Am I being unreasonable?

[mrshectic]

to ask my dh not to watch porn to masturbate? he says I am. so opinions please.... be gentle with me as it is something that I have issues with, and he is making me feel like a freak!

He also has that right to decide that he can't be with her if she puts the restrictions on him.

Yes, he does have that right. And that is what he is supposed to be deciding now. Instead he is trying to avoid addressing the issue by asking OP to find out what other people think.

It doesn't matter what other people think. He is ignoring her boundaries.

If he really want to choose porn, then he should tell her so that they can get on with the business of separating.

Sorry if u feel that I am trying to hold him against his will puking, or that I am making threats that he should change his ways. It is him that has changed HIS ways, as he never NEEDED to use pornographic images to 'knockoneout' as u so gracefully put it. And before u jump on me again, yes, I do know that for a FACT.

Also, fyi, I came on here asking for opinions. Honest ones. Which I believe I have had. A mixture of them, and I didn'ttake offence at any others that differed from my own view, as what would be the point in that? Would my title not have been a little more rhetorical, as opposed to actually ASKING what people thought? If u think I'm being unreasonable fine, explain ur thoughts, then move on. Same as if u don't think I am. That way I am getting OPINIONS....not how much u think I'm a twat! So no, I don't think you're attacking me purely because u disagree with my view..... I just think u don't know how to communicate when writing things...many email/texts are misinterpreted because of people not having the foresight of how it can be read.
Sorry if I have done the same.

Also, hectic it is a myth that men need porn to masturbate. Plenty of wanking was going on before t'inernet was invented, or photography. It's a habit he's got into and he can choose whether to continue it or not.

It's his choice, not yours, so if he does choose to continue wanking to porn rather than be in a relationship with you, I'd say you would be much better off without him.

What do you want to do next?

I know fairnuff.... that's half the problem. He never used to use porn to be able to masturbate...this I do know, he said so himself whilst we were trying to talk it through like adults for once . We always had an honest relationship up until about a year and a half ago. I never would have believed he could lie to me, about anything. Even if he had considered an affair, he was the type that would have said things weren't working and split before it got to that. I really do did know him inside out. Now I don't know where that man has gone...or if I will ever get himback. I that he too, feels like this. I don't know if I can trust him. I want to, but don't want to waste both our lives trying to make something work that is already doomed.

What happened 18 months ago?

Just that he started lying....about things I felt, he shouldn't have felt he needed to lie about, or cover up. I was shocked that he did lie, and he said he wouldn't do it again when I reiterated that he should never feel the need to lie to me. We used to talk about everything. Over the last 18 months he has done to me more and more, I feel like he's had a personality transplant. Like I say, he never needed it before, so it was never an issue I thought we would have to broach, and in the beginning, he would've agreed on that point because he didn't have to use it.

So why have things changed? I'll never know. Ihave to just live with decision I make and know it was the right one for me personally.

This isn't primarily about porn is it?

xpost -

Is he only lying about porn use, or about other things? What does his 'personality transplant' involve?

Vivacia, thankyou, u r right in saying this is not a competition, and it is support I'm looking for. I'm far from perfect, nobody is. I am just struggling with it, and wanted to hear what others thought, so I could try and approach it with a better understanding. Sometimes couples find it difficult to discuss things rationally because they occasionally forget they are adults are just too close , and it helps to take a step back sometimes to do this.

Just another opinion.....
Dh and I watch porn together. Sometimes I will watch/masturbate alone, sometimes he does but usually it's together. When he does it alone he usually texts me as he's found something really sexy to watch and thinks I'd enjoy it too. He's usually right!
I'm fine with it as we've always been so open about it. I guess I might have a different opinion if there was sneaking around going on.

I hope you are able to discuss and move forward with your dh.
I would say I don't think it's something you should leave him over but I'm not in your shoes... So I'll refrain.

Best of luck.

It is mainly about the porn, yes. I have an understanding of the reasons he has lied to me and why (although I may not agree with him actually lying to me). But I can't let the lies and deceit and trying not very well, but that just reiterates that deceit has never been his thing to hide porn use behind my back. Why the porn and not other stuff? I cannot say any other reason than it makes me feel inadequate. As a women. As a women who has had his 3 children, it made me feel that I am not attractive anymore to him. Crazy? Yes probably....but that is how it makes me feel. Which is basically what I wanted to know. If anyone else would feel the same, or whether my judgement is clouded from being exhausted with a 9week old baby and 2 school aged children.

