Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

I hope I was not too harsh. I wanted to put it plainly as I saw it. Only you know how much you really value your wife, how much you love her.

The way you post is great, I don't have an issue with that and honestly I think the position you find yourself in is one that we would all find very hard indeed to cope with.

You seem very honest - keep that, it is a good thing. We like that on here.

Misdee I am really sorry to hear the latest.

Have you got a thread going on at the moment?

Much love xx

Misdee so sorry thinking of you and praying everything works out xxxxxxx

I have such mixed feelings about your post Cricket. I had a double transplant (kidney with another organ) 6 and a half years ago. I was 26 when I had my transplant and was very poorly before I received the most amazing gift of life from my wonderful donor who very sadly had his life cut short at the age of 19. I had complications post transplant and have needed further surgeries including an open nephrectomy to remove one of my native kidneys. I have been one of the very lucky ones though, I've not had any episodes of rejection post transplant and I've been generally well with just a few blips along the way. I have been with my fantastic DH since we were 22 and we got married the year after my transplant. I first became ill when I was 12 although I was never treated like a sick person by my parents and I led a fairly normal life until a couple of years before transplant. I think in your DW's position it would have been harder for her as her illness developed in adulthood.
After my transplant my DH and I sat in the hospital and made a list of everything we could do when I recovered as we had been quite restricted before. I was on very high dose immunosuppression after tx and I wasn't allowed to go to any public place like shopping centres, cinema etc for 6 months so I had alot of planning time! We went to Italy to get married, went to Hong Kong and Thailand on honeymoon (much to the horror of my transplant drs!), went to New York, Vegas and around Europe. These kind of things were much easier for DH and I to do though as we weren't parents. Have you thought about sitting down with DW though and looking at things that you could both do or do with your DS? Also, do you think DW has fully recovered from her transplant? Are her iron levels ok?
I was told after my transplant that it would be very unlikely that I would ever have children as I've had so much extensive surgery over the past few years. I proved the drs wrong though and had my DS nearly 3 years ago and am currently 38 weeks pregnant with my second child :) having had DS though the difference in levels of tiredness has been quite acute. I do think that the medication really makes you tired/exhausted anyway but that combined with a child bringing home illness and bugs and being on high levels of immunosuppressants really does affect you so this could also be contributing to your DW's energy levels.
On one level, reading your post breaks my heart a bit thinking that my DH may feel/have felt like this. I know for me personally I don't always like to acknowledge too much everything that my DH does for us as a family, as well as working very long hours. I feel that by my making a point of it he may think 'oh yes I do so much and my life would be better off without her'. Reading your post makes me think maybe I should say something.
In terms of resuming a sex life, this happened for us when I was about 3 months post tx. Up until that point though I was terrified - my transplant involved opening me up from below breastbone to top of pubic bone, having my bowels removed temporarily etc so I felt very fragile. I also felt very conscious of all of my scars. Do you think these are issues that could be affecting your DW?
Lastly, do you think your wife could be depressed? Luckily it hasn't affected me but I know that it is extremely common in transplant recipients.
I do feel for you and your post has opened my eyes too. I really hope things can be worked out. Please try talking to your DW. I know for me I would much rather my DH spoke to me about any issues as I think I would know that things weren't right and I would imagine all sorts of awful scenarios in my head but would probably be too scared to address them.
Sorry for the epic post!

Clucky, you sound like an incredible person and I am sure your DH is very happy and grateful to be married to you.

awesome post clucky.

all too often all you can see is what you can't do not you can. One way or another you still need joint dreams and joint plans. that's one thing that contributes to intimacy

You do sound amazing clucky. I have had 2 and the difference with and without children is enormous. When you decide to have kids together I think it is in situations like these that it is more of a commitment than marriage tbh. If you are 'just' married and one gets ill and can't cope then you can walk away much easier. But when you create another life together you commit to that as a joint thing. Ill health can strike anyone anytime x

Still suggest the two of you, after having that conversation, start with your GP. Your wife needs a full check. Maybe she has another, Undiagnosed condition...it needs exploring. I personally would consider having a conversation with your GP first then going along together.

Even if she doesn't know it I'm sure she's pissed off to the back teeth with her life. The fact that she is seemingly showing little interest in your son is even more telling than her lack of interest in you.

Please don't pay for sex. I hope very much it does return to your life soon, though.

Arthritic,
I rather feel that your response to the OP perfectly demonstrates the judgemental approach that MN sometimes has to posters.
Perception is obviously subjective, but IMO many readers of MN would agree that advice given to posters varies according to the gender of that poster.
As stated earlier, I think the OP has been treated abominably by some MNers, and he has been unduly scrutinised in his choice of words. 'my boy/our boy', I mean, ffs.
Good luck Cricket.

