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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 09/12/2013 09:51

Women's Aid only allocate places where there is clear and pressing need. There's a national shortage of places - honestly, if they had the least doubt that you and your dd were at risk and his behaviour was frightening you would not be there.

Hope you're feeling better this week, and that the advice workers are able to reassure you on what to do next.

FarOverTheRainbow · 09/12/2013 18:08

I have my TV sorted and its made such a difference! Makes me feel alot more comfortable being here IYSWIM, just having back ground noise and not silence. I've met some f the other ladies and sat having a couple of tea and let the babies play together and were all going out tomorrow for a coffee and a nose round the area

OP posts:
Divinity · 09/12/2013 18:13

Good to hear you're settling in and that you're making friends.

perfectstorm · 09/12/2013 18:39

That's so good to hear. Smile Hope you have a nice time tomorrow.

FarOverTheRainbow · 09/12/2013 18:59

My mum has just caught XP slowly driving past hers Hmm

OP posts:
YouSayPotato · 09/12/2013 19:35

Has XP tried to contact you or youur mum?

FarOverTheRainbow · 09/12/2013 19:40

No not for a few days. Im sure now that he's noticed I'm not there he'll keep looking and when he realises he don't know where me and DD are then he's going to get pissed off angry.

I knew he would drive past so I don't know why it's worried me so much

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 10/12/2013 00:22

He's a loon, and it's yet more evidence of intimidation/efforts to control.

I have to say, it's good to know you're somewhere safe. Must be a relief for your parents as well.

bunchoffives · 10/12/2013 00:29

He will have to adjust to the new situation Far and will miss the feeling of being in control and able to call all the shots. He might rant and rave (and you don't have to worry about that now) but he will adjust over time and move on eventually into making someone else's life a misery

Hissy · 10/12/2013 06:29

If your mum sees him do that again, she needs to report him to the police.

Jux · 10/12/2013 08:20

She does need to report him, and also to write down the details - date, time etc.

It worries you because he is doing what was expected, which you use to infer the likelihood of his other beahviours continuing too. However, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

You are safe.Your children are safe.

All the people who can help and protect you know about it and will be on standby to look after you.

You are safe. Your children are safe.

If you feel yourself beginning to get frightened or panicky, take deep breaths and keep telling yourself that you are all safe.

I hope you have a fab time out with the girls today!

Divinity · 10/12/2013 08:41

Thank goodness you did decide on a refuge Far. How bad would he have been if he knew you were at your mums? I shudder to think.

Anyway, ignore him and have a fab time today with the girls. Smile

springythatlldo · 10/12/2013 10:32

I know I keep dragging this back to me being bullied at work, but I also am frightened by the bullying, but the person dishing it out is nothing to do with me emotionally iyswim. This person does have power over me, though, and that is a large part of why I'm frightened (but I think bullying can be frightening, too).

BUT he doesn't have power over you. Maybe it'll take a bit of adjustment to get it that he doesn't have any power over you . When you get that, the fear will vanish.

FarOverTheRainbow · 10/12/2013 15:14

The council think I could get the keys to my new place days before Christmas now but might not have to move until after. I'm worried about going back into the town now Hmm.

I've got a meeting here tomorrow and the women wants to talk about me getting a non malestation order

It's horrible to fear someone and be scared of what MIGHT happen.

OP posts:
Jux · 10/12/2013 16:19

That's a large part of what abuse is, what MIGHT happen, so the abuser doesn't have to bother to do much, just be threatening and let your imagination do the rest. Don't let him win! Keep reminding yourself that you're safe and that he has no power now.

Good news on the house from the Council.

A non-molestation order sounds good. It's an added layer of protection.

ShinyBauble · 10/12/2013 16:28

At least you're safe now Far, and hopefully your meeting tomorrow will be positive in terms of getting help for you.

Don't minimize your situation and tell them you don't feel your situation is bad enough to warrant you being there, just tell them how worried you are and accept all help. The only difference between you and worse cases is that you looked for help and support straight away. Some women wouldn't call the police or Women's Aid, they try to cope alone. It's an easy trap to fall into. You are doing so well!

perfectstorm · 10/12/2013 18:49

Grab a non-molestation order with both hands, tbh. It means you don't need to be so scared of going into town, because he has to leave you alone and if he doesn't, there will be consequences to ensure he doesn't make the same mistake twice. You can also ask that it means he can't use anyone else to get at or harass you, which would cover his sister and parents and friends.

I'm so glad you're where you are. You will get proper support and decent legal advice now. Please don't be scared of him, you've been so brave in enlisting help now, as has already been said. Things were escalating - he was starting to move beyond threats alone - and would have got worse. You had the strength to take action rapidly, so you can protect yourself and your daughter. That's something to be proud of, again as others have said.

FarOverTheRainbow · 10/12/2013 19:44

I'm feeling really guilty that he's not going to see DD over Christmas, I know it's his own fault but I just think how much it would break my heart and I feel guilty Hmm

I was speaking to one of the women and if I apply for a non malestation order he will get a copy of the statement that I have is supply won't he? I don't want this cause then it gives him time with his solicitor to twist everything on to me instead if just getting the shock of his life in court.

