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Original poster

Do I leave my ill wife?

969 replies

cricketnut77 · 30/10/2013 12:13

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

OP posts:
Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 12:51

But that aside, and I'm very sorry you you went through that by the way, overall the OP just needs to speak to his wife. No ultimatums, just letting her know how he feels without laying on the guilt trip.

Firsttimer7259 · 31/10/2013 12:53

Im a bit ashamed at how raging this thread is. OP you are in a sad situation and not running for the hills at the first sign of trouble. The idea that you should dutifully give up your happiness in life because of marriage vows is unrealistic and probably unhealthy, but then you are in difficult circumstances and the idea of your wife being left when she is so ill is horrifying.
Give it your best shot, go to couples counselling and join a carers support group. Work out if you can create a relationship and a life that brings you both joy and contentment and hopefully even some nookie.

Leaving will haunt you, working this through might give you a marriage to be envied even if you cant conceive of how that may look just now.
It will take a while but dont give up just yet, and dont listen to people who havent got a clue how desolate a carers life can feel and just know the hollywood version of serious LT illness. Real life is a different story but please try to give all of you a real chance of making it through

Itstartshere · 31/10/2013 13:50

I hope that the counselling helps.

Your DW needs to be tested for Epstein-Barr too, I've read of another transplant patient with it recently and her fatigue is overwhelming.

I think you sound exhausted and it must be awful getting no affection at all. That has to be the first thing you address. I wouldn't be surprised if she's totally disconnected from her body having seen it change and go through so much, she might have PTSD and need support viewing it as something positive once more. There are all sorts of ways you can be intimate even if you can't have sex, so don't despair. And sex is possible with severe fatigue too. You just have to adapt and she has to want that closeness with you in the first place. If she doesn't love you anymore then you have a right to leave. Having someone be your carer can mean you don't view them in a romantic light anymore, or she may have convinced herself you can't possibly find her attractive.

I also took issue with this idea that being very ill means you just have a grim life ahead of you. I am pretty seriously unwell, life can be an utter struggle, I also live it to the full where I am able to and much of my life is an utter hoot. I have tons of friends, lots of men interested in me, have more fun than all sorts of able bodied people. And I love sex. It's really depressing that people still think disabled/chronically ill = wasting away on a sofa living a life of utter misery.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 14:15

If the OP had come along and wrote like that women did he would have received a similar reaction to her I would have thought.

Instead he banged on about how taking the kid away, how he married her because she was good in bed, giving her time limits and didn't acknowledge her feelings... just to name a few.

Not that I don't understand the comparison, but if a woman had said the things the OP said she'd have got exactly the same reaction from me.

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2013 14:16

And a thread where a female poster got just as hard a time on here if not worse proving the point made by a previous poster that women get a harder time of it because they are expected to be caring.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1700729-Should-I-look-elsewhere-for-sex

noddyholder · 31/10/2013 14:17

Itstartshere Smile

kotinka · 31/10/2013 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 14:19

Good examples Darkest, very interesting actually! Thanks for those.

Darkesteyes · 31/10/2013 14:26

I have a husband who has disabilities. He ceased showing any affection towards me 17 years ago 10 years BEFORE he had his heart attack which caused his problems. There has been no sex between him and me in that time either. Seven years of no affection later (and i do mean no affection he doesnt even hold my hand) i had an affair before he had his heart attack. Most MN posters know my situ because ive posted it many times OP.
But to the outside world if i left all ppl would see is a bitch walking out on a disabled man.

Treen44444 · 31/10/2013 14:36

OP - it's up to you. If you are not happy then you should leave. For her sake and yours. It's tough but circumstances change.
I'd seek some legal advice too.

thegreylady · 31/10/2013 15:19

All I can offer is my own story. My dh had MS. As it progressed he became more and more abusive verbally and emotionally. He was vile to our dc who were very young when he was dx though he only treated them badly in the last few years. He hated to hear them laugh out loud and he hated them to have friends in the house. He drank three bottles of whisky a week and was incontinent and impotent. He was also a high powered academic who was dedicated to his work. I spent many hours reading aloud when his sight deteriorated.
Everyone told me to leave him but under it all he loved me and the dc. He loved me more than I loved him. The illness caused the abuse and changed my funny, loving dh into this cold angry man.
You don't leave someone because they are ill. If you do you are setting an appalling example to your ds. Do you think his mother doesn't love him? You want to take away her husband and her child and ask if you should?
No you bloody shouldn't!

