SOS my dh wants to abort our child I'm 25 weeks

[Onmyown3]

Please help me, I'm at the end of my tether. 
I have 2 children and I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. We have a nice life, not wealthy but comfortable. I do everything in our relationship and everything for our children. I have recently become the breadwinner and hold a high position in a well known company im often all round the uk, yet I do all the school runs, meals, ironing, house work, homework, cleaning, shopping etc.

For The first time in 6 months I've asked my husband to collect our children from after school tomorrow as I am in a long meeting in London all day (I asked him 2 months ago to do this)

 He has come home tonight and said he has had to have a hectic day at work today because of having to do me the favour of picking the kids up tomoro (he doesn't have to pick then up until 6.30!)

 I asked him why he felt like that and that the children were both of our responsibilty so why should it always be up to me? He said he's had his position in his company longer than I have (this is incorrect he has a zero hour contract for a building firm that he's worked at for 6 months, although he trained to do his trade since he was 18 where as I've been with my company for 6 years but only in this new position 7months) 

He said that he's decided I will have to collect the children tomorrow - he isn't doing it, the children aren't his problem!!?!

I got really cross and said how dare he, he helped to create them, he wanted them, we are a family what is wrong with him?! I asked if he was saying that I'm basically alone then and we are havin another child?! Should i just be on my own? 

He said "you can get rid of it then, I don't care anymore" and stormed out. 

I would NOT ever abort my baby - but this is not the first issue like this we've had. I don't know how to make him realise - he seriously thinks a man works and a woman should work, look after the children and the house - normally I do mange to do this.

I honestly can't give anymore to my family than I do. I dont work from choice but to provide and my hubby loves reaping the rewards of my job - driving my flashy Company car, gifts, outings, the comfortable home etc. 

I don't ever even mention about my earnings but since I've got this position its changed his attitude. He doesn't want to work with me - it's like he resents me for it. Whys he like this? I've tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face, he says one thing and says he will change and that he will help but does another. 

I don't believe he really wants me to get rid our child, I think it's anger but how can he even think this. 

Should i just give up and be on my own? 

Every time I have an important meeting or it's a big occasion he seems to do something like this. Last year he didn't turn up to his own sons birthday party. 

Please help - the more this goes in the less I feel for him.  

Btw - I have no family to rely on, its just me :'( thats all my children have got. X x x x 

[whatdoesittake48]

You say he has been working lots of overtime recently - is there a chance he could have another woman on the go? this could explain his checking out on the relationship and not being willing to give up his time - but if he has always been this way....

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

Yes, I also wouldn't be surprised if such utter contempt for you is also being fuelled by him shagging around

[FantasticMax]

Can I just say my Dad was like this to my Mum (they are still together). Please do not underestimate the damage this does to your kids, seeing your mother being treated with no respect. My siblings and I barely have a relationship with my father now.

[PacificDogwood]

Your life is worse for having him in it IMO.
Tiptoeing around his moods and doing everything for everybody and working and being pregnant - something will have to give and I'd respectfully suggest that should be him.
What is he contributing to you or your family life that is enriching or makes you feel better? Not stressed, inadequate or upset?
Not much, the way I read it.

Yep, keep the baby, lose the dickhead - perfect advice.

[Tiredemma]

your husband needs aborting.

[Tiredemma]

he is mostly i think a good dad..

Hmmmm. Ive read your posts here- thats not a description of a good dad. He sounds pretty shit to be honest.

[PacificDogwood]

Your are worse than alone - you are alone in a relationship .

Yes, he sounds very threatened by you being so capable and him having lost his business etc - it must have been very hard.
BUT - this does not excuse his behaviour. He sounds and behaves like a stroppy teenager, a badly behaved teenager, not a husband and father.

Get some help - a nanny does not need to be live-in btw.
Get some legal advice - even if you are not going to follow through it might be helpful to know where you stand financially.
Get some time to yourself - could you take a couple of days off and stay with a friend, simply to regroup?

[5madthings]

He is not a good dad or a good partner, get rid of him and get a nanny so you ah e good childcare in place for when thenbaby arrives.


You are doing it all on your own anyway, it will be easier once he has gone.

[MrsBungleScare]

You are doing it all on your own anyway, op. This man does not sound like a good dad AT ALL. He says the kids ruin trips and that you should abort your 25 week baby - he sounds a piece of work.

He sounds like an immature, selfish idiot of a man who doesn't deserve a lovely family like you and your kids. It is very hard to leave a relationship but I really think you need to muster the strength to do so.

[minibmw2010]

Onmyown3, I genuinely think you'd be much better off (as would your children) without him around. You say the only day he's with you and the children see a lot of him is Sunday, are those Sundays relaxed or slightly stressful/strained in the background? Children pick up on things, they know when things aren't right. It sounds like financially you're in a decent position to actually be able to cope on your own without him in the family home. That's why earlier up-thread I suggested get a nanny. Get rid of him, get someone in who will help you care for the children while you have a newborn to deal with and someone who, by the time you go back to work, you feel comfortable leaving your children with. That person doesn't have to be a live in. I have a good friend who has a high powered job and her Nanny is lovely, she treats my friends DS with such care and works 7-7 (or thereabouts) so it's more than doable.

