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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

537 replies

Alchemist · 02/11/2013 17:50

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alchemist · 17/12/2013 07:03

H had the dcs over the weekend and on Sunday night I was putting dcs stuff in the wash when I found a black lacy bra and knickers set. Quite nice actually. Not mine, DD, DS or H's. \I spent a very satisfying 10 minutes chopping the fucking things up. I know he has an OW (still denying) but I don't want to see things like that. Either by accident or design, it still hurts. One thing is that the dcs didn't meet this woman or I would know. They would not be able to keep that in.

Had a few tears, dyed my hair quite a vibrant red, wrapped all presents (all displacement but still). I don#'t really know how I feel about this but I am not quite as broken. It still hurts though Sad.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 17/12/2013 18:41

The spineless fucker Skyped DCs as is ovewseas then asked to talk to me. He told me he is in love with Ms Frilly Knickers and wants us to divorce asap so they can be together properly. Told him to fuck off and swiytched off.

DCs are upstairs mucking around and I have to keep it together until they go to bed. I just want to scream. that fucker has ripped me and this family apart for the sake of his cock. I don't know what to do what can Ido/

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Original poster
Alchemist · 17/12/2013 18:42

AND a fucking bird shat on me today. BASTARDS.

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HowGoodIsThat · 17/12/2013 19:01

Shitey McShite. He waits to tell you over Skype? As an after thought from talking to his kids. He's a real prince among men, isn't he. Arse.

I thought that a bird shitting on you was lucky? At least its easily wiped of - if only the same could be done for your Shite-man.

You are not broken. He can not break you.

Original poster
Alchemist · 17/12/2013 20:05

I am beyond fury here. I honestly feel like howling, that would be the sounds of the emotions going through me. feel like I coulg just rip him ti pieces and fucking love it.

its just agony.

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HowGoodIsThat · 17/12/2013 20:10

Can you go outside and have a good scream at a tree? Or go into a shed and wilfully destroy something? SOunds like you need to give something a huge kick.

Original poster
Alchemist · 17/12/2013 20:16

DCs still up but would like to take a fucking hammer to his fucking precious Omega watch. I wom't though, I'll fucking sell it. I've never felt like this ever and I don't ever want to feel it again.

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BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2013 20:16

I hope the OW has read about the Red Flags - isn't one of the main ones to see how a man treats other women and his exes. Well if she's sitting by watching this she should be seeing red flags everywhere.

What an utter arse!

Skype?! FFS!! Angry

I'm so sorryhe's putting you through this what

Original poster
Alchemist · 17/12/2013 20:20

It's scary. I don't know how I would react if he were here in person. I think I would go for him. This is not me at all.

DCs were so happy to talk and see him. I want to scratch his eyes out.

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HowGoodIsThat · 17/12/2013 20:21

I guess the cat is finally out of the bag now, so to speak. You know what you are dealing with - you guessed as much in your original post.

Angry is good for now - it'll keep you fuelled.

He is SO an arse. An uber-arse. Enormo-arse.

Loggins · 17/12/2013 20:22

What a git. Have you got anything of his left in the house that you can smash/cut up?
Bloody Skype!? I tell him to sing for his divorce but being rational the sooner you are shot of him the better. I take it he'd agree that you can divorce him on the grounds of adultery then...tosser

HowGoodIsThat · 17/12/2013 20:22

I'm feeling like I'd like to scratch his eyes out and I don't know the arse.

FFS - they conform to the script time after time after time.

Minime85 · 17/12/2013 21:04

so sorry he is putting you through this. its good to get it all out though. when dcs gone to bed have a good scream. go to car and sit in there and do it.

just so heartless and undermines everything. I think you should get Christmas done and take stock of everything. dont decide anything about divorce with the rawness of emotion. go see a solicitor after Christmas and get some legal advice.

the most important thing now is you and the dcs. you will be ok. he may have broken you now but you will mend. you will be able to love again and smile and find happiness. dont let him have the satisfaction . Brew

Original poster
Alchemist · 18/12/2013 07:20

Thanks so much for replying. The GP gave me sleeping tablets a while ago, so I took one last night. I slept but am still raging. Plan to take DCs to school and I am off to the woods (pouring with rain) and I am going to have a walk and scream for an hour or two.

He is SO an arse. An uber-arse. Enormo-arse. This actually raised a grim smile.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 18/12/2013 07:27

Meant to say "pouring with rain which suits my mood". He will be skping the DCs but I will not physically see him until he collects DCs on Christmas eve and when he brings them back Chisstmas am.

Spineless, heartless bastard. Would quite like to kick him in the balls

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HowGoodIsThat · 18/12/2013 09:38

Glad you slept. Sleep helps.

I hope you are out have a good stompy walk and a rage.

Then you can crack on with formulating a Plan.

