Hi again everyone; sss I read your thread too and it's an awful situation he's put you in. I hope you are starting to feel a little stronger in yourself, knowing that it's not you, it's him. Tweedle, well done on your email! IAM, another one who is horrified that even 'not on purpose' your FW could do so much damage. I am sure SS will support your efforts and help you work out an appropriate course of action regarding contact. They (FWs) will only ever admit to the bare minimum they need to, won't they? And will not accept responsibility as it's always a response to someone else's 'bad' behaviour, even ifth at someone else is a child.
I thought, given we're on page 39, I should come back visibly. My H is being great at the moment but I know it's because I'm not challenging anything. As soon as I say anything that could be remotely perceived as critical, I get a full-on verbal attack, with a LOT of projection. But it means that even when things are nice, at best they are polite, which is not uncomfortable but certainly no way for a marriage to be fulfilling, if 'polite' is the absolute best on offer!
There ARE extenuating circumstances so I am not willing to write things off just yet, but this year is definitely make or break (well before the end of the year). We moved countries 4 years ago, from the UK to my home country (but not where I grew up) - I got offered a great job but it was he who instigated the move. He has a neurodegenerative condition which has worsened since we left London, but had brain surgery 18 months ago which has improved his symptoms out of sight, which is great. In the time we've been here, he's been unable to find work except for a four-month period when we first arrived. This has taken a toll on our standard of living but also very much on his self esteem, which I think is where the key problem is.
I am hoping that once he is working or studying (one or the other will be in place by March) that his self esteem will improve and we can then actually talk about / address some of the issues. We went to counselling last year but I found that he only took on board the things he wanted to, showed very little self awareness and was convinced that all the issues / problems were mine. So we stopped going as we were going around in circles. He's also been going to a counselor on his own for self esteem / related to his condition, but I must say that in almost a year I've seen very little change in him.
He is EXCELLENT at doing stuff around the house - cleaning, a lot of the cooking, shopping, taking our daughter to daycare. Our dishwasher broke and until we can get it fixed he is doing all the washing up too so I am grateful that despite not working in a paying job, he is definitely contributing in a practical sense. And he has been trying to get work, very hard, although not very efficiently (although I can't suggest that to him as he'll jump down my throat).
I'm not prepared to walk on eggshells or go along with everything he wants just to keep the peace, but I am prepared to give things another go. I saw a solicitor before Christmas, just to get an idea of practicalities (small child, property in two countries, would it need to support him etc) which has been very helpful. And my parents are very supportive and I have some great friends too.
I guess I don't really need support as such, just a safe place to help me work through things. And of course if it blows up, then I might need to vent!