I also have a friend who is in exactly the kind of relationship you're in with a cold unloving man and she stayed, despite having the means to leave/kick him out and go it alone. She's desperately lonely despite having lots of friends and interests. Lonely doesn't stop just because the person is still there. Her kids are nearly grown up, she's still relatively young and I have no idea why she's still there. Again, kids know, I did when I was growing up, I knew my parents shouldn't be together but they were and it was horrible. I'm sorry, but it was.

You sound lovely and an amazing Mum, don't let this man drag you down any further. xx

[sheeplikessleep]

This man is hugely influential in how your children grow up to see the role men play and what is right, wrong and what is fair. You have a chance to change the status quo, and show your kids what a good relationship is by leaving and in time, finding someone who respects you and your children and who pulls their weight.

[shellbot]

This sounds like my parent's marriage except that she was a SAHM. He treated her like dirt which us 4 kids witnessed.

I married someone who ended up like him who I stayed with far too long because he was so wonderful in the beginning and I couldn't walk away because I wanted that back again. It took until I found out about his cheating on me and the fact that he didn't even think he'd done anything wrong and couldn't care less about how much he'd hurt me before I walked away.

I'm now a lone parent with 2 very happy children who see a strong mother dealing with life. Not an unhappy married mother who put up with a badly behaved husband.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

In all honesty I don't know what I get from the relationship anymore
I tried kicking him out once a few months ago... He came home after 2 weeks promising he would change... it's like back to square 1.

I think you know in your heart it's over. Don't wait for your baby to arrive, take action now.

[noddyholder]

If you think you have the strength to do it I would leave.Being with someone from a young age can be about habit as well as dependence. Its supposed to be a partnership you deserve better.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Your poor children having such a completely shit dad.

If you kicked him out he might actually be forced to care for them occasionally.

[AugustaProdworthy]

Its not a very happy environment for your DCs, I'm not sure how old they are (not read all of thread) but they can pick up on things and I would be the last person to say LTB but in this case I'm not sure what staying with him is doing for you and your children's' wellbeing.

[Topseyt]

To be honest, his behaviour is very selfish. I would INSIST that tomorrow he pulls his weight and collects the children, and say that you will be informing the school to expect him because of your work meetings.

For me, a kick in the right direction after such an appalling diatribe coming out of his mouth would be a kick out of the door, if he wasn't very careful.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh holy crap OP what an utterly VILE thing to say. I am fuming on your behalf.

I hope he did pick the kids up although I think the idea of phoning his mother to ask her to do it (and tell her WHY!) was brilliant

FWW I have been separated from my DCs' dad for 6 years. Occasionally I have to work ona day when I'm supposed to pick up (I do a LOT of juggling to make sure this is rare) and he leaves work, picks them up, takes them back to his work with him and brings them home afterwards. He does this without question because he knows that I am working and they are HIS kids. I do the same for him if his work requires it. Just so as you know that your "D"H's behaviour is neither normal or acceptable

Good luck to you OP. I think you have some thinking / acting to do

[Madamecastafiore]

Get yourself an au pair and give her the keys to the flash car to drive around. Get a cleaner too and take a break yourself. Next time he asks for anything or wants a treat tell him the cash is spent on people who pick up the slack from him being an utter cock lodger.

Failing that I 'd chuck the fucker out, get an au pair and a cleaner and not have to cook, clean for or spend anytime with the utter waste of space.

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

Stop making his pack lunch for a start!

[Xenadog]

OP he sounds like a total leech, a parasite to be honest.

I would play the "magic wand game" to help you decide what to do - no one can tell you what is the right thing (well they can but you need to believe it) but this activity does help you gain clarity.

Imagine you had a magic wand and could wave it so your life became almost perfect. What would it look like?

Would your husband be present? If so, how would he behave? The same? Slightly differently? Very differently?

Now think about the reality of your relationship. You have kicked him out in the past, he has told you to abort your child and doesn't feel that he has a responsibility as a husband or father. Is this a man who can fit into the magic wand life you would wish for yourself?

If not, consider the sacrifices you and your DC are making just to keep him living with you. Are they worth it?

If he wasn't living with you how would life be for you? Better? Worse? Just different?

You need to be honest with yourself here and really look at what you and DC want and need. If he is unable (too selfish) to provide then you must take steps to get rid of this parasite to allow you the opportunity to be happy again.

Only you can decide what to do but some serious thinking on your behalf is needed. The fact you are posting the questions on MN suggests you know the answer but need some support in carrying out the decision.

[gintastic]

My goodness, that is completely unforgivable. I too not being smug, but I work 2 long days and 2 short days a week. On my long days, DH take the kids to CM and picks them up. He also makes packed lunches, does laundry, irons his own shirts, does half the cooking and shopping and has the kids (ages 6,3 and 1) if I fancy a day out or a night away (prob only twice a year due to funds but option always there).

This is what you deserve. And what your kids deserve.

I would tell him if he doesn't come home with the kids then not to come home at all. I hope your day works out OK...

[mummytime]

Chuck him out again, before the baby comes. Do start looking for a Nanny, the best ones I know would be like a friend looking after your children when you weren't there. Only full of good ideas to improve their lives (and yours).
It could just open your eyes to how bad a father he really is.
He is already a Disney Dad, so he might actually have to buck his ideas if he had them on his own.
Good luck!

[gorionine]

I have never ever said that on a MN thread but I suppose there is a first time for everything! if the situation is truthfully as you describe it, something indeed needs giving up but I really do not think it is your baby.
Sit down and think a list of things you do think you might struggle with on your own, I bet it will be a very short one!

[MistAllChuckingFrighty]

where has op gone ?