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Relationships

Nobody fancies me now that I have put on weight...or is because of something else?

137 replies

mumlon2013 · 21/11/2013 02:26

For the past year I have been going through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband showed NO affection whatsoever for the past 3 years. So technically, I have been "single" for years.

Before I had my children, I considered myself attractive and had a lot of guys wanting to date me. Obviously, I didn't take up any offers because I was married. With kids, I put on a few stones and that is why nobody now asks me on a date and no man even looks at me. I am a size 20 desperately trying to lose weight to go back to a 12 but just keep comfort eating.

I reason with myself that it is all in my head and all my friends keep telling me I am still very attractive even with the extra pounds. But hey they are my friends, they cannot tell me I am too ugly!

I tried a bit of online dating but nothing came out of it. One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me.

I want to believe that personality is what really matters but why is nobody interested in me if people generally like me and like being in my presence?

Will I not be asked out until I lose some weight? That sounds crazy.

OP posts:
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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 18:11

YY Gutted Its taken me 3 months to lose 1 stone and 2 pounds. Ive excersised 6 days a week. (the bra i use has to be handwashed on the 7th day and takes over 24 hrs to dry in this weather/cant squeeze it out or put it on radiator to dry cos it will bend and warp the wire) Ive dropped loads of inches and am pretty sure im now a size 18. (i was a 20) Ive got about 2 and a half to 3 more stone to lose. Even losing this small an amount the attitudes towards me have changed when out and about ,though i did experience this change in attitudes before when i lost ten stone 11 years ago.
The inches ive lost in this time have been shocking Ive lost off my back tummy hips arms and legs and starting to lose off my bum. Losing off my legs is an achievement as lipodema runs in the family (google it)
Can i lose off my boobs (cup size) Can i Fuck.
But the best thing for me is how good excsersise has made me feel It has really lifted my mood.
I feel a lot better.
No unhealthy food since the 8th August. And im not doing Christmas food this year. Got my eye on a new outfit instead.

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ToTheTeeth · 21/11/2013 18:17

Darkeyes congrats on your weight loss and lifestyle changes, you sound very happy. Exercise is great, but it's not that effective for weight loss (it's very good for weight maintenane though). You might find you get even more success if you calories restrict as well as cut out unhealthy food.

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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 18:28

Errm Im already doing Slimming World The weight WILL NOT come off any quicker than what it is. I went to see the nurse practitioner at my surgery because I thought it wasnt coming off fast enough and she told me it was/is coming off at a perfectly normal rate. So i will take the advice of this medical professional before i take anyone elses It quite clearly states in my previous post that ive had no unhealthy food since the 8th August. I go and get weighed at my slimming world group every week. 11 years ago i lost TEN stone and ONE cup size. We are all individual . And genetics plays a part too. So im ALREADY eating healthily I lost 2 pounds last week and 2 this week. Im happy with what i am doing and dont really see how i can make it come off any faster without sticking my fingers down my throat

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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 18:30

My gran (dads mum) had huge boobs I cant help my bloodline.
To theTeeth A stone every three months is 4 stone in a year Not to be sniffed at.

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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 18:33

Excersise has been VERY effective for me its certainly helping with the loss in INCHES.

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Joysmum · 21/11/2013 18:41

The NHS weren't useful to me dispute numerous doctors appointments. Not all fat people lack education about how to be healthy, are greedy, or lack willpower. For some there's a little bit more to it.

For me it's not about eating, it's not about enjoying food, its not greed, it's not even about being weak. It's about coping, self punishment, not feeling deserving, it's about being in camouflage, it's about mindless nothingness whilst bingeing and not knowing what you've done till it's over because it makes you numb and the numbness is what I craved. It's too complicated to explain in a couple if paragraphs.

Luckily my final time of losing 6.5 stone (I've done it 3 times now) has stuck and it's been over a 1.5 years since I finished but I'm still the same vulnerable person I was 6.5 stone ago. It's hard to learn how to cope differently long term. I'm getting better at being more visible and getting more attention as a slim person and don't need the fat as a self defence so much. I still struggle though (am going through anither bad patch atm) and I do without the help of the NHS because there's no help to be had.

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Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 19:21

Pinupgirl
Not a terribly good comparison.....

Anorexia is a complex psychological illness.
Someone in my close family suffered as an adult and subsequently died from the associated complications.

Being overweight for most people is a lifestyle choice. There does not have to be a mental health link.

