No sex please. Well, actually...

[PaulMcGannsMistress]

I wouldn't mind some. But it's been years. The kids are often awake, true, but all my advances are usually rebuffed. He talks about sex a lot, in that he gets his cock out in the kitchen and wangles it about as a joke, but when it comes down to it, there's not a sniff of any action and I'm at my wits end in terms of knowing what to do about it.

Any developments? Talking I mean.

Similar problem here. Once in the last 3 1/2 years and can tell you the date as we conceived. I've certainly had self esteem and over eating issues that have been exacerbated by this. It affects absolutely everything. Even the little things like dressing up with a 'hope to later' or a goodnight cuddle or even a candlelit dinner becomes odd as its obviously not a prelude to anything else.

My dh finally went to the Dr and is having a blood test for testosterone. He's also scared of another pregnancy so he's getting a vascectomy booked.

I've asked him several times if he's actually gay. We do talk about it a bit. I think he's embarrassed and frustrated he's 'not normal' but doesn't get the urges. Doesn't think about it much.

I suspect its partly emotional but it must be habitual by now. We care about each other but its not intimitate. I think he'd consider couple counselling if it turns out not to be testosterone but we don't have childcare at all.

Its been such a difficult and lonely few years. There's been lots of rubbish in our lives and sex at least would have been free, positive and have helped!!

We're so mismatched. I'd love it daily, settle for couple of times a week Joe not even managing yearly

My complete fear is he's genuinely asexual.

Not that I've helped at all. Husband chose which Dr he say though and said he felt reassured they'd try to help.

I was going to let this thread sink as I was quite embarrassed (Me? I know!) but I didn't want to let poor NorthernShores think she'd killed the thread by sharing her story. Plus I've had 'the conversation'.

He is spending a lot of time watching US telly that he gets from a friend at work, staying up really late and is thus knackered all the time. He said he didn't mean to upset me or reject me and didn't realize how much it was affecting me. He just doesn't have that high a sex drive, doesn't need it particularly, but will try and make an effort. Nowt has happened so far because I've been so ill, but I'm a bit more hopeful now.

For the last few YEARS he has been watching US telly?

I think he's stalling you.

No that's just the latest thing. He's been stalling me for years for one reason or another, this was just what he shared about why he's been so un-intimate in the past few months.

My suspicion would be ED issues; needs to talk to you about his issues.

No sex is a big deal in a relationship

I think ED too. Or ED fear plus late night "telly" of a different sort.

And agree he is stalling, and you're just at the start of this.

I don't think you will fix it unless he actually wants to, and is willing to do something about it.

Oh yes, ball's in his court, I can't really do any more than I have done. It's categorically not porn. But it is apathy.

I'm glad you feel a bit optimistic and you managed to get how you feel out there.

Unfortunately I think he's stalling you too.

Of course some people do have low sex drives and it just isn't important to them. However, I think it highly unlikely that they would be getting their genitalia out in the kitchen as a "joke" on a regular basis. (Did you talk to him about this by the way?). If anything, I would have thought that behaviour would suggest a preoccupation with sex rather than total disinterest in it.

My guess would be that there's something else going on - whether ED; or porn use (which can in some cases lead to an inability to engage intimately with a real human being - and I would say that some people addicted to porn feel a lot of self-disgust/ideologically find porn abhorrent but are drawn to it anyway); or some type of emotional issue that he isn't ready to face.

I hope I'm wrong though and that this side of your relationship starts working for you both - otherwise he is going to have to start being more honest with you.

The willy wangling is purely humour, nothing else. Not very funny humour, but adolescent humour none-the-less.

He's been a lot more affectionate in the past few days - snuggling up to me while I'm chopping onions (OK, not the sexiest thing ever, but better than the cock waving). I'm really, really confident it's not porn - he doesn't know his arse from his elbow on the PC, it's my domain. We'll see. FWIW I think you're all right, he's definitely stalling.

Houston, we only have fucking lift off .

Hurrah for you!!

(You do mean the Eagle has landed, right?)

Now keep at it!

I don't know what I mean, all cultural references are skew whiff. I'm just so relieved.

Good for you girl! Hopefully he'll remember how much fun and enjoyable it is and that it's preferable to flippin TV watching

He actually said "We should do that more often" [rolls eyes]

Just joined the thread a tad late. But should this be an issue again OP, from a similar situation I found the book He's just not up for it anymore, Bob Berkowitz (available amazon) very very helpful. And later the Lundy book someone had mentioned earlier. I kept thinking it was me, but no I now realise it was his projected anger, and controll issues. Good luck.

I hope you responded with ~"no shit Sherlock"

Honestly I think the amount of sex a couple have is partly based on habit as the years go by, very easy to get out of the habit of bothering and then it does become so unnatural an akward.

He said he just got into a rut. Which I'm not going to hold against him - I've seen the odd thread on here from a woman saying the same thing when it comes to sex.

I've had a few discussions with a (male) colleague and I was horrified at how little they did the deed. I pointed out to him that their dc aren't little anymore (were junior age) and it sounded like it had become habit for both of them.

Since that conversation things have improved (well so he tells me). Same sort of rut though, no energy when the kids were little and the habit was entrenched so it never occured to him to bother initiating/talking about it.

yup, i think habit is probably the key word.

Good news. :)

How about make an agreement to have at least one day a week for bed? So that you don't fall into the rut again?