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Original poster

No sex please. Well, actually...

101 replies

PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 10:44

I wouldn't mind some. But it's been years. The kids are often awake, true, but all my advances are usually rebuffed. He talks about sex a lot, in that he gets his cock out in the kitchen and wangles it about as a joke, but when it comes down to it, there's not a sniff of any action and I'm at my wits end in terms of knowing what to do about it.

OP posts:
Ursula8 · 16/11/2013 12:09

OP you say "He's just dismissive and says it doesn't really matter. It matters to me."
I think this is the crux of it. Your feelings don't really matter to him do they?
The constant rejection must be dong your self esteem wonders. Is this what he wants?
Unless he fesses up to a medical condition and signs up for some kind of rectifying therapy I would be out of there.

I know some people stay in sexless marriages and have sex elsewhere but I wouldn't. Up to you OP if that is how you want to play it, but asking yourself what you are doing wrong is a huge red flag to me. You aren't the one causing this problem.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:14

He pulls his cock out in the kitchen?

No, you are definitely not the one with the problem here.

When did this start? You have kids, was he always like this?

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 12:19

We've got kids yes. It's never been fantastic, but I'll take what I can get. He won't consider counselling (about anything). I know I've 'settled' and it wrankles, but like I say, we've got kids and I don't want to mess them up.

OP posts:
FreakinAllAboutSugar · 16/11/2013 12:23

Please tell me he waits till the kids are out before starting the kitchen antics.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 12:30

nope, though he obviously doesn't do it while they're in the room.

OP posts:
purrtrillpadpadpad · 16/11/2013 12:34

Sit him down and ask him outright why you aren't having sex. Ask in a matter of fact, calm way. You need a definitive answer. If his answer truly is that it's not important to him, could you make it clear to him that sex in a marriage is important to you? Would he consider an open marriage so that you are not trapped in a sexless marriage for the rest of time?

I am of the school of thought that thinks every single person is unique in how high a libido they have and when the mood takes them and that no one person has the right to dictate to another just how often they can have sex. This applies where one person demands sex constantly, as well as where one person turns it down constantly.

He does not have the right to guarantee you a sexless existence.

Just to outline my own position on this, I have a medium libido (so three times a week would be just lovely) and my husband has a very low libido (we last had sex August 2012). I am living a sexless existence and it is really, really shit.

purrtrillpadpadpad · 16/11/2013 12:36

Oh, just to clarify further, in my case I haven't left because I have no self esteem and look like a sack of potatoes. I'm assuming this is not the case with you.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:36

I think that's a bit disturbing actually.

So how long has it been since he completely stopped having sex? Did anything happen around that time that might explain it?

Your kids can be equally messed up by a father who treats their mum badly. Or by wandering into the kitchen and seeing dad waving his cock around.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 12:37

I think 2010 was our last time. I lose track. He won't talk about it, just turns it into a joke all the time. I know he wouldn't consider an open marriage - he's a very devout Christian and believes in complete faithfulness.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:38

Sorry my 'disturbing' comment was to the OP

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 12:38

I've lost a lot of weight recently and am still taking care of myself. Had some self esteem issues but recently have begun to think of myself as quite pretty again.

OP posts:
purrtrillpadpadpad · 16/11/2013 12:40

Oh, well, that's nice. So isn't having sex fulfilling a conjugal obligation that forms part of the contract of marriage? I'm positive it is. He's actually pissing God off by not having sex with you.

Sorry. Probably not appropriate. :/. I'm seething on your behalf.

cantreachmytoes · 16/11/2013 12:40

I read on another thread about the Madonna-Whore complex. It might be pertinent if your sex life diminished after children. I read more about it on Wiki.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:40

Ahhh. Has he always been so devout? Did he start going to a new church or anything like that in 2010?

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:42

Are you using contraception that he objects to or anything like that? Is he perhaps terrified of you getting pregnant, given there would be no option but to have it?

NightOfTheCactus · 16/11/2013 12:42

The trouble here is that he holds the key to changing this - it is not what you are doing "wrong" - this is a problem within him.

If he refuses to address the problem and to work constructively to make things better, I would be surprised if things improve on this front for you.

I know in my marriage I tried losing weight, making myself look nicer, doing things that I knew would "please" him. Guess what - it didn't work - and that was because he was the one with the issue around intimacy, not me.

So this cock-waggling in the kitchen thing - what's that all about? Is that a come-on? Is it a "joke?" If you were to say to him when he got his cock out "pfwoor let's get it on now" would he be up for it or would he run a mile? Him doing this is really not on.

bestsonever · 16/11/2013 12:43

Next time he dangles it inappropriately in front of you I'd be tempted to say something like "no point having one if you are not gonna' use it".
Seriously though, it's amazing how people poorly communicate and can let a situation go on eating you up for years. You need to sit down and discuss it properly and make it clear that you are not prepared to continue living like this and if the issues are not addressed then you may need to go elsewhere. That should make him take note of the serious damage he is doing to the relationship. It's ok for him to develop issues but not ok to ignore them and refuse help.

Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 12:44

No, we've always been religious since the beginning. I lost my faith sometime ago, but he's retained his. I've wracked my brains but nothing happened, it's just sort of tailed off, and was never terribly frequent to being with.

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulMcGannsMistress · 16/11/2013 12:46

No, no contraception fears - we used to be of the school that refused to use it, but after several thousand children I put my foot down and insisted he have a vasectomy.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 16/11/2013 12:48

Does he always do the cock waggling thing when the kids are about so that it'd be impossible to take advantage of it, iykwim?

Is he a tease? Or controlling? Or just slightly odd?

differentnameforthis · 16/11/2013 12:52

I put my foot down and insisted he have a vasectomy

Did this happen in 2010, by any chance?

Horsemad · 16/11/2013 12:56

Aha, we may be getting to the crux of the problem. Smile

Lweji · 16/11/2013 12:58

He does owe you an explanation about why no sex.

How important is it to you? Or, more to the point, how important is it that he takes it seriously and understands how important it is to you?

I could live with a partner who couldn't have sex again (e.g. through illness), but I'm not sure if my partner refused to discuss it, even if it was simply to say that he doesn't feel the need to have sex, or had erection problems. I'd expect him to try and address it, through counselling or seeing a doctor.

Although, personally, if my partner regularly got his cock out and wriggled it in the kitchen, I'm not sure I'd want to have sex with him.

dreamingbohemian · 16/11/2013 12:58

Is it possible that in some way he's 'punishing' you for insisting on the vasectomy?

The cock waving does seem a bit aggressive to me.

BerstieSpotts · 16/11/2013 13:00

You say he messes around but when it comes down to it he doesn't even get an erection - this makes me think that maybe he can't and is doing that bloke thing of avoiding/making a joke about the problem in the hope that it will go away.

Could you ask him outright if he can get an erection? I realise that's very direct and could be taken the wrong way but he seems to be brushing off the issue when you're trying to initiate a conversation about why he doesn't want to have sex. Perhaps making it matter-of-fact would help.

Although the vasectomy/religion angle could be worth looking at as well. I think that would be harder to deal with, if he'd somehow found that his feelings about it after the fact were quite conflicted and he's feeling that it's an issue even though, before, he thought he would be OK with it.