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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 10/12/2013 21:49

Far, there are police witnesses to his having sat outside your home to intimidate you. There are texts showing he bullied and hassled and threatened you. It doesn't matter what he says - he can whine and pout and stamp his entitled little feet all he likes, it makes no difference. He's going to be in court to seek contact, and you're happy for him to have it as long as your child is safe and well cared for. The judge is not interested in working out who is in the right, vindicating your ex or patting his whiny little head. They're busy people trying to get the best outcome for the kid(s), so if he thinks it's going to be a trial of who is the bad guy, he's in for a sorry disappointment, because it isn't. And the nastier he is about you, the more he makes your case for you, because it shows he has no insight into his own behaviour. Truly, stop worrying. It doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say - you have solicitors to worry about that, you just focus on getting the future sorted. They are used to dealing with manipulative, abusive arses. It's their bread and butter. He can't scare or twist things to them, because they don't care about him or what he thinks. They're there to do a job, which is to look after your dd's best interests.

You really haven't done anything wrong here. And you really have nothing to feel bad about. You're protecting your child. If the ex had behaved like an actual human being, none of this would ever have happened - including you and your dd needing to be in a women's refuge instead of your mum's house. Sad You tried to make contact work - he used it as a tool to steal the electrical equipment. Think that says it all.

bunchoffives · 10/12/2013 23:34

It's time you stopped worrying about being unfair to him Far and started to get angry.

If you were my daughter I'd be absolutely livid with your ex. Here are you and DD, having been made homeless by your DD's grandparents and in a refuge to escape their pathetic excuse of a son. And over Christmas too. Angry

Look at all the stress he's caused you. Look at how many people have had to intervene and support all because of his pathetic bullying. Look at the time the police and WA/refuge have had to devote to protecting you and DD - and all because of his selfish, nasty bullying.

If I were you I would no longer care what he would make of a non-mol order or restricted contact application. These are the consequences of the way he has chosen to behave and continues to behave. Focus on you and DD.

springythatlldo · 11/12/2013 00:44

In short, it's not about what you say or what he says, it's about what the witnesses and the evidence say. There are plenty of witnesses and evidence that he is using her to abuse you. As perfectstorm says, the judges are only looking to get the child/ren safe and won't listen to anything other than evidence. You are in a refuge - there is no way you would have got a (precious) place in a refuge if the powers that be didn't think you needed to be there to be safe. That alone says enough - but you also have police witnesses that he threatened and intimidated you. The evidence is banked up on your (and dd's) side. You have nothing to fear.

I said 'in short' and I was 'in long' - sorry Xmas Blush

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 11/12/2013 14:03

My heads even more puzzled now, I need to decide by the weekend if I want to move back to where I use to live to the flat the coucil have offered me or if I want to start again somewhere else. I'm worried about going back there because I do think when he finds out where I live he will cause me problems but I've never imagined living anywhere else and I don't want to move away from my friends and family. So confused.

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 11/12/2013 14:08

I can see that would be a tough choice, but I think if I were you I would choose the local place. Yes he's there, but as you say, so is your support network.

If you moved away, and he did track you down, you would be away from the people who would support you.

Is the flat suitable, or would you like to wait for something better locally?

Hissy · 11/12/2013 14:09

You have until the weekend.

Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow.

Get the non-mol order and you will be protected. In short, live where you WANT to live.

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 14:11

If you got a non-molestation order, which would extend to your not being harassed by any of his family or friends, would that give you any confidence that you'd be safe from him?

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 14:12

X-post with Hissy.

And you seem well loved by family and friends, so why should you and your dd lose out on that because of him, I agree.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 11/12/2013 15:01

I haven't saw the flat yet but they could call me any day now to go and view it

If I knew he couldn't come near then it would make me feel a little better. I just feel like he's never going to leave me alone.

Dd is obsessed with the Christmas tree and being over tired she is not fun today Hmm

OP posts:
wonderingagain · 11/12/2013 15:01

I would imagine that a lot of these men get tired of it after a while and go and start somewhere fresh where they can find a gullible new community/partner to ensconce themselves into.

It would be an added stress to move away from family and friends, and either way he might find you - at least by staying you have more people around that can see him coming and keep an eye out for you.

Jux · 11/12/2013 21:18

I think you need support from your family and the scent of familiar places more than you need to protect yourself feom him. The police are at the end of a phone and can get to you in no time if you need them.