Original poster
Alchemist · 21/12/2013 19:16

How can I ever trust anyone again? I ean, I trusted him and was proved to be very wrong. The very thought of ever opening up to someone again is making me shake. I am questioning all relationships I have and I feel mad and paranoid. I don't trust me or my judgement.

It feels just like when he left. I don't want him and I mean that but it is killing me so I dnt understand why I am so upset.

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Minime85 · 21/12/2013 21:28

has anything triggered it today? its still so very raw and new. kids breaking up from school makes the reality of Christmas more real I think too. and what it means to be having Christmas in this new reality. I'm guessing you are same as me in just never thinking this would be your reality.

I just still hope he might turn around and say I got it all wrong I've been such an idiot.

instead I found myself crying with my two DDS earlier whilst he is out again!

I think we need to ride the bad days as best we can and I hope over time there will be more good than bad.

thinking of you and hope you manage to have some smiles with dcs over holidays Thanks

Original poster
Alchemist · 22/12/2013 05:55

Thanks Minime I don't think there is any one thing, just I suppose it is still early days. I find it incredible he has just walked away from us and thinks having the DC overnight makes him some sort of super dad. Over Christmas we had worked out he would have DC Christmas eve night and bring the DC to me for 11am, then DC and I set off for On My Side BIL's house for the day and night. H would then collect them Boxing Day and have them overnight. That's changed as he now has to drop them back BD night because "of work". It took me a few days gto get there but then realised I should have said "No matey, you will have to arrange your childcare instead of thinking I will pick up the slack".

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Original poster
Alchemist · 22/12/2013 06:04

Poor darling DS is really showing his emotions but not in a good way Sad.

I had to collect him from school because he told the teacher he had been sick (bit of a history, bullying and using the same routine to get out of school. That appears to be sorted now but strangely same boy who was bullying DS is being quite kind to him now, other boy's parents split a year ago). So when sickness didn't work he burst into tears and wet himself in class Sad. He told me he just wanted to be with me.

DD still cannot stand me because I won't let Daddy back. No amount of explaining or listening to her can make her change her mind but she still clings to me. I am a bit lost as to how to help them.

Finally, a bit of good news! Big Dog is coming today for just over a week. That has lifted this households spirits. As he is such a big dog he is able to cope with all the loving which gets showered on him Smile.

Thank you for letting me ramble Thanks.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 22/12/2013 06:07

Sorry! One last thing. MIL called me last week and "wants to see me and discuss the situation we are causing for her DS". Won't that be fun? She is coming today. I am aiming to be calm and cool but cannot guarantee that.

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myroomisatip · 22/12/2013 07:30

Sorry that things are hard for you :(

Why would you agree to meet your MIL? I know I wouldn't.

MissScatterbrain · 22/12/2013 08:00

Sorry things are still so hard - keep telling yourself this will pass. Its good that you are already learning fast that he has to organise his own childcare instead of messing you and DC around.

As for MIL - do not see her if you don't want to. Make it clear that HE is the one who is causing the situation, not you - fucking cheek.

ShedWood · 22/12/2013 08:56

I have to echo MissS, if your MIL starts to talk about the situation "you" have created, pull her up every time and say "NO, this situation was created because your son wanted to desert his family so he could have sex with another woman" broken record style until she gets it.

This is NOT your fault, please do not let anyone try and tell you that it is.

You need to reiterate repeatedly that you are horrified about the distress that your Ex is willing to put onto his children. Explain calmly and clearly that the self-soiling and tears are ALL of his doing, and if he was any sort of man he would sit his children down and explain that it was HIS choice to leave the family and that HE has let them down, rather than swan off with his OW and leave you to pick up the pieces.

Be strong OP, you can do this. Hold your head up high and remember you have been put in this sh*tty situation by your scumbag Ex and you are just as much a victim of his behaviour as his children (though you are very much not acting like a victim).

Cabrinha · 22/12/2013 09:07

Late to your thread but wanted to offer support.
WTF re MIL?
I say just be honest. Cry and rage and tell her that when you did your kids washing OW's sexy underwear was in there.
If she so much as suggests anything is your fault, show her the door, then bang it on her arse as it hits on her way out!

I saw my MIL the day ex told her we had split (which was 4 months later, and the day I moved into a new house, spineless git). I've chosen not to tell her that her son fucked prostitutes our whole marriage. They will think that I ended things as he's a spineless got who never would do anything active. She said something about it bring hard for everyone (so, all about her then...) when we meet new partners. At that point, I couldn't help it, I cried. You know what? No bad thing. I suspect now they realise that even if they still think I left him (well, I did - but not "no fault") they'll know I didn't do so at no emotional cost.

You have no reason not to be honest. You hold the key to grandchildren too - I think any mother knows that. Look at the shit, already backing out of Boxing Day night...

I would see her, have a good cry, tell her you're devastated. And tell her about the underwear, and the skype call about being in love. What a fucking arsehole. You can ask for a divorce without saying that.

And what someone else said about you petitioning for adultery. Make the fucker admit it.

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