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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

93 replies

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 14:29

to ask my dh not to watch porn to masturbate? he says I am. so opinions please.... be gentle with me as it is something that I have issues with, and he is making me feel like a freak!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 17:36

Fairnuff, no I wasn't. I just find it hard to believe that he would let it destroy our family, or that he thinks I am by being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 17:37

Puking The problem is her DH has replaced a sex life with her for a sex life with himself.

I have a very high sex drive in comparison to him. It has always made me feel a bit unattractive or unwanted when he turns me down

This isn't about masturbation, its about what he wants taking precedent over the needs and feelings of OP. He is denying her a fulfilling sex life because he chooses to use porn. That's not a difference in opinion, that's ignoring your partners needs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 17:38

You're now hinting that other things aren't right in the relationship. Did you feel secure in the relationship up to now? Confident in his love? Respected? Did you trust him implicitly? Is the porn - in other words - symptomatic of a deeper unease or something completely separate?

CinnabarRed · 07/11/2013 17:39

My personal views align exactly with PukingCat's.

I find porn enormously arousing, possibly because I have absolutely no visual memory at all (if I close my eyes I can't picture my DH, or my DSs, for example). I choose not to watch porn on moral/ethical grounds - I accept that the industry itself is exploitative.

Am I right in thinking your objections aren't moral ones? If so the sexual counselling might be helpful - align your respective sex drives more closely, allow you to accept that masturbation isn't (necessarily) a rejection of you just as PukingCat describes, help him understand that it's not OK to replace a healthy sex life with masturbation.

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 17:40

It's not so much banning him from looking at porn - yes they don't share the same views on the subject but that shouldn't mean she rolls over and allows him to do it - basically in front of her. He could quite easily have his masturbation and porn out of sight, I'm sure they're not together 24hrs a day.

What's troubling is the fact that she appears to keep catching him, he also has turned her down for sex, quite regularly. It looks like he's replaced his sex life with her with habitual porn use - that's what it looks like, I'm not saying that's it, definitively.

It's like if my partner started smoking, I'd expect them to respect my views on it and do it out of my sight, same for porn tbh.

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 17:44

Booster. No, this is her problem

I have listened to his view, Ihave tried to understand that I am his world even though he watches other women. I just can't. I can't seem to move past it.

Its insecurity and jealously. That is all.

There is nothing to say that he has replaced his sex life with porn. Just that he has a lower sex drive than the op. Even those with lower sex drives masturbate. They don't have to save every single time they orgasm to be with their partner. They are perfectly entitled to do it alone sometimes if they wish, just like everyone else. To say otherwise is controlling.

As i said before masturbation serves a different purpose. Op can't ban her dh from masturbating unless her own sexual needs are satisfied first. He's not a sex slave.

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 17:50

OP, this is not your problem, it's a problem that should be shared and resolved between you and your partner, I am sure out of respect for your views and standards he can be a bit more discrete with his wanking and porn use - is that really asking too much of your partner, I don't think so!

It is not insecurity and jealousy, I would feel exactly the same, it's feck all to do with your own self confidence and belief in yourself, but it's everything to do with your OH not even acknowledging your feelings - there's no sure way to end a relationship than to ignore your partner's views and feelings.

The OP has already asked him to abstain, ok, he can't, but he could do it out of her sight surely - the fact he can't or won't do it, once again, would tell me he either has a bit of a unhealthy habit with porn or and he doesn't actually give a toss what you think.

Andy1964 · 07/11/2013 17:56

This is obviously something that you feel very passionate about.
The real question's are;

  1. How passionate do you feel about it. If DH can't promise and is caught using porn again on several occasions are you so upset by it that you cannot live together and ulimatly split?

  2. How much does your DH feel heed needs to carry on against your wishes, knowing that it may risk his marriage if he continues?

At least you know what he is up to, he is not going behind your back or concealing what he is doing (because you know about it)
Is there the potential to drive his behaviour 'underground' so you don't know what he is up to?

God, It's tough when you both have such wildly differing views.

Good luck, hope you can both sort it out

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 18:00

At least you know what he is up to, he is not going behind your back or concealing what he is doing (because you know about it)
Is there the potential to drive his behaviour 'underground' so you don't know what he is up to?

I think the whole point is, she'd actually prefer it if he did!

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 18:07

That was meant to say

This is her problem . . . (and then the quote)

Not this is HER problem which i think is how it reads.

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 18:12

I know that noone has said I should put up with it, but there are also people that think that I am being unreasonable and that if he's discreet (whichmeans basically lie to me so I'm not getting hurt), then I shouldn't poke my nose into his business. That's a bit weird if u ask me. but there u go, that's just me.

It sounds like op doesn't want him doing it even if he does do it discreetly. Is that right op?

I can't actually see where op says he does it in front of her as other posters are saying. Perhaps I've missed it. All i can see is where she found it on his phone. He should have cleared what he had been looking at but she said that was the first time. Rookie mistake.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 07/11/2013 18:15

I wouldn't like it op. I would just think he was a sad old loser.