Maybe the porn use is a symptom of something else. What else did he lie to you about?

thankyou winterblondie, maybe ure right, I can understand that. tbh ,maybe it is the sneakiness about the porn.... the hiding it. It wouldn't be a massive thing for me if he involved me maybe, like u saying about ur husband texting u like he did. He involved u and u know that he is still thinking of u! I feel like he's trying to erase me from his mind to be able to get turned on by looking at others. Then feeling guilty and hiding it. Ijustdon't know anymore. I feel very confused. So thankyou for your kind words. I will work it out eventually I'm sure.

Wow. 9 week old baby and 2 older children... Sounds hectic!

I can totally understand your point of view with the sneakiness.

I would hazard a guess and say that he hasn't included you so far because he's afraid of your reaction. Whether it's a telling off or the insinuation that he's wrong to do it. I bet he would love for you to be involved and if you think it's something that might turn you on, you could give it a go.
You could even look for something yourself and go to him if you find something that turns you on.
In my experience it's important not to make your partner feel odd or weird about wanting to watch it.

Perhaps when you feel up to it (as a taking care of a 9 week old new born is crazy!) you can sit and talk to him about it at a time when you're both calm and open minded to hearing each other's views.

Sending a big hug, hope you work it out.

There is definitely something that has triggered/ started him using. Maybe it's problems that he hasn't admitted to.... with himself sexually? That can happen for whatever reason. Maybe he is too embarrassed to tell me? He has never been the type to be able to talk about sex openly without getting shy/generally feeling uneasy. I think I will try talk about the whole thing again whilst I am feeling a lot calmer about it. Which is another reason I wanted to come here to discuss it, as people on here generally have good, calming advice with a few exceptions of course.

winterblondie, thanks, 9 wk old . and 2 intow or not, I always seem up for it x

If I knew my OH was 'knockingoneout' and then rejecting me, it would be a deal breaker.
It's like he is choosing porn to get his rocks off, over intimacy with you.
I would not like that at all.
I have a high sex drive and a partner to match it.
If he started using porn and pushing me and my needs aside!!?? Not good enough. He'd be dumped. But then I don't have 3 kids with him!
You really need to ask yourself, can you live like this for the next 20-40 years. If the answer is NO then you know what you need to do.
It's a tough one but I know you'll make the right decision.

Sorry if u feel that I am trying to hold him against his will puking

I never said anything ever remotely like that. There's no need to be so defensive.

as he never NEEDED to use pornographic images to 'knockoneout' as u so gracefully put it.

So the porn is new? That is new information. You should have put that in your op, along with how he has recently started lying about stuff.

Also, fyi, I came on here asking for opinions. Honest ones. Which I believe I have had. A mixture of them, and I didn'ttake offence at any others that differed from my own view, as what would be the point in that?

You clearly haven't wanted to hear my opinions and clearly have taken offence.

If u think I'm being unreasonable fine, explain ur thoughts....not how much u think I'm a twat!

I never called you a twat or anything of the sort! And i have explained my thoughts My saying that I think jealously where porn is related is a waste of your time and energy and jealousy in general in relationships being unhealthy, isn't the same as calling you a twat. I don't understand why you think I have called you that.

You started this thread by saying you have a higher sex drive and don't like his looking at porn because it makes you jealous. If you had started it by saying he has only recently started looking at porn and lying to you as well (about porn or other things, it's not clear) then I probably would have given different opinions. That's why drip feeding isn't a good idea. If he has recently withdrawn from you then you obviously have bigger problems then a bit of porn.

I get that you are feeling delicate right now, and I can understand why, really.

Anyway . . .

It really sounds as though he needs to open up about sex, because if he can't even talk about it and goes all shy I don't see how you can move forward. Do you think he has some shame issues regarding sex? I find it quite unusual that a man would be shy about sex but perhaps that's just the men I've known! I also wonder how, if he has got some new interests regarding sex and porn or whatever, how he will be able to open up to you knowing how strongly you feel about it. You have told him that it is not allowed in your relationship, so if he is really into it or has issues he's not likely to tell you. I don't think banning stuff and laying down the law is going to encourage openness, and that isn't calling you a twat, it's pointing out that your strong feelings on it does mean he is very unlikely to be open.