Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 27

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Muff very much agree about it being worse when they're in nice mode.

Tweedle the head fucks are how they trap us and keep us prisoner. I'm glad you felt validated by your parents but obviously I'm so sorry you had to go through that yet again. It's very familiar script to mine.

My fw is now playing the cant live without you card, in other words if I leave him I'm killing him in some way. Being quite a gentle person like I suspect all of us are, I am taking this to heart despite my own good sense telling him to FOTTFSOF.

mink more flowers for you and for everyone on here. I love that you have had flowers in the house constantly as a reminder. Hope you have a better week.

Hello, lovelies. Am just popping in to skim read as I have been setting up a blog. Thinking of it as therapy - it's all going to be memories. Now I can drone on to my heart's content without worrying about taking over the thread. I've blogged before, but years ago; am quite excited to be starting up again!

charlotte send me your blog details as I am doing the same thing something in black and white is essential so I can know it from my point of view too.
this morning, after being nothing but nice, sitting in the lounge together (no actual words spoken) I got up this morning to cuddles from my son who now comes and cuddles me on the sofa first thing. and seems very proud that I sleep downstairs, genuinely a massive grin on his face.
I got the kids ready, made pleasantries with FW and then got accused of mistreating him, being rude, not normal etc. etc. HA! he shouted me out of this house with the kids and then carried on when I got home. Good job I am staying away tonight.
Today I realised how I have not noticed the start of the bullying. His behaviour is the same as when we were together. But there is definitely a build up to it. Thank go I am detached. I hope others can get here and I hope I stay here - in detachment land. looking into his dark, twisted world from my green pastures full of bouncing happy lambs and butterflies. Haha!

Good morning [tweedle] and everyone else. Thanks for welcoming me on to the board. It is so nice to discover that I am not mad, nor alone. Last night we moved onto Stage 3 of cycle, known to me as Croc Tears time. I faced him down after he had not even had the decency to apologize.. Lol he reckons he can't remember pressurising me for sex and calling me frigid etc... Tears flowed, he's so sorry. Bullocks.

Hi all you fantastic people
Just wanted to thank you all for this thread. I came on briefly a few weeks ago and discovered that my ex had been emotionally abusive towards me throughout our relationship. It was like a light going out inside me. Luckily for me he was already working away through the week and I was able to finish a nine-year marriage over the phone (don't even feel bad after the crap he put me through). So far he has persisted with trying to make me feel bad, maintaining that he would have tried harder if he had only know how bad it was, etc etc (tried a few times to get out before but he always managed to keep me there). My best friend is beyond happy for me, as are most people I know. The main problems I'm having are panic attacks (I have ADHD and struggle to do anything organised, and the panic attacks happen when I have to do anything like shopping, or forms), and the fact that FW is continually trying to tell me I'm being unreasonable over access to DCs, etc. I'm already on antidepressants but am going to talk to the GP about the panic attacks as they are a new thing and very hard to deal with! I'm not great at consistently posting on forum threads but just wanted to say, anyone who has contributed to this thread, you have helped me enormously by affirming what I (mostly) know to be true about my ex's behaviour. Thank you

seeds that's lovely that you've gained strength from the thread. It's so sad that any of us needs it, but it's great that it's here for those of us who do! It's been a life saver for me over the last couple of years and has helped me see the world right, rather than being in the fw parallel universe!

Hello. I have lurked here on and off for a while and did post as MixedMama once. I would like to rejoin if that is ok. I posted separately in relationships under 'Please Help Me See Clearly'. I am coming to a point now where I think I need to be somewhere where I can ongoingly shout and cry if that is ok.

I have been looking up counsellor's today but am not really sure what I am looking for and have checked Women's Aid. I am finding it difficult to describe my H as 'abusive' in the traditional sense but feel an intense need to get out.

Sorry all a bit rambling, I am a bit in pieces today.

hello all
I am now out of EA relationship.. 2 weeks down the line so am try to "recover" from it and need to stay strong and counteract the "pull" ...
AnneWentworth, sorry you are having bad day.. Definitely go for counselling.. the intense need to get out is happening for a reason, the fight or flight response and you are now in "flight" mode...

I have just spent the morning looking up what sort of help I might be entitled to if we do go. It is more than I thought as I work, albeit part time. It would make it feasible and also mean that I wouldnt have to ask DH for maintenance. I just cant see how he would live suffciently to see the DC if he had to give me money and I assume he would buy things for them etc if they needed it.

Can I just ask, it seems a lot of you are out of your relationships/almost out they are aware you are going etc. How long did it take you to actually break away? Has anyone had an amicable separation?

AWW
I had amicable (ish) separation with exH took me 2 yrs to decide to divorce him. exP has taken me 2 yrs to break away and not amicable...
you could make a free half hour appointment with solicitor to see how you stand financially?
hard as it is, how he manages financially wont be your problem and i wouldnt count on him buying them anything.. you are entitled to his maintenance. how my dc do you have?

I know, but I want him to be able to live so he can be a positive influence in the (3) DSs lives. I don't want him to have to live in a bedsit and them not be able to spend time with him there. I know many people will say he shouldnt have access anyway, but at the moment I am trying to work out how best to make it as painless as possible for everyone.

Anne if you tr and 'organise' things for your DH, you will just be putting yourself into his continued control. You can only sort out your own arrangements and those for the DCs, and be reasonable in discussions about contact (although FWs and reasonable don't usually appear in the same sentence together...)

I know it's really really hard to fully detach though. After I left I was half in half out for about six horrible months during which time he used my own good nature and concern for him to manipulate me as much as he could.

WA is an excellent first port of call, and yes a free half-hour with a solicitor - WA could help with ones in your area are recommended in abuse cases?