I would start off with the local place if it's OK. Your mum will be around. You'll know where everything is. So you won't have to think about those sort of practicalities.

If he ramps things up, tracks you down, makes a nuisance of himself, then there are transfers between council properties, swaps, stuff you can do then, but you may not need to.

But that's just my opinion.

perfectstorm · 11/12/2013 21:54

I'd talk it through with the advisors at WA. They have a lot of experience, sadly. They can give you an informed opinion and also help with what can be set up to keep you safe in your own local area.

EQ2Junkie · 11/12/2013 22:00

Toss a coin. Heads to stay there, tails to move away.

How do you feel based on which side of the coin shows? ie if it is tails to move away and you are really upset, stay put.

It will help your gut feeling of what you feel will be better.

Hope that makes sense Smile

stickysausages · 11/12/2013 22:07

A fresh start would be tempting.... but your mum sounds very supportive, do what feels best for you. My stepmum had a panic button in the house when she was being hassled, there are ways to feel safe at hone if you stay.

CalamitouslyWrong · 12/12/2013 08:08

Far: when I was a teenager my parents split up. My dad refused outright to see my younger sister but insisted on seeing me regularly. He'd pick me up, take me all the way to the other side of the city and dump me with my grandparents/his sister. He'd also plan nice things and then not show up (a particularly memorable and much anticipated trip to the theatre) or refuse to take us (he organised a holiday to disney world and the day before we were due to go he decided that he would punish my mum by not taking us, and took my aunt and cousin instead; I then had to listen to how great the holiday was when I was dumped with them afterwards).

It was, I now realise, all about the power. He didn't care about me or my sister. All he cared about was our value as weapons in his war against my mother. He hurt her by refusing to see my sister and also hurt her by insisting on seeing me. It was incredibly damaging for us both.

You are doing a much better job than my mother did because you have recognised what your ex is doing and are taking steps to protect both your daughter and yourself. That makes you brilliant.

BlueGoddess · 12/12/2013 11:03

Would it help to do a pro and con list for staying in each of the areas?

Your stomping ground, for example would have a pro of people to support you, and a con of him.

If the cons can be managed, for example by an order to stop him coming near you then they can be crossed off.

You are doing fabulously, and you have my admiration. Cake

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 12/12/2013 22:31

I've spoken to the lady here tosh quickly and I have another meeting tomorrow and they've said they don't think in ready to leave and could do with being here for another 3-4m so they said what do I think to the idea of them phoning te council and explaining the situation and see'ing if they would put my application on hold for a while

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2013 23:12

How do you feel about that?

ChasedByBees · 12/12/2013 23:18

They do sound very supportive and I'm glad to read you feel safe there. I think a while longer to get mental reserves of strength built up would be good x

CalamitouslyWrong How could any father do that to his children? I hope you don't see him now?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 12/12/2013 23:29

I didn't refresh before I posted Blush that's terrible what your father done. It must have caused so many problems and hard feelings between you and your sister Hmm

I mostly feel like I would be a good thing, the support they can give while things go through court sounds amazing and I think that would really help me but then another part of me wants to just get on with things but then another part of me doesn't know where I want to get on with them, IYSWIM? I'm really hoping the council don't want me to view this place before Christmas so it gives me a little more time but I'm really confused

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2013 00:54

You do have a lot on your mind right now. There have been so many profound changes to your life in a very short time. You have been fighting one way or another for a long time. It will take time for you to stop automatically going into protective mode, and to stop worrying or being scared.

Where would you rather be while you are unwinding and learning to see the world around you as generally benign, rather than a place where you have to be on your guard?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 13/12/2013 09:58

A part of me what's to stay here, I feel safe here they give great support and they'll support me through court and I can actually eat here, I haven't been able to eat properly at home since this all started but then Idont like being away from my family and I do want to get settled but I don't want to lose the help here Hmm

OP posts:
passedgo · 13/12/2013 10:07

Did they say they want you to stay 3-4months? Did they say why? It seems like a long time.

ShinyBauble · 13/12/2013 10:08

You don't need to be in a rush to get settled Far, now you are in a safe supportive place just let everything take as much time as it needs.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 13/12/2013 10:11

They said it would be good for me to stay that long so I can get some proper support and safety measures in place for when I do decide move

OP posts: