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Relationships

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Do I leave my ill wife?

969 replies

cricketnut77 · 30/10/2013 12:13

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 22:09

Actually I used to often get called an MRA because of my views Hmm , so please don't try and suggest I'm one of the ones being sexist

I'd say exactly the same either way Smile

WarmFuzzyFuture · 31/10/2013 23:01

I would have said pretty much what firsttimer and SolidGold said.

Bettylafea · 31/10/2013 23:15

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BettySwalloxs · 01/11/2013 00:04

Betty, the pious sanctimony in your post is clear, but it is not particularly helpful to the OP.

kotinka · 01/11/2013 00:07

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TiredDog · 01/11/2013 00:16

He's not a prize twat. He's a man who is not feeling any love in his marriage and his wife happens to be ill. Two issues related but not necessarily dependant on each other.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/11/2013 00:31

But then I don't think anyone should sacrifice their life to caring for someone who is unwell in a way that will never improve, if they find the prospect of doing so unbearable. Some people find it easier than others would to care longterm, give up all spontaneity, have little or no money to spare, see someone suffering in a way that can't be alleviated, put up with the understandable angry outbursts, etc, whether it's a partner, a child or an elderly relative.

It is honestly better for all concerned to walk away if you can't stand it any more. A mix of professionals, family and friends all doing their share and having time off is much better than one poor sod trapped doing it 24/7 and so unhappy that s/he is unable not to at least snap and snarl at the sick person.

superstarheartbreaker · 01/11/2013 05:42

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Grennie · 01/11/2013 06:44

Sgb the reality in these situations is either the person is left with no help, or a parent steps in and does it all instead. Your example is unrealistic.

Kandypane · 01/11/2013 07:47

Hi sorry I haven't got the time to read the whole thread and this might already have been mentioned, but my initial thoughts are:

Could your wife be depressed? She has been through a lot. To not even smile at you rings alarm bells. And not spending time with her son. To me this sounds like depression.

She might not show affection because she's scared that you will expect it to lead to sex. You could try reassuring her you just want a cuddle? Until she feels ready. Make sure she doesn't feel pressured at all. Pressure = complete libido killer.

Although, yes you could have worded things differently, I think it's naive of people to think anyone wouldn't be frustrated by the ways things are after years of no affection.

Just my 2 pennies worth

LovesBeingHereAgain · 01/11/2013 07:54

If you want things to improve then you have to do something about. You need to talk to your wife, how happy is she really? Have your tried talking to other carers?

hoboken · 01/11/2013 08:02

You say your son is the most important 'thing' in your life. His mother's illness means she cannot do as much with him as he would like. I do not see how your leaving will help him at all, only you. Or do you plan to take him from her as well? Having sex is that important is it? To make sure you get some at the expense of the feelings of your wife and son. Harsh, but life has been far harsher on your wife and son has it not?

treadheavily · 01/11/2013 08:07

I think it sounds bloody hard, for all of you, and as if you could do with more support.

I am sorry that you have received so many harsh responses. Many posters in the relationships section tend to be terribly holier than thou, and simply cannot tune in to real life. There is often an in-thread competition to deliver the most withering post. It is the posting equivalent of wanking.

ivykaty44 · 01/11/2013 08:15

I wonder how I would feel if my life changed from an illness, I guess at first the people around would be supportive but after 6 years of illness I wonder if they would care less than they did in the beginning? How would it feel to go from a bubbly gregarious woman with lots of energy spending time running and playing with my family to one who can barely function and sleeps at the weekends.

Then watch my family operating without me going out having fun but not being able tp join in. Having my personality change and my husband change towards me as I am not the same person I was 7 year ago.

I guess I hope he would stick around, hope he would have patients, hope he doesn't mind me being so very jealous of his time with our son and his health. I wonder if it would cross my mind I would be better off not hear would that be better for my son or would my son rather have a mother in a body of an 85 year old than a mum buried in the graveyard.

Working may give my life a sense of purpose and self esteem possibly taking that away would send me in to a spiral of depression.

Not having sex for a long time can become a habit and then a scary prospect to change.

I wonder how I would feel growing up with a sick mum, if then dad took me away and she was really sick I wouldn't get much time with her as visits would be what a couple of hours a week as she is so weak - a bit like visits to grandma, then that would be hard. At least when you live with her even if she can't join in she was there and a comfort to have a mum.

ivykaty44 · 01/11/2013 08:17

She might not show affection because she's scared that you will expect it to lead to sex. You could try reassuring her you just want a cuddle? Until she feels ready. Make sure she doesn't feel pressured at all. Pressure = complete libido killer.

