Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I have a feeling new man is playing me which is part of the reason I believe my blip with the ex happened. Thing is I don't know if its me being paranoid or he really he's backed off. The first couple of weeks he used to call on days we didn't see eachother. It now seems to have disintegrated into a bit of an email relationship and even they are shorter and more " friend like"

Was out last night so nothing at all, just a short email now when he got in from work in reply to my earlier one and no mention of calling me later. It's ridiculous and quite hurtful. Feel like I've been led up the garden path, or maybe I'm just too needy and paranoid?

dearjackie it is not about you - it is about them.
it may well be how new is too.
someone out there will not think it is too needy or that you are paranoid. and if you approach them with it (which I think you should) they should not get cross at you but in fact they should comfort you. I guess that is the way to know whether new guy is FW

I don't think I can ask questions like that after such a short time as he will think I'm pressurising him. Thing is I shouldn't really be worrying or feeling like this at this stage should I? I feel it in my gut something is different, it's ridiculous that we are just emailing and he's not calling. I'm not going to email anymore or rarely anyway.

I hate feeling like this, I think my problem is I can't work out if there's a justifiable reason for it or its me being over sensitive after last relationship, in which case I'd be like it with anyone until we'd really got to know eachother

God I am truly messed up. I'm overthinking everything with regard to new man then I've got ex trying to get my back after I was stupid enough to sleep with him. He is persistent in what he wants too. It would be so easy to slip back. If only new man were more persistent it would definately keep me away because I would prefer a relationship with him

I think you have heard for a long time (I don't know how long) the things which are deemed 'negative'. Now it is your time to turn those things which Ex-FW has been hard on you for. Take the emotion and think of the opposite but the same. I was taught this in CBT, to change the negative thought process.
Like my FW calls me aggressive - I say determined
FW says I am too loud - I say I am forthright
He says I am too needy I say FU, HA! I say I am caring and only expect a normal amount of attention.

Maybe try this, maybe give yourself this time to work out what your negatives are. Because it is not actually you saying them, it is someone in your history/past who has instilled this opinion into you in my case my mother and the FW

But what is it inside me that makes me panic because someone doesn't call? Is it just my insecurity?

I think that is for you to find out. it could be hard journey but you may get to learn your triggers. but do not be hard on yourself. if others have not been easy on you then it is down to you to be kind to you (sorry if that's a bit preachy).
I think form others have said that is how as the abused we then walk into a similar situation because we haven't worked out how to show self-respect.
I know that it is not since someone has been such a FW to me that I learnt how to look after myself.

Can I just add that ex didn't behave that way, he was never cool, always consistent in attention for 4 yrs. he was just EA in other ways. So the insecurity in this hasn't come from him

doesn't mean your confidence can't be knocked in other maybe more subtle ways.
I vote for booking a massage, beneficial for mind and body and also time out from thinking but then I am 75% hippy xx

sounds good to me x

If only new man were more persistent it would definately keep me away because I would prefer a relationship with him

Jackie it is possible to be single and happy! You seem to need to have a man chasing you to feel okay. Then any man is better than none and an abusive/unavailable/disinterested man can fill the void that actually is part of the gap between your last crappy relationship and the good one you could choose to have.

Could you just STOP waiting for these men (old and new) to get in touch and make you feel better? Go with the insecurity and the anxiety of being on your own and grow to love it? Choosing things for yourself, making decisions about your life, being sociable or being solitary by choice. Then when you are feeling stronger and proud of your independence (like me and Silver the old gimmers that we are) you will be ready to audition suitably fabulous men for the privilege of being your boyfriend.

kouign I understand that it might seem that way but . It's not quite like that, I don't have to have a man to be happy. I actually quite enjoyed myself after ex left. Then I met new man and he was nice, we had fun, I grew to like him a lot. Then I became like this, a wreak of worry and paranoia, scared of getting hurt again.I'm really just trying to establish if there's justifiable cause because he's not behaving right or its me being unfair and he's just doing what any normal man does.

I do not want to be like this with everyone and I'm fearful I might iyswim

Just checking in. I've paid the fees for my new place :), and I'm looking forward to being on myself. I have a benefits check next week, so I'm hoping to get some help. :)

Now for the bad, P has been mr. Very Nice. :( Which is worrying me, he's never this good. I do wonder if this will stay like this for a while, probably not. He's banished the MIL from our house, (she lives on the driveway and is always buzzing about) so she's pissed at me.

I have work tomorrow.

Breathe, I wish I could say something helpful, but I didn't experience anything like the amount of pressure you've had from the FW in your life. Mine travelled quite a bit and when he was home I found it fairly easy not to be in the same room as him most of the time. (Just as well, given the amount of stress that I felt after any conversation with him.) Hope you can break out of there sooner rather than later.

Jackie, I think what new man is doing is backing off. I think this is fairly ok while the relationship is still new - you're at a testing-the-waters stage where commitment is fairly low and you're just seeing if you have the seeds for something long-term. If he's cooling off, he could be gradually deciding this isn't for him. In which case, it's not an insult to you, just for some reason it doesn't feel right to him.

The thing is, there's nothing you can do to make his decision for him, so use this as an opportunity to back off gracefully and make it easy for him. (There's even a chance that if you do that, he'll realise he misses you more than he expected - but you must be prepared to accept if this doesn't happen!)

Don't worry too much about your feelings of panic and so on. They just tell you you like this guy and you don't want it to end just yet. That's useful information, if you like, but you don't have to act on your feelings.

