Nobody fancies me now that I have put on weight...or is because of something else?

[mumlon2013]

For the past year I have been going through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband showed NO affection whatsoever for the past 3 years. So technically, I have been "single" for years.

Before I had my children, I considered myself attractive and had a lot of guys wanting to date me. Obviously, I didn't take up any offers because I was married. With kids, I put on a few stones and that is why nobody now asks me on a date and no man even looks at me. I am a size 20 desperately trying to lose weight to go back to a 12 but just keep comfort eating.

I reason with myself that it is all in my head and all my friends keep telling me I am still very attractive even with the extra pounds. But hey they are my friends, they cannot tell me I am too ugly!

I tried a bit of online dating but nothing came out of it. One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me.

I want to believe that personality is what really matters but why is nobody interested in me if people generally like me and like being in my presence?

Will I not be asked out until I lose some weight? That sounds crazy.

[HowlingTrap]

Oh I do apologize , I think I need some caffiene.

Although Darksteyes comment was a bit too close to the bone, I thank her for having some decency to speak out about some of the nastiness that had been spewed my way and other posters.

[Darkesteyes]

I dont get it If your 85 year old MIL was the person you were talking about who died from anorexia how was it relevant to this thread You are the one who has deliberately drip fed this just in case anyone stood up to you as i have done.

[Lizzylou]

I don't understand the pm anyway!
Poor op. She needs bolstering up, as do others (who may have got me mistaken for others ), petty catfights and agendas don't help.

[Darkesteyes]

Howling Thankyou It is well documented that singer Karen Carpenters anorexia was triggered by a journalist calling her chubby.

[Loopyloulu]

I am withdrawing from this thread and have contacted MNHQ. It is despicable that a PM- a PRIVATE message is made public as it was sent in confidence. I am disgusted that someone doesn't understand that and makes it public.

[HowlingTrap]

I reported one of your posts Loopy for being grossly offensive maybe you could begin by behaving like a decent human and apologize for that if you expect compassion.

[HowlingTrap]

I apologize again Lizzy,

[Darkesteyes]

Loopy you put the same thing in the PM as you did on the thread??????!!!!

[Lizzylou]

Darkest, your intentions were pure lovely
Howling, no worries, honest.
Weight is such a contentious issue it seems, those who have always maintained their weight/slenderness often cause offence on threads like these, they just don't understand how people can get big enough to make the effort of losing weight seem such a task. Bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss.
And I get that people can develop anorexia from being called chunky. My own metabolism us fucked due to the binge/purge years after my mother said my thighs were getting big. Cambridge diet at 13?

[Darkesteyes]

Thabkyou Lizzy.
cambridge diet at 13????

[Twinklestein]

On a different note - recent figures from research by London uni showed that 68% of British men are overweight or obese compared to 49% of British women.

There are thus more overweight men than women in the UK, so claims such as 'men prefer slim women' are kinda irrelevant: they might like a slim partner just as they'd like one who looked like Angelina Jolie, however they have to take what they can get.

The OP could perhaps focus on men who are generously proportioned themselves.

[Lizzylou]

Well heck, yes, Twinkle. I personally would only like to date men with the cheekbones of Morten Harket , the eyes of Paul Hollywood and the rest Daniel Craig. Do I look like most men's every waking dream? Do I hell!
I am also very happily married, to a triathlete no less, just one who rather likes a bit of junk in the trunk.

[TreaterAnita]

Gone off at a bit if a tangent hasn't it, great job of frightening the OP (who was looking for some advice I believe) away.

If you're still reading mumion I completely agree with the posters who say that your issue is not size but confidence. Yes, you probably do have a smaller pool to fish from, dating wise, if you're not slim as for many men that's something on their wish list, just because of societal norms I guess. But then your wish list might include, I dunno, a full head of hair, and then you chat with someone on line, love his personality and despite the fact that he's bald as a coot he's got twinkly eyes and a winning smile and you are really attracted to him. Imagine if he then refused to believe that you fancied him because he had no hair. You'd think he was being ridiculous.

Also, IME, weight loss is easier when you're fulfilled and happy in yourself. I don't know how old your kids are, but it sounds entirely possible that a shit marriage, rather than reproduction, was the cause if your weight gain. And what makes you feel good can also help you to lose weight. I know that you've got kids to look after as a SP which can make taking time for yourself difficult, but you have a few hours when they're in bed if they're little, and teens can look after themselves some of the time, and contact time with dad (if that happens, don't want to presume). I always find that if I have a bit if time to focus on myself, things like exercise classes (or DVDs), baths, moisturising, that sort of thing, it both replaces any comfort eating but also makes me a lot more focused on my physical body and less likely to eat crap. I basically lose weight when I'm either stressed as hell or so chilled that I can focus on me. It's the middle, prioritising everything else bits of life, that lead me to put on weight as I'm not really that bothered about myself.

