Nobody fancies me now that I have put on weight...or is because of something else?

[mumlon2013]

For the past year I have been going through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband showed NO affection whatsoever for the past 3 years. So technically, I have been "single" for years.

Before I had my children, I considered myself attractive and had a lot of guys wanting to date me. Obviously, I didn't take up any offers because I was married. With kids, I put on a few stones and that is why nobody now asks me on a date and no man even looks at me. I am a size 20 desperately trying to lose weight to go back to a 12 but just keep comfort eating.

I reason with myself that it is all in my head and all my friends keep telling me I am still very attractive even with the extra pounds. But hey they are my friends, they cannot tell me I am too ugly!

I tried a bit of online dating but nothing came out of it. One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me.

I want to believe that personality is what really matters but why is nobody interested in me if people generally like me and like being in my presence?

Will I not be asked out until I lose some weight? That sounds crazy.

[normalishdude]

Gutted123

IME men are horrendously shallow when it comes to looks.


eerrr.. some men are, in the same way that some women are...

[Loopyloulu]

You can't accuse people of shallowness when it comes to appearance- it's a gut reaction. Just like I don't like blonde haired men. There is nothing wrong with them they just don't do it for me. If that's shallow, so be it.

[maparole]

Well, I have to say I find many of the responses on here are missing the point altogether, and are remarkably shallow.

First off, WHY are you concerning yourself with finding a "date" when you have spent an entire three years in an utterly miserable situation, and the last year the worst of the lot? You need to take some time to learn to be your own person and to like who you are.

Your confidence is clearly shot to pieces, and perhaps you have been over-eating to compensate for that, but really your weight is a side-issue.

Concentrate on you for a bit; not what you look like, but who you are and how you feel. Rebuild your life and learn to appreciate yourself. Perhaps start some sort of gentle exercise - walking is excellent - but with the aim of making yourself feel better, not with weight-loss as the primary goal.

When you feel stronger and kinder about yourself, you will start to treat yourself better and then you may decide that you would prefer to be slimmer, at which point you can begin to look at your eating and lifestyle in general.

But do it for you, not for the hope of someone fancying you.

[HowlingTrap]

Urgh, my god I am pointing out my dislike for the generalizations and ignorant thoughts people have about certain social groups, I posted above I am doing something about it so I'm not in denial, if that's being overly defensive then everyone is guilty of it about something.

[Joysmum]

My weight is correlated to my confidence. The more troubled I am, the bigger I am and I lose my outgoing carefree sparkle.

As I get back on track, the sparkle comes back and the weight starts to drop off again but it doesn't need to go before I get more attention and positive reactions from strangers which makes me appreciate it's about how I sparkle, not my weight.

[HowlingTrap]

I agree Joy to an extent, I suffer from clinical depression and sometimes when I'm happy I eat more and get bigger , but then drastically feel awful and ugly etc and just wanna stay in bed and loose a lot of weight, ten put it back on.

Equally sometimes I loose weight and feel great, and then sometimes if I've been ill, been stuck in the longer I've been in the scarier it is to go outside cuz' I've put on weight and self concious, so I become very scared to go outside etc.

[Loopyloulu]

Howling if you have mental health issues- and depression is one of those- then yo-yoing weight is a known factor- either as a cause of the illness or a symptom of it.

[CuChullain]

"IME men are horrendously shallow when it comes to looks. "

I guess when I was internet dating I must have imagined all those women’s profiles that explicitly stated that they would not consider any blokes who were less than 6ft, bald, had hairy backs, overweight etc

[HowlingTrap]

Like I said in my earlier post you have to think and be careful about posting things like 'Just don't eat as much', and making lofty assumptions.
Every body in Britain largely eats too much some get fat some don't , there are always variables in a situation.

[hellsbellsmelons]

One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me

This is your problem and I'm sure it's been mentioned previously.
If you don't like yourself, you will project this and so no-one else will either.

You need to love yourself for who you are and then others will follow.

Eat healthy
Portion control
Snack control
Exercise

Make a plan. Exercise and food plan.
It's not a diet. Any eating is part of your daily diet. You just need to adjust it.
Put together a weekly plan for all 3 meals and include healthy snacks.

When you put your mind to it you can do anything.
You just need the right mind set. It will come.

Good luck and stop putting yourself down.

[Jan45]

HowlingTrap, we all make assumptions, is part of our nature, even you are doing it on this post! You are coming across as very antagonistic. Loopy is right, eat less and you may find you lose some weight, it's not rocket science.

[Poogate]

I agree with Loopy (as I find I often do). She is talking sense here.

[snowshepherd]

I think it is probably down to weight. I personally don't find overweight people attractive. It makes me think they don't care. Often these people don't like their own weight and this comes through in their confidence levels which becomes a double whammy.

[BsshBossh]

Maybe you feel your own weight doesn't affect what you do now, but if your weight stays the same you will have health issues when you are older. Loopyloulu this was my experience.

I have spent most of my adult life in various stages of being overweight: from a stone to 6 stones overweight. Yet by and large I've always been confident about myself, been attractive to other people and have suffered no health issues related to weight. Even at my largest (size 20) I was happy and very fit.

