SOS my dh wants to abort our child I'm 25 weeks

[Onmyown3]

Please help me, I'm at the end of my tether. 
I have 2 children and I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. We have a nice life, not wealthy but comfortable. I do everything in our relationship and everything for our children. I have recently become the breadwinner and hold a high position in a well known company im often all round the uk, yet I do all the school runs, meals, ironing, house work, homework, cleaning, shopping etc.

For The first time in 6 months I've asked my husband to collect our children from after school tomorrow as I am in a long meeting in London all day (I asked him 2 months ago to do this)

 He has come home tonight and said he has had to have a hectic day at work today because of having to do me the favour of picking the kids up tomoro (he doesn't have to pick then up until 6.30!)

 I asked him why he felt like that and that the children were both of our responsibilty so why should it always be up to me? He said he's had his position in his company longer than I have (this is incorrect he has a zero hour contract for a building firm that he's worked at for 6 months, although he trained to do his trade since he was 18 where as I've been with my company for 6 years but only in this new position 7months) 

He said that he's decided I will have to collect the children tomorrow - he isn't doing it, the children aren't his problem!!?!

I got really cross and said how dare he, he helped to create them, he wanted them, we are a family what is wrong with him?! I asked if he was saying that I'm basically alone then and we are havin another child?! Should i just be on my own? 

He said "you can get rid of it then, I don't care anymore" and stormed out. 

I would NOT ever abort my baby - but this is not the first issue like this we've had. I don't know how to make him realise - he seriously thinks a man works and a woman should work, look after the children and the house - normally I do mange to do this.

I honestly can't give anymore to my family than I do. I dont work from choice but to provide and my hubby loves reaping the rewards of my job - driving my flashy Company car, gifts, outings, the comfortable home etc. 

I don't ever even mention about my earnings but since I've got this position its changed his attitude. He doesn't want to work with me - it's like he resents me for it. Whys he like this? I've tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face, he says one thing and says he will change and that he will help but does another. 

I don't believe he really wants me to get rid our child, I think it's anger but how can he even think this. 

Should i just give up and be on my own? 

Every time I have an important meeting or it's a big occasion he seems to do something like this. Last year he didn't turn up to his own sons birthday party. 

Please help - the more this goes in the less I feel for him.  

Btw - I have no family to rely on, its just me :'( thats all my children have got. X x x x 

[volvocowgirl]

Also you say... Btw - I have no family to rely on, its just me :'( thats all my children have got.!

You're right - that's all your children have got. And they'd have a lot more of you if you weren't running around after this dickhead who can't be bothered with his own kids.

You sound a wonderful mother. You're already doing it on your own. This div must be sapping your strength and you'd be better off without.

[Mattissy]

He's jealous of you being more successful than him, it's his own inadequacy that's bugging him. I never usually simply say "kick him to the curb" but sorely tempted in this instance.

[summerbreezer]

He doesn't sound like a good dad, OP. He sounds like the kind of man who makes his own children feel indebted to him. Like they owe him something. His love is conditional on them behaving and keeping out of his way.

Please do not underestimate the damage this could do to them as they get older.

[AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers]

How is he a good dad? He sounds so appalling that he must be seriously damaging your poor DC. And that's before we even start on how he treats you! You keep going on about how he was in the past - but that is not jow, you don't have a time machine. And stop doing doormatty things like making his mornings all lovely and so on - you will not get a man like this to treat you better by trying to make him happy. If he had any intention of treating you with respect, or as an equal, he aould be doing it off his own back because he wants to.

[CookieMonster1971]

Why have you chosen to bring another child into this relationship? Why?

[Cluffyflump]

How is that helpful CookieMonster1971? Ffs.

[Anniegetyourgun]

You were childhood sweethearts, ok. But only one of you grew up.

[Charlesroi]

If you won't kick him out at least stop doing anything for him. No cooking, washing, ironing or cleaning up his crap.

And book a holiday for yourself and the children.

[madwomanintheatt1c]

Yep. Time to work to rule.

If he won't lift a finger to support you, you don't do anything for him.
No laundry, ironing, cooking, cleaning.
Sort yours and the children's stuff out.

Clearly you aren't a team, and he is not responsible for any of your shit, so time he became responsible for his own.

I may actually be tempted to additionally instigate a weekend away on your own. Leave him with the kids, obviously. Go visit a friend elsewhere. Time he worked out what being a parent actually means.

(Fwiw, I used to do this - right from when dd1 was a baby. Dh was an adult, and a parent. Time for him to bond. At least once a month I worked a two hour flight away). He managed three children (including a high needs baby with a birth injury and cerebral palsy).

Give him a chance to man up (and by man up I mean prove his adult worth, not exhibit socialised allergies to nappies and offspring) and if he doesn't take it, ship him out.

You are worth more than this. And any adult man that tells his 25 week pg wife to get rid of the baby would be getting a piece of my mind.

