Nobody fancies me now that I have put on weight...or is because of something else?

[mumlon2013]

For the past year I have been going through a bitter divorce and my ex-husband showed NO affection whatsoever for the past 3 years. So technically, I have been "single" for years.

Before I had my children, I considered myself attractive and had a lot of guys wanting to date me. Obviously, I didn't take up any offers because I was married. With kids, I put on a few stones and that is why nobody now asks me on a date and no man even looks at me. I am a size 20 desperately trying to lose weight to go back to a 12 but just keep comfort eating.

I reason with myself that it is all in my head and all my friends keep telling me I am still very attractive even with the extra pounds. But hey they are my friends, they cannot tell me I am too ugly!

I tried a bit of online dating but nothing came out of it. One guy really liked me and kept telling me I looked beautiful but I could not imagine that somebody could fancy me.

I want to believe that personality is what really matters but why is nobody interested in me if people generally like me and like being in my presence?

Will I not be asked out until I lose some weight? That sounds crazy.

[Loopyloulu]

I'd say not buying certain food is one strategy that works for some people. We follow that- I never buy biscuits, cakes, sweets etc- because if I did both me and DH would tuck in, so easier not to have them in the house at all. Will make some very occasionally.

But for other people having a list of 'banned foods' just creates cravings, uncontrolled impulse buying/eating and guilt= more eating and guilt.

It's far better to have a healthy food intake 90% of the time and enjoy healthy food, then have the odd treat- it's when they high fat, high sugar foods become 90% of your intake that problems arise. And we are programmed to like these foods- breast milk is sweet and fatty and our taste buds for sweet foods are at the front of the tongue- all part of preservation of the species!

[Loopyloulu]

oh thanks- xpost and missed that :)

[normalishdude]

...from a man's perspective.....

it will matter to some men (but certainly not all) but for various reasons. Some blokes don't find larger women physically attractive. Some may think that it indicates that the person is not looking after themselves. Some may think that they wont have a lot in common with the person (if the bloke is into fitness and exercise, going for walks, etc). To others, it will make no difference.

Personally, I think that keeping fit and healthy is the single most important thing a person can do. Making the move towards being healthier will have positive impacts in most areas of someone's life, relationships included.

[normalishdude]

...addendum..

best way to start losing weight .. eat only home made soup after 3 pm. As much as you like (as long as it has no milk, cream, yogurt or too many beans in it)

[BsshBossh]

It is to do with self-confidence and how you radiate it outwards: I'm generally a quiet but confident person and have had men interested me at size 18+ and my current size 10.

Stop thinking about another relationship or men's interest in you. Lose weight for you: focus on how losing weight will make you feel (eg fitter, more energy, ability to wear the clothes you love, looking good in your own eyes) and not about the attentions of others. Once you start focusing on yourself, you'll radiate a self-confidence that will, I guarantee it, get you noticed.

[Jan45]

If you don't feel good about the way you look then people will pick up on that vibe and won't rate you either. With being a size 20, I would suggest you try losing some weight, it's not healthy and could have diabetes implications in later life.

I'm afraid we do live in a culture where looks seem to be very important so of course when you first meet men they will notice your weight and could put them off, I'm sure what you are reading here is pretty much what you know yourself, it's just hard making the first step - go to the docs for support and a weight plan and tell yourself you will be a newer and better you in the new year.

[underthesky]

I need to lose about 4 stone. We can do it together. Pm me.

A lot of it has to do with confidence. The better you feel about yourself the easier it is to step out of this vicious circle that you find yourself in now. It's all in the mind. You Can Do This...

[BsshBossh]

By the way, I've lost 5.5 stones using MyFitnessPal (great for being honest, learning normal serving sizes, seeing exactly how much you eat) and 5:2. If you're interested, there are loads of threads in the Weightloss and Fasting talk sections.

[HowlingTrap]

How does overweight mean needy and vulnerable that literally doesn't make any sense?
I understand the no willpower bit , but then again with that logic I'd have to look at smokers ,heavydrinkers, underweight people/underweight pregnant people who fail to feed there unborn baby adequately cuz they want to stay skinny, promiscuous people, etc with the same repulsion.

I'm bigger than 20 and I'm trying to loose weight currently, but yes It does affect how men/ people react to you.
I agree perhaps you should think more along the lines of, I want to nourish my body (I know how corny that sounds) and look after it rather than , I want to attract men.

[Loopyloulu]

Howling- I think the needy and vulnerable comes from people linking comfort eating and being obese. It can give the impression of being 'out of control' or being unable to control your emotions. Interestingly, I do know some managers who say they'd be put off job applicants who were obese because to them it indicates personality issues, lack of control, lack of confidence, lack of self respect, as well as the fact that unfit employees tend to take more time of work and get tired more easily.

It's not about just being attractive- sadly it's what goes on in someone's head to make them reach that size.

