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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

93 replies

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 14:29

to ask my dh not to watch porn to masturbate? he says I am. so opinions please.... be gentle with me as it is something that I have issues with, and he is making me feel like a freak!

OP posts:

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 16:14

I know that noone has said I should put up with it, but there are also people that think that I am being unreasonable and that if he's discreet (whichmeans basically lie to me so I'm not getting hurt), then I shouldn't poke my nose into his business. That's a bit weird if u ask me. but there u go, that's just me.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 16:15

If some aspect of your partner's behaviour hurts you, you are entitled to ask them to stop. If they won't stop you have to draw your own conclusions why and deal with the consequences accordingly.

For some people porn is a deal-breaker. No porn or no relationship. For others there is a compromise 'out of sight out of mind' position i.e. discreet porn use, no spending money on porn and no deterioration in sex-life. For others there is no problem at all and they use it as a marital aid.

There's no one right answer here. Just your personal judgement.

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 16:17

Thanks Cogito, I know ur right. I have to sort out how I really feel.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 16:20

Nope,most men don't use porn, he's saying that to justify his dirty little habit.

Joysmum · 07/11/2013 16:24

A bit of both really. I used to really struggle as to why he loved me, why he wanted me, why he didn't want anyone else and only me as I didn't think I was worthy.

He's learnt to communicate with me on my terms so I understand. The other current thread by the hubby who wants sex with his wife touches on how differently hubby and I are re sex. Me seeing it as something we do when close, him seeing it as a way to get close.

For me it was 2 fold, thought he needed porn and I wasn't enough, also thought that the porn and wanking was at the expense of a better sex life.

He thought he wanted sex a lot more than me and didn't want to keep forcing himself on me! I didn't want to force myself on him because he works long hours and is tired.

We talked through it he realised his sexual desires were welcome and not too much, and I'm utterly confit ident in his love and lust for me dispute there being much prettier, funnier, richer, better educated wen out there than me. I know it's boring to say talk to your hubby, actually I'd advise to LISTEN to your hubby because so often on here we see outraged women reacting to something because they imagine it's been an action for far more serious thought crimes than is actually the case.

As my hubby says, he doesn't think, he doesn't analyse. We could see the same thing but in different ways as we are very different people. It's not enough to like or hate something, it's better to know why.

Joysmum · 07/11/2013 16:25

Jan45

Really? Most guys I know do or have, most women too actually.

BobaFetaCheese · 07/11/2013 16:25

Did you marrying him knowing he watched porn?
How would you feel if he were to wank to 'normal' sexy things (not porn, but the victoria secret models or a naughty pic of you/some celeb he fancies)?

I would say yabu, but then I don't mind porn.
I don't know any men who don't wank or havent watched porn (asidefrom FIL...it's never come up in convrrsation), nor any women for whom it's a dealbreaker, so it's my normal, but is it a dealbreaker for you?

Hope you manage to work this out x

CinnabarRed · 07/11/2013 16:28

How did you find out? I have no idea if my DH masturbates (I assume he must do) or, if so, whether he watches porn to do so.

Both of us take the view that masturbation is a private thing, entirely separate from our sex life. So I don't ask, and he doesn't tell. And vice versa.

He did say once the he finds most porn entirely unerotic, but I didn't follow up on it.

Did you go looking, or stumble across it?

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 16:29

Joysmum: most guys I know don't, when I say don't, they don't use it on a regular basis if they are in a long term relationship. As far as I can tell porn corrodes a relationship if it's being used as much as what it appears to be with the OPs partner.

We could argue all day about how many men use and how many don't, at the end of the day, he knows she'd prefer he didn't so by his actions, it pretty much proves he'd rather a dirty video than respect his own woman's opinion and feelings. To me, that would signify he might just have a bit of a bad habit going on with it.

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 16:30

I know a lot of men who find it distasteful and juvenile Joysmum.

Different stokes for different folks and all that. bad pun sorry

MrsHectic You're allowed to feel how you feel, just because your DH thinks most men do it doesn't make it right for your relationship. I know an awful lot of women who take the bulk of the childcare and housework,just because the perceived majority do it doesn't make it right for my household.

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 16:30

CinnabarRed: yes, same here, I think it's the best way.

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 16:31

Joysmum, that's just the thing, I have listened to his view, Ihave tried to understand that I am his world even though he watches other women. I just can't. I can't seem to move past it. I am probably just being silly. I don't know why I can't...and why it makes it a deal breaker for me. But I love him so much, which ids why I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 16:36

Oh dear god, please do not think you are being silly.