This is spot on, so very true and so many men don't understand this and total ignore it

Twelvebarblues · 01/11/2013 08:22

OP if I were in your situation, feeling the way you do, I honestly couldn't say I'd be able to stick with it for the rest of my life.

Similarly, if I were the DW in this situation I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me, particularly out of a sense of duty. I hope you find the least painful way through this.

ithaka · 01/11/2013 08:29

I have reflected further on this thread, having posted earlier (my DM left my ill dad, it was fine, he remarried).

I think that the suggestions some posters have made for couples counselling could be useful, and I speak as someone who is not a fan of counselling in general.

I think you both need to tease through your feelings for each other. If there is still a spark of the love from when you married, then that should be worked on and nurtured by both of you. I am afraid I do not wholly exempt the OP's wife from taking some responsibility for her marriage on the basis she is ill. Marriage does take two people.

If you have fallen out of love with each other, then you need to be able to find a way to separate that will be least damaging to all involved.

The sanctimonious posters should bear in mind that this marriage may not have made the distance, regardless of the wife falling ill - many don't these days.

They should also remember that when parents separate, residency of the child is usually with the primary carer on the basis of what is best for the child.

laughingeyes2013 · 01/11/2013 09:31

Your wife has been near death's door and back. You will have carried years of worry over her life and wellbeing and it sounds like you are tired. For that reason alone (and there are many more reasons besides) I would strongly recommend you seek professional counselling.

However, no one can fully understand the inner journey our wife has travelled, and still is travelling to some degree no doubt.

When someone had a transplant they take awful medication to help prevent the body from rejecting the donor organ, the sort of medication that has terrible side effects. The sort of side effects that can keep you down physically. And that's without physically trying to repair all the toil of surgery, illness and massive weight loss.

I have no doubt your wife could reasonably be clinically depressed, it would be impossible for her to escape it fully with all she has been through. And it is common knowledge that depression is a libido killer. So is tiredness. And so it how you feel about yourself.

I have Multiple Sclerosis and fatigue is my nemeses. I feel as though my body is a shell that I am now imprisoned within, and my body has gone from being something I can enjoy and rely upon, to something that does not cooperate with me anymore and has become the enemy!

When I am so desperately exhausted my world narrows down to just trying to survive one moment to the next. I lost my job because of my illness, despite trying all I can to keep working, and I live with that loss daily. I can fully understand why your wife would fight to keep her job. It is her purpose, her identity, her distraction and probably the only thing that had remained a constant and therefore something of a comfort to her as she grapples to find her way back to some resemblance of her former self.

I am deeply troubled by the impact this has on my husband and on my two sons. You can be sure that even if she doesn't verbalise it, your wife will be acutely aware of how you feel.

You do sound like your priorities are a bit mixed up. Sex above a lifetime with someone you love? What would you do if years down the line you suffer with erectile dysfunction as many men do in middle age. Would you be mortified if you were left on the basis of failure to 'perform'?

Someone who has been/is still as ill as your wife will not feel the same about their body. It will be very hard for her to feel attractive anymore even if she has got the energy.

I hope your relationship is deeper that just the sex though. If you love her as you should, there will be times of self sacrifice needed, just as she will also need to self sacrifice if she hasn't already. Your wife will be grieving loses already, the loss of her life as she knew it, the loss of her relationship with you as she knew it, the loss of a body that cooperates. Don't make someone you love also grieve the loss of a son and a husband.

Someone pointed out that her illness is hereditary and asked you about your son and how you would handle him getting it too. It goes without saying that in sure we all hope that doesn't happen to you, but it is bound to cross his mind as he watches your reaction to his Mum.

Your comment about other people being interested in you is possibly a factor in your discontent too. Be very careful with that. There is a reason why we have a saying about the grass being greener on the other side. Don't be fooled, any new relationship will also have its problems, and could include illness too.

