Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Not read the article, need to keep my blood pressure down! But implying its a working class issue is incredibly disrespectful and classist. For more reasons than I can list.

They'd find my FW in a nice office, well dressed, well spoken, intelligent. One of his employers' up-and-coming youngish managers. He wouldn't be in a working men's club. What a load of rubbish.

Excellent rant, arth!

MuffCakes, he sounds dreadful to me. :(

arth depressing reading about the cuts. Interesting reading though about coercive control with respect to the law. I find the idea of 'domestic violence champions' stalking working men's clubs and factory floors a bit ludicrous- shouldn't women's services be priority?

I wish H would just go away. Reading about the escalation when they leave just scares me, perhaps a reason for my inertia. Wish he would just decide he'd had enough and tell me to get out. I had a whole day of being told off for not doing things right (toast not buttered right, raked leaves wrong, then HE left lighter on top of wood burning stove, it exploded and he blamed it on me because I hadn't moved it... I saw it but didn't really register but is that MY FAULT?) and when I challenged him he told me to stop shouting at him then he put his fingers in his ears, he does this often when I try to talk to him. I really think he has no idea that I would leave him or that I even want to.

Hullo

Sorry to not have caught up on everyone... just wanted to pop in to have a little chat and ask for some hand holding...Things came to a head this week (after the worst birthday on record) and last night I broke things off. Think I'm still in shock. His response was 'ok'. He then proceeded to thank me for 'the good times' and that was it. It was like I was telling him I didn't want a cup of tea anymore. I left and went to have a bath and realised (while thinking wow am I so awful he doesn't even care 2 hoots about me leaving) that he was probably just trying to provoke me into being emotional and asking why he doesn't care, or didn't even ask why I wanted to leave etc etc, like a normal person would. Either that or he thought I was bluffing..

Well anyway, I decided to not give him the satisfaction for once. I was calm, I didn't yell or cry or anything (so proud of myself). I just started to pack up my things. This morning he got up and just said he was going to the office and asked if I could leave my key, no goodbye-nothing! I said ok. So as soon as he was gone I packed up my car and just left!! I am free!

But I still feel pretty awful.. I think I thought leaving would make me feel instantly better.. I have to go back for the rest of my things next week but my friend is going to come too. Am dreading it.

I think just after reading how everyone else's FW's try to win them back etc I feel like mine just doesn't even give a crap! (and I know, I know, I don't want to be with him.... but it still hurts )

albie well done don't look back. Maybe consider it a lucky escape that he doesn't seem to be playing games but watch out, a lot of people seem to have the experience of ex-fw making contact afterwards. Turn your hurt to anger and stay strong! And enjoy your freedom!

freedom starts next week... its the final countdown....de de de derrrrr de de de de derrrr

My new house will be ready for occupation (waiting for the gardeners to finish). I am beyond excited. Im currantly living in 'the family' home while while HE plays victim at his mums around the corner. Hes too close, he 'pops' round, if he annoys me and I ignore his calls he comes round instead

Got all the finances sorted out, he gave me my half of the christmas money we had been saving, after a 3 day battle that is. He was financially abusive also.

All the extended family & friends now know, everyone has been amazing and I have been given so many things for my house by generous people- I am ever so grateful!

This new freedom is strange, I find myself stuck in old ways, reluctant to spend money (im not used to having any!), buying the same things at the shops (even though I dont eat them), having the house spotless before 6 (even though no one is going to come home and shout at me).
Its very exciting:D and just slightly scary

albie for me it's the 3 day peace rule we split up I hear nothing for 3 days an then he starts a campaign to get me back. Don't think your off the hook yet it's when you get happy they can sense it.

Thanks for reading my list and support yesterday, my heads been a bit pickled until I spoke with my lovely neighbor who knows what he's like, she's reminded me of a 100 more things to add to the list and she said something that struck a nerve, does he ever stress and think about of he's the problem and if he can change things will be fine I know he doesn't and it seems very unfair. Anyway the lovely lady really has strengthened my resolve to never go back.

