SOS my dh wants to abort our child I'm 25 weeks

[Onmyown3]

Please help me, I'm at the end of my tether. 
I have 2 children and I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. We have a nice life, not wealthy but comfortable. I do everything in our relationship and everything for our children. I have recently become the breadwinner and hold a high position in a well known company im often all round the uk, yet I do all the school runs, meals, ironing, house work, homework, cleaning, shopping etc.

For The first time in 6 months I've asked my husband to collect our children from after school tomorrow as I am in a long meeting in London all day (I asked him 2 months ago to do this)

 He has come home tonight and said he has had to have a hectic day at work today because of having to do me the favour of picking the kids up tomoro (he doesn't have to pick then up until 6.30!)

 I asked him why he felt like that and that the children were both of our responsibilty so why should it always be up to me? He said he's had his position in his company longer than I have (this is incorrect he has a zero hour contract for a building firm that he's worked at for 6 months, although he trained to do his trade since he was 18 where as I've been with my company for 6 years but only in this new position 7months) 

He said that he's decided I will have to collect the children tomorrow - he isn't doing it, the children aren't his problem!!?!

I got really cross and said how dare he, he helped to create them, he wanted them, we are a family what is wrong with him?! I asked if he was saying that I'm basically alone then and we are havin another child?! Should i just be on my own? 

He said "you can get rid of it then, I don't care anymore" and stormed out. 

I would NOT ever abort my baby - but this is not the first issue like this we've had. I don't know how to make him realise - he seriously thinks a man works and a woman should work, look after the children and the house - normally I do mange to do this.

I honestly can't give anymore to my family than I do. I dont work from choice but to provide and my hubby loves reaping the rewards of my job - driving my flashy Company car, gifts, outings, the comfortable home etc. 

I don't ever even mention about my earnings but since I've got this position its changed his attitude. He doesn't want to work with me - it's like he resents me for it. Whys he like this? I've tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face, he says one thing and says he will change and that he will help but does another. 

I don't believe he really wants me to get rid our child, I think it's anger but how can he even think this. 

Should i just give up and be on my own? 

Every time I have an important meeting or it's a big occasion he seems to do something like this. Last year he didn't turn up to his own sons birthday party. 

Please help - the more this goes in the less I feel for him.  

Btw - I have no family to rely on, its just me :'( thats all my children have got. X x x x 

[Onmyown3]

Hi guys

Thanks for all the posts - I've read them all

I went to my meeting as planned yesterday - before I left, my dh apologised & said he was just angry and most definitely did not want an abortion. I didn't really say much i was still cross - I just asked if he was picking the children up and his response was 'yes I am going to have to'.

I got home and the children were in bed and dinner was made!

Not a lot was said just small talk about our days & the children & that he was sorry, he didn't mean it, he said of the course the children are his responsibility too he just said it to upset me in the heat of the moment. He also said that it makes him annoyed because he knows i could leave my meeting early and b home in time if I wanted to. (I think this was miscommunication as I couldn't be home in time even if I wanted to and I told him this, he said he didn't realise)

We spoke about him moving out again and his response was that we are a family and love each other and we work at things, not throw each other out.

I'm not so naive to think that the issues have been addressed, I think that it will probably be ok for a few days but it will soon slip back to normal and that's were it will probably always be dependent on what path I chose. I just want to do right by my dc. You've all given me lots to think about and consider thank you very much, I will keep you posted once I've had some time to think. X x

[CailinDana]

Hang on. He said he was sorry and then he said it makes him annoyed that he had to collect his own children? And that's his excuse for saying you should kill you child? Is that right?

[Lweji]

In anger or not, people often say here that when a man tells you who he is, listen to him.
Read back your posts.

[amistillsexy]

Make a list of jobs.

Include everything that needs doing in the home, including all cleaning, cooking, shopping for clothes, shoes and food, school runs, childcare, washing....everything.

Then take two pieces of paper, one for each of you. Write at the top the amount of time you each spend at work, essential 'maintenance' (shower, hair wash, etc) and sleep.

Work out how much time each day each of you has, and then share out the work equally, according to how much time each of you has available.

Tell 'D'H he has until the baby is born to prove his commitment to you and your family by completing his list of jobs. Keep track of the number of jobs completed by each of you (bearing in mind that it's natural to let a few things slip, not manage to finish all the ironing, etc...you should each have a similar number of 'undone' items).

If he has not managed to keep up with his jobs by the time your baby arrives, you know you will be carrying him along with 3 children unless you dump him.

Then dump him.

[MostWicked]

What an absolutely pitiful excuse for a father, husband, man and human being.

He would have to pull his finger out BIG time to convince me that he wasn't a total loser.

[Mandown]

Think about what his behaviour is teaching your children....

Sadly it sounds like you'd all be better off without him. I really feel for you x

[BeCoolFucker]

I'm trying to figure out in what way he is a good Dad? He admits he doesn't want to spend time with his DC or family at all & he doesn't want to holiday with you all. Making Sunday dinner does not equal a good Dad. It makes someone that prepares one meal out of 14 to 21 for himself and his family. The DC will still love him if he lives elsewhere.

