Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

quietcoach your words are so clear. I am going to print that off and post it on my fridge. still working on the not reacting. even after all that has happened I still feel genuinely excited when he doesn't behave like a massive prick like today texting me to thank me profusely for driving the kids to his tomorrow. I mean, that's nice right? thoughtful? my heart latches onto the nugget of civility. no part of me remembered, in that moment what happens after he is nice and I am not grateful enough for how nice he has been. nor does my heart remember the ache when I realise that just because I am nice and thoughtful, it will in no way change his behaviour if he was in the same situation.
to all the above whose FW's confuse the hell out of them - that is the point. The more confused, fuzzy headed and distressed you are, the more they are winning. because their illogical logic is all you know and no longer can you explain how you would have once managed the same situation out of the relationship. because their reality is the only reality in their mind, it is not, outside there is a whole world of people who can communicate, literate and even appreciate you.

Wise words, indeed, quiet

I couldn't have put it better myself quiet

thanks just being able to print the sentence and someone reply that I'm not crazy is helpful. lurker and nc'er

Personally I would feel a text of profuse thanks before the event to be slightly OTT. (OTOH I am a bit odd about thanks anyway). A simple "thanks" at handover would seem to be the non-FW way to me (just guessing, no experience either way). But then, if he wasn't a FW this wouldn't be happening in the first place...

my sane head completely agrees with you sparkly it is utterly ridiculous isn't it? and of course the fact that I didn't straight away think it ridiculous shows that I have been with a FW too long.

Remember all those weeks ago when I thought I would never survive 10 weeks? Well....I move into my new house in 2 weeks. Hurrah!!!

oh that sounds sooo shit Louby resonates with me totally, all the quiet tears, shed alone without any acknowledgement.

The living on pins sounds horrible and again all too familiar?

Thanks for those wiise words Tweedle, fuzzy headed is what I am. We have a good few minutes and everything is forgotten. Seen a nice flat but it's going to be impossible financially.

Our house is now on the market. I aren't religious but am praying for a quick sale.

My situation is further compounded by the fact that we are a step-family and that causes further problems.

He made his 2 DD say thank you to me for their presents (when we contributed equally to the savings, which we divided equally so we really paid for our own kids Christmas). he then put something on Facebook about 'manners' - directed at me and my 2 DS.

Why should my 2 DS thank a man who can't even speak to them - unless it's to criticise them. they both thanked the person that mattered - me!

He's then let his DD sleep in what is now my bedroom (it was hers so very awkward) but its shows a lack of utter respect for me and the space I'm trying to create in what is MY home! His girls rarely visit us anymore.

The atmosphere in the house is terrible - toxic! Thankfully he's staying with some friends until Monday.

Louby praying it sells fast for you.

Hello everybody, hi Louby - really hope the House goes well. Nothing to add really feeling low because fw has put himself on the sofa as a form of self punishment. He has been rude to me, therefore I get ignored. Idiot. I now know that we will be in for the "quiet, penitent" bit, where he knows he's done something. What a prat. Think I'm beginning to dissociate lol.

Hi all....I've not posted in a while. Hope you are all ok and I am really happy to see all the support on this thread.
I found out my FW was seeing someone else. Needless to say it didn't last long but it gave me the push I needed. We are now living apart. We are on friendly terms for the children's sake. I have been having counselling and I'm getting my confidence back. I've started OD...a relative novice...but a step forward I think.
My FW still not seeking help for his depression. I've done all I can. It's up to him now. Thank you for all the support I revived on here. I will pop back and see if I can support others. Take care all.

received

flora nice to see you.was wondering recently how you were getting on.

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes, long story, sorry: I'm divorced 3 yrs, separated 6 yrs, 2DS 21 & 18, DD14. XP remarried DC 4, 2 and baby due April. We separated after 17 yr marriage, later found out he was having an affair with his secretary, he's married to her now.

We haven't spoken for over 2 yrs, he hasn't spoken to his own brother (since we separated) over a comment he made when we'd split up. His father behaved the same way, not talking to various members of his family for much of his life. XP says we wants nothing to do with me as it always costs him money! I've tried many many times to smooth the waters and engage in discussions about schooling, access, behaviour issues (huge money issues - stealing etc, with DS1 over the past few years) but he ignores me.

My DF passed away 2 weeks ago, funeral and my birthday last week and I text XP about access for DD over Xmas. Then we start a huge argument by text, going on for hours about his duties, not bringing DC into our discussions, not making DD responsible for visiting arrangements. He calls me all the names under the sun, slags off my family, my parenting, why haven't I 'got a man!' This all starts because I asked him several weeks ago to have DD for a weekend (next weekend) so I could go away. He never replied. Apparently he took days off work especially for this but didn't tell me so I cancelled the weekend away.

