I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

[FarOverTheRainbow]

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

Ah great, you've landed. phew

So glad it's a nice place...

hang on, I've just thought: do you mean you've arrived at a refuge, or arrived at a new place to live??

Whatever, it's all good! another

re refuges: it's not uncommon for women to leave to go back to their abuser (it can take a few goes to leave an abuser. Plus abusers turn on the charm/tears/pleading ). So dont feel bad about leaving - you leave as and when you want to.

Take ALL the help and support you can get!

You need to do the freedom programme when you've caught your breath a bit.

I've arrived at the refuge, I've been speaking to one of huge other women here who was saying that were really lucky to get this place and it's really nice compared to others so I'm grateful for that. They offer a lot of support here and the lady said she will speak to me more Monday.

I must admit I am feeling a little sorry for myself though I want to feel positive and festive

It's natural to feel sad now, I think. You've been all focused on just getting through the immediate horror and on to the next bit, and now finally you've sorted all you can and are in a position where you can catch your breath and take stock. Of course all the sadness and shock over recent events will hit you, that's natural.

I'm so glad you're somewhere safe, with people trained and able to help you. Things start to improve for you from here! And have a lovely day with your mum tomorrow. You're doing so well, Far. Just look how far you've come from a few weeks ago.

I'm pleased to hear you're in a safe place. I know it must feel really weird, but try and focus on your little one and enjoy the fact that he cannot get to you. Don't even read any texts from him.

None of this will seem great right now, but hopefully the council will find somewhere for you to live soon, and the fact that you are in a refuge almost definitely means you will be able to access legal aid if tosspot is determined to spend his parents money dragging you through the courts.

I hope you feel happier soon!

I forgot to bring so much stuff with me. My dad has a spare phone I can start using so when I go Christmas shopping tomorrow I'm going to get another SIM card.

I feel more confused about alot of things now. I never felt abused and I thought this was normal when break ups happen (ovb not the extreme stuff) but I didn't know any other way and now having to think and learn that it wasnt all normal is hard. I don't know things any other way so it's hard to get my head around

There were times reading your thread that my heart would be thumping with anxiety for you. You HAVE left an abusive and threatening situation. He may not have beaten you up, but if you look back at the start of your first thread it's plain to see how emotionally abusive your ex was. That is a recognised form of domestic abuse and it can be just as damaging as physical abuse, so don't feel you shouldn't be there.

You need help and support, and hopefully you will receive both now.

Yes, it does tilt your thinking a bit, takes a bit of getting used to. But before long it'll be second nature, especially when you do the Freedom Programme - which will help you to see things more clearly. Even then, it's a shock. Plenty have gone before you, lovely (and plenty will come after you, sadly).

You've done so well to do all you've done to get yourself (and dd) somewhere safe. All the other women in the refuge will be in the same boat, and that helps, in a way. I didn't go to a refuge but I did attend a WA support group for a while: we helped one another with eg down days, fantasy days (when we didn't think the abuse was all that bad..), sad days, shock etc. There's nothing like it imo: to be with others who know what you're going through so you don't have to explain.

Glad to hear from you anyway. We're right there with you xx

I can imagine that you've been running on adrenaline for some time. Now you are able to wind down a bit your emotions will be taking over. Everything you obediently normalised over those years will have to be put in its righful place and you will have to start getting used to healthy relationships. My guess is this will take time. Fortunately there are people here on mn who have been through this and talk you through it.

A solicitors letter from XP just tried to be delivered to my mums but I told her not to sign for it. Seems as I'm in a refuge and she doesn't know where I'm not living with her and she doesn't know where I'm living so can't sign to say I've got it when she doesn't no when she'll see me to give it me. Wrong?

Okay now I'm worried that it was the wrong thing to do seems as I won't message him back with solicitor details and I've said all along he knows he can get me at my mums address. Shit what should I have done?

Am I right in thinking you've told him to contact you only through your solicitor, but you haven't appointed one yet, or possibly you have but you haven't let him have the details?

If so I expect his letter will first be requesting contact details. You do really need to let him have those.

I haven't got one yet because I'm waiting to sort legal aid so I thought once that's sorted ill accept the letter then? I didn't really think tbh just panicked

They will probably just try and redeliver, don't worry.

Don't worry, a registered letter is totally different from normal post, normal post your mam can give it to you when she sees you, registered post could be for anything, a court summons for driving offence, a legal collection bill from a creditor of yours, a present of money from a friend, your mam did right in not signing for it on your behalf,
That said you do need to get legal aid sorted asap and forward details of your solicitor to him, if legal aid could take a while could you appoint someone un the interim to look after you until it is sorted?