All of that said, I was brought up with a religious background of living according to the bible, and I do remember that it was often quoted how men and women should give of themselves to each other, both in practical love and in sexual love. Obviously this doesn't include reasonable problems like serious illness, but I would do feel a responsibility to find a way to fulfil that role as much as I can, and it does sound like you're upset because your wife is showing less interest in doing that than in working. Cue more counselling, I would suggest! Although as I said upstream, I can duly understand how she would be drawn to trying to get a sense of herself back through work when she probably hated her body at the moment and feels the least attractive she ever has.

Be glad you are not in her shoes, I hope one day you aren't (we all think "nothing like that will ever happen to ME") and that someone isn't on the internet talking about leaving you because of it.

When i worked night shifts I would look out of the window and notice how peculiar it is that the night really does get darker and darker and then suddenly reverses, just like the saying! Sometimes it's the darkest hour before the dawn in relationships too, and I have a sneaky feeling that if you remain true to your relationship now, and seek the help you clearly need, you will be glad for it in the future.

thegreylady · 01/11/2013 09:34

My post script is that I never for one moment doubted his love. I knew that MS along with all the other indignities can cause personality changes.
One of my treasured possessions is a little card. It was attached to flowers I received on Valentines Day 1986. It says "I still love you x" he wrote it in hospital. He died on March 5th that year. OP i wish you and your family happiness one way or another.

PatoBanton · 01/11/2013 09:40

It just sounds like you don't love her.

If you love someone, properly, you will want to be there with them and do anything for them all the way, for their whole life.

That is what love is.

Your marriage hasn't got it, from what you say...that's really sad.

She probably doesn't want sex with you because she knows you don't love her.

misdee · 01/11/2013 09:46

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misdee · 01/11/2013 09:48

and yes i'm being harsh as I left my dh at hospital yesterday with suspected chronic rejection of his transplanted heart.

get some conselling, stop thinking abut sex as the be all and end all. get your wife some help as well.

dh works as he needs to do that to give himself some purpose. when he is off work his mood is lower.

Keepithidden · 01/11/2013 10:08

OP - Some great advice on this thread IMO, okay so a lot of it is atrociously delivered, but look beyond the abuse you're getting and you'll see the wisdom from many.

The thing about a lot of the responses on here is that the posters seem to be able to disengage sex and love. This is something I can't do and maybe it's something you can't do either, so the "go have a wank" "stop thinking with your dick" crowd will pounce on your sexual frustration and blame you for being a typical sex-obsessed bloke*, without recognising that it is so much more to a lot of people: an expression of love and an essential bonding element in a marriage or longer term relationship. Empathy for sex/love issues can be in short supply on MN so don't feel bad for being frustrated from that side of things.

*Purely for stereotypical reasons, the gender divide is open to question but that's a whol other debate...

The lack of sex and the lack of affection is soul destroying and you have my sympathy even if I cannot offer any useful advice other than what others have suggested re: communication, counselling, and not having an affair (excluding the "leave your wife she deserves better" rubbish of course).

Broodymomma · 01/11/2013 10:18

My mum is 5 months post kidney transplant after 7 years of dialysis and honesty I see no difference in her now than before the transplant. She is still exhausted and feels unwell most of the time and though won't admit it is very depressed and can be very difficult to be around. People forget how hard it is for the family to live through.

In saying that you have a son and I honestly feel he and your wife need to be your priority. In this situation you sadly come last in your needs and as a husband and father you need to be the strong one. Is it easy no, frustrating certainly yes. Did you love your wife and were you happy prior o her illness? If so this can be worked on. She will never be the same person she was she has been to hell and back but she needs you. I am sure she would be distraught to see what you have posted. It's your decision nobody on a Internet site can tell you what to do but I do feel for you all.

paperlantern · 01/11/2013 10:38

Caring is difficult.

I agree with this "But then I don't think anyone should sacrifice their life to caring for someone who is unwell in a way that will never improve, if they find the prospect of doing so unbearable."

BUT when you have a responsibility to the person you are caring for the answer is you must find a way to make it bearable.

As anyone with a special needs child will tell you taking on a responsibility that you never planned for, didn't expect and alters the entirety of your life until either yours or your child's death, is not easy. But actually you have to find a way to make it work or the child goes into care.

please read Welcome to Holland it's about autism but is if you read the first line as getting married it is equally applicable to your situation.

Counselling for yourself to cope with the implications of the diagnosis on YOU. Caring must to a certain extent be about looking after your first, if you collapse the person who is depending on you will struggle too.

Counselling for both of you to work out how you start to make life bareable again for both of you.

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