Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Big clue in "loveless marriage" I think - I suspect that cricket has now fallen out of love with his wife and is desperately searching for justification to escape. So desperate that he'd leave her all their material possessions, help care for her when he can and no doubt continue to pay her off with a hefty alimony.

In cases of serious illness, I believe that all normal relationship rules cease to apply. It requires enormous strength of character and integrity from both for patient and partner. It's crap luck for both of you, but unless you want to be branded an über-selfish bastard for the rest of your life (and teach your son some terrible lessons), you HAVE to deal with this as a couple.

Talk. Either you work hard to find the love again or you agree to part. But don't be selfish git.

if people don't want to deal with serious illness in their spouse then perhaps they should've considered their vows a bit more and asked the vicar/registrar to remove it or change the vows to "in sickness and in health, except if they get really sick and won't open their honey pot to you"

the thought of seriously ill people being abandoned by the one person who promised to be there for them makes me very sad.

Lurker

You raise important points and offer a valuable and alternative perspective.

I too am wondering about the Wife's desire and volition to make an effort in family life and may be flamed for saying it.

The sick role (speaking from the perspective of a HCP) has its own compensations and benefits. It can become a 'haven' exempting the person from duties they wish not to take on. It will need outside help to ascertain if this is the case here.

OP I've been your wife.
15yrs of a chronic disabling disease have taken their toll at times on our relationship and our marriage but it has also strengthened it at times too.
I'm in my early 30's my DH a shade older and the main difference is my disease has been with us throughout our relationship. That doesn't mean it's easier just slightly different.
Communication helps - talk to her, let her talk to you.
I would bet serious money she's more frustrated with her condition than she let's on, I'd bet she wishes she had an ounce more spare energy, could stay awake without regretting it. I bet her illness makes her feel unattractive and unwanted. I bet she cries because she cannot play with her son or love her husband as she'd like to.
I bet all of this because I've been there more than once.
Keeping your job even when you struggle is about control. It's very hard to control most things when you are very ill, being able to do even a little bit of normal helps you feel like the person you were before.
Mostly when I'm ill I swing between silently screaming with frustration and crying for my child/old life/missed life/husband.
If your sex life is the main thing that worries you then you obviously aren't busy enough - try doing other things to fill your time. Things for yourself or your family - build on areas of your life you can help and see if you can build a more rounded relationship with your family.
Taking your child away from his sick mother will do nobody any good and will more than certainly damage your sons relationship with you. Kids IME better at dealing with sick parents than adults are. My 5yo shows a strength of character beyond his years when I'm ill. He'd love it if mummy could carry him or race him round the garden but we discuss why he can't and we do other things. Your son at 9 should be better placed than my 5yo to have those discussions and think of other things he can do with his mother.
When I'm really ill and unable to do much we have snuggles on the sofa with popcorn & a movie or read silly stories (my 5yo now reads to me so can rest )
You are not just talking about walking away from your wife you are talking about walking away from your family.
Perhaps try talking, listening and thinking about contributing differently to your family before throwing it all away. It won't be easy but may cause you less regrets in the long run.

wonkylegs

OP, I also am one of the few people on here who is actually the sick, dependant wife. It's pretty ghastly. I am very sorry for the way you have been treated here. I haven't ploughed through it all but think I have the general flavour. Being a carer within a marriage at a young age is very, very tough.

Not sure if this has been suggested, but could she be depressed? Her behaviour certainly would fit. Also, when you have had a lot of medical treatment it can feel like your body has been totally invaded and violated. Scars, infection and huge weight loss can make you feel like your body isn't even yours but some inferior substitute. Hateful, in other words.

Perhaps this seemingly mad, defiant insistence on working is her desperate bid not to be a totally dependent invalid?

I don't think you have necessarily fallen out of love with your wife. Just the situation. That's understandable.

Sounds like sex isn't the only thing missing here. Your whole emotional connection has broken down. Is it possible to tell her honestly that you love her, miss her and want her back. No going back to pre illness but a new way of being together. I would suggest a joint GP appointment to frankly describe what's happening. The exhaustion, lack of enthusiasm, the whole bloody thing. I really hope she might respond because she cannot be happy as things are. I'm guessing for her it just seems hopeless. It isn't and shouldn't be. A combination of counselling and or anti D's could help enormously. She is probably traumatised even if she doesn't realise it.

I am eternally grateful to my wonderful husband for his steadfast support. I know it's hard for him. But and it's a big but...I always try to make an effort even when it's hard. It is possible to smile again. I do my hair and makeup. Dress quite well and make sure he occasionally sees me in a vertical position.

If you want any more support I am happy to lend it. To both of you. Feel free either here or by pm.

Good luck

I agree about your ds. My ds is 19 now and has never known anythign else I have pushed myself to do everything I can to be 'normal' and sometimes I just couldn't but that was ok because there was so much love. He has just been home for 6 days from university and we have ahd a great time. He hugged me when he left and said how much he misses me and can't wait for xmas. Halfway on the train I got a text saying thanks for looking after him and how there is nowhere like home. Don't deny her this

How did you manage to get two women to admit to you that they like you? What were you doing on these two presumably separate occasions? Were they single or married?
Did they both come up to you individually and say, "Hey, I fancy you!" Or maybe, "God! You're so handsome... my knees feel like jelly when I look at you.."
Or what did they say? They must have said something because you said they actually admitted it to you. It's unusual for a woman to lay herself at a man's feet like that, is it not? Oh, maybe it isn't. I wouldn't know really.

All I know is that nobody's ever come to me and said anything like that. Never .

