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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

93 replies

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 14:29

to ask my dh not to watch porn to masturbate? he says I am. so opinions please.... be gentle with me as it is something that I have issues with, and he is making me feel like a freak!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/11/2013 14:32

I wouldn't stay with a man who watched porn.

gamerchick · 07/11/2013 14:32

It's very personal. I don't personally care.

If it was in your face then fair enough but if he's discreet then I would say mind your own.

However nobody has the right to say that to you because porn use affects people differently.

It does not make you a freak at all.

wontletmesignin · 07/11/2013 14:35

Each to their own i suppose. I personally wouldnt want a man who felt it was fine.
I dont think you are being unreasonable.
I think he is for not respecting your wishes and at least cutting down on it or keeping it away from you.

I again, personally, wouldnt settle if he didnt stop.
Simply because i feel there is a whole seedy side around the porn. I dont feel it is needed at all in the relationshop, unless its a thing you do together. Even then - not for me. But that is just my opinion

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 14:36

Eeeew, that would put me right off my partner I must admit, some folk are ok about it, I wouldn't be. Then again, if he was discreet enough that I never even knew then I can't be harmed.

If he can't take on board your feelings and not do it in front of you then you know what he thinks of you, his porn comes first.

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 14:41

Is this something you have discussed before? Do you have any specific reasons why you don't want him using porn?

I don't agree with pornography from a moral perspective, but i understand not everyone feels the same way as I do. DH knows i couldn't find him sexy if I thought for a second he used porn, its a total turn off for me and in my experience porn users are crap lovers with zero imagination.

You cant force him to do anything, but if you have a fundamental difference in your values and attitudes towards the sex industry and your own sex life I cant really see you reaching a middle ground.

Is this something you have discussed before?

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 14:43

Sorry about the repeat question there! Not sure how that happened.

Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 14:50

yes we have spoken about it. the last time I found he had, was when I had stayed in hospital the night I had our 3rd child. we had discussed before that and he knew how Ifelt. he promised here wouldn't again, but did only 4 days ago, while I was out for an hour taking my kids to see Nanny on our sons 7th birthday. I am obviously horrified, as not onlydid he promise not to, it was almost as soon as I'm out he felt the need. now he says he can't promise he won't do it again. and he thinks I'm being unreasonable to feel otherwise. :-(

OP posts:
RedWineAndCheese · 07/11/2013 14:55

I am a woman. I masturbate to porn! "Nice" porn admittedly, slightly arty home-made stuff in which the women is greatly enjoying herself. Tumblr is great for that, and has lovely couple submissions.

So yes, I so think YABU, and in fact I would think my DH way overbearing, condescending and utterly unreasonable if he had a problem with it.

Just to give you another viewpoint!

SkinnybitchWannabe · 07/11/2013 15:04

I watch porn with my oh. Doesnt bother me when he watches it alone.

susiedaisy · 07/11/2013 15:06

Yanbu op my exh used to masturbate to porn almost every time I went out of the house. Overtime I lost respect for him and along with a whole host of other stuff it contributed to me divorcing him.
Also there is something slightly insulting and distasteful about him doing it when you are in hospital having his child Hmm

Thistledew · 07/11/2013 15:10

My DH knows that viewing porn is a complete deal breaker for me. He can masturbate as much as he likes (so long as it doesn't detract from our sex life together), but porn is a complete no. I made that clear to him soon after we started living together and to the very best of my knowledge he has respected my wishes.

I sent him a selection of links to stuff on the internet that set out why I find porn so morally objectionable, which I can forward to you if you would like.

Ultimately, if you have explained to him that you find it objectionable that he uses it, and why you find it so, and he continues to use it then you have to decide for yourself if it is a deal breaker for you. Each of us does things that are morally dodgy to one degree or another - speeding, buying clothes which have probably been made in sweat shops, buying food that is not fair trade. We also probably all do things that are slightly disrespectful of our partners - not tidying up when we know it annoys them, slagging them off to our best friends in a moaning session, allowing ourselves to snap and grump when we are tired. No one is perfect, but we are each entitled to our own line in the sand.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 15:31

It doesn't actually matter what anyone else thinks. If you strongly object and he strongly wants to continue then what you've got is an impasse. If no-one wants to compromise their position the only solution left is to split. Sorry.

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 15:32

mrshectic This thread is going to throw out a lot of different responses and as Thisledew excellently put it " No one is perfect, but we are each entitled to our own line in the sand"

Does it change how you feel about him sexually? Does it affect your respect for him? Perhaps telling him that whilst you don't like the porn, he is an adult who makes his own choices but he does however have to accept that his actions will affect how you feel about him and in turn this will end up causing damage to your relationship.

Question is, is the porn more important to him than the respect of his wife?
His answer tells you where his priorities are.

Rosencrantz · 07/11/2013 15:37

I enjoy porn, and think it has it's place, so I wouldn't be angry at my DH. I use it in the same way.

That being said I do understand your concerns. Fundamentally, your husband is doing something that upsets you. You need to sit him down and explain your feelings, and see if he acts accordingly. You also need to listen to his reasons, and not just write him off for doing something you wouldn't. He is allowed to have preferences the same way you do.

There needs to be some educated compromise here, rather than mindless sacrifices - but I'll be damned if I know what that actually is.

Best of luck OP Wine

Joysmum · 07/11/2013 15:53

I used to be hurt by my hubby liking porn. We talked about it and he realised it made me feel inadequate. He made me realise I'm his world and I no longer feel so self conscious. You need to discuss it together so you both understand the other. An outright ban without consensus or understanding isn't healthy IMO

At the end of the day it's between you both as a couple and trying to justify your wish for a ban without an open and frank talk won't help your relationship even if it makes you feel you are in the right.

Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 15:54

Thank you for ur responses.I am still feeling a bit numb by his response to how I feel about it. Tbh, I don't know how or where to go from this point, and have no idea how to make that decision, but I will have to at some point, and live with whatever decision that is.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 15:59

He asked me to seek opinions, which is why I am here. so I can now show him that neither of us are alone on our views, but ultimately, I am not alone on mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 16:01

Joysmum... u used to be hurt by it. does that mean that u no longer are because u can see his pov? or that he doesn't use it any more because he understands that it hurts u?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 16:03

He asked you to seek opinions? What does he think this is a numbers game or something..... if five people agree with him, he gets to carry on? Hmm It's your opinion that matters OP. You're married to him, not us.

Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 16:05

I think because he feels that it is perfectly normal and all or most other men do, that I should seek the opinions to confirm that.

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 16:05

^ what Cogito said as usual

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 16:09

A lot of other men do use porn for masturbation. So what? As my granny would have said 'if everyone else was sticking their hand in the fire, would it be OK to copy them?'

Vivacia · 07/11/2013 16:09

Cogito is right on this one. Your marriage is not a democratic country, we don't get a vote. What matters is you two.

so I can now show him that neither of us are alone on our views I don't think anyone's said you should put up with it.

Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 16:10

Plus, I wanted to see if Iam indeed being unreasonable to ask him to stop because it hurts me so much.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/11/2013 16:12

My take is, "I couldn't respect a man who watches porn, nor would I want to be intimate with him. You've told me you're not going to stop, so it's time to move back to your mum's house. I'll ring her and let her know why you're on your way".