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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

537 replies

Alchemist · 02/11/2013 17:50

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alchemist · 30/11/2013 16:06

Just testing as my laptop has been playing up and I keep writing posts and they disappear. Hope this works!

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Original poster
Alchemist · 01/12/2013 08:20

So glad the clean up on laptop worked! I have really missed being able to "talk" to you. I know that sounds very needy/bit pathetic but I have come to rely on your posts as I am not talking much about this in rl as I just want to keep things as "private" as possible.

We are off now for a long dog walk. Big Dog goes home today and I am already missing him. I hope you have all been keeping well x

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/12/2013 13:09

Hello Alchemist - like the new title Grin

It's not pathetic or needy. It's good to get it out. I wish I had had the courage to pst here when my world collapsed in January.

Minime85 · 01/12/2013 21:48

I think its harder to talk about it in rl. I've had emotional weekend as saw friend not seen face to face yet so had to go all through it. again. its unsettled me completely. I wanted to sob today.

sorry big dog is going but hope he has been exactly what u needed. your messages sound more spritely Smile

Original poster
Alchemist · 02/12/2013 19:05

Big Dog was the most perfect guest for us all. I spent so much time walking him I think my arms are just a bit more toned Smile, he is a strong Big Dog. The DCs, especially DS, loved having him here. Such a beautiful, calm, kind and big creature. Happily, we are now his official holiday home for the future.

The DCs spent Friday night with H and came back in the afternoon. I had hoped to work but came down with the same bug DD had so boss told me not to come in as he didn't want to get it. Fair enough, I thought while panicking about a) money and b) food in the house. Later on there was a knock on the door and there stood boss with a big bag of fresh fruit, veg and eggs (is a grocer), bottle of wine and an envelope he told me to open later. Told me he knew I would be worrying and he didn't want me to panic, so to get better and back to work this week. Opened the envelope and inside was £20. Bawled my eyes out. Just so kind, I am very lucky.

DCs enjoyed their visit. Didn't really talk about it but said they had a nice time. Looks like he is having them again this Friday. I've done it now so this time doesn't look too daunting.

As far as I am feeling I think Meh sums it up. Just a bit nothingy but more able to get on. The mornings are for me the worst. DS sneaked into my bed and I woke up cuddling him and thought, just for a second it was H and said his name, DS said no its me. I did have a wee cry at that.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 05/12/2013 19:14

I think I have been a bit previous with the title change. I have spent today just in a mess. I have cried and cried and fucking cried. n I cannot tell you why but it has hjst been one of the worst days since he left. DCs went to friends for tea, came back, took a look at me (mad puffy eyes) and have just got ready for bed. Came in the kitchen and chanted together "We have dne our teeth and will read for a bit. We think you need quiet time." Fucking hell, am being counselled by 9&7 year olds. Just heafd in hands.

I do have the first CBT session tomorrow. TBH I don't know mich about it and haven't googled but think it c\an't make things worse.

am dreading tomorrow night. just dreading them being gone and me alone. Am ppanicing now what the fuck will I be like tomorrow

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Loopytiles · 05/12/2013 20:01

Hi alchemist, sorry you're having a bad day, hope tomorrow is better Brew. You are doing really well and will be OK. It's sweet that your DC can look after you occasionally, they sound loving and caring!

savemefromrickets · 05/12/2013 20:18

Poor you. The time without the kids is hard but it is time when you don't have to hold it together and you can let it all out without worrying that it will upset them.

I have had counselling and I found it helpful to be on my own later that day so I could reflect on everything. I hope it's the same for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Minime85 · 05/12/2013 20:24

so sorry to hear you're have a bad day. I think we think we are plodding along reasonably well and something triggers a bad day. mine was making a solicitors appointment. then bang I had a few bad days. but you will come out the other side. you will be better for it. try and plan your time for whilst they are away. I do work and go to Costa or an exercise class. doesn't mean I like it but I'm not sitting in an empty house either. Smile

omuwalamulungi · 05/12/2013 20:41

Just read your thread, I'm really sorry this happened. Your kids sound just lovely.

Good luck with the counselling/CBT. Flowers

whitsernam · 05/12/2013 20:52

OP I have been through much of this myself, and I found time alone after counseling was SO valuable! And you also get to be proud of yourself later when the Cs come back, that you got through the time alone and you're still standing! I do hope you have friends you are planning to spend time with, or something you really want to do in this time. Making holiday treats? Something to surprise them with?

You will have up and down days, but you can be so proud of yourself for getting this far and look ahead to how you're setting such a great example for your kids. Grin

Original poster
Alchemist · 06/12/2013 11:52

Thanks for your replies, I read them this morning and felt a bit calmer.