[extracrunchy]

Get rid of him. It sounds as though he contributes very little to your family (bar the negative attitude) and couldn't care less about you.

You're basically already doing it on your own, and it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job. He's just extra stress and baggage.

[SlangKing]

"I would NOT ever abort my baby" was all I needed to read to realise this wasn't an abortion thread.

Sometimes when I see a lot of "Leave the twat!" replies I think there's an element of jumping the gun. NOT this time. Completely concur with that advice so the rest of mine will attempt to give you related stuff to ponder.


I posted this aspect in a thread only the other day. You're being emotionally abused, underappreciated, undervalued and more besides. Worse, it's been going on for years and your DC are witnessing it. Potentially or ACTUALLY, you're 'training' tomorrows misogynists (boys) and victims (girls) cuz they'll adopt the traits of their parents - dad abusing mum and mum putting up with it. That relationship is damaging you AND your children.


On the plus side, your earning power gives you an advantage SAHMs don't have. You can leave any time and put a roof over your heads. Or, depending on your circ's, you can sustain a mortgage and afford legal help if you can kick the twat out.


Any decent bloke would be giving you much more help. If they couldn't for whatever reason, they'd certainly be more appreciative of the hard work you do and delighted for you in your professional progress.


It's an easy guess that you've never been on your own so the prospect must be somewhat scary. Well, you're not averse to hard work, you can't 'get ahead' AT work so I doubt you'll be phased by your new environment. If you do seperate I've little doubt that, after a few weeks adjustment, you'll feel like weights have been lifted and shackles undone.

So, yeah, go solo,,, for yourself and particularly for your children. Your current situation is damaging you all.

[SlangKing]

FFS! CAN 'get ahead' at work.

[extracrunchy]

Brilliant post, Slang!

[Thumbwitch]

The problem you have, OP, is that you are married to an insecure, immature twat who is jealous of your success and jealous of the amount of time and energy the children require.

He is NOT a good dad. Anyone who even suggests that you could "get rid of" your 3rd baby, especially when you're so far along (although any time would be bad) is NOT a good dad. Anyone who doesn't want to go on trips out or holidays with the children "because they ruin it" is NOT a good dad.

He doesn't want to be a Dad. Normally I would join in with the general chorus of "you'll be better off on your own" - but you need to think very carefully about that. Obviously he's not good for your children, but if you split up and he wants access, then your children will be seeing him on his own - and you've already said he does nothing in terms of looking after them.

How much trouble does he cause you at home in terms of extra work, emotional pain, sadness/disturbance for the children? If an appreciable amount, and you would be less burdened if he wasn't around, then I think you should probably boot him out.

But if it will make your life harder to boot him out, then I'd go for working on separating from him emotionally and doing as little for him as possible (since he does so little for you) but trying to co-exist in relative civility.

I couldn't love him after what he's said and done, and it sounds like you're losing love for him too - in the end, you're not going to be able to stand having him under the same roof as you without wanting to scream - but while your children are very little, it might be slightly easier to have him around than not. But only if he's not adversely affecting the children's wellbeing.

[arfishy]

You sound incredibly strong, while your husband sounds incredibly immature and selfish. He is clearly resentful of your success and trying to punish you, while all you are doing is keeping the household running and providing a loving home for your children.

The problem is him. It sounds like his mother waits on him hand and foot and that he expects you to, despite his responsibility as a father.

It's not easy running a household with three children, one a newborn on your own - you sound incredibly strong and I have no doubt that you would be able to do it. If there isn't another person there who you hope to rely on and who lets you down then you know what to do and you do it. You can plan and arrange your life on that basis.

If he left do you think he would still contribute financially? Would you be able to get an au pair to stay with you and help out? An aupair would help you enormously - just another willing adult I should imagine would ease the pressure on you.

You really deserve better than this and he is clearly emotionally checked out of your family. What father refuses to go on holiday or out with his children " because they ruin it"? How appalling, truly.

He's promised to change before but doesn't, he clearly thinks he needs to do nothing, that anything to do with the house and children is women's work. Fairly disgusting then that he doesn't hold up his side of the family and provide for you all while you stay at home with them then isn't it? It's all about him.

I doubt counselling will change him but you could give it a try if you want him to stay and check back into the marriage. I suspect after all of this time he won't change - will always be a "man's man" as I suspect he thinks he is.

If I were you (and sadly I am in a rather similar situation, just overseas so tricky) I would be working out how I would manage on my own - au pairs, finances etc.

Good luck , you sound very strong and a great mum.

[Isetan]

You can't "Make him see" or change his behaviour, that's his responsibility.
However, you can articulate you dissatisfaction with his poor behaviour, take steps to minimise your exposure to it and stop promoting this unequal and disrespectful relationship model to your children.

My aha moment with my Ex came when he suggested I use a straw when I said it was difficult to chew because my jaw still hurt (from when he knocked me to the ground earlier in the day). How could someone joke about the physical pain they had inflicted on another. This straw breaking comment was something I could not overlook or rationalise, this was who he was and It was unpleasant. The hand wringing and the "Why does he do this and why can't he see" stopped and the "Why are you letting him do this" begun.