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LovelyMarchHare · 21/11/2013 19:38

This thread has inspired me. I am a 20. I eat to 'treat' myself and end up making myself feel appalled. I have piled on weight since last autumn. I am single and can't begin to think about dating as I look so awful. I have wondered whether I was being too hard on myself. Obviously not. Nowhere near tough enough. Time to sort myself out.

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CrispyHedgehogFucker · 21/11/2013 19:52

I'm now a size 14/16.. used to be 30/32 and I got a lot more male attention back when I was huge than I do now.. mostly because I was a lot more confident I think.

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Ledkr · 21/11/2013 19:56

I lost loads on the divorce diet and at size 12 was extremely popular with men despite being 37 with four kids.
I was literally fighting then off.
However, I'm a size 16 now after another child and remarriage and am Invisible to men even though I'm still pretty and dress well etc.
I think it's weight for sure.

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FluffyJumper · 21/11/2013 20:22

I agree that confidence has loads and loads to do with it. However...

  • it sounds like you felt more confident when you were slimmer.


  • most men would choose a confident size 12 or 14 over a confident size 20.


People are not likely to tell you that to your face though because they would be worried about potentially damaging your friendship if you took it the wrong way.
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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 21:16

Joysmum I comfort ate after my affair ended a few years ago (im in a sexless marriage ...have a big posting history about it on here.) even after losing ten stone DH wasnt interested in me that way so blaming it all on women is incredibly mysogynistic IMO.
I know how you feel. Joysmum Back in August i pushed myself to go out and excersise and ive kept it up. I lost the first 3 and a half pounds by myself then rejoined SW in mid September and have lost the rest of what ive lost so far combining their plan with the excersise.
I feel happier then ive ever felt for a long time and am NOT going to let some of whats on this thread skew my perception which is one of the reasons i had to see the nurse practitioner in the first place!
I suffer with colic so canNOT eat acidic fruit like raspberries ,grapefruits etc ( the NP told me that was what was giving me colic so i simply adjusted by taking in more vegtables. And switched raspberries for strawberries which i have on weetabix in the mornings. I found a way round it.
Fluffy i once had the pleasure of telling a man who approached me after id lost ten stone to FUCK OFF because he treated me like shite when i was overweight and do you know what, it almost gave me an orgasm!

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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 21:24

Dr. Lissak's Treatment Plan


A guide to eating disorder treatment and recovery.






































































































6/5/12




The Anti-Obesity Prejudice of the Eating Disorder World





The anti-obesity bias in the first world is undeniable and unchallenged. The obese have to weather ridicule and discrimination both in the workplace and in their personal life without any recourse to fight back. The causes of the obesity epidemic, when viewed objectively, are not personal: an excessive amount of available, processed food and a sedentary lifestyle combined with the genetic predisposition to facile energy storage. Still, the default world view of the overweight is that they are lazy and slothful.




Due to the overwhelming bias against the obese, people prefer to believe that being overweight is a choice. Much to the layperson's dismay, eating disorders are diseases of physiology as much as psychology. The emotional and psychological ways to use food to numb feelings and to cope with seemingly unmanageable problems in life are well-documented. But in order to become ill, these people also need to have certain physiological adaptations to hunger and fullness. Without the genetic ability to adapt to chronic starvation or chronic overeating, two sides of the same coin, all the exposure to food obsession and thin models won't trigger an eating disorder. The grand experiment combining the world of plenty with the desire for thinness created the epidemic in the first place. After forty years, we're now living with the results: a population that tries to starve while surrounded by limitless, delectable food will develop chronic food problems, and those at risk will develop eating disorders, including obesity.



To believe that we all have sound judgment about food and weight is no longer a given. The desperate longing to be thin led to an alternate sensibility which rewards any method used to successfully attain a desirable weight, and that includes eating disorders. It even includes ranking these illnesses in a hierarchy of preference. Anorexia Nervosa remains atop the heap. Despite the gruesome photos and sad stories of this lethal illness, the media and culture can't help but glorify Anorexia as the grand solution to our collective focus on weight. For a person to live on only a few hundred calories per day mystifies the masses bent on finding the magic diet. In fact, the primary medical intervention for the overweight is to create a similar state of starvation, either through a crash diet or Bariatric surgery, with no long term proven success. In reality, Anorexia is a mental and physical prison, but the world continues to believe otherwise. Bulimia Nervosa is a notch down in the ranking but remains more socially acceptable, especially if it is a successful means to lose weight. Any binging disorder, especially one that leads to significant weight gain, is regarded by society as a lack of willpower, not an illness. And the obese don't even make it on the list. The general consensus is that they just need to stop eating.