Had the first CBT session and I just mainly talked. She is sending me some "homework" and we have arranged the next session.

Karma has intervened again! Big Dog's owner just aasked if I could have him for the weekend. OH YES! Much better today.

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myroomisatip · 06/12/2013 12:08

I am sure it is perfectly normal to have bad days but they will become fewer and less often.

Your DC sound amazing :) Brought tears to my eyes.

I hope you have a good weekend, so glad you will have the dog again. I have my cats :)

Original poster
Alchemist · 08/12/2013 20:39

H had the DCs Friday night till 5 on Saturday. I took Big Dog for a very long, dark walk down the woods and it was lovely. Got home, had a shower, slathered myself in moisturiser and into PJs. Spent the evening snuggled up to Big Dog and it was a nice evening.

Saturday morning was so quiet. Had to work, so got on with it. H came into my work for no real reason which left me in floods. The 16 year old Saturday lad was horrified Smile. We have been mainly contacting each other via email/text so this totally threw me. I know I do still love H, even though it is driving me mad, I know I don't like him very much. Where this leaves me though I just don't know.

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Original poster
Alchemist · 08/12/2013 20:44

Have just painted my nails sparkly silver and keep looking at the twinkles. Am I being a bit racy for a 45 year old Shock Smile.

OP posts:
omuwalamulungi · 08/12/2013 21:59

The thing about love is that sometimes you just have to keep going until there's none left.

You'll get there, when you're feeling down make lists of all the annoying things about him that you don't have to put up with any more, all the things you want to do in the future, and all the things you can do for yourself instead Smile

Do little nice things for yourself as often as you can. I think you're doing well. Flowers

Loggins · 08/12/2013 22:29

Sparkly silver sounds great Alch. Have you got a sparkly red for your toes?
Must get round to mine...they have half of the summer effort left on them!

Original poster
Alchemist · 09/12/2013 05:44

Ha! I do have red sparkly toes! Rimmel has an offer on and I am tempted by each colour... but have enough now. I don't usually wear polish on my fingers and have been wearing a griegey sort of colour on my toes. Just seeinb the colour and sparkles is a bit cheering. Of course DD has her beady eyes on them! Sorry am rambling on now.

Saw my GP on Friday afternoon to chat about how the citalopram is working for me. Came out with 5 prescriptions and am sure I had palpatations when the chemist told me (mind blanked out at this point) that the price would be about £46! Well, am very grateful for the GP/NHS for helping me and still have joint credit card.

Another week beginning, let's see what it brings. Wishing a good day to you x

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Loggins · 09/12/2013 10:23

Yay to the card! Treat yourself...tis nearly Christmas :)

Hope you have a good day, any wobbles look at your nails and remember your sparkle x

Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 10:53

Oh alchemist just read your thread. I love the way you are able to verbalise. My DP lest on Thursday, we have been together for 20 years, I threw him out because life had become so unbearable. Still hurts like hell, can even bring myself to speak with him right now. Thinking of going to GP, how are finding Ad's?

Original poster
Alchemist · 09/12/2013 13:16

Blossom just saw your message. I am so sorry. I have to go now as now have DS off with the vomiting bug but will come back when things have settled down. Take care x

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Blossomflowers · 09/12/2013 13:21

hugs for your DS, hope he gets better soon.

Loggins · 12/12/2013 17:01

How are you doing Alch?

Original poster
Alchemist · 13/12/2013 05:20

Sorry I haven't been on but DS was sick everywhere for a couple of days and then I went down with it again Hmm. This divorce lark and two bouts of this bug, am I am quite the svelte thing! .

Blossom I started taking citalopram just a few days after H left and I haven't noticed any side effects (tiredness/feeling sick etc) as I was already feeling it due to the situation. I was very anxious. AFAIK it does take a few weeks to begin to kick in and I am really feeling the benefit. I was talking about this on another thread and a poster said that it takes the rough edges off. I totally agree with that. It doesn't make you got WooHoo all is well with the woerld but it does give you (again, my personal opinion) a better sense of balance and a level of calmness. I hope you read this and let me know how you are. I truly understand and am sending positive vibes your way.

Nice things which happened this week. A Christmas tree was delivered to my door with a note saying that the sender wishes the DCs and me a great time then My SIde BIL gave me £100 to get some presents for the DCS. What with H leaving in November and the bouts of sickness (missing work, don't work =no pay), I haven't planned anything. Not at work on Monday so am off to town to do a bit of shopping.

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Loggins · 14/12/2013 01:55

Hey Alch, goes to show there are a lot of kind people about. Have a lovely time decorating your tree and shopping. There are tons of sales, £100 will go along way :)