Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

[Alchemist]

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

and in relation to your latest post...

I would send dc, if they wanted to go. Is there a specific reason why you don't want them to go this weekend?

if it hurts dd so much to go then why not send ds on his own? perhaps if dd changes her mind then ex can come get her later.

Thank you for your replies .

Off they've gone and I did do it with a smile (gritted).

DD said she likes the partner and feels guilty. I told her I wanted her to have a nice time with H and P and she should just enjoy her time in the place they go to.

Easier said than done I know.

I honestly don't know where this bitterness has come from. Must have been festering .

However, last week I had my hair cut short. I have had long hair most of my life and loved it but I am really loving this cut! I embrace a short-haired and hopefully less bitter life .

My bush is very well maintained .

Do they have the Place 2B at your daughters school? It seems that she is struggling and your ex is not doing anything to help her. Its a lot for you to deal with and she might need a bit more than you are able to give her . I don't mean it as a criticism of you at all, I think your transition has been amazing and you have coped brilliantly. My son has benefitted enormously from counselling he got through CAHMS. Just having somewhere to go where he could openly discuss exactly how he felt without consideration for anyone but himself helped both of us for him to get it all out and he was taught techniques to help him cope.

Thank you Flim, DD is now in a peer/support group at school and is enjoying being both peer and support - she is talking to me more. SHe really likes H's partner and feels very torn. I am just saying that dad's partner is nice and she wants to have a lovely time with them. Plus saying I want them to have a nice time when with H and his partner. I think this is the way to go atm. I am still astonished I don't feel any bad or particularly bitchy ways towards her. Suppose I am now old and wise .

It's my birthday and compared to last year, it has been so lovely :). I don't have Big Dog but I do have my Darling Delilah. I don't have a horrible, painful (non) relationship, I have a Darling P. DC are challenging as usual, I love my challenging DC.

Just been out for dinner with DC, Darling BIL and DP and it was lovely. DC had ribs for the first time. DD's new white top is no more .

All-in-all a bloody good day.

Best wishes to all .

Who you sound so lovely. Please start your own thread then people can help you. You are so giving.

I just can't help being a screaming harpy = I am playing into his hands. Told me he was going for residency today which gave me a turn. 10 minutes later I realised he was just being a twat.

Pathetically have spent most of the day in tears and have just screamed at him "I hope you fucking die alone you cunt". I hate myself. Was feeling ok, was doing fine bvjt am fucked up now. sorry for swearing so much.

WTF is this? i'm a mess.

You have to laugh? Well this just made laugh.

I went to the kitchen to prepare a very large gin and tonic with ice and slices. Chopped the lemon and stabbed the knife into the washing up sponge and went through the bowl. I only bought it on Saturday [wails].

Blimey, a bit of self-pity and a little laugh. I think it's how we keep on going...

Hello

Just another update, after a long time.

Doing really well. DC mostly ok, DDog is gorgeous and we now have chickens! Still with DGardener who has turned out to be a happy and involved part of our family. I have a new (very part-time) job which is working out well.

However, I still get the pangs of what if but I know I am a much happier person on the whole.

He's just someone I used to know.

Much love and gratitude for all the kindness x

Just caught up on your whole thread Alchemist and so nice to hear the happy ending, even if tinged with some sadness.

...I followed your thread. Then entered the same world of hell.

Pleased for you. You're lovely.