Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Finola. That actually made me cry.

finola

all very sweet and sentimental but absaloutly fuck all relevance!

She does need to let the renal team know she spends weekends napping. A medication review may find out why. What is her function like and what drugs is she on? I have 30 yrs of this behind me so may be able to help her am happy for you to pm me

No not a right decision what you are thinking you should think before before affairs. I want to say that if your i finger will me damage than will your cut this no. I will say that your should spend your life both.

Gosh, I don't know what to say.
I have kidney disease. My life is not what I expected it to be, there is far more chemotherapy than I thought I was signing up for. The knowledge that dialysis is unlikely is reassuring, but the constant mental drag of disease is depressing, all-consuming and life altering.
I have the opposite weight problem, steroid therapy has made me fluctuate from normal to the size of a small house three times in the last two years, and every time I lose the weight I have a relapse and have to restart the drugs.
I can't begin to tell you what this has done for my self esteem. It is really common for depression to go hand in hand with kidney problems, and a lack of libido is also in there for good measure.
I often wonder what exactly I did in a past life to deserve this, but I am extremely blessed in other parts of my life.
Although I have had to go part time, I love my job and have incredibly supportive colleagues.
I would say that I have lost about 75% of my friends, who didn't know how to deal with the new, sad, ill me in place of the vivacious party animal they used to know. But the ones who have stuck around are fabulous, caring, entertaining people who I love dearly.
My husband and daughter are the rock that my life is built upon. Although we have had a tough time life goes on and I cherish every second that I have with them. I possibly don't tell them this enough.
Has it occurred to you that this could be your wife talking? You and your son are probably her all in a very difficult, complex and above all, vastly reduced life.
Your marriage vows should tell you your answer. Reverse the situation. How would you feel if after all you had been through, your wife left you because you were frail, boring and not up for sex enough? You need to talk to her, and without wishing to be rude, get your head out of your fucking arse and face up to your life.

I agree mrsd life is difficult and trying at times.

Sorry, I retract the last statement. This is quite an emotive topic for me.

I wish you all the luck in the world getting to grips with this, I know from first hand experience that is soul sapping and utterly shit.

Thegonnagle I agree with every word. Anyone can have a life that is 'different' but why does it have to be 'lesser'.

Do you and your DS get enough breaks from living life at your DW's pace? I don't think you should leave her but I do think that she needs to understand that you and your DS need to do more than live your lives around hers.

Maybe you need more support so you can get out and enjoy yourself. Being a main cater is a huge serious responsibility.

Can you do couples counselling? She probably doesn't feel sexy at all after everything and maybe she needs lots of romance and laughter and massages.

If you love her you need to try to find a way forward with her. Don't just demand sex. Make sure she is rested and happy.

I don't know quite how your wife is feeling, but I find that when my illness flares up other parts of my 'self' shut down a bit.
I retreat from the day to day stuff around me and wall up inside a bit, it's like being in shock. That napping at the weekend stuff- just like that. I don't want to go anywhere, just stay in my house and feel safeish. Psychologically I don't think it's very healthy and I have to fight it daily. Sex also feels quite invasive when your body is failing you, and when your self esteem is glooping around by your ankles that's just not going to happen. Have you considered trying to establish a more gentle physical connection to start with? Massage, with no 'happy ending' intended. Just to re-establish a physical connection. Some of my drugs make my skin physically itch and prickle all the time too, so the 'too hot' cuddling thing rings true to me.
You have to try and understand that some of the drugs make you feel like you're living in someone else's body. It's the wrong shape, the skin feels odd, you can't sleep properly, weird waking dreams. Just being touched sometimes makes me want to scream. Other times everything is fine.
It's all so odd.
On a practical note, when the glomular level if the kidney isn't working properly you piss all vitamin d out with everything else. I take a high dose of vitamin d all year and it does help with the bone crushing tiredness.
Have you looked on inspire online? It has a seperate support group for different illnesses. Just talking to others who suffer your wife's illness might help you get some useful insight and support.
Finally, you need to get yourself up to the GP's. Being a primary carer is exhausting, mentally draining and extremely hard work.
I hope this helps a bit. Good luck.