Discuss the letter thing with the nice lady on Monday, she's very likely to know what is best.

I don't think you should cut him out completely, including the phone. It is a case of managing him. Keep your phone on, leave it at your Mum's, let him deliver post there. He needs to feel that he will see you both again or he could get unpredictable and angry.

Disengage emotionally, but let him think you are still in contact IYSWIM.

Talk to the staff at the refuge - it's what they're there for. Talk to the refuge staff about appointing a solicitor, and how to do that under legal aid now, and stop worrying that he's still saying "jump" and you've stopped saying "how high?" You moved out 3 days ago, and he is freaking out after intimidating you with police witnesses, and almost certainly damaging your car, because you are no longer there to be bullied.

You are still in the mindset that he has power over you. He really doesn't, you know. Yes, he will have contact with dd in time, but that is down to a court to manage, not him to decide. He has no control over you and no automatic right to your prompt attention. You are an excellent carer of your child and have shown that, first by seeking to establish good contact and then by trying to take steps to ensure contact is safe. He has shown the reverse, time and time again. He can't remove your daughter from your care, he can't give you any less money for her maintenance than the zero he's already providing, and he can't attack, scare, bully or steal from you anymore either. This is going to make him angry, but you're not around for him to take that anger out on. You're safe and sound in a refuge.

Talk to the staff and get their guidance on what to do next. This isn't the first and certainly won't be the last time someone in their care is facing this situation, and they'll know how best to handle it - and him. For now, just put it out of your mind and try to relax. He can't hurt you anymore.

I agree, get advice.

Don't :ave your mum sign for anything as it's proof of receipt, but her signing for it when you are not there doesn't mean you have it

He can wait until you are ready. It won't kill him sadly.

You call the shots in your life now, not him.

He's forced you into a fucking refuge ffs, he has no right to demand anything from you.

And when you are ready to engage, tell him that if he wants to be civil, you'll expect money for the repairs to the car.

Thanks for all the advice, I'm still worried about it wondering what was the right thing to do, but I'll speak to the lady Monday when she's back and hopefully ease my mind then.

I'm trying to be positive but I feel quite down at the minute, then I think right its Christmas your favourite time of year enjoy it and when I can't I feel worse for it. I'm trying to make here seem more homely so brought me and DD a little tree that I've put up, but I thinki need some other decorations too to feel a little more festive. I had a nice day shopping but there was a cloud hanging over it and it was really hard to leave my mum when I just wanted to get on the sofa and watch X factor

Far you're doing so well
This is a means to an end - just a short stage in the chapter to your new home. It's not forever

The way things have gone have been the way he chose. Not you. So this is the last time you have to react to it. I. The future you will make the choices.

Isn't there a tv at the refuge? I doubt you'd be the only one there who is into the X factor!

It'll take a few days to get your bearings - you're in a different environment, not at 'home'. I agree with dolly that this is a short stage 'in the chapter to your new home' (well put dolly). Yes, go all-out and get some nice decorations - you can take them with you when you move into your new place

I hope you start making connections with the other women soon. You have to bear in mind that you're all in shock, none of you expected to end up in a refuge. ime of the WA support group - an absolute lifeline btw - I never met such amazing women, had so much fun or laughed so much. And, yes, we were all in shock and traumatised but there was a lot of black humour flying about.

I doubt it'll be long before you settle in xx

There's a TV in the communal room but its locked at weekends. I'm hoping to change my old TV license over so I can bring mine here, it will make the world of difference.

I still feel a bit of a fraud being here

There's a TV in the communal room but its locked at weekends

Good heavens, that's practically abuse that is! What are the Refuge thinking??
Seriously, can you watch on your internet connection?

Keep going Far, you're doing so very well. You've just shown such good sense and stoicism all the way through this. Not much longer now.

You'll be so glad you went to the Refuge in a few weeks time when you've got the legals sorted (the refuge will help on mon) and you've had the support to make sense of all this for yourself and DD. Try to relax and rest until mon as much as you can.

Don't forget you've got another move coming up so this is the time to recoup a bit. Why not knock on someone's door and introduce yourself later?

I assure you, there is no way they would have given you a place at a refuge if you were a 'fraud'. No way. His abuse has been obvious and blatant; and you and dd are at risk. That's why you're there.

HOpe you get the telly in soon and you can begin to settle, even if you're not there long. Perhaps somebody could put together a checklist of what to take into a refuge. It could be you who does that Far, now you have the experience xx