Just found out my OH is married. Should I tell his wife? How?

[Anniemannie]

I'm 24, and I met my OH after bumping into him a number of places around the city- it started off as sort of a joke but then it was TOO much of a coincidence and he asked me out officially with the line "you're probably already planning to go but would you like to go to X with me next weekend?"

He's great- sexy, clever, compassionate. He's quite a bit older than me but it's never really felt like it, we have a lot in common.

Neither of us have ever said we're looking for something official. I DID trust him with everything but I'm in no rush to get married, I'm not the sort of person to do anything without considering it thoroughly. We've been seeing each other about a year, we've gone away a lot but we spend a lot of time in the city as well so I never had the feeling he was hiding anything. I've met his sister and friends, but was never officially introduced as his OH, but I liked that.

Anyway, I go to a local bar tonight and he's there. With a woman and two teenage daughters who are clearly twins and clearly his, he didn't see me but I watched for 10 minutes and saw all his little touches to his wife's shoulder, pats to her knee, and at one point, a brief kiss on top of her head when he left the table to go to the bar.

I'm shaking. What do I do?

[BlatantRedhead]

When I was 24 and single this place would not be to my taste in fact, it wouldn't be on my radar.

I've been on here since I was 22, so nearly 6 years. And I also lurked and read for some time before joining in order to post for advice. Don't think age is at all relevant and not everyone is the same.

[Anniemannie]

Update:

Thanks to you being genuinely helpful, it was lovely logging on and seeing that. :)

I waited until this morning to txt him, I wanted a clear head and I wanted to see what he'd say. I apologised for not txting him earlier, asked what he'd done the night effort etc.,
Apparently he'd been out with work friends, they'd gone out - somewhere entirely different to where I'd seen him- and he'd got super drunk and gone home. I've decided to wait and see what else he says because I'd like a bit more ammo before confronting him with what he said because in my experience they'll make excuses got everything. I feel shit but also much stronger than I did last night.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Why wait? You're pretty sure you're his bit on the side. He lied to you about who he was with and where. End it.

[Fairenuff]

Why are you playing games. Just tell him you know he's lying and it's over. What more is there to say?

[garageflower]

Why can't you just say you saw him with the people that you saw him with? He's already lied to you so it's not as if he twist that to correlate with what he's told you. I don't see the point in dragging it out really.

[ToTheTeeth]

Why are you looking for ammo? You know enough to know that you should dump him. What else is there to do?

[Banono]

Do you need more ammo?
Your evidence is pretty damning to be fair.

[Putitonthelist]

What's the point in dragging it out? He's lied to you. Text him and tell him he's a liar and he's dumped.

I'm sorry btw OP, it's a really shitty way to find out all wasn't as it seemed.

[bubalou]

Don't give him the chance to make excuses.

Everything has added up and is pretty clear.

Dump him and tell his poor wife who needs to know what a lying twunt she is married to!

[Anniemannie]

I know you're all right, I just feel like I'm owed an explanation and I feel like I won't get one by just confronting him straight out.

It might be immature and it probably won't make me feel much better but I do feel a bit more stronger having something behind me when I'm confronting him

[Fairenuff]

You don't want to split up with him do you.

[TheGinLushMinion]

You have no intention of confronting him with or without proof, be honest-sad really. If you had you'd have dealt with this already, enjoy the insecurity of this 'relationship' won't you OP?

[Xfirefly]

Ugh you have enough to confront him with. Please end it you're better than this! Find someone who will treat you right

[thistlelicker]

U could have had all the ammo u needed if u had either took pic of
Him there or went up to him!!

If he is married congrats on being the ow !!!

[SarahBumBarer]

why the ? She was shocked and upset and didn't think to take a picture. It's not like she knew she was the OW.

How many wives want cast iron proof before confronting cheating partners or spend ages trying to understand why when they never will because no cheating spouse ever admits that it just because they are weak and pathetic and someone paid them some attention and they could. This is not so different.

[Fairenuff]

She saw with her own eyes that he was out with a woman and twin girls. Yet when questioned he said he was out with work colleagues at a different venue.

So unless he has an identical twin, he lied to her. She has her proof. I suppose posters are angry because OP believes him to be married yet still seems reluctant to end it.

[SarahBumBarer]

No - she just wants an explanation (which we all know she is never going to get to any satisfactory extent but at the risk of sounding totally patronising - she is 24 and probably never experienced anything like this before) and so figures that there is a better way to get that than sending an "I know all about your wife you cheating fuck" text.

There isn't btw but I do understand your thought process.

[malinaaa]

Maybe this sounds completely stupid, but are you sure it's him? It seems like such a huge coincidence to bump into somebody you are dating, who is keeping his marriage a secret, in a bar with his wife and children. Unless you live in a very small place or it's a local venue. It's usually pretty dark and crowded in bars, is there any possibility that you made a mistake?
I don't think you should tell his wife unless you're certain what is going on. Even if you are certain it's him, sometimes it's better for people not to know and hearing about this from you would probably break down his wife's whole world. Just end the relationship and forget it.

[difficultpickle]

If I had happily being seeing someone for a year and had no clue that they were anything other than single and available it would take me more than a day to process the information once I'd discovered that the truth was something entirely different. I am sure the OP is in shock rather than deliberately hanging on to this relationship.

[Fairenuff]

If I had been happily seeing someone for a year and saw them in a bar I would have gone straight over to say hi without a moment's hesitation.

If I saw him acting inappropriately with a woman, I would have gone straight over to ask him what he was doing.

I think OP had suspicions that he was not single all along.

[BetterDrownedThanDuffers]

I would just not contact him again to be honest. Who needs the drama.

[difficultpickle]

Depends if you are the sort of person that likes confrontation. It isn't something that most people would feel comfortable doing.

[PukingCat]

There's some fucking vile posters on this thread!

[SarahBumBarer]

Well I had my suspicions that my gran was dying for a long time too.

Still a shock when it actually happened.

And she did not just see him acting inappropriately. She saw him with his wife. So acting appropriately and knowing that it is when he was with her that he was acting inappropriately. It wrong-foots you I imagine. Makes you not sure of your ground.

[thistlelicker]

Thing is she saw him with her own eyes! What everyone would
Do is different but he has told her lies and still hasn't done anything! It be interesting to hear what shite he spouts off if she did confront him !