Good morning everyone . I wanted to say hi as I have been lurking. I live with a twunt . I can't really write much at mo. He's in room, but let's just say his behaviour s have upped a gear. To add to the loveliness my MIL and BIL are here staying. He is being nice at mo, but they leave soon. He behaved awfully on Saturday after a lovely night out but because they arrived Sunday it's festered. I can tell we're about to enter the "nice" phase, do I even bother discussing Saturday? Seems to me these EA partners won't listen and my upset might feed his ego. What do you think? Thanks xxxxx

Hello Albie, you give me hope. Good luck xx

Don't bother discussing Saturday, IMHO, daisee. Let go of it, this should stop the festering, and think of it as an exercise in detachment. Do you have any sort of plan in the back of your mind?

albie mine didn't give a crap either - I have never been hoovered, I did that myself with false hope! We both wanted to split, mine wanted to wave a magic wand and suddenly have half our money. I had to do all the leg work and thinking for the divorce and settlement. (Thank goodness! though it was stressful, I managed to keep the house) Will you have all that stuff to sort?

Hello Silvery . I think you're right, I'm currently living in his house (in name) but am saving. My escape fund would currently buy me and my kids some chips lol.

Sorry to post again but I had to vent. Now he's being pleasant. I can't f... stand pleasant.

daisee well done for posting. One step at a time. The links at the start of the thread are very interesting. They can help with your detachment from the situation.
Big love to all the ladies here.
Been at my brothers for the weekend. Also spent time with my Mum which was slightly marred by her narcissism but I swallowed it down though at one point telling her that she needed to stop making it about her. And I wonder why I am drawn to narcissistic people. People who you have to LOOK for the good in (it should be plain obvious!!!)
albie my FW started by saying he didn't care, it was fine, better it be over. But has spent the last 2 weeks trying to "talk me round" by telling me I am mentally ill and that I will fail out in the "big bad world" on my own. HA! SO far, being without him in that world has been pure bliss, if a little emotional due to the grieving process.
I have 5 weeks left of living here before Christmas. Then 2 weeks at home, a weekend away with friends for new year (the good thing about a narcissist for a mother is she wants to ANYTHING to help you as long as you don't mind hearing about it for 3 years after) then home then 12 days till I move!!!
Gee whizz it actually seems like it might be possible to get out of this.

Thanks tweedle, narcissism looks possible IMHO.

Thats did you say you started your new job today? Good luck!

Muffcakes am so sorry that you have been through all that. Look how long your list of awful, awful things is. And your 'good stuff' list is very short - in fact, it's stuff that should be a given in a relationship, not a bonus.

Thanks pony

I e just remembered one of the most hurtful things he done, he left me the evening before my birthday, packed his bags while I was crying my eyes out and moved out. We had the day planned had took the day off work, we was going out and he started an argument while I was at my mums and when I got home he started properly and then left. What sort of man does that?

I've also had to ring the police when he kept on and on and wouldn't let me sleep as he was shouting at me hours and hours. I had to be up at 6 and 3am I was explaining to the police why I had rung them as he fucked off when he realised I really did do it.

Or the time he took a picture of his nob on my phone, I forgot about it he forgot about it and then he went through my phone and wouldn't believe me it was his, he left me for that to.

Thinking about it I'm really happy he has his own place now really really really happy. Need to stop listening to him and feeling like its me and my fault.

I also feel like I need other people to validate how awful he is and if it is him, really quite weak with that.

Hello [Muffcakes] , it's funny how you suddenly remember things that are really grim that your brain filed away.

Hi daisy, I need write it down for when he's being nice and I start slipping back.

It's so worse when they're in pleasant mode!

muff my FW doesn't act anything like he does alone with me when people are around. the other day when he was shouting at me about how I was mentally ill, I rang my parents house phone and let it run so they could hear. no one has ever heard except me so people say things like "well, its normal to argue a little bit in relationships" which is what FW says and these statements from him and others made me doubt my own mind.
but when my parents heard the way he was talking to me, they said it was not ok. not just because they are protective of me, but because IT IS NOT OK!!!
The experience he is creating is one of havoc, paranoia and 2nd guessing your own mind. Life is not supposed to be like that, apparently.

Hi tweedle do you feel more believed now there's been proof? I don't mean your parents never believed you before but now they really know what your on about and why your leaving.

It's a shame that we feel we have to prove we're not the bad ones in this.

albie well done I think from looking at various expereinces on here colin and jackie being good examples, this is anotehr type of FW behaviour. they ignore you in the hope you will come running back in a few weeks at which point they can extract an apology from you and get you to promise nmot to be so daft in future, thus gaining more ground. but when/if you don't conform to their expectations, they eventually pop back into your life and expect you to swoon with gratitude. when you don't fall at their feet they will then call you for all sorts.

so don't let your guard slip. a FW is always a FW. pray that it is true and he has seen that you deserve better but suspect that it is not. but leave him him anyway

tweedle getting there. not long now the weeks are ticking down.

killpeppa the adjutment does takwe a while but it sounds so much better already. enjoy your new freedom.