I don't think you have to lose weight to be attractive to men by the way, but I think if you prioritise yourself a bit more that might happen anyway, and even if it didn't, your confidence would be boosted and you wouldn't ignore the next guy who says that he actually does fancy you.

[Darkesteyes]

Great post Anita.

[VelvetSpoon]

I think the growth in popularity of OD has caused a sweetshop mentality among men (and women) where they feel there is so much choice they can be entirely arbitrary in a way they never would be in real life...I have seen many men stating 'nothing above a size 12' ....I went on a date with one such bloke last year. He was (and remains) very overweight, more than 6st at a guess. Yet he felt entitled to judge women for their size!

I am a size 12-14. Men I know outside of OD think I am gorgeous, have a great figure, and that any man would be lucky to be my boyfriend! In the OD world however I struggled to get beyond 1 date, at least in part because I'm not a sz 10. I do think a lot of it is the OD environment, and the behaviours it encourages, rather than that the OP is too fat to date or attract a man. My advice would be ditch the OD, because all it will do is fuck up her self confidence yet further (I did it for years and now have far more issues than I ever did before!). Anyone who says OD is good for self-confidence clearly hasn't done much of it!!

[Darkesteyes]

YY Velvet OMG i wish MN had a "like" button so i could press it for your post Ive never OD but ive certainly read enough about it on threads on here and it certainly could be an eating disorder trigger IMO.

Re. your first paragraph ....we have got "em round here. An extremely overweight cab driver has often said to me how much better i look now ive lost weight, its so good that you are losing weight , women look so much better when they are slimmer blah blah blah....ad infinitum

[BillyBanter]

weight is only one aspect of our attractiveness. All the different aspects are mixed together in differing amounts to make the whole 'attractiveness score'. Being more or less happy and smiley and laughy, feeling more or less attractive, lack of self-esteem versus feelings of self-worth, more or less pretty face more open and friendly versus grumpy and quiet etc. All of these things affect the size of the pool of available and interested parties.

If we were to control for all other factors being overweight would make you less attractive in this society at this time than not being overweight.

[Darkesteyes]

velvet the lowest i can get down to is a 12/14 and i weigh just over 12 stone at that size but am an hourglass with a small waist but big boobs and bum. OD is one thing i will NEVER do after the threads i have read on here.

[sandfrog]

OP, the right person for you will like you just as you are. People of all kinds of appearances find partners and so will you. Just be yourself and then you'll find people who like the real you.

[payhisdebt]

I've recently gone from 13 stone to 9 stone in a few months and have gone from invisible to men to fighting em off.

I did it by acquainting myself with hunger and not eating at all between meals . I trained my appetite to expect less and freed myself from obsessing about food. I feel like I have been released from a lifelong prison.

all diets fail long term because they reinforce the fat mentality, ie to be obsessed with food so they are not sustainable .


I have trained myself to not consider food so important .

[arsenaltilidie]

OP how about putting dating aside and concetrate on losing weight.
That's at least one burden out of the way.

[something2say]

I really recommend a whole food diet. With treats!!! This means no white anything, potatoes, rice, pasta.

We eat muesli for breakfast, eggs on whole grain at the weekend, with maybe avocado and tomatoes.

We have apples and or almonds as a mid morning snack.

We have some of the leftover tea from last night for lunch, and again a snack in the afternoon.

At night, we tend to eat veg done in a pan so no loss of vitamins, with fish and either sweet potatoes, brown rice, quinoa or a lentil dish.

I find that this is tasty and filling. I don't get hungry, that is wrong. I then think, oh well I've been really good so I can get three bags of crisps for a treat, and the I really notice that they feel shit in my belly when I hae eaten them.

And this is how long term change gets made. Noticing the difference.

I found pmt massively seriously reduced as well as a result of this diet. I am not overweight but do work out and the muscles now show thro the small layer of fat and that is very pleasing for me at 39.

Good luck x don't think about it, just do it. This is how healthy people live xxx be one xxx

[Ledkr]

Would you lose weight on that though something ?

[VelvetSpoon]

BIf you've been unhappy for a long time, food becomes a comfort. My Ex used to tell me I was fat and ugly...food was my friend. I'd eat, and it hurt less. It's hard to change that kind of thinking overnight however motivated you may be to lose weight.