[HowlingTrap]

Its a lot of asumptions though isn't it? Overweight is unhealthy we all know that obviously.
I am overweight, a full time mum who cuz ' of where I live has to walk up *& down 3 flights of stairs 4 times a day as well walking nearly 2 miles , and look after chiildren plus sleep deprivation.
My slimmer friends need a lie down after an afternoon of what I have to do, that job thing enrages me as tbh I'd probably be a much harder worker than women my age cuz' my body has had to endure a lot (young mum).

[Loopyloulu]

If you are still overweight with all that exercise then you need to stop eating so much .

Sorry but weight and appearance affect people's judgement of a person. If it makes you angry I can't help that- I'm writing what I have heard people say.

[underthesky]

Sorry - I agree with Loopy. I am 4 stone overweight, but I work out like a maniac. I NEVER sit down either. I just LOVE my food (and wine). It's a lot harder to shift the weight as you get older too. People do judge you by your size. I've lost about a stone (over 6 months, or something ridiculous like that). It's only just become noticeable, and there IS a difference in the amount of 'looks' and positive encounters I have had (i.e. getting chatted up/friendly banter from men). Now I am not bothered about this. I am happily married and DH loves me for who I am blah blah blah. I don't need this attention to make myself feel better, i've just noticed it. I want to be slimmer for ME, and me alone.

Mumlon, I can totally understand how you feel. As I said, it's a cycle that you can and will break.

[HowlingTrap]

Its more complicated than Loopylou ,in the nicest way you really should think before you post stuff like that.

What makes me angry is its very one sided, people hide behind 'I'm concerned about health' but ignore other rampant unhealthy lifestyles, and the most unhealthy people and pregnancies I have know irl are underweight people.

[Loopyloulu]

I don't want to seem harsh here. I understand. As a pre teen I was overweight. I had to have clothes made by an elderly aunt because anything that fitted my waist was far too big everywhere else. This was in the 60s and people were slimmer generally. I remember crying because I couldn't wear the clothes in shops I liked.
Now, I make choices. A piece of cake or another roll of flab round the middle?
It's not easy. But if you can take control OP- join a group or MN for moral support, set yourself a realistic target such as 2 lbs or even 1lb loss a week, you will get there IF YOU REALLY WANT TO.

[Loopyloulu]

No Howling it's not being simplistic. Being slim doesn't always mean being fit- everyone needs exercise whether they are 8 st or 18 st. You can't 'defend' fatness on the basis that you know women who are unhealthy ( whatever that means) but slim. And being very underweight is not healthy anyway- we all know that.
I'm talking about the onset of diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, all of which will affect overweight people not maybe in their 20s but certainly in middle age. I'm not talking about people having the occasional cold or tummy bug or whatever.

[HowlingTrap]

I'm not defending fatness, you have become confused I'm voicing my annoyance at how ignorant peoples assumptions of overweight people are and how it affects people daily lives, and becomes insidious,

I mean unhealthy as in couldn't carry a child, severe health problems , having overdue babies that aren't even 6lb and having babies stop growing etc.

[maleview70]

Men in general prefer women who are slimmer than size 20.

But men also like confident women.

I fancied the pants off a size 18 women once because she was just so god damn sexy! She played hard to get and the more she didn't want me the more I wanted her! I still had no joy and she was never short of attention.

Confidence is very appealing to men as are women who take pride in their appearance whatever their size, hair, clothes, make up, nails...etc etc....

[Loopyloulu]

Howling- I don't think there is anything that you can say in defence of people being overweight. People make judgements. You can generalise to an extent. Maybe you feel your own weight doesn't affect what you do now, but if your weight stays the same you will have health issues when you are older. Have you not heard about the diabetes epidemic? There is no doubt at all that people who are overweight have more illness in a lifetime.
I don't know why you bring in underweight women anyway- it's another topic.

[Gutted123]

IME men are horrendously shallow when it comes to looks.

I go out quite a lot and notice that the amount I get chatted up is directly linked to how much wobble I'm carrying. Even putting a stone on makes a difference. Sad (well not for me - I'm happily married) and wrong but there you go.

[Gutted123]

Btw - I've found the easiest way to lose weight is to not buy stuff you'd snack on (I don't crave anything that isn't in the house) and to eat what everyone else does but halve your portion. Banning anything makes you want it more.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Why is it sad? People are allowed to have preferences.

[HowlingTrap]

Well it is the same topic thats the point, Its not certain I will have health problems , I went through 2 pregnancies without so much as a wavering blood pressure, when every medical pro will tell an overweight pregnant mother , 'this will happen,that will happen...etc' nothing is certain.

There is no will about it, increased risk is just that increased risk, you making assumptions about things you can't possibly or anybody for that matter be certain of.

At no point have I said fatness is a good thing, no-one would but predjudice, which it is is wrong.

[Gutted123]

Eirikur - very true.

[Loopyloulu]

Howling- you are starting to sound like a 50 a day smoker who lived till they are 102. Stop trying so hard to defend your own weight. Yes of course there are exceptions. You were lucky not to be ill when pregnant. equally, you might have been and your child might have suffered too. People do make assumptions and some of the time those assumptions are right.