Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Thank God you are not my husband and I don't have a my son with you.

Is the OP still here, do you think?

I honestly don't get the cold callous posts saying it's ok to leave because he is young. So is his wife and she has been through some horrendous treatments.

I completely agree it's exhausting constantly caring for your partner but you are looking at it the wrong way. Look at the benefits of your relationship and start introducing some intimacy back - instead of attacking her with cuddles which she may assume mean sex, as her how she would like you to behave. DH was sometimes so loving and at other times so distant. I will admit sometime I was hurt and felt pushed out emotionally - but I loved him and so communicated with him as to how to remain intimacy levels when he felt like hiding under the duvet until he felt better.

Also please discuss it with your son. DH came from a family with degenerative kidney disease (PCKD) and not discussing it nearly destroyed certain family relationships. It would be useful to help him sympathise rather than you both viewing your wife as a drain on the family.

Finally, it really irritated me that DH chose to work - he has a professional job and to maintain his work and would dialyse at night to continue working. He then spent every spare moment sleeping. I used to feel sidelined and like he gave the only spare energy to his job. It lead to a very heated debate where he finally explained that having a reason to get up in the morning kept him going and stopped him dwelling on the kidney failure. The world treated him like an ordinary human being when working which stopped him feeling like 'the sick person'.

If it's caters fatigue fine - see if you can have some time/activity for yourself to give you am outlet. But seriously think hard before bowing out of your marriage - what kind of example would you be setting your son for the future?

Noddy I hope your smile was a positive one! :)

What a terrible time you have all been through.

I think there needs to be some honest talk between you before you make any decisions which will have huge reprecussions, maybe with the help of a kidney charity a others have suggested. If possible, your wife could see a GP to have a chat about her moods/energy.

Must be really hard to be in your situation, especially as it has been over a prolonged period of years a not say, a few months.

I think you vented and you have been judged harshly.

Good Luck to you and your family - I hope it all works out.

What if you had the same health problem and she was considering leaving you because you were too ill to feel like having sex?

OMFG
I have friend in so much worst situation
She went very ill a few years ago which left her unable to live her life the way she was before the "accident"

Situation so much worst because her exp was kind of responsible for not getting her a proper help straight away which left my friend actually mentally damaged

Luckily she escaped and took their child with her

What Im trying to say
She had months in bed screaming when she was alone
When her ex was playing the wonderful "daddy"
My friend had weeks when her small baby resent her because she was not able to walk for weeks

She went through a few operations which some of them failed
She wasn't that lucky
Her ex made her life a total horror

My friend resented her ex because she could not forgive him when she beg him to take her to hospital he was to busy having fun

So hopefully your situation is different and you have done all to help Your Wife

Haven't read the whole thread. Just wanted to share something with you all

I got the bus into town today. It's a short journey, mostly used by retired people in the area. A man got on with his wife. He nodded hello to a few others on the bus. His wife did not seem to recognise anyone. He carefully helped her to her seat. He talked quietly about where they were going and what they would do. The wife seemed dazed and confused. They got off the bus, the husband gently leading the way.

On my return journey a couple of hours later, the couple get on my bus again on their way home. I saw the husband rush to get the bus and ask the bus driver to wait for his wife who was walking quite slowly. The husband waited by the door and helped his wife get on and find a seat. He talked quietly about the nice bus driver. Not once did I hear the wife reply.

I watched as they got off the bus and thought to myself how hard it must be for the husband to look after his wife who clearly is in the grip of dementia. But I bet she would have done the same if it had been him unwell.

Now that's true love.

you should really talk to your wife being absolutely honest with her
I would go further on and suggest to show her your post so will be able to finally see the real you

I would also suggest that that people like you should not take care of their children and the reasons for it is
The cruelty in your post (planning to take away 9 year old kid from his ill mum PLANING)
It Truelly shocked me why don't you just take gun and kill the mum

Im sorry for such drastic response but while ago

I was one ill mum

Im so sorry but if I ll be the ill mum and my ex was planning to take away my child from me because he can not have sex with me anymore I certainly go to "Holland"

Posted to fast

While ago I was ill mum but my exh done all to support me but well he was from different country
And circumstances were different

I would certainly. ...

I feel so sorry for that poor woman and that poor child

But op really show her your post so she can run with her child as far away from you as she can

I'm surprised people are still being so awful about the possibility of the op 'taking' the child if the marriage fails, why is there rarely this outcry when the mum is the main carer and 'keeps' the children?