Read Matilda's post.....
You have my every sympathy for a terrible situation you all find yourself in.

I think it is easy to judge & less easy to understand...
If you leave without trying every avenue you will be judged & it will effect your ds's relationship with his extended family. Talk to her about how you feel & if you do split know that you have done it after exploring every avenue....& that it is a decision you have come to together. Your wife may also feel she deserves more than a man staying with her out of duty & pity.

From the position of a child: My mother left my father following a prolonged kidney related illness. She left because the serious nature of the illness and the obvious physical and mental effects changed him. He still loved her, he was just destroyed by the illness, but always did his best in dire circumstances.

I have never forgiven her, and I never will.

Jeff

I understand where the OP is coming from, years without proper intimacy are going to leave you deflated. I have to agree with other posters though and say you are in a marriage and there is a child involved. I'm not saying you can't leave, but I ask you to explore every other option first. Counselling, seeing her doctor etc, all the stuff people have said I wholeheartedly agree with.

As for taking the DS, people have said it would destroy the wife and it's unfair to her. How do you think OP would feel to be away from DS? I bet pretty much the same. Except he is the primary carer as wife is too tired/I'll to have much of a contribution. He should take him, it'd be irresponsible not to. He sounds to me like he'd fully encourage the best relationship between the two of them should it happen.

Well that's my two penny worth anyway....

OP it is very very difficult living with someone with a chronic illness. My husband lived with a brain tumour for 12 years and bit by bit I lost a bit more of him. Frontal lobe so lack of interest in life not able to think to do things. Unable to do the gardening he loved as his brain couldn't process the signals to tell him how to do it. Gradually he became worse and died last year.
He was not the intelligent lovely man I married. It was very hard. I lost my temper with him. Our marriage lacked affection but oh boy I miss him.

It sounds like you need some counselling to deal with this as does she. It is hard, you miss affection. But your vows say for better for worse and we have to live with these things

Callani, that book is wonderful

onlypassing you would be surprised. Two ladies that work in the place I do, were clambering over each other to offer support to a work mate whilst his wife was dying. He dated one of them briefly after her death.

jeff I felt the opposite when I left my mother -liberated.

I could be your wife OP. Except I'm no one's wife. DP didn't need to make any vows in order to behave like a decent person.

I think those of us that are married meant every word of our wedding vows, including the 'in sickness and in health' bit, and those not married probably feel the same way.

But, in reality, who can say whether they would be the steadfast partner they intended to be when faced with years of struggle through ill health?

I am sure the OP realises he is being selfish, but he is being honest.

His wife is unfortunate in that she hasn't got a wonderful and devoted life partner. But marriages collapse so often for much less. Perhaps their marriage wouldn't have made it anyway.

I honestly believe my husband would stay by my side no matter what but until we've walked that path, I can't be 100% sure.

OP there are couples who , when one of them is very ill or disabled, discuss the lack of sex and sometimes agree to the more physically able partner having sex outside of the marriage. This can and does happen.

It might be something to talk about with your wife.

I don't think it's fair to keep quoting marriage vows. As far as I know not all ceremonies include those lines anyway though of course it's in the spirit of loving someone to stick around.

Ill health can put a huge strain on a relationship and- rightly or wrongly- some people cannot cope with it and walk away. It's not great, they must go through hell, but it does happen.

OP- no one can make this choice except you but there's a lot of talking needed by you both before you make any decision- yes?

So it's all about you and your cock getting off. Wow.

Hope you never get a debilitating illness.

Those quoting marriage vows conveniently remember some and forget others, it seems to me.

He needs to stick with her while they see if there is anything that can be done to change the current situation, she needs to actively participate in that process.

IMO expecting a 35 yo to stay celibate for the rest of their life to nurse a partner who is capable of going to work but not to be loving or intimate, is not realistic.

I really do suggest you get your child tested and this May help you gain perspective. I suspect me and my children have the same condition as your wife and it's variable. You have to accept your wife will never be who she was, and it still may be a long and difficult roAd ahead.

If you were my husband I would completely understand your feelings, although it is my biggest fear too! Your wife doesn't WANT to be a burden does she?

I suggest...

Buy her some flowers

Some nice good

Arrange a date night

Put your feelings aside and see what happens

Take it day by day

Baby steps

Just TRY

And tell her how you feel as I suspect she would be very hurt you have t opened up to her

I've had a transplant, not kidney but much of the medication, protocol is the same.
One thing that may be putting your wife off sex is fear of pregnancy. Consultants warn against pregnancy for at least two years whilst at the same time banning most hormonal contraceptives, coils etc. Have you discussed the practicalities?

I think your wife needs to talk to her transplant team about her tiredness, have her iron levels checked. Has her weight improved? Is she eating well?

If you love your wife then try and save your marriage. Have counselling.

I have also been on both sides of this. DH became disabled in his early forties and I had to care for him and our very young DSs whilst trying to be the breadwinner and run the home. Our sex life stopped then and has never recovered.

Ironically, in my late forties I became very ill with a series of debilitating chronic conditions. DH then had to step up and look after me. I do continue to try to get to work as it is the only thing that gives me a sense of achievement and human interaction with people outside the family.

Our sons have had to grow up with exhausted and ill parents. They are both brilliant at helping us out and never complain.

All those years ago, friends told me to leave DH as we wasn't being a good husband to me in their opinion!

We did not marry in church, but take our marriage very seriously and would never let each other down. I miss our sex life very much and feel very sad that this part of our marriage is over. We are, however, very affectionate with each other and kiss and cuddle every day.

I don't really know what to say to you OP, just that I am glad that DH and I don't have your attitude.