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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/12/2013 20:46

Sweety, it's a place for you to be safe, not prison! It may be a bit far away, but that's for your safety.
Why not call WA and ask these questions? Get a little first hand reassurance!

Hissy · 05/12/2013 20:51

You've had to come so far, and not a single step of it was one you ever wanted to take. We know. :(

But you've made it out. You have the police on your side, you have legal help and you have the council.

This is the beginning of the rest of your life, things might be tricky for a little while, but you've put all the foundations in place to get through.

Have faith. You'll be fine.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 05/12/2013 21:14

I just mean because its a safe place Idont know if there will be any restrictions on what you can/can't do but ill ask when I phone tomorrow because I have other Qs too

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/12/2013 21:29

They may not allow men in, otherwise, you'll be free to come and go.

It'll be fine. You will be fine.

passedgo · 05/12/2013 21:30

All I have ever heard about refuges is that they are great places. They have all the professionals there that you need, they help you with all the practical stuff and the emotional stuff and above all, they understand that men do get violent, can get dangerous and they will keep you and your daughter absolutely safe.

I think you're in one of those situations where you just have to do what needs to be done. You have done extremely well so far, better than most. Going to the refuge might give you the information and help that you can't just pick up along the way so that you can start again on your own terms.

Jux · 05/12/2013 22:14

You are doing so well, against overwhelmed odds; and yet, you are not overwhelmed. You are a fighter and a survivor.

springyticktack · 05/12/2013 22:21

It may sound sick to say it, but it's good that he has pulled out all the stops because it nails him for future reference. So glad to hear the policewoman this time was TRAINED (ffs!) and recognised what is going on. Of course they will/should add 2 + 2, making it obvious who did this - or at least who was behind it.

It's been hard on you - you have done so well, you've really got you and your daughter to a safe place. One more step to go. All I hear about refuges is good, too. A place with all the professionals on hand - instead of leaving messages and people not getting back; or shit police not knowing enough about DV. btw someone mentioned the DV police unit - if you are living in a small place, the DV unit may be in the nearest city? Whatever, I'd make sure this goes through the DV unit in future.

As you know, because he has pulled out all the stops, you will also qualify for legal aid, which is worth its weight in gold. These days legal aid is not easy to get and you need legal representation all the way - his antics have ensured you'll get it.

Well done Far. You've come so FAR Xmas Smile

myroomisatip · 05/12/2013 22:43

Hey keep going. It is hard but you are on the right path. It is uphill right now but soon it will get easier. ((hug))

I am in awe of your strength :) I wish I had had some of that years ago :)

teenybash7 · 06/12/2013 10:20

Shinybauble that was such a kind offer from you and your brother!

Far, the worse he behaves, the more you should congratulate yourself for your strength in escaping from him. Keep going

terrierist · 06/12/2013 10:32

Far you may like to have a look at this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

It may answer some of your questions about going to a refuge.

Best of luck

perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 10:37

Really lovely offer from Shiny. Smile

Far, a woman posted this thread to say how incredible her experiences of a WA refuge were. She's posted since to say how good her life now is, and how her dd is thriving. Hopefully it'll offer you some reassurance.

I'm glad your mum has realised this is well outside the realms of a normal hostile breakup, now.

perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 10:38

Cross post!

perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 10:40

And Far, if you've not yet, please please tell the police about the knife incident. You only have to be honest about what happened - you aren't landing him in it or being OTT. He did it, he chose to, not you. And given things are escalating I do think that needs to be flagged up.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/12/2013 11:55

The police say that the damage to my car could be done by another car or something even though I don't see how another car could cause marks like it has and not others or it could be him but there's no way to prove either so not alot they can do. They were helpful about XP behavior though and said the police the other night were wrong and if I found him sitting there intimidating then they should have done something about it.

Spoke to WA and I'm going today

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/12/2013 11:57

I'm worried that when it comes to me wanting to leave they might be funny about it?

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 12:03

They won't be funny about it! Refuge places are at a premium, so while they'd never want anyone to go before they were ready, they wouldn't want anyone to stay who didn't want to be there, either.

As far as I can see most women in refuges are there because a man has tried to control them. As a result, they are very very anxious to ensure you feel empowered and in charge of your own life and choices. That would include how long you stay and where you go when staying there. Truly, read that thread a couple of us linked to. I do think you'll find it helpful.

You'll have so much support in the refuge, and you so much deserve as well as need it. His behaviour is horrifying, and you will now be backed up and protected from him. Really pleased you're taking this step.

towicymru · 06/12/2013 12:15

I think as long as you are going somewhere safe and are confident you will be safe, they will be happy for you. I think that counts as success.

You are so strong and brave. Your DD has a fantastic role model.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/12/2013 12:34

Me and mum have a nice Christmas shopping day out planned tomorrow so it will be nice to go to that so something to look forward too.

OP posts:
passedgo · 06/12/2013 13:16

Keep us posted about how it goes at WA.

It might be best to think of the refuge as a temporary place to go while you get all your paperwork etc sorted out. It will enable you to keep your independence until you decide on your own terms what to do. And of course your safety. Moving in with your mother would get her involved and although that would be supportive of you for a while it could get complicated.

perfectstorm · 06/12/2013 13:38

Yeah, think that's very wise advice. Your mum is such a source of support and strength right now, so if you can keep your independence by getting professional support from WA while maintaining that lovely relationship with your mum, that can only be a good thing moving forwards. It's so easy for mums to get overly involved and then it's hard for everyone if you have to re-establish boundaries. WA won't have the same intense and visceral involvement, so can offer a different sort of help.

Have a lovely Xmas shopping day - hope your dd enjoys all the lights!

YetAnotherFucker · 06/12/2013 14:36

Might it be an idea to think about changing your car? If your ex doesn't know what to look for there's far less chance of it being damaged or you being followed

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/12/2013 16:31

I'm here now and the lady has been absolutely lovely, the place is really nice and big

Changing my car will be something I'm deffinatly keen on but I need to sort the damage out and I can't imagine it's going to be cheap and I just don't have the money to pay out on it at the minute, still going to need a lot of things when I move too

OP posts:
Divinity · 06/12/2013 17:12

Have she reassured you about the refuge Far? I'm glad that extra support at the moment as you car being hit is an escalation.

While changing your car would be a good thing its not the priority yet.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/12/2013 17:16

Yeh she has reassured me a lot, and talked about all the help and support that they offer and things they can do for me

OP posts:
passedgo · 06/12/2013 18:24

That's great news. Hopefully you can have a peaceful night now that you are safe and looked after. Smile