If (and I hope it doesn't come to that) the marriage does end then the most important thing for the child is stability and it is almost always true that the best thing is to stay with the primary carer. So whether it is awful for the mum or not is not the point

If my marriage ended my husband would have primary custody of the children which while obviously terrible for me is exactly as it should be

Yes nonickname, it would obviously be fine for the mum to take the son but not the op

God there are some real “holier than thou” people on this site. And also some wonderful people who offer amazing advice to someone who is confused, upset and unhappy.
I have so much to say – I am so grateful for my wifes transplant and the fact she is alive. I try and make her life better each and every day but its so hard. She is upbeat but knackered. That’s how I would put it. She has her good days and bad days and is not depressed. I feel I have fallen out of love with her and life. The only thing that cheers me up is my boy.

I am an engineer who mainly works in construction. I am surrounded by men, I have no female friends and I find it difficult to open up to my mates about the difficulties which effect my wife and I. I have never gone on an internet site and let off like this. I am not a writer but an ordinary working man struggling to make my points across. I feel that in my life things have never been so bad but I am so aware there are many people in worse situations. I have let my feelings out which was not easy , and have spoken like I was talking to my mates down the pub.

I think some of you find that difficult to take my way of talking but that’s the way most blokes I know talk.

I am going to give my wife time
I am going to try and enjoy life
I will set a good example for my boy
I am a good dad and husband
I am not resentful of her
But I am not going to live forever in a state of unhappiness

Councelling is the only thing I can suggest - if you want to try and get through this, you need to rebuild your relationship as well as have very honest conversations about how to make life better for both of you.

Why does she work? You don't seem to understand why and obviously it makes sense in your head that she give it up - but at the same time then she's totally reliant on someone who's not actually someone she can rely on can she?

It feels like you are judging her for not keeping all her energy for her son... Have you talked (not argued) about this?

Cricket - speak to your work colleagues? Got to say I am so surprised that you don't have any female colleagues.

But speak to the good ones you have.

I have always found construction colleagues really understanding and insightful. It is really difficult.

Fwiw I know someone who left her terminally ill husband, met someone else for a very brief time. Her children never really forgave her and now she is I'll and the lonely one. It is very sad.

There's a lot of witless sentimental crap on this thread. Marriages and relationships break down all the time for all sorts of reasons. The OP sounds like someone in a horrible situation, facing the fact that the rest of his life is going to be this grim, joyless expanse of dutiful behaviour with no reward whatsoever. Yes, it's ghastly for his wife as well, but if the couple-relationship wasn't all that strong in the first place, neither of them will benefit from him being coerced into sacrificing his own life to be her full-time carer. People who are single get serious, longterm illnesses as well and there is state support and (unless the ill person was a raging arsehole before the illness anyway) support from family and friends, so it's not a matter of the OP leaving and his DW dying of neglect. If the couple-relationship has broken down, the DW would be better off with a mix of family, friends and professionals looking after her in relays, than having the OP struggling through it and an atmosphere of grief and resentment hanging over them 24/7.

This is a very sad situation, but I think you have to wait until she is better. Imagine how she would feel, still being sick, to have her husband leave her and take her child as well? It would break her heart. Give her some more time. When she is stronger, your feelings may change too.

I have sympathy all round for the OP, his wife and child. They are all victims of a horrible illness.

I don't want to get to personal, but my DM left my dad after he was diagnosed with a life changing illness, but that wasn't the reason she left - the marriage had been shaky for a while.

Anyway, long story short, my dad actually remarried. The woman he married took him on with his illness and cared for him for many years as he degenerated with real love. In leaving my dad, mum actually freed him to meet someone who gave him a level of love & care she never would, or could.

I remained on good terms with both my parents, by the way. I was a young teenager and stayed with my dad for practical reasons (mum had walked) but left home a year later in any case.

So there you go OP. Leaving your wife may not be the worst thing that has happened to her. I think some people actually are drawn to and get something out of playing a caring role in a relationship, she may not necessarily remain alone.

"I feel I have fallen out of love with her and life. The only thing that cheers me up is my boy. "

Thats so sad to read, and I am sure many of us in bad relationships feel the same way.

OP, its good to share, haha, but seriously its good to get these feelings out there. Now, disregard the nastier comments and think about counselling and what needs to be done to bring joy back.

Its very hard , and I strongly advise both GP and counselling to help you both

Relaying sentimental accounts of seeing elderly couples on the bus coping with the dementia of their partner has nothing to do w/ this situation and shows poor insight regarding the nature of caring. It really isn't like that a lot of the time.

That couple may well have had twenty-forty (or more) happy years of marriage before illness and infirmity struck. Crickets situation is very very different.

Cricket - I wish you all well and hope that you can gain some other real life perspectives by talking to your colleagues, maybe a GP and look into counselling. But first of all you need to play the truth game with your wife.