No sex please. Well, actually...

[PaulMcGannsMistress]

I wouldn't mind some. But it's been years. The kids are often awake, true, but all my advances are usually rebuffed. He talks about sex a lot, in that he gets his cock out in the kitchen and wangles it about as a joke, but when it comes down to it, there's not a sniff of any action and I'm at my wits end in terms of knowing what to do about it.

Why does he rebuff your advances

'Too tired' 'just want to cuddle' 'not in the mood'

In no particular order...

Is he staying up late after you've gone to bed? watching online porn?

But waves it at you. Lovely fellow.

Nope, no porn (he wouldn't know fuck all about how to hide it)

I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong

Have you tried initiating in the morning? Could he be struggling to maintain an erection and hence avoiding the real deal?

I thought it might be something like that, but I try at all times of the day and he doesn't even get as far as an erection, he just bats me away.

Have you talked about it with him? My sympathies btw - I know what it's like to live in a sex-less marriage

Yes we've talked. He's just dismissive, says it doesn't really matter. But it matters to me...

Personally, I would have a hard time feeling remotely sexual towards a man who "wangled" (great word!) his member at me when I was in the kitchen minding my own business. It strikes me as a very childish, locker-room mentality. He's lucky you're still making advances!

Why do you assume it's something you're doing wrong? Sounds more likely to be some issue he's got but won't admit to. Or he just likes tormenting you.

I understand the time-honoured method to change his attitude is to stop making any advances of your own, take up a hobby, dress nicely for yourself and go about looking and feeling as fab as frustration will allow. And then he may wonder what he's missing. Can't help thinking that a healthy relationship wouldn't need either party to play such games, though.

It could be for all sorts of reasons. It could be lack of confidence, tiredness, some underlying medical condition that he is embarrassed to talk about, or (as was the case in my marriage) a fear of intimacy on his part.

Of course it matters to you. It is really demoralising and tough on your self-confidence being turned down all the time like that - and he should at least afford you the courtesy of talking about it. Have you told him how tough you are finding it?

Would he consider a sex therapist (that's how our DD was conceived - and it did help for a while - but we had to stop when I was pregnant and it was all downhill from there - but while we were doing it it made a difference).

I agree that the getting of the cock out in the kitchen is pretty rank - and actually unkind if he is refusing to have sex with you. Does he have a reason for doing that?

What is your marriage like otherwise? Are you able to talk candidly with one another?

I would insist he either tells me what the problem is or be asking to seperate but I'm a bit of a cow like that!

Ironically if there is a problem there are probably lots of options that could be tried.

... I know there's a chance it's the pressure you're putting him under that makes him feel less able to perform, nobody likes being pestered for sex, but I don't think the talking and cock-waggling is consistent with that being the problem. I think he wants you to beg and pester. Could just be projecting too far though.

Well he goes on all the time about how good our marriage is. Because he can make me laugh still. Which is true, he's a bit of a clown.

I don't pester him for sex, I know how unpleasant that would be from my perspective so I woudn't do it to him. Just a couple of times a week, and I step back pretty sharpish when he says no.

Withholding sex and affection can be a tool of control btw - when I read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft there was a section on that, and it helped me understand that part of my relationship as I broke away from it. Not saying that's what's happening in your case, as I don't know you for a start! My marriage had lots of additional problems as well as withholding of sex and affection from my STBXH.

How is the rest of your relationship? Are you friends? Do you like one another? Are you affectionate towards one another?

I think you are just going to have to outright ask him one evening and you need tell him that you are not happy with the lack of sex.

My cat makes me laugh. I don't have a good marriage with him though. My sons make me laugh. My brother does. Some workmates. Most of my friends. A DVD of old comedy shows. I expect a bit more of a husband. Some kind of intimacy that I don't have with any of the above, for a start.

Is he telling you how good your marriage is when you are talking about things you are unhappy about?

If so, it could be interpreted as him discounting your feelings, which takes away your voice and your right to say how you feel.

My STBXH used to tell me that our marriage was good because he didn't drink away the money he'd earned and beat me...

Sorry - probably projecting somewhat here...

He wangles his cock around in the kitchen? wow - im surprised you even want to bother

Cock wangling would be major turn off to me, did he ever grow up past his teenage years.

Well I'd like to be having some sex, and he's the bloke I'm with. Tosser though he can be.

There could well be underlying issues at play.... but you need, and deserve an explanation, and to know what he's going to do, to fix the problem.

Putting any cock-wangling humour aside....could there be any ED issues at play here? I think you mentioned he doesn't get an erection even in the mornings, and the jokey waving his member around and verbal reiteration of how good your marriage is (when it's clear that being rebuffed twice weekly is hardly "good" for you) could be read as denial/refusal to face the problem.