I don't know how you aren't completely run ragged OP. My XP does more with our DC every single week than your H is doing and he lives over a hours commute away across London from us. If I can't collect the DC he is there. If one of them needs to go to the doctor he will take them. He does it because he loves them and although he was a crap partner he actually tries very hard to be a good and involved Dad.

I don't know how you can do all you do, in the face of his 50's chauvinism and still want to sleep with him. I imagine he uses a lot of his anger towards you and the family to justify his complete wanker of a position within your household - i.e. that of the family leech. He take a hell of a lot from you and gives you this shit in return.

As others have suggested, if you determine to make a go of it (and personally I think you'd find your entire world a lot more pleasant and fulfilling without him), things need to be divided up equally between you - that includes all family and household duties and chores. He will crumble like a cheap biscuit in the face of that though I bet you.

[sharesinNivea]

I am looking at this from another viewpoint.

If you work this many hours and are travelling all around the country, your hours must be very long, and you must spend barely any quality time with your husband at all.

I realise cleaning, ironing, homework, shopping and dinners as you say need to be done. But from what I have witnessed in life, some women devote obsessively more time to 'keeping house' than keeping their husband.

Perhaps he's dragging his heels over days out with the kids because he misses time alone with you - his partner in life - who is obsessively keeping house and keeping a roof over everyone's head yet forgetting she also married into a Family Life that includes quality time spent with her husband.
Some women seem to think that keeping an immaculate house or even one that's just ticking over is more important than spending time with their husband.

Employ a home help to do all the housework and meals and school runs, it will free up several spare hours for you to enjoy your pregnancy with your partner. You know he didnt really mean what he said if it was said in anger. Besides which, you are past the cut off for abortion. Your baby is half the size of husband's hand at 24 weeks.

Don't rush into the Mumsnet favourite LTB mode because life won't be easier as a single parent, it will be much harder on your time, finances and stress levels.

[BeCoolFucker]

"free up several spare hours for you to enjoy your pregnancy with your partner" at least until then next time he gets angry because you ask him to help out once in a blue moon and he shouts at you to get an abortion

"life won't be easier as a single parent, it will be much harder on your time, finances and stress levels." Just to look at this cliche from another viewpoint, life without an angry person who doesn't contribute to family life/household can actually get A LOT easier and less stressful for both you and your DC, and with WTC and a good job you will probably find your income doesn't diminish much at all - mine didn't. Plus I have less costs as I'm not subsidising XP's life.

The fear that life as a LP will be a lot harder keeps many women in disastrous relationships - but you will find many testimonies on MN of LP who find, like I have, that much to their surprise life isn't at all harder, and is in fact more enjoyable for everyone. Not to mention more relaxed. No one sits back and thinks of how much they miss walking on eggshells in their own home - no one.

[QuintessentialShadows]

"We spoke about him moving out again and his response was that we are a family and love each other and we work at things, not throw each other out."

A bit rich coming from a man who seemingly want to live life as if he did not have children.

[ThereGoes]

He's a shit dad: your children will notice that he can't be arsed to do anything for or with them; they'll see that he treats their mother terribly; he sounds generally unpleasant - can he really be kind and loving to the children?

He's a shit partner but I think you know that already. I'm so sorry that he thinks he can get away with a partial apology and a lie to try to pin the blame on you. If that's the best he can do when he behaves as atrociously as saying you should abort your child, there's no hope for him in resolving any conflicts.

You sound lovely, bright and capable and a bloody hard worker. I can't see how he makes your life better.

[ShinyBauble]

Jesus Christ OP. You are the breadwinner and the primary caregiver to your children, and the housekeeper and growing another baby - I'm amazed you can muster up any respect for your husband. He sounds like a useless manchild. There are occasions where I read about a couple's marriage dynamic and wonder why she shoulders the burden of taking care of him on top of everything else.

It might be worth working out what he really brings to the relationship, a pro's and con's list. To me, it sounds like his balance is in the red.

The maddening thing about men like this is that some of them have a tendency to finally pull themselves together and step up as parents - after the family unit imploded due to their selfishness.

[madwomanintheatt1c]

Actually, I'm wondering if this has been over-egged ( because of tiredness, upset, etc).

A man who has never lifted a finger managed successfully to collect the kids, feed them, bath them, get them in bed, and have dinner ready for his wife on her return? And apologise because he got the wrong end of the stick?

He's entirely capable. He just needs reminding that these things a re his job too - so don't turn yourself inside out trying to get home and do everything - time to even up the responsibility and move forward as a family.

And time to remember that pregnancy hormones can blow everything out of context.

[hollowhallows]

WTAF?!

You would be better off without him.

[hollowhallows]

Having read the last few posts, i should have read the whole thread before commenting.

[Lweji]

There were several problems with your update.

