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Relationships

Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

999 replies

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 04/11/2013 21:57

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

OP posts:

Report

tweedlezee · 09/01/2014 13:23

I wouldn't normally do this but this it too funny. BACKTRACK Panic

It has been occurring to me that keeping a record of our conversations (e mails) are useful if we need to refer to them. They are however in personal and their meaning can be lost in translation. Its like we have been gearing up for the worst case scenario such as mediation / legal action which should be the last resort for seeking an amicable solution. Recent advice that I have had is that talking face to face is very important for this to work now and in the future. This is probably something we should have done more of and also being less stubborn.

Oh lookee, a moment of panic. Has he been speaking to someone who has told him that through mediation the interests of the children are paramount and he may not get what HE wants?
Has he suddenly realised that the email he sent about how important his social life is may jeopardise his case?
Didn't HE invite ME to mediation? (yes....he did)
Oh and he wants an amicable solution? Is that before or after he made me essentially homeless and forced me to leave my children? Before or after he threw stuff at me? Before or after I had to call the police because he went for my throat?
Oh and he has been going for drinks with my friends, probably to plead his case.
This is a safe place right? Well can I be honest and say I am more than amused by his panic. Maybe he can now feel a little of what I have been experiencing the last four years when he told me if we split I would have to leave the kids or that he would not give me money for food or that I was pathetic for struggling with 2 children under 2 and no support close by. SUCK IT MUPPET!!!
YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF!

Thanks for letting me get that out.