Just found out my OH is married. Should I tell his wife? How?

[Anniemannie]

I'm 24, and I met my OH after bumping into him a number of places around the city- it started off as sort of a joke but then it was TOO much of a coincidence and he asked me out officially with the line "you're probably already planning to go but would you like to go to X with me next weekend?"

He's great- sexy, clever, compassionate. He's quite a bit older than me but it's never really felt like it, we have a lot in common.

Neither of us have ever said we're looking for something official. I DID trust him with everything but I'm in no rush to get married, I'm not the sort of person to do anything without considering it thoroughly. We've been seeing each other about a year, we've gone away a lot but we spend a lot of time in the city as well so I never had the feeling he was hiding anything. I've met his sister and friends, but was never officially introduced as his OH, but I liked that.

Anyway, I go to a local bar tonight and he's there. With a woman and two teenage daughters who are clearly twins and clearly his, he didn't see me but I watched for 10 minutes and saw all his little touches to his wife's shoulder, pats to her knee, and at one point, a brief kiss on top of her head when he left the table to go to the bar.

I'm shaking. What do I do?

[Anniemannie]

I've felt embarrassed reading all of this. At no point did I consider myself weak, or think about being the OW. I just feel like I'm owed an explanation and I don't think if get an idea of what a liar he is if I told him what I'd seen.

[thistlelicker]

Can I ask then how u propose
In getting the explanation you want from him?

[humblebumble]

Is it possible it's his ex-wife? Perhaps they split amicably?

[HogFucker]

I think it's understandable to want an explanation after a year - a year is quite a long time in relationship terms,

[beaglesaresweet]

OP, I don't get it - you have proof already, what else could you get as a proof that'd be better than seeing then with your own eyes AND him lying afterwards about his movements on the night!
I think you need to see him face to face and just tell him straight - no one could possibly appear calm when suddenly confrinted in person, you'll see his reaction and then he will have to explain. Don't just send texts, as it sounds like you need closure, and he may just ignore you if you text.
It could at a stretch be an ex or a sister, but you'll find out if you just ask straight while facing him.

[DeMaz]

OP, you're showing a lot more restraint then I ever would in your situation.

[BeCoolFucker]

When are you seeing him next OP?

Is it "normal" to not see your BF for a whole weekend? I think it's odd he's saying he doesn't have anything special on and neither do you. So no plans with each other over the weekend?

Has this been a pattern over your relationship?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh yes! Good point becool.

When are you due to next see him? Can you pop over his house today and surprise him?

[Fairenuff]

If you had no clue that he was married and saw him with another woman, you would think he was cheating on you, surely?

What makes you think he is married and you are the ow? I think you are keeping something back because none of this makes sense.

After seeing him cheat with your own eyes and hearing him lie about it, you now want more proof. Or an explanation. Yet you won't talk to him.

I think you knew he was married but maybe he had told you he was in the process of splitting up with her, or something, and that's why you're so shocked. It would also explain why you can't talk to him on a weekend.

[WearingAnUmbrellaHat]

I would have had to have gone up and said hello innocently. Would have loved to have seen the look on his face and heard the panicked explanation as to who you are. You could have said something like "darling, glad I've seen you, you left your boxers over at mine so I've washed them for you".

Although, just playing devils advocate, it could have been innocent as others have said. My mum and dad get on well and have been divorced over 20 years. Before he met his new wife about 5 years ago, if you'd seen me, mum, dad and sis at a birthday meal for example, you would have thought mum and dad were married. Dad wold always greet mum with a kiss and there wold be shoulder touching when telling a joke etc.

[Twinklestein]

OP: I'm really sorry for the situation you find yourself in, and I'm really sorry for some of the posts on this thread.

The fact he lied about his whereabouts that night is telling.

You don't need any more 'ammo'. Your proof is already cast iron barring an ex-wife & kids he omitted to mention (dodgy in itself) or a long lost twin...

Fairenuff: if you want to invent your own narrative, why not start your own thread?

[BeQuicksieorBeDead]

Op you need to confront him, you could be winding yourself up for nothing and there be an innocent explanation. I know it seems unlikely...but you will know from his reaction whether he is lying. If this woman is a friend or ex then perhaps he could introduce you? It has been a year. I dont think there is any reason to jump to the conclusion that he must be married, if he had managed to blag it for a year with you, introduce you to his sister etc. and see you whenever you have wanted.... Married men who are in loving looking relationships with the wife dont usually manage to string the ow along for very long.... They have set times when they can call or text, they avoid taking you out where they live etc.

Ask him. If you dont want to appear to be a mad stalker, say a friend of yours saw him.

[SockQueen]

You are never going to get an explanation that is adequate. However you confront him or try to raise the subject, you will get an answer full of denial and excuses. The simple answer is that he did it because he could get away with. He could have some fun naughty time with a nice young girl while still being a "responsible family man."

As you know where he lives, I'd be tempted to go over this afternoon and "surprise" him. Or just tell him you know over the phone/text and leave him to grovel.

[queenbitchapparently]

Shit op this is a really crap situation.
Take your time deciding what to do. Please ignore tge really vile types on here x

[thistlelicker]

What if the woman in restaurant is the "ow" and they were her kids!! Crap doesn't get any nicer!! Hope the op sorts it out

[daughterofafarmer]

Text him and say you saw him at x pub and you know he isn't
being truthful about his current set up.

Ask for the truth or you'll turn up at his house and speak to his wife.

[cjel]

Hello OP when will you get chance to talk to him?

[SweetSkull]

marking my place for husband to find out what comes next.

[SweetSeraphim]

Hope you're ok OP, what a horrible shock

Have you said anything to him?

[SweetSeraphim]

What happened Annie?

[CookieDoughKid]

OP... why don't you make HIM sweat and make up some story about how you are being harassed and sent funny messages from a lady. Make it sound like somebody he knows... like his wife!!

[CookieDoughKid]

Forget that, just turn up to his wife's house asking after him. Ask HIM innocently if the wife is a relative?