I am still 2.5 stone away from what BMI calls a 'healthy' weight, hence I don't tend to tell people what I weigh (it's a lot more than my appearance and dress size would suggest)

Attractiveness in general is based on many things, not just looks. BUT OD encourages you to judge purely on appearance, make snap judgments and set unrealistic criteria. If you met someone in a pub, or party, or through work, he wouldn't instantly think 'oh they're not a perfect size 10' unless he was unbelievably shallow. But OD encourages those judgments, for people to fixate on an ideal...when in real life, you meet people and attraction is based on so much more than appearance.

[Spiritedwolf]

Sounds like being larger might help to sift out all the unpleasant blokes who only date those under a certain size.

mumlon as evidenced by this thread, people are very opinionated about bodies like yours and mine. Probably this means there are some people who wouldn't be interested in dating you, but there are lots of others who would be. The problem is your confidence if someone is telling you you are beautiful and you don't believe them. Even if you lost the weight overnight (unfortunately I'm still waiting for this to happen :) ), you have to have the self esteem to accept that other people can find you attractive (which I'm sure they do and will!).

Losing weight won't make you happy, but being happy might help you take good care of yourself, which may have a side effect of weight loss.

I really wish that people who express disgust and contempt for people with larger bodies would STFU. Because even if they are right about the basics (eat less, move more) - it just isn't as simple as that (Diets don't work, for instance, and I'm not just talking about crash diets, I'm also talking about lifestyle changey programmes like WW, they have a very low success rate for long term weight loss* ) and their words do more damage than good. In order to make positive, difficult changes in your life, you need to feel worthy of them, fat shaming doesn't achieve that. If fat shaming worked, we'd all be slim. Be very careful when you tell someone to diet because diets can cause long term weight gain - the message to a body already predisposed to keeping good stores of fat is that it is living in a feast/famine environment, so the drive to overeat to have better supplies in case of future famine is increased.

Losing weight for someone who with a BMI over 40, is not the same as for someone who 'over indulged' over the festive period and wants to lose a little weight before getting into their swimwear for their summer holiday. You really can't extrapolate from the latter and apply it to the former.

The recieved wisdom is that dieting/lifestyle changes require normal levels of self control, and so if someone has fat then they must be lacking in self control (as we've heard already on the thread). I disagree. I think that people who have excess fat probably have normal levels of self control, the same levels as the people who are of a normal weight but who don't need to 'work at' staying that weight. I.e. most of their eating habits are on autopilot, they don't think too much about it, they go by their appetite, the habits they learnt whilst growing up in terms of portion size, finishing whats on their plate, what they eat etc. they are probably influenced by advertising to a greater or lesser extent, and certain things like appetite etc are affected by genetics and epigentics. The difference is that the "norm" for the person who has fat, is set at a higher level of calorie intake.

I actually think that losing a substantial amount of weight involves a much greater than usual amount of self-control. The effect is one of obessively starving yourself while surrounded by food, just the same as someone who suffers from anorexia, the difference is the starting weight and that society cheers on the person who started at a high BMI (unfortunately elements of it can also cheer on inappropriate weight loss too). You are bringing under conscious control something which is normally on auto-pilot (to a much greater extent than someone trying to maintain a 'healthy' weight, or trying to lose a small amount).

I lost 6 stone. I was an absolute bore at the time, I can tell you. It was all I was focussed on, all I thought or talked about. I then got pregnant (which was brilliant, my main aim in losing weight was to get healthy so I could get pregnant, either naturally or with help), which put a hold on my weight loss, and whilst I managed to keep my pregnancy gain down (had lost weight overall after the birth), my DS is a year old and I've put on weight again (maybe a stone or so over my post loss, pre-pregnancy weight). I think I put the weight back on because my eating was no longer my absolute focus, (being a mum was) my body had put it back on auto-pilot, and returned to the over-eating habits that made me large in the first place.

I would need to lose 7 stone or so to get down to a healthy BMI. I do want to do it (or at least get down to having a BMI under 30 so I can lose the obese label) but its a flipping headfuck trying to figure out how to do it sustainbly so I don't put it back on (and then some). There just isn't a proven, effective method of doing it.

*I know what you are thinking, that those who fail to sustain WW/SW/any diet weight loss aren't doing it right, they've fallen off the programme. True. But what you have to ask yourself instead of blaming it on some personal failing of people who have fat, is that what is it about these programmes that the vast majority of people who do them cannot stick with them. As much as many of them claim to be 'not a diet, a new lifestyle,' etc, they just arent sustainable over the long term, people do stop them.