Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

You say she's not the woman you married but of course she's not, she's been seriously ill!

Im sure Im not the woman dh married. Im a bit bigger and older and have had mh issues. That's life.

lol... at all the muppets telling the OP to "man up", "go have a wank" and conveniently quoting marriage vows to him. Many I'm sure doing so out of the other side of their faces - yes, you know who you are I'm sure. It seems grinning and bearing is something only men have to do.

OP, its your life and at the end of it, you need to be able to say "I did what I thought was best".

Does your post sound selfish?... Yes.

Are you allowed to be selfish?.... ABSOLUTELY - there's is no shame in being selfish when it come to your happiness in life. Don't let these fools guilt-trip you into a decision you'll regret 25-20 years from now, because they won't be there picking up the pieces for you. Only you can decide how much or how long you are willing to persist with the status quo. It is not immoral to pursue your own happiness.

Some very moving posts on here. Noddy and May, here are some .

15-25 years from now... not in a time warp.

Oh dear. I am practically ( not as serious as cancer) , your wife.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can.

If you take her boy away from her, you may well destroy her.

If you still cared for her, you wouldn't do this to her.

I'm not sure you actually understand the meaning of marriage.

I also really understands his frustration. I have a friend with cancer, and basically working took away all her energy. and yes she was working for the $$$, the fear of losing her job, and as it makes her feel normal.

But if OPs wife is so kackered that she cant participate in family life, she should reconsider.

I really think you both have had the stuffing knocked out of you. But given the "mirror" comment upathread, I also agree that you need to get some proper help before you make any major decisions.

I think she sounds very depressed to be honest

possessions apart from my boy
ffs

Dialysis really affects you mentally I found the idea of being kept alive by a machine very difficult and then suddenly you are 'cured' but you aren't really and you are on tenterhooks with every sensation in your body in case something is going wrong. But you can overcome all of this. I have always been freelance as I think my life is more important than work but initially i thought work would make everyone see me as normal again but I was so knackered I never saw anyone. We jointly decided to be happy with less materially and financially to have a life which was emotionally and socially very similar to before. As I have said you can if you really love each other find a way to make this whole thing work ~FOR you which I know sounds unbelievable but it can be done.

Well, it's a shame my original post was deleted, I think it was high time the OP got a taste of what it really looked like but I was obviously too harsh.
He did after all want a males perspective too so I called it like I saw it!

I will refrain from commenting further

"Well, it's a shame my original post was deleted, I think it was high time the OP got a taste of what it really looked like but I was obviously too harsh.
He did after all want a males perspective too so I called it like I saw it!

I will refrain from commenting further"

....Look everybody, I'm leaving the room now

Childish

Maybe the 'my boy comment' was because the OP has practically been the sole career for him and it was a slip of the tongue not some thing sinister like pp are insinuating. I often call my DDs 'my girl'

Also at the comments regarding taking DS. as it would destroy the DW. The DS is allowed a life too. I went to go live with my DGM when I was 9 as my DM was ill nearly all my childhood. It was bloody oppressive in my house. I'm not advocating the OP leaving but tbh I was glad to be normal, to run around, shout, laugh.

Wtf ola?

Andy - I referenced a part of your post. Yes it was forthright,, but certainly worthy and honest. If I find posts objectionable, I move on. I guess you got squealed on,,, not a huge surprise but I AM surprised MN acted upon said squealing. Diversity of opinions is what makes life - and forums - interesting.

ola

Gosh ola , you have a very aggressive posting style don't you.

Ola :)

IMO you need carer support, couples counselling, and some fun. Both of you sound depressed and fed up for understandable reasons. I'm wondering if you both feel similar but no one is verbalising it?

Do you love her? If so fight man!

Zombie has been on both sides of this.

She was celibite for the last 12 years of her marriage to her late husband because of his health. It never, ever occurred to her to leave him, have an affair or do anything other than love and support him.

As many of you know she recently finished 20 months of treatment for breast cancer as well as having a couple of other health issues during that time. Some of you may also know that her current husband started having an affair a year ago and recently left her to live with his mistress. He obviously has a different moral / ethical code than Zombie does.

The OP has my sympathy. Being ill doesn't automatically make you good/kind/ a partner and that is what OP is describing - the partnership is gone. His wife is tired, she pursues things for her (work) without considering the family. Their esprit de corps is gone.

My Father stayed with my Mother when she became ill. She bore him no consideration at all and towards the end bore us her children no consideration. She wanted what she wanted and didn't give a fig about the cost to those she was demanding help/support from. At what point can you stop providing support to someone who is sabotaging their life in a way which will negatively impact on you?

My sibs and I badly wanted family therapy she refused to go. All my memories now are tainted by her refusal to offer us any consideration, refusal to accept care that meant she could have participated in "normal" activities albeit briefly. I find it overwhelmingly sad and upsetting that she allowed her concern about the stigma of using a wheelchair to prevent her attending things that would have meant a lot to us - graduations, the theatre, art galleries.

I'm angry and grieving but unless you have walked in the shoes of caring for someone who doesn't care for you then I don't think you can understand.

So OP I would suggest counselling and I would also say that 9months after my Mother died my family are in a better place than we have been for years.

He is clearly the main carer as his wife doesn't participate on family life.

Personally i wouldn't want someone looking after me and I have told my wife this. She is too young to give up her
life to look after me and if I couldn't or didn't want sex with her I would quite openly let her find that elsewhere.

I would have a discussion on the lines of "it's ok if you don't want to have sex ever again, but would you mind
If I did as its important to me and I can't imagine going through life without this"...

If she doesn't agree then maybe it is time to go. As
For taking your son....that comment was a bit harsh. Parenting is a shared responsibility and a shared joy and should always be treated that way. Men have no rights to full custody of their child as women don't.

Kids also grow up! Mine has and I literally never see him. A parents job is to get them to become a decent adult. Once they get there, it is to guide them when needed as help them out where you can.

This isn't about whether he wants to have sex but about whether they still want to have a sexual relationship now.