DD is becoming increasingly stressed by this situation - taking her to the GP today as she has a skin complaint (possibly stress-related) which is getting embarrassing. He and his wife insist on making arrangements for her to visit with her which most of the time has been ok, but I'm not prepared to text wife to ask her to have DD for a weekend - we have spoken only once and text v rarely.

DSs see him every few weeks, DS1 has now stopped asking him for money (he asks me instead - he's a student!) and XP tells DD he's not paying for DS1 any more, discussing DS1's issues with her which I resent hugely! DS2 keeps his distance - he works in the company where XP is a director and has been threatened with having his job taken away if he doesn't do what XP wants! XP has also told DS1 he's cutting him off and wants nothing to do with him - he usually backtracks a few weeks later tho.

DD enjoys seeing XP and his family, loves his DC and wife, all good there, but the manipulation by XP is driving me nuts - this is his intention, no doubt.

I feel we all need counselling because of this situation which is so unnecessary - I can see all this abuse and manipulation is causing harm to DC but dont know what to do?

what he sounds like a nightmare! No real advice, other than to offer my support and suggest you rise above it all and not lower yourself to his level - easier said than done!

What makes me cross about my situation is that no one knows what the FW is really like. I defriended him on facebook but we still have a few mutual friends that can see what I post and are obviously feeding info back to him. His friends don't know that he's a bully and a tyrant. That he was bloody horrible to my DSs and treated them by either criticising them or ignoring them.

No one knows how he would ignore me for days and have a go at me for texting all the time!!

That makes me cross! I want to tell everyone the real truth!

Hello what xx will women's aid or the cab help finding you someone. The cab are amazing. Sounds awful, when you leave you expect to be free! Xx

Hello all, hope you don't mind but I'm going to document fw behaviours to try and dissociate. As predicted I am now being ignored because he called me a silly little cow for no reason on Christmas Eve and allegedly can't remember? Sounds nothing but it is. I pulled him up on it, so yesterday was sorrowful pleading, today is ignoring. I'm betting he will be funny with my relatives when they come round and tomorrow will be grumpy / nasty.

Anyone else notice their fw having a cycle ?

Thank you for your replies Louby and Daisee - I've found over a long period of time that XP asks my DC what I'm doing and uses that against me - anything to do with my business, the house, car, job etc. This time he said I should stop writing crap on Mumsnet and get a proper job or write a novel!! All mixed up info he's got from my kids... Last email conversation we had, I told him I wasn't discussing my income/pension/housing plans with the kids so he wouldn't know what my plans were! He seemed surprised. I can't tell DC not to talk to him when he asks what I'm doing - I have nothing to hide, but I know he'll use it against me sooner or later. He's so manipulative and its difficult not to get drawn in... I've considered giving 'false' information, but that wouldn't be fair on DC, would it?

what, I don't know, your dc are quite old. Can you not ask them to be non-committal or say they don't wish to discuss you when he asks, as it is not appropriate for him to ask them. Especially the older ones, maybe it is important to learn they can draw boundaries and don't have to answer everything. Being able to say 'that is not really something I wish to discuss' to respect someone's wishes is appropiate, indeed, important, I would have thought.

Your dc have to respect your privacy, too, so maybe look at it in those terms.

Yep daiseehope I could predict how each day would be, depending on what was due to happen

Morning FW watchers! Today's mood sponsored by Heineken is grumpy quiet with occasional nasty comments. Forecasts seem to show that with festive alcohol the mood may darken... Who else is worried?

I hope your mood is bright and breezy and looking forward to the company of others in the hope of diluting the FW

Seriously though, hope you can ignore his grumpiness and have an inner chuckle at the nasty comments (play bingo in your head - even better if you can predict it before it comes!!). It kept me sane anyway.

Happy New Year to everyone. will almost certainly be back later as I'm on my ownsome lonesome tonight

Happy New Year everyone. I am a longtime lurker, very occasional poster (so longtime I remember WWIFN, and more recently, when Leclerc was Hildebrand). It's 2014 where I am already and one way or another, this will be the year I break free of my shackles. There are extenuating circumstances (aren't there always!?) but I will be back with my story in the next few days.

Wishing you all a peaceful, FW-free (or at least low-grade manageable FWittery) tonight, and an extension of same into 2014.

light sending you positive vibes to break free this year :). I remember hildebrand but you've lost me on ?WWIFN. Yes circumstances are always tough, but we'll be here for your story when you're able to share. Good luck. X