I was a SAHM who did everything and although he loved DD he never prioritised time with her and did almost no parenting. As bad as his behaviour was, the realisation that I had enabled it was way worse and made me angry as enabling was a shared responsibility.

Him looking after his own kids is not him doing you a favour, it's him being a parent and if your don't have that basic expectation of your H and father of your children then you are enabling the continuation of his piss poor behaviour.

You are the convenient fall guy for your H to act out his insecurities and self loathing. He relies and resents your capableness and rather than step up, he sabotages you to try to bring you down to his level of inadequacy. His poor behaviour is his responsibility alone, exposing you and kids to it, is a responsibility you share.

[saintmerryweather]

how can you say hes a good dad when he says his children ruin days out, and he cant even shift his arse to go out for a repeat walk with them to fly a kite? an adequate dad would want to do these things, never mind a good one.

i really feel for you op but it sounds like he has no respect for you or the children

[tribpot]

^he is mostly i think a good dad..

He does no house work, childcare or cleaning ... He plays with the children around the house but doesn't care to do family outings or even family holidays anymore as he says the children 'ruin it'...

Dh Occasionally changes a nappy but avoids it wherever possible. He never did any night feeds. I came home 7 hours after giving birth last time and did everything...^

This is the definition of 'not a good dad'.

I also wouldn't get a nanny - but purely because it lets him out of all of his parental responsibilities whilst continuing to live in the family home. What I would do is kick his sorry arse out and then get a nanny. You would be far better off without having to work around him and he's adding nothing to your life, just taking the piss. As he was so comfortable at his mum's (not so comfortable he didn't ask to come back after 2 weeks, I note) let him go.

With three children and a full time job you are going to need reliable, competent support in the home to keep all the plates spinning. He cannot provide this and will undermine you at every turn.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He was my childhood sweetheart"

You also met when you were 15 and had no life experience behind you.
Perhaps you were in a bad place yourself at this time and was simply swept off you feet.

You've also grown up; he has clearly not and resents all that you have managed to acquire for yourself in terms of power now. Women also write "the good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. That is what you have done here also.

He is patently not a good dad or husband to you and your children respectively if he is treating you like this.

If you ditch the 12 or so stone of deadweight you'll all feel a lot bloody happier.

The words written by summerbreezer are ones you should also bear in mind as well. I thought of my friend's ex and she when I read this because he had his nose well put out of joint by my friend's success at work and increased earnings. He in the meantime lazed about and moaned. The comment re the children here is spot on as well, my friend's ex has also tried to use the child as a weapon against the mother:-

"He doesn't sound like a good dad, OP. He sounds like the kind of man who makes his own children feel indebted to him. Like they owe him something. His love is conditional on them behaving and keeping out of his way.

Please do not underestimate the damage this could do to them as they get older".

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Good p[ost, SK

You can't make him change, love/ He simply doesn't want to.

You are being used, abused and disrespected. What the children are witnessing is damaging them (and please don't try and convince yourself they don't "see" it...they see it every day in watching the dynamic between you). That dynamic is one of superiority (him) and passivity (you)

End this relationship. He is not a good dad and not even a good man. You are fooling yourself with that empty platitude, which I often see as the last straw a woman will cling to when they can see no other reason to stay. I don't say this because of his frankly ridiculous comment about aborting your child, but in the small ways he disrespects you every single day.

[Morgause]

You sound like a lovely person and he sounds like an arse.

You and your children deserve much better.

[SmugAndSanctimoniousArsehole]

Just for context, and not at all to be smug (despite the silly name) :

DH and I both work ft, he changed his hours at work so that he leaves early and comes home in time for school pick up. I do the drop off and morning routine, he does pick ups, homework, tea time, and bath time and I swan in late in time to say goodnight.

He earns more than twice what I do.

I'm off gallivanting (fun not work) this weekend and he will do everything. He had a jolly a couple of months ago.

This isn't a brag, this is what happens in normal partnerships where both parties want the best for all the family.

I had an ex husband who refused to play an equal role. Notice the ex part. He hasn't bothered with my older two (his) since I left him. They are happy, well adjusted and loving, they haven't been damaged by my leaving because life improved immeasurably without him in it. They would have been damaged by being raised by him.

You are an amazing, strong, sorted woman, and you don't need this waste of space. Don't let your lovely DC grow up feeling resented by their father.

[custardo]

i too have been with my dh since i was 15 - and so i know how hard it is to leave.

if you have the strength, i hope you make your own life. xxx much love

[FunkyBoldRibena]

If he doesn't come home with your child/ren then he needs to not come home at all...IMHO

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

So basically, this man resents your success and hates family life.

Thats not a good dad, nor a good husband, hes just someone who happens to hang around.

Almost like a cocklodger with a bit more of open wallet.