Jackie don’t beat yourself up, lovely, this is just a blip, a step in your recovery. It’s OK! Put the stick down (as my counsellors says)
pony my lovely thank you so much. You are always such an amazing support to everyone. You’ve helped me so much, many many times. Xxx

Kouign I hope your lemon drizzle is doing well in your little house Thank you for your kind words. I have given it with both barrels a number of times but he won’t accept it. It’s very stressful but, as I told him, although it’s hell now, I’m actually happier than I have been for years because I’m me again. He didn’t like that a lot . I find the pressure and the guilt quite hard to beat off but I am miles away from him mentally now and there is no going back.
Colin I’m so sorry you are feeling so low . He has hurt you very badly. But keep holding on to those flashes of happiness, they will get bigger and bigger, until they are the main thing. Xxx

Charlotte thank you for your words. They reminded me that this is him, not me, IYSWIM. He is threatening anything he can think of (aside from physical violence, which he has now realised will cause me to pick up phone and dial 999 and it’ll all be over – so he can be rational when he needs to – I mean, obviously I am glad there’s no physical fear, thank God!, but it shows he could have controlled himself before and that makes me very angry)

A whole night and no arguing. He has left me alone to go to bed. I had dinner at a friends and apart form a snide comment or two, nothing.
just a moment of peace is wonderful
I dropped the kids off at nursery to do and had intended to do some work but I had a bath and went to bed for 2 hours. it was bliss!!!
dinner was friends with friends with wonderful but I think I am tired tonight what with the last 7 days and felt a little bad that I had just talked about myself but they had some good advice and could see more of what I have been going through. now I know why my best friend has not stepped a foot into our house for nearly a year.

Colin seriously if you are as low as you sound, it sounds as if you may have tipped over into depression. GP visit is what I would recommend.

jackie it's often recommended that after leaving an EA relationship one eschews men for at least a year, to reconnect with yourself properly, and heal.

KA I've seen you on other threads without knowing who you were :) I had to laugh at the Hollywood ending your FW may (or may not) have had in mind. "FW makes his speech. Close up of KA. A tear trembles in her eye. Cut to FW - he opens his arms. KA - tear finally drops. Swelling music. FW sweeps KA up in his arms."

Or not

I think there is a point about drama, the highs and the lows of being with a FW, the constant tension, which take a while to get out of your system. Normal life is steady, it is more predictable, more peaceful.

Oh god, what do I do? Other man is ok he has sent lovely message before work saying he misses the old us and let's be gentle on eachother and have a lovely weekend. Now ex has phoned and is asking if I ended it with new man and is getting irate. I'm terrified he will tell him by turning up at my door. Why oh why was I stupid enough to sleep with him?

inthequietcoach I think this is a good point. You do get used to the emotional rollercoaster of your life with a FW. Maybe you do even learn to enjoy the adrenaline. I look forward to not preparing myself for his return home from work, mentally and physically. The day I know he cant walk into my home will be a good day (probably with some tears).
for months I begged FW to take kids to nursery not understanding why I have to go if I have to get ready for work.
He has skipped off into the sunset with the kids saying "I can take them for you" (FOR ME?!?!) So I am slowly getting ready for work wondering how long this 'Prince Charming' act will last for before he shouts at me 'don't you see what I am doing for you' fingers crossed it lasts until I leave!!!! Spent last night with friends planning stuff to do. Looking forward to college on Saturday - something to take my mind off the last 14 days.

Silver I was horribly aware that could be his agenda and got away quickly!

jackie just send XP a short message saying it was all a mistake and you want no further contact, then ignore ignore ignore. You can do this!

and tweedle YY to the calmness of life on the outside.
For months after I met DP I was bracing myself for his anger when I broke something or told him something disappointing. Guess what? Nothing but sympathy and concern because he is normal! Thank god.

I met with someone from WA on Monday great chat, confirming some things, but still not so sure. I just cannot really think that my best option is to move out lock stock and barrel, and essentially go into hiding, when I think I might rent a flat or similar for a month, write a note saying I am having a midlife crisis and need to go 'find myself' blah blah and I just don't see myself able to function effectively in his life anymore blaming myself for a failure of character and saying that the kindest thing I can do for him is to get out of his life so he can find someone else. I know that leaves the door open, a bit, but I really think the situation would be so much easier if it were his idea to leave!! or more specifically for me to leave!!! and he could think himself relieved that I got out of his life before I became an aged boring graying overweight liability to him with wonky hips (sorry for being image-ist but those are things he says to me and with all respect to myself it's not true at all). And he has said to me recently that he has stayed with me out of a sense of obligation (eh??) so I perhaps could (gently) restate that to him and say that I am now happy to relieve him of the burden. I have no idea if he would turn violent in such a situation! I suppose he could offer to change but I'd rather he didn't change, I just want to be rid of him. I feel guilty for that, even if he became 'nice' I just don't fancy him and our relationship has always been based around me filling his needs, supporting his career, supporting his belief in himself that he's the most brilliant thinker... I just don't want it anymore! Waaa. Sorry for the rant.

I have arranged to do something with friends tomorrow night. (Stupidly of course, no wonder I don't usually do anything) I bought a ticket so don't want to cancel, it's not unmissable but I want to go. I just dread telling H. I am really noticing this now on this occasion because of the heightened awareness I have now... but it doesn't actually help me handle the situation. As usual, it is lose-lose: either I tell him and he is angry and I go anyway, or I tell him and he is angry and I don't go as a result. OR there is a third way... I could just not tell him at all, apologize to friends and not go in which case I'll feel resentful of course, and lose the ticket money.

or a fourth way: leave tonight and not come back! But am unprepared. I really want to bring the cat with me and I don't think he will appreciate living in the car until I find a temporary home. Planning needed!

The only loss in your first outcome, thats, is his temper. To draw the sting of him being angry, you may have to accept that he will be angry, but why the hell should that affect what you do? You could plan an answer like "you seem angry, nevertheless I am going out with friends tomorrow" The usual rinse and repeat - no explanations, no justifying.