Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

is he the primary carer though? It sounds like a couple with a son going along fine one of them gets ill and that wreaks havoc with their set up. She has treatment which works but is taking a while to really recover. Both work and the one who has been ill is knackered at weekends. other one finding his change of pace unacceptable. They are a unit a family and one has had a huge life changing illness you don't just walk without trying everything

It sounds to me that you didn't fully appreciate how your OP was going to come across (hence didn't appreciate the complexity of what you were feeling).

I'm very glad you did post - and got the torrent of horror - because imo you had started to go off track with your thoughts and feelings. No doubt because you are so unhappy. It has been a long and very gruelling ride.

I don't know what's going on with your wife, except that she has been exceptionally ill - which would account for a lot. [Posters seem to have generally missed that she contracted MRSA which very probably considerably added to the assault on her body.] Communication between you seems to be nonexistent - does she know the depth of your unhappiness? You seem to be casting around in despair.

Some posters have recommended support networks that would at least puncture your feelings of intense isolation and despair - I hope you find some solace there. ime there is nothing like meeting others in the same position, eperiencing the same things. It is not at all surprising that you are beyond your wits end to the point that everything is becoming distorted and you are desperate for your deep unhappiness to be alleviated.

I don't think here was the place to pour out your feelings - and maybe your choice showed not only that you feel you have nowhere to turn but also that you dont appreciate the depth and complexity of your current mental and emotional state.

As others are saying, do turn to the professionals as imo what you are facing - individually and collectively - does warrant sensitive and professional support.

I wish you all well. There are no winners in this - so far. I do hope you all come to a place of peace. I do sincerely hope that the depth of despair you are currently experiencing is addressed and you find a way out of this deeply painful place.

Paperlantern , To be fair the sentence where I bundled up our son with our house and car and possesions was very badly worded and clumsy. It sounds bad on reflection but I feel vile is too strong. Point taken though.

How would you feel if the positions were reversed ?

Above all I want that woman to be my wife. I will take things very slowly with my wife but I will not wait forever

This sentence makes me so so sad. I've only been with my partner 3 years, I'm 22, he 28, and honestly both of us couldn't give a feck if we never had sex again as long as we were together. It's a big thing in a relationship, especially at the start but it's not the be all and end all.

OP first of all please try and see if you can get your wife further support, and a possible diagnosis of something underlying before you make ultimatums. I know it must feel like you're getting very little from the relationship at the minute, but now is not the time for that. Concentrate on getting her better and see if that helps. If not, then you're fully entitled to call it a day and find happiness on your own.

This sentence makes me so so sad. I've only been with my partner 3 years, I'm 22, he 28, and honestly both of us couldn't give a feck if we never had sex again as long as we were together.

Well I have been with my husband over 20 years and I would give lots of fecks if we never had sex again. I am not saying I would necessarily leave him, but I would certainly find it very difficult, as would he.

Your sentence makes me so sad - physical intimacy is a treasured part of our relationship. Frankly, your sex life must be a bit shit if you could give it up without any regrets.

cricket- you may feel vile is too strong I really don't.

but if you look at the rest of the support you have had from me in this thread perhaps you'll see why I'm surprised you picked up on something that was comparatively minor to what I felt we're the major issues in your Op.

OP You must be feeling desperate to come on to Mumsnet, and ask for advice and share your feelings. I understand some of the things you are trying to cope with must be hard, and don't want to be judgemental. You have said you have talked to your wife several times about the lack of sex (I presume) but have you talked to her about other aspects of your life together/your son etc? Your relationship? (How was she with your son before she got ill?) I can see that you must feel resentful that she uses any spare energy for her job, but it probably makes her feel less dependent and fragile. I agree with others that you really should consider counselling or therapy (marital therapy and possibly family therapy too) I'm sure you could get this through the NHS because of what your wife has been through. The situation sounds desperate - act now.

cricket I think you are right your OP could have been better worded but your subsequent comments show you have taken on board a lot of what has been said (that was actually helpful ).

I wish you and your wife strength in sorting this out. it takes two to make a marriage.

As for some of the more recent vitriolic posts, i think the posters should really consider how exactly they are helping and what exactly it is in their own lives that makes them want to respond to another person who has asked for help in that way. how is it making anything better for anyone by using language such as vile and arsewipe? Judging someone else's life is easy, living it isn't.

Op has given us backstory and the only bit of advice he has asked for is how long he should give her.

For what exactly?

Sounds as if he wants to know how long does he give her to be well enough to have sex before he goes with one of the two women that have let him know they would be interested should he decide to go that way.

What happened to in sickness and in health.

What happened to "to love and to cherish"?