Freedom flowers all round (I currently have the most enormous bunch of mixed orange spray carantions, red roses and gypsophila- tough week with the dcs I figured I deserved them. that is almost a year now with barely a day without flowers in the house to remind me it will all be ok.
I have taken the chance to get arrangements for xmas sorted out etc. (i still know he will somehow make it all about him and all my fault but at least this way it should be minimal)

thats hope the job is going well. don't let him take the shine off it for you because I bet he will try- spend your first wage on some really noisy shoes

muff What sort of man does that? are you seeing my FWx? he once took me out on valentines day- to dump me. really, drove all the way to the beach for a romantic walk, parked the car and said 'look I really don't see what I get out of this' (one of his catchphrases)

I really don't know how I live without him.
he has now worked out what he was getting out of it though- free bed and board, cooked meals, the use of my phone, internet etc. and quite a lot of sex (never enough obviously), a baby sitting service and an agony aunt.

I think they always disliked him and knew that I was telling the truth but I do think they always thought it wasn't maybe as extreme as I described (growing up I had a reputation as a drama queen - FW plays on that, I stupidly told him) I feel better that there are people standing behind me and willing to help me out.
He tells me a lot that I should be able to "fight my own fights" and not "rely on other people" but actually being on my own just gives him more opportunity to bully me.
As soon as my dad spoke to FW (as I needed help to defuse the situation) he turned back into what he really is, a coward who bullies women when he thinks no one is watching. Now as soon as I realised that I saw his weakness. I felt stronger instantly.
I guess hearing other people say - yes, he is bullying you. Made me feel backed up. it is not wrong to be backed up by people. We do not have to go through this life alone in a FW-bubble of confusion.
muff my list is this

told me he didn't think I was carrying his baby

got cross with me when at 6 months pregnant I didn't want to a night club.

constantly bullying me into doing things which I am uncomfortable with - playing on the fact that I am a nice person who doesn't want to be seen as creating unnecessary drama by disagreeing.

telling me off for not disagreeing and being too nice a person.

bullied me into moving into a skanky flat when pregnant

refused to give me any money for 3 years even though I bought all the food, my sons clothes, paid all the utilities and the car insurance
criticised me for using my own money to buy myself clothes

bullied me into quitting my job because it was affecting his work

shouted at me because I left my job and we had no money

refused to let me work again because it was not ambitious enough

has not hovered/washed/cleaned/got off his arse then moans that I am not very good at cleaning

threw a glass of water over me because my "words disgusted him"

said he wouldn't marry me because of my attitude

pulled the duvet so hard across the bed one night (as I had it all) that I had a huge friction burn on neck, when I told him how horrid he was he told me not to be so sensitive and it was MY fault for having all the duvet.

bullied me into sex on a very regular basis

absolutely nothing is his fault, I am the PROBLEM in ALL situations. i am closer to the behaviour of a child in his eyes, more so than my kids. the list may seem petty to some but it is so constant, so on-going, so wearing that i am exhausted by his logic and constant hammering at my head. in some ways i am lucky (actually not at all, but by comparison) he is not violent but i do honestly feel, given time, a few more years, he could be. it was heading that way.
accidental long post. good to get some of that out!!!

mrsmink please take him back then the Vday trip sounds something FW would do to. And then expect you to be grateful he took you out for Vday.

tweedle I am nicking this bit of your list for mine absolutely nothing is his fault, I am the PROBLEM in ALL situations. i am closer to the behaviour of a child in his eyes has really hit another nail on my head! And I don't see it as being petty at all. It does sound very draining.

More for my list,

He has rung my DM up to moan about me and my princess shit (maybe my princess shit is like your drama queen tweedle) but my DM was not having none of it. He has then rung my lovely nanny up on a few occasions moaning at me and putting his side across to her trying to get her on his side. Even my nan now calls him the prick

He hasn't moaned directly at me for cleaning or cooking but he talks about his mum and her food and house, for example he says things like my mums cakes are better as she creams the butter and sugar by hand so its harder for her to bake then you muff. well go eat your mums cakes and leave me alone then not anything to awful but put downs all the time even little still hurt. Its dig dig dig

tweedle Is there any chance he would go stay with a friend for a bit? Is there not anything you could reason with him to do this?

not really sadly. he is "STAYING IN THIS HOUSE!" (yes he shouted that in my face)
He is devoid of reasoning. I am the problem, therefor I caused this problem and by staying away in any capacity he is admitting he is part of 'my problem'. FWittery to the MAX!