Don't ever let a man devalue your standards and opinions. He's putting porn before your feelings, think about that.

Vivacia · 07/11/2013 16:38

I can't seem to move past it. I am probably just being silly.

I can't see what's silly about disagreeing with the exploitation and degradation of another human being. I can't see what's silly about about being uncomfortable about someone who is apparently in a relationship buying sex services.

Did you see the recent Channel 4 documentary, something like, "Dating a porn star"? What's that other well-known Channel 4 documentary from years ago that's on You Tube?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2013 16:59

For me it would be dependent on what type of porn he was watching, how often and if it impacted on our sex life.
If it's not very often then I could live with it and if it was standard porn then not too bad.
I don't like the thought of my OH getting off watching someone else rather than getting his 'kicks' from me.

But this is about YOU and what YOU are prepared to accept.
Cogito always speaks very wisely so re-read her posts!
Good luck with it all though.

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 17:07

I have a very high sex drive in comparison to him. It has always made me feel a bit unattractive or unwanted when he turns me down, but I have learned that he is just tired or whatever and it wasn't to do with me. So when I stumbled across the porn use for sorting himself out, I felt like he doesn't want it but then why is he masturbating....to other women? That makes me feel shit. Yes, I'm afraid I do go looking now, because, well, I don't know. Maybe to confirm that I'm not enough, not what he truly wants in life.t

OP posts:

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 17:09

and because I know him. I know the change in his behaviour when he has doneit. So I now look for it so I don't think it's me being paranoid, but that he has.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 07/11/2013 17:14

Am I being unreasonable to ask my dh not to watch porn to masturbate?

Perhaps you should re-phrase this. Don't ask him not to, tell him what the consequences will be if he does.

'You can watch porn if you want, but you cannot be in a relationship with me if you do'.

Put the ball in his court. But you have to be prepared to follow it through.

One thing is sure, if there are no consequences, he will keep doing it.

Boosterseat · 07/11/2013 17:14

MrsHectic If he is replacing his sex life with you with masturbation then whether or not you agree with porn it is simply not on.

You are entitled to a good sex life as much as he is, to have your needs met and to enjoy an active and loving sex life.

He is lazy,selfish and deceitful. I don't know how anyone here can defend that.

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 17:18

I did fairnuff, and he said he couldn't promise me hewould never do it again. Isaid what would happen, he thinks it would be a stupid reason to end things and basically that I wouldn't be justified to do so over something so 'trivial'. So I suppose that's my answer , right?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/11/2013 17:20

Instead of making yourself feel worse with thoughts of-you are not what he wants in life or are not good enough, please see it for what it is - he's clearly got a problem with watching porn and also a problem with accepting your views and feelings on the matter.

I'd be asking myself in fact if he was what I wanted and was good enough for me, not the other way around!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/11/2013 17:24

He doesn't have a 'problem' watching porn. There are quite a few women he could have chosen to pair up with that would turn a blind eye. What he has a problem about is respecting the OP's opinion enough to either stop or be a lot more discreet about it. Did you find a web-page open OP? Magazines?

Fairenuff · 07/11/2013 17:30

You told him that if he continued to watch porn you would end the relationship.

He thinks you are bluffing.

Are you.

Original poster

mrshectic · 07/11/2013 17:31

The first time was when I came back from walking the dog. His phone was on the armchair, I looked at it as I moved it , he is always on his phone, and rarely out of sight, and it was there as the last thing he did. I could've avoided looking. Iused to trust him 100% , which I never thought I would be able to do with a partner. But things weren't feeling right, maybe that's why I glanced. It's no excuse , but maybe that's where our problem lies. At that point.

OP posts:

PukingCat · 07/11/2013 17:32

I think this is all the wrong way around. You are with a person who doesn't share your opinions on porn. I don't think you have the right to dictate to him what he looks at. Just as he can't dictate to you who you vote for or any other opinion/belief.

I have on occasion read erotic literature. If my husband told me that he didn't agree with it and that i had to stop or we were over, i would wonder when he had turned into a controlling twat who thought his opinions overrided mine.

If you have a relationship with someone who is different to you in some way which is extremely important to you, and then try to change them, you are heading for disappointment.

Masturbation is different to sex in that people use it for quick physical relief. Its a different kettle of fish to full blown sex. They serve two different purposes. If you look at masturbation as being a rejection of you, and sex with you, then you will naturally be upset, but its not.

My dh has in the past got upset that I've knocked one out instead of had sex, but knocking one out doesn't replace sex or make me want to do it less. Its just physical release, unlike sex which takes so much more out of me, and isn't something i want to do at certain times. When Im stressed etc.

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