Then I had my daughter, turned 40 and started noticing that too many of my parents' friends who'd spent their adult lives overweight but happy and fit were, in their 60s, succumbing to all sorts of weight-related illnesses. Including diabetes, knee replacements, strokes and severe mobility problems.

Sure, they were generally fine for most of their adult lives... until they hit their 60s. I didn't want that to happen to me (especially as I'm an older mum and need to be fit for my daughter for a long time).

So I went on my first proper "diet" last year at the grand old age of 42. This year I took up exercise (swimming, heavy weights, powerwalking). 5.5 stones gone. I am now size 8/10 and have never, truly truly, felt more alive!

[BsshBossh]

Every body in Britain largely eats too much some get fat some don't... HowlingTrap those that don't get fat tend to balance their eating out - so, for example, if they overeat at one meal or on one day they naturally undereat (often without thinking about it) the next meal/day. Those who stay overweight generally don't balance out their eating. I can only speak from my own experiences (as an overweight and now a slim person) and observations.

[Pinupgirl]

Work on your confidence op-20 is just the label size in your clothes and surely you are so much more than that? By all means if you want to then try and live a bit healthier but don't let anyone tell you that you are not attractive due to your size-bollocks.

Have a look at the Fullerfigurefullerbust or the Curvywordy blogs for curvy ladies who are gorgeous.

I am a size 16 and I still get attention from men-its all about your attitude. I dress well,always have my hair and make up done and exude an air of confidence. People seem to find that attractive imo.

[saggytummy]

It's all about making the best of what you have and dressing for your body style, disguise the bad bits and accentuAte the good.Fwiw men like women have their own preferences looks wise and don't automatically assume it's your weight.

[Xenadog]

OP what is your priority? Is it to feel better about yourself? Is it to attract a man for a relationship? Is it to lose weight?

These three things may be connected but ultimately one of them will be a priority/driving force. Once you are clear in your own head you will be able to get yourself focused on what it is you want and how you can achieve it.

A size 20 is large but doesn't mean you are unattractive to men. You won't be attractive to all men but that's true of anyone woman regardless of shape and size. Size 20 does mean you will find your fashion choices a bit limited and your health and general fitness won't be as good as it could be but it's not the end of the world and if you choose to lose weight you probably could get to a size 16 in about 3 months.

However, as someone who struggles with weight too I would say you need to be kinder to yourself. The weight didn't go on over night and it won't come off quickly either (unless you do a mad crash diet and then it will pile back on) so maybe join a slimming club to give you support and confidence?

As for comfort eating all I can say to people who say there's no such thing and have been keen "to give the OP a dose of truth" when you are overweight and have eaten badly (for whatever reason) it is difficult to break those bad habits. Unlike an alcoholic, gambler or smoker you can go cold turkey by avoiding places and people who drink, gamble and smoke. If you over/comfort eat you still need to eat food and temptation is everywhere so relying on will power is a lot more difficult. After all you wouldn't take an alcoholic to the pub three times a day and ask them what they fancied to drink would you?

OP, you do need to decide what your priority is and then work towards meeting that goal. You have to take control of the situation - no one else can - but believe in yourself and remember a journey of a thousand miles has to begin with one step.

[Ms23]

How would you feel about dating an overweight man OP?

[Loopyloulu]

Xena there's a lot of good in your post and it's supportive and I agree with a lot of it. There is also masses of help in RL for anyone obese, whether through the NHS or privately with weight loss coaches, people like Weight Watchers, counsellors etc.

I don't completely agree about the comfort eating and addiction. Smoking and drinking are real physical addictions where people have a physiological response or reliance that has to be broken. That's not quite the same as pushing your trolley round Asda and not putting cakes, crisps, pizzas, choccie etc in the trolley. There is a time delay between buying and consuming ( like with ciggies or booze) but fundamentally no one puts the food in your trolley or hands over the money at the till.

Overeating , or more often eating the wrong food, is not going to have the physical withdrawal symptoms that go with smoking or drinking. But you are right to say that 3 times a day at least the temptation is there!

OP it will help to recognise when you feel tempted to comfort eat and try to break the cycle. The more you can do this the easier it will be. There's loads of good advice here from posters and ultimately you are doing this for your own long term health- if a man comes along and likes you as a size 18, 16, or 10, that's great. But to lose weight or make any changes to bad habits or unhealthy lifestyles you've got to want to do it for YOU and really want to do it- 100%.

[Pinupgirl]

So if over eating is not an addiction or illness then do you not believe in anorexialoopy?

[ToTheTeeth]

How does overweight mean needy and vulnerable that literally doesn't make any sense?

I literally cannot see how you are baffled by this. If I'd said all overweight people were good at French I'd accept your questioning. But how does either a) an inability to self-regulate, b) not caring about your health and appearance or c) needing to turn to food to comfort, not suggest that something is going wrong? The OP clearly hasn't put on weight due to a casual joie de vivre, she has, to use the parlance of Mean Girls, been eating her feelings. As do many overweight people. Fat is often a big "hurting" sign that people drap around themselves. That is I think one of the reason why it turns off people looking for a healthy, balanced relationship. That and the simple biological reason that most people are not attracted to someone who is overweight.