Betty thats not always true Take a look at one of the threads i linked in here entitled "should i go elsewhere for sex" I dont think it varies according to gender.....certainly not all the time.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/285267-ended-my-marriage-last-night-dont-know-if-i-can

But on this one with similar factors : illness, falling out of love, attention from the opposite sex, thoughts of taking kids away. Yet none of the vitriol

Some people have analysed my words in detail and made big things out of them, for example me saying “my boy” like he’s mine and not hers. It’s just a way of talking, of course he’s OUR boy but that’s just the way I talk sometimes. Don’t try and twist my words or read in to things that aren’t there.

Yeah they tend to do that A LOT here (whispers - particularly to men)

Have you talked to her about it yet? Hopefully you'll be able to come up with a plan together to improve things.

OP I think you're getting flamed here unfairly. Your post was quite selfish granted, but you also deserve credit for holding the fort for a number of years and bearing the brunt of domestic, parenting, financials and caring for your wife which must be very draining.

However you are married to her and you need to communicate with her and attempt to facilitate some changes to try and improve things.
Can you ask her to try and do one family or couple based thing every other weekend? Could you try spending a night in together with a takeaway and no tele and have a good chat? Could you go on a relaxing weekend together?

If you try and make some small changes and communicate with your wife you may be able to see some way to a happier life.

I wish you all the very best.

mayorquimby - I just read the previous thread, the comparison is bollocks.

in the other thread the woman had been trying for years to make it work but promises made by the "D"H were broken, the prospect of illness was recent and seriously having an illness that results in extreme tiredness does not mean you have to put financial strain on the other party by overspending online. Hence the lack of vitirol

This thread is very different. Some of what the OP said was pretty vile, it was absolutely right that was pointed out. However caring for serious illness is difficult, having a serious illness is difficult, Learning how to best fufil your responsibilities to each other can and should be an ongoing process. If one person is unhappy in a relationship a disconnect happens. You've got to work out the reason for that unhappiness to look at ways to work round it

I showed this to my dp and he was shocked. He says it has never crossed his mind.

YY Paperlantern Illness is no excuse for financial abuse.

You are right ignore the ' all men are * responses - flick through the relationship posts on MN and they tend to be about problems with men ( us women are not perfect either). and all credit to you for resisting what men are saying to you (to find something ' no strings' of the pay for it or online sitescvariety) - clearly this works for some men ( tho that is very baffling to us women and that's before you get into the ' have the women truly chosen to do this or are they being trafficked or coerced or have a drug problem and are vulnerable for whatever reason etc aspect).

Heartbreakingly you want what women want a man to want : affection and intimacy - a connection that is not just sex but emotion. And you had it and it's gone and you don't know what to do.

God bless whoever posted the selfish pigs guide to caring link. that sounds like it might contain some good advice.

Being a carer is super tough : everyone focuses on the ill person. The carer is supposed to subsume themselves ; the ill person is not to be criticised ' because they are ill'. It is unlikely to be that simple. The carer might be utterly selfless n the ill person fabulously selfish at times.

But if you can both find a way to communicate - feel positive - there is hope. Don't give up! Don't be too proud to get professional help ( via a charity, your GP etc). Someone neutral so neither of you feel judged.

Good luck to the three of you. You have survived so far. Your wife is ill but not dying. You have a child which is a fantastic blessing. You have your health and a job which can support all 3 of you.

Paperlantern - what have I ever said that is vile? That is a very strong word. Or maybe you mean things I haven't said?

Noddy - what was your dp shocked by? Do you get affection from him?

Seriously - have you looked at the amount of support you have had from me on this thread, and your going to pick me up for the word vile?

"If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me."

Really this is vile and all the posters who picked you up on it were spot on. threatening to remove your son from your sick wife and linking your son with your possessions in any way shape or form even if it is just linguistically is vile.

BUT I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who is involved with caring and adjusting to the changes involved with that.

I suggest you reread my posts all eight of them.

I didn't think the son was being considered as one of the possessions, but as part of the "everything", that being the one part of his life he couldn't give up.

sorry but actually in sharing residency with your wife you are not giving up your child. As I said it may be simply a linguistic error but that to me is still vile. Clearly I am not the only one who thought so

Why would he share residency, he is the primary carer?

Yep, Suelford. You thinking this is 'vile' was based on your misunderstanding of syntax, paperlantern.

Suelford not really relevant to the points on the thread, or one that as an outsider I would want to make a judgement on

Again I suggest you reread my posts - all of them and the rest of the thread