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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:
passedgo · 13/12/2013 10:33

That sounds as though they are very concerned about his behaviour. If he is that bad then yes you should stay there. They have probably seen similar cases to yours and are basing their advice on that.

Three months will give him time to cool off and understand that he can't get away with this any more. He will probably drift away himself after that amount of time. It also means that when you do move, you are going to stay there and you won't need to move again.

CalamitouslyWrong · 13/12/2013 11:51

Oh, I don't want to derail the thread with my crappy family. Grin. No I don't see him any more, and it's been so long that I don't really give him any thought any more. I don't have much relationship with my sister either because she's incredibly difficult. I'm sure the psychological damage of our upbringing contributed to that, but she is a total nightmare.

I was mostly trying to help far to understand the dodgy power plays that are behind insisting on seeing your child(ren) and then dumping them with someone else. Sadly, some parents are too caught up in winning their pathetic battles or hurting their ex to care about what it does to their children.

Far: you are doing so brilliantly to protect yourself and your daughter from this utterly awful situation. I'm so glad you have proper support.

springythatlldofornow · 13/12/2013 14:02

Ah, great that they are offering to extend your place there. I think it would be a good idea to take it - as a pp said, they know what they're doing and have the experience, they wouldn't offer it unless they thought it was in the best interests of you and dd.

One of the reasons could be that he and his family are on the warpath - a good few months of you being completely off the radar will protect you from their nastiness and constant manipulations. It will be good for him and his family to know they can't have their way in anything they set their mind to - not that they would get their own way anyway, but you don't want to have to weather their constant bombardments in the process of them finding out they are on shakey ground.

You would also get the chance to smooth your feathers and live in PEACE, which can't be underestimated.

Jux · 13/12/2013 16:20

Far, you can accept their offer of 3-4 months and see how it goes. It may be that you will be ready to move earlier than that. They are giving you an approximate timescale, but no one has to stick to it.

If you feel safe there at the moment, and you can eat and manage day to day life, then I'd stay for the time being.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 13/12/2013 16:43

They've arranged for me to see a solicitor Monday but the council have phoned and I have to view this flat Tuesday and decide by then if I want to take it. The women spoke to the council and explained the situation to see if they could put a hold on y application until I'm ready to leave here but they said they couldn't and if I don't accept it ill be out to the bottom of priority and you can only make one homeless application in 12m. They said I can make other applications to other councils based on DV but not to them. So if Idont accept this i won't get another council place in my home town, I'd either have to rent or move somewhere else. My head is more messed up then it was this morning

OP posts:
brainonastick · 13/12/2013 18:23

Can you accept it, but just not move in until you're ready? I have no idea if that's possible or even a good idea, but you could talk to the refuge about it and see what they suggest?

Jux · 13/12/2013 19:07

How long before you would have to pay rent? I mean, if you were to accept it, under normal circumstances, you wouldn't necessarily move in on Wednesday would you? There'd be a lull before you had to start paying rent.

I am wondering whether you could accept it, but stay in the refuge, claim HB (which you would probably have to do anyway) and pay the rent until you were ready to move in?

I ahve no idea whether that is practical or allowable or anything.

I am cross that the Council are so inflexible. I know that Council houses are like gold dust, but surely they could just keep your application bobbong about at the top until you're ready. At least you're seeing the solicitor before Tuesday, and have a few days to see what the refuge people say about it.

ShinyBauble · 13/12/2013 19:31

To be honest brainonastick they have rules about council home occupation. I don't think she would be allowed to take a place and not move in for three months. I live in a HA house, and I can only be out of the house for six weeks a year. Of course, they don't HAVE to know, it just depends whether the neighbours would mind their own business or not.

It might be an idea to view the place unless you've been advised against it. For all you know it might be unsuitable anyway. If you do want it, you could potentially have a few more weeks at the refuge while the paperwork is completed?

But it's horrible that they won't make exceptions for women who are in refuges ffs.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 13/12/2013 20:10

You get 2 free weeks at Christmas and sometimes they give you 1 free week to decorate so if I got that I wouldn't have to pay rent until 6th January. I have to claim housing benifit at the refuge but they can apply for a transition period where I could possibly ge another 4 weeks here.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 13/12/2013 20:11

I would imagine that the refuge will need OP to claim housing benefit for her residency there, too. They must be expensive to run, and they'll need every penny they are entitled to claim to keep them open and working. It's just a guess and so I may be completely wrong, but I would assume a stay of any length of time relies on claims for HB by residents, to help meet some of the running costs. And it wouldn't be possible to claim for 2 addresses, obviously.

