For the past year I have been going through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband showed NO affection whatsoever for the past 3 years. So technically, I have been "single" for years.
Before I had my children, I considered myself attractive and had a lot of guys wanting to date me. Obviously, I didn't take up any offers because I was married. With kids, I put on a few stones and that is why nobody now asks me on a date and no man even looks at me. I am a size 20 desperately trying to lose weight to go back to a 12 but just keep comfort eating.
I reason with myself that it is all in my head and all my friends keep telling me I am still very attractive even with the extra pounds. But hey they are my friends, they cannot tell me I am too ugly!
I tried a bit of online dating but nothing came out of it. One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me.
I want to believe that personality is what really matters but why is nobody interested in me if people generally like me and like being in my presence?
Will I not be asked out until I lose some weight? That sounds crazy.
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Nobody fancies me now that I have put on weight...or is because of something else?
mumlon2013 · 21/11/2013 02:26
Sounds like being larger might help to sift out all the unpleasant blokes who only date those under a certain size. 
mumlon as evidenced by this thread, people are very opinionated about bodies like yours and mine. Probably this means there are some people who wouldn't be interested in dating you, but there are lots of others who would be. The problem is your confidence if someone is telling you you are beautiful and you don't believe them. Even if you lost the weight overnight (unfortunately I'm still waiting for this to happen :) ), you have to have the self esteem to accept that other people can find you attractive (which I'm sure they do and will!).
Losing weight won't make you happy, but being happy might help you take good care of yourself, which may have a side effect of weight loss.
I really wish that people who express disgust and contempt for people with larger bodies would STFU. Because even if they are right about the basics (eat less, move more) - it just isn't as simple as that (Diets don't work, for instance, and I'm not just talking about crash diets, I'm also talking about lifestyle changey programmes like WW, they have a very low success rate for long term weight loss* ) and their words do more damage than good. In order to make positive, difficult changes in your life, you need to feel worthy of them, fat shaming doesn't achieve that. If fat shaming worked, we'd all be slim. Be very careful when you tell someone to diet because diets can cause long term weight gain - the message to a body already predisposed to keeping good stores of fat is that it is living in a feast/famine environment, so the drive to overeat to have better supplies in case of future famine is increased.
Losing weight for someone who with a BMI over 40, is not the same as for someone who 'over indulged' over the festive period and wants to lose a little weight before getting into their swimwear for their summer holiday. You really can't extrapolate from the latter and apply it to the former.
The recieved wisdom is that dieting/lifestyle changes require normal levels of self control, and so if someone has fat then they must be lacking in self control (as we've heard already on the thread). I disagree. I think that people who have excess fat probably have normal levels of self control, the same levels as the people who are of a normal weight but who don't need to 'work at' staying that weight. I.e. most of their eating habits are on autopilot, they don't think too much about it, they go by their appetite, the habits they learnt whilst growing up in terms of portion size, finishing whats on their plate, what they eat etc. they are probably influenced by advertising to a greater or lesser extent, and certain things like appetite etc are affected by genetics and epigentics. The difference is that the "norm" for the person who has fat, is set at a higher level of calorie intake.
I actually think that losing a substantial amount of weight involves a much greater than usual amount of self-control. The effect is one of obessively starving yourself while surrounded by food, just the same as someone who suffers from anorexia, the difference is the starting weight and that society cheers on the person who started at a high BMI (unfortunately elements of it can also cheer on inappropriate weight loss too). You are bringing under conscious control something which is normally on auto-pilot (to a much greater extent than someone trying to maintain a 'healthy' weight, or trying to lose a small amount).
I lost 6 stone. I was an absolute bore at the time, I can tell you. It was all I was focussed on, all I thought or talked about. I then got pregnant (which was brilliant, my main aim in losing weight was to get healthy so I could get pregnant, either naturally or with help), which put a hold on my weight loss, and whilst I managed to keep my pregnancy gain down (had lost weight overall after the birth), my DS is a year old and I've put on weight again (maybe a stone or so over my post loss, pre-pregnancy weight). I think I put the weight back on because my eating was no longer my absolute focus, (being a mum was) my body had put it back on auto-pilot, and returned to the over-eating habits that made me large in the first place.
I would need to lose 7 stone or so to get down to a healthy BMI. I do want to do it (or at least get down to having a BMI under 30 so I can lose the obese label) but its a flipping headfuck trying to figure out how to do it sustainbly so I don't put it back on (and then some). There just isn't a proven, effective method of doing it.
*I know what you are thinking, that those who fail to sustain WW/SW/any diet weight loss aren't doing it right, they've fallen off the programme. True. But what you have to ask yourself instead of blaming it on some personal failing of people who have fat, is that what is it about these programmes that the vast majority of people who do them cannot stick with them. As much as many of them claim to be 'not a diet, a new lifestyle,' etc, they just arent sustainable over the long term, people do stop them.
YY Velvet OMG i wish MN had a "like" button so i could press it for your post Ive never OD but ive certainly read enough about it on threads on here and it certainly could be an eating disorder trigger IMO.
Re. your first paragraph ....we have got "em round here. An extremely overweight cab driver has often said to me how much better i look now ive lost weight, its so good that you are losing weight , women look so much better when they are slimmer blah blah blah....ad infinitum 
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