SOS my dh wants to abort our child I'm 25 weeks

[Onmyown3]

Please help me, I'm at the end of my tether.
I have 2 children and I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. We have a nice life, not wealthy but comfortable. I do everything in our relationship and everything for our children. I have recently become the breadwinner and hold a high position in a well known company im often all round the uk, yet I do all the school runs, meals, ironing, house work, homework, cleaning, shopping etc.

For The first time in 6 months I've asked my husband to collect our children from after school tomorrow as I am in a long meeting in London all day (I asked him 2 months ago to do this)

He has come home tonight and said he has had to have a hectic day at work today because of having to do me the favour of picking the kids up tomoro (he doesn't have to pick then up until 6.30!)

I asked him why he felt like that and that the children were both of our responsibilty so why should it always be up to me? He said he's had his position in his company longer than I have (this is incorrect he has a zero hour contract for a building firm that he's worked at for 6 months, although he trained to do his trade since he was 18 where as I've been with my company for 6 years but only in this new position 7months)

He said that he's decided I will have to collect the children tomorrow - he isn't doing it, the children aren't his problem!!?!

I got really cross and said how dare he, he helped to create them, he wanted them, we are a family what is wrong with him?! I asked if he was saying that I'm basically alone then and we are havin another child?! Should i just be on my own?

He said "you can get rid of it then, I don't care anymore" and stormed out.

I would NOT ever abort my baby - but this is not the first issue like this we've had. I don't know how to make him realise - he seriously thinks a man works and a woman should work, look after the children and the house - normally I do mange to do this.

I honestly can't give anymore to my family than I do. I dont work from choice but to provide and my hubby loves reaping the rewards of my job - driving my flashy Company car, gifts, outings, the comfortable home etc.

I don't ever even mention about my earnings but since I've got this position its changed his attitude. He doesn't want to work with me - it's like he resents me for it. Whys he like this? I've tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face, he says one thing and says he will change and that he will help but does another.

I don't believe he really wants me to get rid our child, I think it's anger but how can he even think this.

Should i just give up and be on my own?

Every time I have an important meeting or it's a big occasion he seems to do something like this. Last year he didn't turn up to his own sons birthday party.

Please help - the more this goes in the less I feel for him.

Btw - I have no family to rely on, its just me :'( thats all my children have got. X x x x

Is this the example you want your DCs to grow up with? It's no wonder you "don't have anyone" outside your immediate family, when would you have the time for a social life! He's not bringing in much money, helping around the house, or being nice to you or the children. Kick him out and get an au pair.

For the love of God - he knows how to work you doesn't he :(

Don't 'discuss' him moving out, tell him he is moving out.

He contributes fuck all to your life, other than stress.

'yes I am going to have to'.

When the response should just have been "of course I am".

I couldn't be with someone who told me to get an abortion-even if they then said that they didn't mean it.

Actually, I'm less inclined to say it's salvageable after reading your OP again more carefully.

Being this difficult when there's something important in your work reminds me of my ex.

And what was his excuse for missing a child's birthday party?

Regarding pregnancy hormones, unless he's pregnant (and has been for a long time), I don't see how that's relevant here.

I would stipulate that you are going to do couples counselling together otherwise it's not got a chance of working.

His behaviour is generally severely lacking.

Counselling here should very much focus on why he feels the need to hurt the OP, why he doesn't support her work and why he doesn't feel his family is his problem.

And why the OP has felt she had to put up with it.

Indeed Lweji - some very odd dynamics going on there!

I don't even know where to start with this one.

But I would like to know in what ways you think he's a good dad?

I'd be a bit worried about the message he is giving to your children.

I bet they know they are his excuse for by going on holidays.

I am sure they notice how the male figure treats the lady. Let's hope they don't learn to role model themselves on him!

And if he's capable of saying abort the child before the baby is born, there's a reasonable chance he might be happy to repeat it once the baby is here - in front of your children. Not good.

I agree that it sounds like you're running a one man band already. When you have a long history with someone it's easy to hold on to the past so tightly that you miss how much it's changed beyond recognition. Possibly forever? Only you can weigh up whether you want to chance it or not.

It's one thing putting up with something yourself but another when it affects children who don't have a choice.

Maybe separate again only this time don't take him back with empty promises. Make him go on holidays with you first and regularly have family outings, pick up kids from school etc. in other words prove it. Actions speak louder than words.

I'm sorry your relationship has gone this way. For what it's worth I am also with someone who avoids holidays as he finds it too much pressure with kids (I'd go anyway!) but he doesn't say the awful things your fella said to you and he does at least help with the child care - does bath times and takes DS to the park etc. You really are not in an easy place at all and they say we can grieve the loss of a relationship we once had. So you must be going through it emotionally as well as practically I'm sure. Be careful to really look after yourself

Back to the original "should i be on my own" thing - Yes you should!
It sounds as though you will cope perfectly fine without this ignoranus in your life - you already do!

