Nobody fancies me now that I have put on weight...or is because of something else?

[mumlon2013]

For the past year I have been going through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband showed NO affection whatsoever for the past 3 years. So technically, I have been "single" for years.

Before I had my children, I considered myself attractive and had a lot of guys wanting to date me. Obviously, I didn't take up any offers because I was married. With kids, I put on a few stones and that is why nobody now asks me on a date and no man even looks at me. I am a size 20 desperately trying to lose weight to go back to a 12 but just keep comfort eating.

I reason with myself that it is all in my head and all my friends keep telling me I am still very attractive even with the extra pounds. But hey they are my friends, they cannot tell me I am too ugly!

I tried a bit of online dating but nothing came out of it. One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me.

I want to believe that personality is what really matters but why is nobody interested in me if people generally like me and like being in my presence?

Will I not be asked out until I lose some weight? That sounds crazy.

And I wish people who think not dating fat people makes someone "horrible" would STFU. It's perfectly rational, let alone instinctive, not to find very fat people attractive. The problem is not with us.

mumlon123 - it is a tough world out there, when you go back to dating. It is a killer, but age has a lot to do with it. No doubt, there will be exceptions to the rule, but IMO you get more invisible as you get older. I'm attractive & in good order (so to speak), but I'm not as good as someone 10/15 years younger than me. The pool of men likely to be interested diminishes.

However, all that depressing stuff said & done - the most important thing is that you feel good about you, not to attract anyone else, but just so you feel happy being you. Feeling good about yourself shouldn't depend on what size you are - but for some people it does. I have a clothing size that when I go above it, I start to feel less good about myself (and I'm not talking a size 8 here!). Regardless of what others may believe, I know I eat when I'm bored or a bit depressed but when I'm angry I don't feel hungry, so I try and harness a bit of anger to motivate myself to do a bit more exercise & cut down on the cake.

You are going through a lot right now, give yourself time to adjust & try and do things for yourself.

I actually think that losing a substantial amount of weight involves a much greater than usual amount of self-control. The effect is one of obessively starving yourself while surrounded by food... SpiritedWolf but for some of us who have lost large amounts of weight, it hasn't taken alot of effort or deprivation. You can lose, slowly and steadily, alot of weight simply by eating 10-15% less than you usually do and being diligent and patient about it. I never felt deprived doing it that way because the reduction in food wasn't alot.

Just wanted to say thanks to you all for taking the time to reply to my question. It has been interesting to read through all your opinions, advice and personal experiences. It has helped me to create a clear view on what I need to do to sort myself out.

The following advice I find useful and agree with:
Not fancying big people is one's preference, not necessarily discrimination or being shallow. I, for example, only find bigger guys attractive (even when I was slim) and even if I force myself to like a slim guy for his personality, the chemistry simply will not be there.
Be happy and confident in yourself.

If you need to lose weight, lose it for yourself, not to attract a date. That will happen on its own once you are happy about your size.
Most but not all guys prefer slim/average women so if you are large, there will be fewer men you can pick from/who will be interested.
Being a size 20 is unhealthy - I do agree that I personally feel unhealthy at this size and cannot see any benefits being this big.
Being big does not equal being unfit.
The best way to lose weight - eat healthily and reasonable portions, with the occasional treat and exercise.
People do make judgements about big people (well, about everyone who is even slightly different anyway). Being big can affect one's chances to get a job.

When I am down to a comfortable weight, all happy and confident...I will let you know whether I am chasing the guys away! :-)

Thanks and have a great day!

Ledkr - there would be almost no fat in that sort of diet, except in the almonds.

I have found that it just slid off me. Not that I was overweight to start with. It is also nice to cook the veg on the hob in a frying pan with a bit of water, high heat, some soy sauce and honey, make some chili flakes and some seeds.....really tasty and filling.....and no fat. Good skin, good hair, no issues around going to the loo.....and over time it has ended up that I got used to natural good quality food so when I eat shit, it feels bad immediately and I reach for the veg instead.

I learnt it all from my boyfriend. He didn't make a song and dance about it, he just quietly stopped eating rubbish and doesn't even when we eat out.

Someone made a valid point about how modern food is so much about processed this and that, and to get back to simple food has been good. If it grows in the ground, eat it, if not don't.

best of luck mumlon I hope you're happy in whatever you do. You sound absolutely lovely.

Velvet said this.

I am still 2.5 stone away from what BMI calls a 'healthy' weight, hence I don't tend to tell people what I weigh (it's a lot more than my appearance and dress size would suggest)

Yep Im the same. Ive showed ppl my before and after photos from the first time i lost a lot of weight. In the after photo ppl thought i weighed 9 and a half stone I didnt. In that photo im 11 stone 4.
My lowest weight was 10 stone 12.

A young woman at my slimming class told me she weighs 14 stone 2 Does she look it? NO WAY

By the sound of it OD makes dating a cold clinical soulless experience. A couple of my friends described my ex OM as "not very good looking" I couldnt see what they were on about because we had AMAZING sexual chemistry. .....that electricity.....that spark.

Online dating? They can fucking keep it!

i'm 9 stone and nobody fancies me. i don't know. you have to be so pretty before men notice you i think. even men that aren't attractive. :-/ single for ever, i have long, long, long since stopped expecting people to fancy me. sad, cos I hardly feel dead yet. what can ya do?

mumlon2013 fantastic take-aways. Best of luck on this new journey! You can do it :) Keep us posted.

Hi, I agree, its about confidence as well as making the most of yourself, HOWEVER, it's difficult for anyone to find decent men out there online especially.

I'm a size 8-10, think I've never looked better, am on online dating and I'm finding it soul destroying, no-one fancies me either....

Good luck!

I online-dated at size 10 and there were no takers once I hit 40.

Another good reason not to bother with OD then. A lot of us peak sexually in our 30s/40s so the idiots are missing out although i wouldnt want to date someone with that attitude anyway.