VoiceofRaisin · 31/10/2013 15:58

greylady that is a very sad story. You did indeed make sacrifices. Looking back though, do you think that was the right thing to do? How did your DC like living with a parent who was vile to them, and an alcoholic and to have a mother who was busy falling over herself to serve him? Could you have done something else with your life that brought you and others more happiness? It is a delicate thing to suggest but was it about "duty" more than "love". If so, was it misplaced? Sorry if this is a difficult subject. Feel free to ignore. I am genuinely interested for personal reasons.

I feel that just because something is worthy or admirable to others, doesn't always mean it is the right choice for all concerned.

Bonsoir · 31/10/2013 16:18

Marriage (or otherwise committed relationships) is about responsibilities (duty, if you like) as well as about love.

arthriticfingers · 31/10/2013 20:00

Do I really need to remind posters that the OP said that if he left he would take their son with him, but leave his ill wife the car? Confused
We all face hard times and even harder decisions - but the above threat leaves me with no words.

Sandshoes73 · 31/10/2013 20:08

How much time should I give her?

Is she a pot roast?

mignonnette · 31/10/2013 20:09

If the OP does all the child care and the child sees him as the main carer then what is the issue w/ that? Nobody would have an issue w/ it if it was the other way round.

BettySwalloxs · 31/10/2013 20:25

I don't often post but this thread has 'de-lurked' me.

Some of the insults towards the OP have been downright scandalous and those same posters should hang their heads in shame.
The OP's 1st post may have been written differently in hindsight, but it seems that he is at the end of his tether in a crappy situation and is asking for help.
The man-bashing he has received is IMO unwarranted and unhelpful.
'Walk a mile in my shoes' etc.

Unreciprocated kisses and affection is a shitty place to be. Sad Sad

thegreylady · 31/10/2013 20:52

I walked in his shoes for 10 years. Every affectionate gesure was rebuffed. Every loving word sneered at. It was the illness not the man. How can you walk away when someone needs you most? Maybe you can. I often wished I could but it wasn'tpossible.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 20:56

^How much time should I give her?

Is she a pot roast?^

I really shouldn't laugh but

thegreylady · 31/10/2013 21:01

Voice it started and finished in love but a lot of the middle was just doggedness. My dad also had MS (bitter irony) and I watched my mum go through it.
My children have since told me I did the right thing. When he was sober and not tired he was so sorry. They knew he loved them but they went through some bad times. They have both grown into wonderful adults and good parents but I don't know if what I did was 'the best' it was just 'the only' choice for me. He died aged 45 and it was 28 years ago now. I have been happily married for nearly 25 years. I'm glad I stayed, he was a good man,destroyed by a cruel illness.

Switzer · 31/10/2013 21:01

"If the OP does all the child care and the child sees him as the main carer then what is the issue w/ that? Nobody would have an issue w/ it if it was the other way round"

Agreed! Op's wife seems to be too unwell to be the primary carer but I do think this needs to be ageed upon by both parties.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 21:02

Thegrey Thanks

Grennie · 31/10/2013 21:28

It is the case, if one partner gets seriously chronically ill, men are much more likely to walk away than women. Who knows which is the best course of action? But many of us, even if it is not until we are older, will end up being a carer to our partner.

Suelford · 31/10/2013 22:03

Definitely agree that there would never be any "don't you dare take his kids away" if this were a woman posting about leaving a husband.

And his "banging on about taking the kid away" seems to stem from a short sentence fragment about how he thinks his son would prefer to live with him.

Oh well, sexism on MN, news at eleven. OP, if you would like some links to more neutral advice sites, PM me.