I go in 2 months?' thing hanging over your head is quite important right now too.

I agree with looking - you can still get a lot of help and support out with the refuge, albeit you do get a lot of help while there. If it's a good flat, nice area, and it means you are settled somewhere you can call home, you'll still have your solicitor, you can still source help and support with how to deal with your ex and his family. This could be a new start, somewhere safe for you and your DD. Give it a chance, and take someone like your mum with you to have a 2nd pair of eyes/opinion.

Ditto I have no experience of your situation so you can ignore my post too.

I would take the flat if in a good area near good schools you don't want to be wishing you had taken it 6 weeks down the line

good luck today with whatever decision you make xx

I'm
Thinking what if I take it and it goes against me? I want it to e horrible so there's no choice but I'm
Scared of saying no and ended up in a hovel somewhere so confused

She said there's nothing I can really do about him giving her to his mum

That is rather alarming. Could you print out your old thread under your old NN and show it to her? Is she aware of how sadistic your exMIL was to your DD?

Stay strong Far - and why aren't you sure about the flat? Do you have an address for it? Ask RL people around you what kind of area it is. To be honest even if it's a dodgy area, it doesn't really matter. Your DD won't be going to school for a few more years etc.

Far, how can you taking this flat go against you? You have established enough to get legal aid because of his abusive behaviour. If he applies for contact meantime, before you get all the legal stuff in place, you can insist on this being only at a contact centre, where you don't have to see him, and his mum isn't allowed. Long term can be dealt with later. You need to focus on what you are dealing with now, make a decision on what you have in front of you and not keep looking at everything all at once. It will all be dealt with in time.

Remember you've spoken to your HV at several points, and she can support your insistence on supervised/supported contact for him only. You have police involvement supporting your version of his behaviour. Taking a flat, so you have a secure base for you and DD isn't something that will be held against you.