A bigger disappointment is that the eating disorder community has largely followed suit. Even though some clinicians are starting to treat overweight people with eating disorders more equitably, the prejudice remains strong. The mental prison in which a patient with Anorexia or Bulimia lives is no less evident in the obese person with Binge Eating Disorder, Compulsive Overeating or Bulimia Nervosa. However, the clinical community continues to focus on underweight people with eating disorders. A quick search for residential treatment programs or day treatment programs makes the bias obvious. Obese people will get into a treatment program but they're not truly wanted. Even the current diagnostic classification system leaves the catch-all diagnosis of Eating Disorder Not-Otherwise-Specified as the only option for the obese. As of now, there is no available treatment for the overweight.



It's time for the clinical community to recognize that societal prejudice has altered the direction of diagnosis and treatment. Just as with underweight patients, the overweight with eating disorders struggle with psychological and emotional symptoms and endure a wide range of medical effects from their disease. Moreover, these patients have the same genetic predisposition to an eating disorder, experience the same type of triggering external circumstances, benefit from the same kind of therapy and work through the same stages of recovery. The difference of weight is exclusively based on the person's innate physiology. This means the clinical community excludes a population of sick patients from treatment based solely on their body's response to an illness. Clearly, this is unacceptable.



The eating disorder community can take a few simple steps to change this pattern. First, expand the available diagnoses to eliminate the weight bias. Second, create a clear clinical interview process to identify eating disorders in the overweight, one that enables clinicians to bypass their internal bias. Last, expose this discrimination to the community by emphasizing the behavioral and psychological symptoms of eating disorders over the focus on weight. A few small steps will open the door to treat all people with eating disorders

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Lizzylou · 21/11/2013 21:25

It is all about confidence, it really is. My Mom has been chased by men at size 18/20 just as much as at size 12/14. She just has always known she is gorgeous and a catch. Which she is.
I think if you feel you are not attractive/worth it, it shows.

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HowlingTrap · 21/11/2013 21:38

I don't choose to stay in bed, wish I had the chance, my depression makes me lethargic which I've had since I was a child, I've reported your post its disgustingly offensive , and totally uncalled for.

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HowlingTrap · 21/11/2013 21:42

I don't see vulnerable and needy , I just see someone who is overweight , would you define someone dressed skimply as a brash attention seeker, will self esteem issues?

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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 21:48

Anorexia is a complex psychological illness.
Someone in my close family suffered as an adult and subsequently died from the associated complications.




With the attitude you have shown on this thread Loopy im sadly not surprised by this. Sad

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Lizzylou · 21/11/2013 21:49

Not all overweight people are lazy overeaters, it isn't as simple as that.
As Howling says, there can be lots of other readons for being overweight.
And honestly, to make the effort to lise weight, if it is more than a stobe or so can seem such an insurmountable task, and people need to feel that they are worth that effort. Op sounds like she is feeling low, even when someone is finding her attractive she can't believe that they possibly could.
Those posting "well I am always slim and I constantly watch what I eat", well done, truly. But if you were feeling shite about yourself and knew you were a good few stones overweight, it isn't that simple. It takes effort to lose a lot of weight and you have to feel you are worthy of that effort.

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HowlingTrap · 21/11/2013 21:55

Hang on as second ago I just binge eat and lie in my pit, and now your a compassionate human being who realizes that generalizations aren't always right?

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Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 22:00

Darkesteyes

That comment is totally unnecessary and you ought to be ashamed of yourself for making it.


The person in question was not a blood relative but an 85 year old woman- not that it's any of your bloody business.

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EBearhug · 21/11/2013 22:01

Hang on as second ago I just binge eat and lie in my pit, and now your a compassionate human being who realizes that generalizations aren't always right?

loopyloulu & lizzylou - not the same.

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Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 22:09

Darkesteyes I have reported that post because it's out of order to imply I am responsible for someone's death from anorexia.

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Darkesteyes · 21/11/2013 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Loopyloulu · 21/11/2013 22:12

I am reporting you again. That was a confidential message and you have overstepped the mark.

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Lizzylou · 21/11/2013 22:12

Err, yes, I am not Loopy.
WTF is going on with this thread?....

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