Perhaps a visit to the flat would be good, as another poster suggests. If it's horrible, then you have the decision made really, don't you. I'd also call Shelter, as councils can be remarkably precise in giving facts, without giving other options, at times. You may have other entitlements/grounds to claim they either don't know about or aren't sharing with you. Worth a try, anyway?

perfectstorm · 13/12/2013 20:11

X post, Far.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 13/12/2013 20:38

Thanks for the idea about calling shelter, ill speak to the support worker Monday and hopefully she'll call them

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 14/12/2013 08:27

I went to bed last night thinking, I know that at this minute in time it's right for me to stay at the refuge, the support ill get here is brilliant and to walk away from that into the unknown when I know things are going to get worse isn't going to be a good thing for me, it's tough that ill have to turn down this flat BUT when the time comes to leave ill deal with the mess then. Then I was up in the middle of the night and think, ill be mad to turn down this flat it's in a good area I won't get offered another place like it, I can't just say ill face moving when the time comes if I stay because going back into town wot really be an option so take the flat and you'll have no choice but to deal with whatever happens.

I just don't bloody no Hmm

OP posts:
passedgo · 14/12/2013 08:33

Talk to the staff at the shelter, maybe they can do something to get the council to hold it for you?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 14/12/2013 08:37

We tried that pass Hmm they can't do anything. If I refuse this place I can only apply to other councils when I'm ready to move out.

I feel so much pressure to make the right decision. It's a huge and I want to do what's best for DD, I don't want to keep up rooting her from one place to another, she still isn't settled here and it's not fair on her

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 14/12/2013 09:05

Go and see it - you will know then whether you can feel safe there. If it's not until the 6th of Jan you might feel very different by then.

ShinyBauble · 14/12/2013 13:35

Absolutely, tell them you'll attend the viewing, take someone else with you if possible as a second pair of eyes, and to distract your toddler if she gets grumpy.

All I would say is try not to be late! It's best to aim to be ten minutes early if possible and wait, some councils will do anything to justify getting names struck off their lists. I don't want to worry you, but you can't risk being 15 minutes late.

perfectstorm · 14/12/2013 13:45

Just chiming in to support the other posters. If you fall in love with it, then it may influence your choice, and if it's miserable and depressing then same, in the opposite direction. Nothing to lose by going to look, is there?

It's so unfair that you have to be this on the ball and organised when you have been so strong so long, and probably just want to curl into a ball and put your head under the covers for a few days. Life is usually like that and it always struck me as one of the worst things about really hard times. But in a way, this is the first time you've had to choose between two positive options in a long time, isn't it? Whether a new place is better, or staying somewhere you'll have heaps of support instead. So that is progress, when up till recently your choices were between different awful options. Neither one is a disaster in any way, so you can pick the best for you - a tough choice, but at least a positive one?

nobeer · 14/12/2013 14:21

Sorry I haven't posted before, just been lurking. I don't know how WA works, but could you take the flat (if you like it, of course!), and continue to see the WA counsellors at a day centre? I think you really need their continued expert support.

NadiaWadia · 14/12/2013 14:26

I am so sorry far what stupid rigid rules there are. And this situation must have come up quite often with other women, you would think the Shelter and the Council could have got together to modify the rules and make an exception in cases like yours.

But I wonder if the Shelter could maybe still give you help and support even if you are not living there? Or could you stay there for a year so that you would then be eligible to make a new application for housing?

ChasedByBees · 14/12/2013 18:07

That is really inflexible. What support are the refuge giving you? I'm wondering if its support you could still access on an 'outpatient' basis if you visited there still.

Hissy · 14/12/2013 19:57

Talk to the staff At the refuge! Go see the place, if it's habitable, take it.

You can't afford to go to the bottom of a pile!

You can get help from the refuge outreach workers, and you can get support. You can do this!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 14/12/2013 20:04

The support that the refuge offer is 6 weeks worth of phone calls, they don't do visits because their to busy and they can't come to appointments with you either. At the minute I'm thinking I'm going to stay and when it's time to move ill try and get something close to home and if I sill don't like it ill try and he an exchange and if not ill apply to the local coucil again when my 12m are up. But I'm still going to view it and if the solicitor says I can get an injunction Monday and then the place is nice ill be tempted to take it.

I make a decision and feel very strog about it and then hours later I'm unsure Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 14/12/2013 20:14

I suppose one of the good things about being with XP was that I didn't have to make decisions Hmm

OP posts:
NadiaWadia · 14/12/2013 20:29

So you mean they wouldn't be able to visit you if you're living on the outside? But does that mean you wouldn't be able to go in and see them either?

You are getting stronger far and have faith in your own decisions. Don't wish yourself back with him. You and DD deserve so much more.

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