"Schmalzing the whole 'would MN say this to a woman?' is lazy. Do you really think a woman writing the exact same words as the OP would get a different variety of responses? I suspect she would get worse tbh because women are supposed to be caring."

well tbh I did a search of similar key words and the thread I could find closest to it (it was worded slightly better) was a woman with a medical problem which was causing depression. She had fallen out of love with him, had ended the marriage and had included a reference to being chatted up by a good looking man and the facvt that she still had sexual urges.
Nobody calling her a twat. nobody calling her some of the things this OP has been called. Just advice. Even those saying she should stay were saying she should do so to see if the meds help, which is different to what many are saying here as even then staying was to give the DH a chance to get better not that she should be staying indefinitely till he gets better.

For what it's worth I come down on the side that has a lot of sympathy for the OP. I've never been in the position of having to care for a partner long term, I can only imagine that being thrust into that role having probably never given it much thought before must be incredibly different. (and I know that no matter how bad it is for the OP the DW has had it worse, but this thread is predominantly about the OP)

He's come on because he's no longer in love with his wife. He's included pretty much all the pertinent information so as not to drip feed and to be very honest. I doubt having to write the details which he knows paint him as selfish was easy but they are his feelings, when looking for advice it would have been pointless to only give the stuff that's painted him in a good light.

I'm not saying every one should be falling over themselves to vindicate him leaving his wife, just that I don't think a situation like this is black and whit. He's looked after his wife and son for 6 years as he should have done. Unfortunately this has taken a toll on his mental state and his relationship. I doubt that's something the OP wanted or planned on but it has happened.
He now feels like he's fallen out of love with his wife, he misses the intimacy which was a large part of his relationship and he feels very alone and unfulfilled by his life. Now all of this and more is almost definitely also affecting his wife but that doesn't make the OP suffering mutually exclusive.

Some of the things people are piling in with as well just seem like looking for a reason to pile on the OP.

Referring to his son instead of "our son" sending some people into a witchhunt is just inventing a reason to slate the OP. People constantly interchange our son/ my son etc. especially when they are talking as a single entity. It's especially odd when some of the vitriol returned was along the lines of "don't you dare take her son away" - well is he no longer their son but now hers?
Ditto the issue of "taking" the son etc. he's the primary carer.

Similar with the marital vows argument is being very selective.

This isn't to say that the OP is a saint and leaving his wife without anyone being allowed to judge him is his god given right. There are always going to be selfish motivations for leaving a partner when you have simply fallen out of love with them, and people are free to judge him as such.
However I would have a certain amount of sympathy for someone in his position. I'd like to hope I'd stick by my OH should anything ever befall them and I love her so much I believe I would. But this may be a relationship where their love may not have seen the relationship survive even if both had remained completely healthy and hadn't encountered such testing matter.
I also think that it must have a huge psychological toll the fact that his wife in effect has come through the major illness but is still suffering the effects. I'd imagine (and as I've said throughout I have no personal experience) that when you are dealing with the primary medical issue , be it cancer or kidney failure etc, there is a definite feeling of a goal or a finish line. All the suffering will be worth it because you'll beat this thing together and you can get back to something resembling normal. But then when you do get to the end there is no actual finish line. The OP is now wondering "Is this the rest of my life?"
Once again I don't think these are decisions I'd make given what I perceive to be the strength of my relationship but I'd also acknowledge that I'm human so really I have no how I'd react to such an trying scenario, I have nothing but admiration for those who have the strength to support their partners.

**
well tbh I did a search of similar key words and the thread I could find closest to it (it was worded slightly better) was a woman WHO HAD A DH with an undiagnosed medical problem which was causing depression. She had fallen out of love with him, had ended the marriage and had included a reference to being chatted up by a good looking man and the fact that she still had sexual urges.