For one, I would really be worried about his claim that he told you to get rid to hurt you in the heat of the moment. It's not healthy when partners say things to hurt eachother, even in arguments. He was not trying to reason or even plead with you. He was trying to hurt you. He succeeded. Did he apologise, or just explained it? - listen to what he's saying

After apologising in the morning he was actually still quite angry that he would have to collect the children. - listen to him.

He claims you are a family so that he's not kicked out. He's playing the making you feel guilt card, not saying that he understands why you want to separate and he's going to step up. - listen to him

He did all that for the children on this occasion. He showed you he can do it, which means that he usually doesn't because he doesn't want to. - listen to him.

I think this is salvageable if you don't get fooled by the carrot of him half heartedly apologising, steping up for one day and guilt tripping you.
I think you need to keep the possibility of you leaving and not tolerate any more of his saying things to hurt you or guilt trip you. Point them out to him and challenge him immediately. Make sure he understands that if he keeps doing it he is pushing himself out. And agree on a schedule of task division. It should be flexible, but it shouldn't allow him to wriggle out of his fair share.

Indeed don't neglect couple time or family time. But he should make the effort too.

We don't know if you obsess about housework. If you do, then yes, do relax a bit, get help, or relinquish control to him. I didn't get the impression that was a problem, though.

[minibmw2010]

He's worried that this time you mean it and he's pushed you too far, he's backtracking but still can't help himself by making a dog about how 'I guess I'll have to' pick up the kids, even saying you should bace left your meeting early. He knows he's on thin ice. As for saying we're a family that loves each other ... If that were the case he would have never mentioned the word abortion in any context at any time, but he did ...

[MrsTaraPlumbing]

My god you are super woman! I wish I lived with you!
We all have good reason to moan about our husbands from time to time but what you described is off the chart.
He is not an asset to you so I agree with everyone else.

But I can imagine you would also find it daunting being a single mum with 2 children and new baby.
Giving up one room in your house to have a au pair may be a big help and he is not helping at all he just takes up space.
Good luck xxxxx

[Tiredemma]

A man who has never lifted a finger managed successfully to collect the kids, feed them, bath them, get them in bed, and have dinner ready for his wife on her return? And apologise because he got the wrong end of the stick?

So he has completely changed his tune? and He doesnt want you to 'die' anymore?

Peter Andre must be shitting himself this morning- that 'dad of the year' badge is well and truly up for anyone now.

[PacificDogwood]

Well, so he's Talked the Talk (maybe - I agree it is not quite clear from your update whether he 'explained' his behaviour or properly apologised), now he MUST Walk the Walk.

I am hoping for the best for you, OP, but tbh fearing the worst.

Perhaps he's dragging his heels over days out with the kids because he misses time alone with you - his partner in life
Perhaps he is. So maybe HE should do his damndest to shoulder his share in bringing up HIS children, keeping HIS house and looking after HIS pregnant wife.
Nivea, I don't think that I have ever posted 'LTB' other than on pisstaking threads in jest, and I would never presume to tell anybody how to run their lives based on a few posts on a forum. But the attitude in your post keeps many a woman in abusive relationships: "If only I try harder, he won't get so angry". Terrible, pernicious victim blaming.
At 24 weeks the baby will be about twice the size of his hand btw.

[notquiteruralbliss]

Your OH sounds a bit immature and as if he feels threatened by your success, which is daft. In your position, I'd make sure that I had a lot of help that wasn't your husband. It might mean having less to spend on luxuries that he likes, but that's tough. And his choice. I'd also make it clear that you would decrease the help as / when he stepped up & got more involved, but not before.

I've earned way more than my husband for years. We both do jobs we love, but his is very flexible & mine involves me being away (on average) 12 to 15h per day. Me doing my job means he can afford to do his & him having the flexibility to do school runs, be with kids during holidays etc means I can do mine without worrying about anything else during the week. We spend a lot on help in the house, because we're both domestically challenged but it means that everyone is happy.

[TiredDog]

I used to be you OP. Almost to the last detail.

I divorced him eventually. Took me years to accept nothing was ever going to change.

This week I have cooked one meal (last night). Every other night I have come home to a clean house, some DIY done, dinner in the oven and DD collected from school and dog walked... (I work more hours than him!)

This is what I call a Partner.

Even single, I was far better off financially and time wise.

[IfIDontKnowAndYouDontKnow]

Please ignore any suggestions that it is hormones. Telling you he wants rid of your baby is disgusting.

He does not sound like a good dad. In fact sounds like he finds the kids a nuisance.

I think you know deep down what you need to do for your own happiness. And DC's too.

Hope you are ok OP.

[edamsavestheday]

I'm sorry, but telling you to get an abortion is not the sort of thing an otherwise decent man says in the heat of an argument.

[bouncysmiley]

It sounds like his job isn't going very well and he is threatened by yours. There may well be something else going on but his behaviour is not acceptable. If you haven't already you need to sit him down and tell him that. It is always possible to renegotiate relationship boundaries.If he won't negotiate then it may be time for relationship counselling as a last resort.