I still feel like abit of a fraud being here Hmm but I do feel safe

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/12/2013 19:55

Why would you feel guilty for not allowing your daughter to be with people that WILL neglect her and will allow her to suffer?

YOU are not HIM - got that? YOU are not the one here that is in his place. You gave him ALL the keys to be a decent person, even way before this whole mess blew up.

he doesn't know how to be a good man/parent, he doesn't want to be either.

he is a nasty, insecure, pathetic bully who will hurt your DD to hurt you. He will frighten her, your mum and you to make a point against you, he won't give up despite warning after warning and he will look for ever inventive ways of intimidating you.

He is out of your life now, keep it that way. he needs to be kept away from DD for her own good.

Trust me, as lucky as you are to get a place in a refuge, you are not in there via fraud, the pressure on places is so high that they wouldn't give that place to you unless they felt you needed it.

You were not even safe at your mums FFS.

perfectstorm · 10/12/2013 20:15

That isn't how family courts work, Far. You can't have something thrown on anyone. What happens is that both sides write a position statement, and then have a chance to reply to the other side's, setting out their version of events the other has claimed. And allegations of domestic abuse are set out on a separate form, too. So neither side can ambush the other at all.

Don't be scared of his solicitor twisting things. The reality is that judges in family courts are solely interested in the interests of the children when contact proceedings are at stake, and they will know that intimidating your child's mother so you can try to grab material possessions she has receipts for, after harassing and bullying her endlessly, all in the presence of that child, is not indicative of great parenting.

A non-molestation order isn't actually that easy or automatic to get, and nor is a place in a refuge, and the judge will know that. Your ex can twist things all he likes, you have evidence in spades of his behaviour and you've acted to protect your baby from him and his family until a safe contact framework can be set up. A non-molestation order will keep you safe and able to catch your breath and the court will look at how to ensure contact isn't harmful to your dd.

You're still scared of him, of his power over you. But he doesn't have any. All court action will be about is how he has contact. That's it. There's nothing he can do to you. You don't have to see him anymore or deal with him again, and you're really likely to get brief contact centre contact to begin with, too, so you don't have to be scared about him taking her and leaving her alone with your MIL all day either. You'll get a residence order so he can't take her from your care, and a schedule for contact will mean you know what the pattern is and can plan for it. So he can lie as much as he likes and try to make out you're the baddie all he wants, the judge is not going to give a shiny shit. The judge doesn't care who the baddie is. He or she cares that your dd has contact in a safe way with a parent, and that she has a secure home base. So all he'll do if he rants and is angry is look who he is - someone incapable of putting his child's interests first. Let him lie. He can't lie his way out of all he's done in front of witnesses - ffs you needed a police escort into your own home on moving day, after which he sat there in the road in his car trying to scare you - and your friend was there when he tried to break in to steal property you had receipts for from you. That is not normal behaviour. None of it is.

FarOverTheRainbow · 10/12/2013 20:58

I don't know why I feel guily, I think because it's Christmas and the festive time and all families get together and I'm trying to do some fun things with DD. Getting photos done of her dressed up, were going to make Christmas cards and some decorations and I think I just feel for him that he's missing out but I know it's his own fault and even though I feel bad for him there's no way I'll let him see her. When he sent me that drunken text begging to change my mind and let him see her that made me feel terrible and I doubted myself so much but then nothing's changed. He hasn't changed into a loving parent who can take care of her and put her needs and welfare first and I still don't trust him to return her and not use her as a pawn in a game only he wants to play.

I know you say it will be about contact with DD but I just know that they aren't going to let me get away width saying there's abuse involved. He truly thinks it's all me so I know he isn't going to a accept and just let it go whatever is said in my statement Sad

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 10/12/2013 21:04

He is reaping what he sowed. Maybe it was partly to wind you up, but he was neglectful of her care. He knew you didn't want his mother to have her, so his mother had her. He must have known it was wrong to keep her late, and threaten to keep her from you, and not put a nappy on her so she was sitting in her own pee, but he did it anyway. And all this is why you had to stop contact.

He made this rod for his own back, because I'm certain that if he was good with her during his visitation you would not have stopped it. He pushed you to the limit. he should be feeling guilty, not you, because you can't trust him to provide basic care for her.

ShinyBauble · 10/12/2013 21:05

Cross posted!

FarOverTheRainbow · 10/12/2013 21:13

I tried so hard to keep the contact going. I put up with his shit and behavior towards me and still kept taking her. I was never late at pick up or drop off, I sent her with everything she needed and more, when he sent her back in shit I spoke to him about it to give him the opportunity to make sure it didn't happen again but it did with wee. I tried to keep it going I never wanted it to go to court. I always hoped that we could co parent in the future and go to parents evenings together and back each other up on punishments but he can't put DD first and can't be civil. Why fight me for time to dump her on his mum? He can't want his baby girl that much Sad

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/12/2013 21:48

Because NOTHING about your DD is about her... HE HURTS HER TO HURT YOU. Just like his mother did, to get her 'fix'

He let her too. Even when you told him what was what he backed her and her harm of your DD.

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