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 18:15

I just find it hard to believe that he would let it destroy our family

See i think your problem is here. He is doing something that you don't agree with and so HE'S destroying your family?

How about if YOU were doing something HE didn't agree with and said that YOU were breaking up the family and so had to do what HE said, in line with HIS opinions and stop?

Its controlling.

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 18:24

pukingcat If my masturbation was affecting the amount of sex I had with DH and he was unhappy i was turning him down then I would consider this a problem -wouldn't you?

Op hasn't said she has a problem with masturbation, she has a problem with porn. I manage to masturbate without it or are you going to tell me men are "more visual" now?

I don't like the porn industry because of its abuse of women, does that make me jealous and insecure too?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 07/11/2013 18:24

No it's a relationship where you listen to each other and care about each other.

Original poster
mrshectic · 07/11/2013 18:25

puking.....don't know if u read my initial post where I asked if people could be gentle with me? Clearly, if u did, u don't give a toss, as it feels like an attack from u! I am more likely to be able to understand ur views and see the reasoning behind them, if u made ur posts sound a little less like they were being hurled at me maybe?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/11/2013 18:25

Puking do you think the problem is not so much the disagreement as the fact that he's deceived his wife?

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 18:26

pukingcat Rookie mistake? You routinely clear history in order to deceive your partner?

Niiiiice.

Fairenuff · 07/11/2013 18:39

I don't think you have the right to dictate to him what he looks at.

Nor do I Puking but she does have the right to say that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who looks at porn. Which is what she is saying.

Fairnuff, no I wasn't. I just find it hard to believe that he would let it destroy our family, or that he thinks I am by being unreasonable.

He may well choose porn over his relationship with you hectic but right now I think he doesn't believe you really will end it. Do you think he is taking you seriously?

He is trying to deflect away from really talking about the problem and how it will affect his relationship if he continues, by asking you to go and ask others what they think.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter if he thinks you are being unreasonable. You are entitled to state your boundaries and stick to them. You are entitled to have your own views and opinions and have them respected by others.

If he thinks that is unreasonable, he is, of course, entitled to think that. But he should also understand that he has a clear choice - a relationship with you, without porn. Or a relationship with porn, without you.

That is his choice to make, not yours. You have already stated your intentions, now he has to decide on his.

I expect he will try to ignore you or hope that you will just stfu about this.

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 18:40

Booster. For gods sake! Hmm You clearly haven't read anything I've written properly. Or the op for that matter.

He has a low sex drive. That's why they have less sex than she would like. Sex and masturbation are two different things and serve two different purposes. So he is unlikely to be turning her down for sex because he masturbate occasionally. As already said before.

How he choses to masturbate is his business. Just like ops is hers. If she can't bear to be with a man who looks at porn, then the problem is that she has chosen the wrong man. Not that He needs to do as she dictates to him. She's not his master. As already said.

Op has admitted that its jealously of his looking at other women that she doesn't like. So your comments about abuse of women in the industry being YOUR problem with it is irrelevant.

Fuck sake! Why can no one on here Fucking read properly!

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 18:41

Op. I am being gentle with you. You might not like what i am saying or agree with it but Im not attacking you. I think generally it feels like that when people say things we don't want to hear.

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 18:44

Nor do IPukingbut she does have the right to say that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who looks at porn. Which is what she is saying.

Of course. We all have that right. He also has that right to decide that he can't be with her if she puts the restrictions on him. If their opinions on this don't match then maybe they just shouldn't be together, rather than op getting to set the rules.

Vivacia · 07/11/2013 19:00

rather than op getting to set the rules

Puking, do you think the fact that he lied might be part of the problem here? OP thought they had discussed the issue and reached an agreement.

Fuck sake! Why can no one on here Fucking read properly! Do you think it might be language like this that makes the OP feel attacked?

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 19:14

Vivacia.

That language wasn't directed at the op WHICH WOULD BE OBVIOUS IF YOU READ PROPERLY so no why would that make her feel attacked. Especially as i wrote that after she said she felt attacked! Don't let the facts stop you trying to win the argument though Confused

Yes the lying is an issue. He should have been honest and said he didn't intend to stop.

If my husband said he didn't want me doing something which i enjoyed, erotic literature or whatever, and that if i did then i would be destroying our marriage, then i might lie as well. Probably after wondering why on earth he was jealous of that! I would probably also consider finishing with him because I've been in relationships where the other person is jealous and THAT is what destroys relationships.

He was a bit over a barrel. Don't do xyz which you've probably always done because i don't agree with it for whatever reason or we're over.

Vivacia · 07/11/2013 19:18

Don't let the facts stop you trying to win the argument though This isn't a competition. This is a support thread. The OP has explained she feels attacked by you and has asked you to be gentle. You can either respect the woman's wishes or continue as you were.