Maom the 'pull' is really difficult to resist, but you are out, that's fantastic!

Badseeds they all tell us we are being unreasonable. for you. Have you seen a solicitor yet?

• had a guess this thread might be of use to you and had been thinking of PMing to that effect. It takes a long time to heal fully but the process is very quick to start happening. The usual advice on here is to spend a year just reconnecting with yourself, to weather the emotional rollercoaster, and to watch out for a possible six month blip.

Hello everybody, I would also like to say thanks for giving support through all the messages you post here. After being hateful he is now being sorrowful. I want to strangle him. How could anyone try to force you into sex and then weep, wail, plead forgiveness and claim he doesn't remember?

Pony girl, thanks - no I don't have any money, we are both seeing a mediation service (despite him continuing to try to convince me we can work it out ourselves!).

doesn't remember? hmmm....

I do remember someone saying that to me daisee [VERY convincingly]

really sorry for that suffering

Bad sorry you have these things to face, the word on mediation is that its not suitable for DV /DA situations? Its no surprise he would prefer you work it out yourselves continue the way its always been/his way

Fairy, ooh that's interesting, I did outline my concerns with the mediator on my own and said that although I believe the relationship has been emotionally abusive I'd rather not discuss this in mediation. He has been trying to get me to give specific reasons (so he can try to argue with them) but I'm not engaging with it. He did manage to get it out of me that I've met someone else, because he put me on the spot and I'm a crap liar; but I'm secure in the knowledge that I said and did nothing to this other person before ending my marriage (unlike FW!) and just need to keep reminding myself that it's now none of his business anyway. He also keeps trying to make me feel bad that I've left him in a crap situation job and housing wise. Admittedly I do feel bad that I'm upsetting another human being, but after the shitty way he has treated me, I have no sympathy.

And yes I know what you mean about working it out 'ourselves' - or rather, to suit HIM! Manipulative twunt. I told him I needed support in order to deal with things (him) because of my ADHD etc. He just keeps saying he would never have done anything to hurt me etc etc. At one point he actually said "I'm not trying to manipulate you into staying"!!

Hi all, hope you don't mind me butting in but I wanted to ask a couple of questions. Do EAers always do it on purpose or can it be behaviour they're totally unaware of doing? Also can it come and go, as in be very sporadic, and in that case is it something other than EA? And finally, is it possible to stand up to EA and remain in the relationship? I'm trying to ascertain if certain behaviour is worrying or not. Thank you.

Argh sorry to post again really not trying to make it into te muff thread but argh,

My dd told my nan she doesn't want to go round her dads house anymore as he always shouts and tells her off. He does he is the worst nag in the world it's very much do this do that pick that up don't leave that there all the time.

Also the last few times she hasn't wanted to go with him but I've talked her into it, the only reason she told me was that she wanted to be home not there.

So when he randomly turnt up today I tried to speak about it and he lost his temper shouted that she's a liar and he doesn't give a shit if she wants to come around or not.

What a fucking dickhead

Look out I don't believe they're conscious of being a fw as anything that causes them to have to really see themselves makes them feel guilty which then gives way to more fw behaviour.

Hello lookout

Do EAers always do it on purpose or can it be behaviour they're totally unaware of doing?
That's an oft-asked question. They do it on purpose in the sense that they are doing it to get an outcome - their own way. But I don't think they always sit and plan and think 'I'll say this and do this'. It's more of an entitlement - they are entitled to behave a certain way to get what they want.

Also can it come and go, as in be very sporadic, and in that case is it something other than EA?
It always comes and goes. It is a cycle. If he was horrible to you all the time, you'd realise and leave. But the cycle includes him being lovely d nice, and you doubting yourself, letting your guard down again, only for him to go back to his normal self.

And finally, is it possible to stand up to EA and remain in the relationship?
That I cannot answer. I think it would be very very hard. I read the Beverley Engels book and it was useful in some respects. But as it says in the OP: The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
And if he is genuinely EA, then I think it would be very hard to turn things around.

I'm trying to ascertain if certain behaviour is worrying or not.
If you are worried - and you obviously are - then it is worrying behaviour. Do you wan to talk a little more about what's been going on?

Have you had a look through the links at the top of the page? You might get some useful information there. Also, the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why Does He Do That' is an illuminating read, but may not give you the answers you want.

ponygirlcurtis
it is definitely an 'entitlement' thing.
my stbEX feels like he is better than everyone else & they are 'lucky' to be in his presence or that he has 'time for them'

I was made to feel I should be 'grateful' he worked & paid the rent ect after I became a satm.
I was to feel 'lucky' to be with him as he is so desirable & would often tell me how often he was hit on in bars by other women.

He took my child tax credits and child benefit from my account & I should feel 'grateful' he was looking after our finances. he partied & I couldnt even afford to get the bus, I would have to ask him for ONE POUND! to go to the local mums and tots

I am now about to move out of the house where I have been in so much pain in & looking forward to setting up my own little nest with my sons.

I certainly never seen myself being treated this way 3 years ago when we met, and I definitely didnt think I would be a single mum to two under 2, starting a new life on benefits at 21.

I am now very happy in myself & when the time is right for a relationship to come into my life that will happen when I am ready. I have my whole life ahead of me to meet someone who loves and respects me the way I should be. I am stronger than I ever thought I was & all the reasons I stayed in this relationship have melted away.

My confidence will slowly return but the scars will take a while to fade.

good luck everyone else.

Womens Aid are looking for the experiences of women in /out of DV and what, if any, dificulties are faced in getting out, dealing with court, support for children, via the services that we come into contact with during those processes... Is the experience good, does it help women, or notsomuch!

Its explained better on the WA website forum