*all that and I messed up in the first para

There is definitely an issue wit how his wife feels day to day. I have had similar and with support and diet and good doctors she can improve this. Is she on a PPI to protect her stomach from the meds? I was and later found out that as well as blocking acid it also stops certain nutrients being absorbed and I was hugely deficient in loads. I had been on these drugs 5 plus yrs yet in the US they are only given in short bursts if the patient is symptomatic and they don't seem to have this problem. He body will be shot from the MRSA too I had it whilst on dialysis and i took months to come back from it. But a good functioning transplant should give her a good life so something is wrong. If I was in her shoes though I would postpone working until I got my life back

I hope i don't sound preachy I am just passionate about this as I know lots of other transplant patients who also don't seem to have a life as I think after dialysis etc they have forgotten how. I really feel for you all but you need to ask yourself even if she does get 'better' will it be teh right relationship for you.

I wonder what kind of part time work she does. If she's capable of getting herself dressed, travelling, then working and mixing with people for several hours, then travelling back home, even though it exhausts her, surely she must be capable of reciprocating a kiss or a cuddle now and then? And with the mutual understanding, of course, that it won't lead to sex for the time being.
If she loves her husband why can't she at least be affectionate sometimes? It really doesn't take all that much energy to show a little affection. But maybe she doesn't want to and chooses not to. Maybe she hasn't loved the OP for quite some time. Who knows?
This case can't be quite the same as a severely disabled housebound invalid who can only lie in bed or sit in a wheelchair all day. To someone like that the ability to work at all is completely out of the question.
If anyone has enough energy to go out into the world to a job somewhere, several days a week, that person must have enough energy to return a kiss and a cuddle sitting on a sofa or lying in bed, surely to goodness. So if what the OP is saying is correct she simply cannot love him.

It's not always as black and white as that at all. ^

Depression can also take away any want or need for physical contact, or the poor woman might be so exhausted she just doesn't want any after work. Or maybe she feels so low or so insecure in herself after all this?

This is why the OP needs to speak to his wife instead of giving her time limits.

sorry cross post

Something seems amiss here. Your tone from your initial OP has changed drastically from 'leaving wife due to illness' to now 'leaving due to falling out of love'.

It seems highly unlikely to me that if you have been as supportive and emotionally caring as you claim - that she would push you away even now.

I think you may have given up on the relationship a while ago and have pulled back a lot. Which has escalated the lack of physical affection you feel you receive. Not that there is anything wrong with that - but it certainly seems more likey than you being the perfect husband for years and your DW being the 'bad person' for never reciprocating.

Acknowledge that the situation has changed you both as people and that this isn't what you wanted from life.

I can sort of understand this and accept this has been extremely hard on you too - but I won't sing your praises and tell you that you are doing the right thing as I feel you could recover from this - you just don't want to.

Advise your wife to get help from her renal team to stop the shattering exhaustion. Clearly her levels aren't completely right.

I think the carer often gets overlooked when one party to the marriage is very ill. I saw it happen to my mother. The sick person, naturally enough, gets all the resources and in the case of my father, all the attention (he even became a bit of a local media star because of his condition), and there are no resources to help the carer deal with it.

But actually leaving a very ill partner is terribly callous. My mother had a similar relationship with my father for the last decade, and she couldn't bring herself to do it, although she had plenty of offers.

Your wife might die soon because of her condition. How could you have leaving her in those circumstances on your conscience?

But of course relationships do fail with ill people as well as with healthy people. Your post reads very callous. You seem almost critical of your wife for trying to hold down a part time job, which is a very brave act and only really something to be admired. There is no tenderness or compassion in what you write, and barely any sympathy. You almost describe her a bit like an object which has become faulty. It is quite likely the relationship is like this because of your attitude, and not your wife's illness. In which case, you risk committing the horrible, unforgiveable act of leaving your sick wife for a series of meaningless relationships quite likely designed to fail. Its sleazy. I think the circumstances are such that do be a decent person, you have to act like one, despite how you feel, and do the decent thing.

My views might be different if your wife's illness was her own fault in any way. I know my father's was caused by his lifestyle, but even then my mother couldn't leave him. That's a special kind of callous act that only a certain type of person could do. Don't become that person.

Shattering exhaustion?
Anyone who has enough energy to go out to work at all has enough energy to cuddle someone. That's all I'm saying. Maybe there's no love left in the marriage either way. Depression can't be used to excuse everything.