Your sentence makes me so sad - physical intimacy is a treasured part of our relationship. Frankly, your sex life must be a bit shit if you could give it up without any regrets

Thanks for that assumption. In fact it's brilliant why else would we have it everday but you don't need to know that. It's a treasured part of mine, however me and my partner love each other to the extent where if we had to sacrifice it, we would. If it meant losing each other or losing sex... The sex can do one! We're best friends as well and partners, no way would I give up that

But yeah thanks for your assumptions, god forbid someone doesn't see sex as the be all an end all their sex lives must be so shit

Sit with her on the sofa with a glass of wine and a movie and a big blanket. Rebuild the fact that you are not just mates who share a child but are and were more than that. I was very nervous with dp even though we have been together forever but you forget you are attractive when you are a mass of tubes and drugs and scars. I question whether you ever loved her tbh

Op, what are you going to do?

Incredibly rude May.

Just because someone is 22 that means they're not a grown-up? And Mills and Boon Novels? Really?

Not sure Strump is the one who needs to grow up here.

Through sickness & in health???? BUT I also do believe you must be happy.....

Heartbroken it's got nothing to do with being 22 and everything to do with coming on a thread where someone is very very unhappy about no physical intimacy in his relationship to tell them (in a rather sanctimonious way) that their own relationship is so fantastic sex doesn't matter. Who cares about that? Not the OP I am sure, who is tortured by the lack of it.

Then following that up with saying how often they are getting it and how 'brilliant' it is. I found it incredibly tactless and unsympathetic. I shouldn't have mentioned the bit about grown ups or Mills and Boon perhaps and I apologise to the poster. It was born of exasperation.

But saying that the loss of sex in a relationship is something to 'not give a feck about' is dismissive of the feelings of someone who is suffering and boasting about your own relationship is also pretty inappropriate. And telling anyone how often you are at it to prove some point is not very grown up, sorry.

'With my body I thee worship' Flowery. That one doesn't get mentioned so much.

It doesn't make someone under an obligation to have sex with their spouse, but it shows that the marriage vows do acknowledge sex as an important aspect of marriage as well as loyalty through difficult times.

May - Strump has offered previous advice to the OP during the thread and has been quite sensitive about it.

She's not bragging about her sex life - you've taken it that way! She was saying that even though her sex life is great, she would still rather have the love and companionship.

FWIW I agree with her. Having lived with someone who behaved as if sex were the most important thing in our relationship, it honestly killed the passion for me. It was as if without the sex, there WAS no relationship. Never mind the years we had together, the three children we had together, the fact that we were best friends, none of this was as important to him as 'the sex'.

I do still feel that the OP is getting an awful lot of sympathy (maybe rightly so) but I feel little of it. Badly worded OP is one thing, but then to come back and bitch about MN and how awful it is? Well...

She was saying that even though her sex life is great, she would still rather have the love and companionship.

^That is a reasonable statement. To say you wouldn't give a 'feck' if you never had sex with your partner again is a very different statement and that was what I was incredulous about. That you could give up physical intimacy of in a marriage and not feel any sadness or regret.

That does not mean sex is the most important thing in a marriage, but it is important and it is not helpful to belittle or dismiss its role in a committed and loving relationship.

Heartbrokenmum does it really matter if you or anyone else could settle for love and companionship? It's not going to make that acceptable for the OP. I also think that someone saying that is fine for them can imply taking some kind of moral high ground. There is nothing wrong with thinking sex is important is there? Though I hear how your experience with your partner, and his elevation of this aspect of your relationship above all else must have been very hurtful and I am sorry to hear that :(

But I don't get the impression that for the OP this is all, or even, necessarily mostly, about sex. I think it is more about his wife's lack of engagement with him and their son, her prioritisation of other things like work. I think the way he worded his OP might have alienated some people but I get the impression of someone who feels very hurt and rejected.

Like it or not and not wanting to generalise too much many men express a lot of their feelings of love through sex. I don't get the impression that the OP has been terribly demanding or impatient. He is even pilloried by some on here for showing his wife affection because it is assumed that she sees this as a prelude to sex.

I have a male friend who is in agony about his marriage because though he and his wife still have a sex life he gets the impression she only tolerates it and she has withdrawn from him physically apart from that - shows no affection, is not tactile. It is this he misses.

I also get the impression that the OP is hurt for his son because he sees his wife as a bit disengaged from him, too. This may be because of her illness - I have had health problems and they made me self absorbed - but it may not.

Some people on here have been offended by him saying that he has had sexual opportunities and not taken them. He really doesn't deserve a medal for that, no and it doesn't come across that well. But he's a young man and to want sex is pretty normal. It would be only human to be tempted. Let's not forget that lots of men whose wives are not sick, whose wives are in fact, attentive and fit take any sexual opportunity that comes their way.