Everything else he throws at you is bad enough but telling you to "get rid off it" should have been his ticket to a tent out on the street! What a nasty, selfish, coldhearted, bastard of a man.

Get his stuff packed into black sacks, chucked out the window, change the locks and be done with this thing you call a man!

Essentially, your family is already functional, without him. He may contribute financially, but he'd still have to pay child support if he lived elsewhere and I'm sure he brings enough expenses to the household.

An au pair would be more useful and probably work out cheaper.

At this time he should be bending himself backwards to prove he is a useful and welcome addition to your family.
Not only in terms of work but emotionally too.
If his answer is to hurt you and complain about doing essential, rare, bits, then you really have to ask yourself why you are with him.

This should be where you draw the line, tell him what you expect of him and tell him that any less and the door will be open.

He does nothing round the house. He doesn't want to go to his own kids' birthdays and his children 'ruin' days out for him

Cooking sometimes does not make him a good dad. Nor is he a good husband.

OP, for the love of God tell him to fuck off. You will be happier without him and your children will lose a terrible anti-role model.

My 'abuse radar' is buzzing.

It's the not turning up for his child's birthday party and throwing a wobbly every time you have an important event. (As well as zero respect for you and DC obv)

Abusers will often let you down when they know you need them most. They want control. When you are vulnerable it is easiest for them to gain control over you.

Is this ringing any bells OP?

Do you want your son to grow up thinking is is normal, acceptable behaviour?

If not, make it change. Your DH needs to shape up or move out.

I was terrified of being on my own, of becoming a single parent.

I finally got rid of my ex.

The only difference I noticed after he had left was that I had to put the bins out. Everything else I was already doing.

And I could relax more without a miserable angry presence around me

Lewji posted this on another thread

How Abusive Men Parent

Take a look OP and see if it applies.

You have to be on a very low wage to qualify for WTC - it's not a saviour for lone parents, annoys me how some people think it is, I don't qualify but am finding it very hard to get by these days.
Anyway, seems like you have done too much from the start and set a precedent by letting him off the hook with the household. It is brave of you to have another child knowing that you will have to do everything for it at a time while you have just been promoted and perhaps have more work demands as a result. Who decided it was a good idea to have a child - was it him I wonder as he has the easy deal and now the perfect excuse to keep you at home more?
A serious calm talk of expectations for the future is needed or you will likely have a breakdown from exhaustion with it all.
Make time for each other, on your own. Try to strike a healthy balance as life should not just be about work and family. Time on your own and time together is also required somewhere.

My advice is that you need to get rid of a child, but it's not the unborn one. He comes across as a monumental twat.

Oh OP.
I recently saw the light, and put an end to my ds's dad's parasitic and emotionally abusive behavior.(whom I do not live with, but was allowing into my home).
I had made it really easy for him to treat me like shit. In my mind, I was doing it for ds. Making it easy for ds to see his dad. In reality I was disrespected in front of my son, by a "man" who is about as useful as a chocolate teapot, contributes nothing of value, other than the occasional play session with ds, and the odd cheap gift.
I thought "he is a good dad" but, actually, having really thought about it, no. He is a twat to me, and ds sees this, so actually, he is being a very bad dad.
I told a male friend about the situation, and he said "the world is full of dad's, but too few fathers".
It's not good enough to be just sort of around and not actively beating anyone.
YOU make the effort, don't you? You are already sailing this ship alone, and well by the sounds of it.
Your husband is trying to make nice because he has known you a long time, and he can tell you are about to come to the end of your tether.
Don't accept crumbs of begrudging apologies and resentful "help".
Fuck that. Get rid.
It will be hard, and lonely, and weird. And then it won't be. And you will meet someone who really deserves you. And you will wonder why the Hell you stood it for so long.
Good luck.

This thread must be so hard for you.

I can sort of hear the silent scream in your mind that "I want him to love me and respect me and it is not that bad really!"

Yy to "silent scream".
Like every other abused woman .

I hope you are ok, Onmyown x

best I'm not on a low wage and I get WTC towards my childcare. I qualify as a working LP.

I don't earn a fortune but certainly above the average wage.

When I add WTC to the maintenance X pays ( he earns less than me) I'm not that much worse off financially - might even be about the same.

he knows you could leave work if you wanted too ??

So, he either is annoyed you are controlling him as he wants to be doing the controlling

or he sees all child related stuff as your job.

He isn't too traditional to spend your earned money or drive your earned car though is he?

He is a twat.
He is a bully.
He is a shit father.
He is a diabolical husband.
He is a vile person.
He is pathetic.

Bloody hell, stop making his fucking coffee and his packed lunch. Stop washing his pants and all the rest of it.

Op, this is all wrong.
You know this, that's why you posted.
Your h is a twat & playing mind games.
You know this, that's why you posted.
We are a nest of vipers who will say out loud what you already know.
You are amazing to be managing as well as you are, and when your ready we will be here for you.