Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

"If anyone has enough energy to go out into the world to a job somewhere, several days a week, that person must have enough energy to return a kiss and a cuddle sitting on a sofa or lying in bed, surely to goodness. "

Now I'm not saying anyone should be forcing themselves to fake intimacy etc. but one thing I can say from my experience of depression is the effect that this seeming dichotomy of a person being competent/social in public and then retreating into themselves in private takes a huge toll on many loved ones.

This isn't to place blame on someone suffering depression, it's simply trying to objectively look at both partners as an uninvested party.
Both are likely suffering if depression is an issue for a variety of different reasons. It's not a case of "ffs I'm sorry your wifes illness is making your life awkward but think of her.", because that's not really how relationships work. Situations like this present multiple issues for each party with varying degrees of severity. While we'd all acknowledge the wife is objectively coming off worse, that doesn't change the subjective effect on the partner of anyone who suffers with such a debilitating illness.

Is the OP her carer? I thought they both worked.Caring and supporting is what my dp does (and I to him) but he is not my carer he is my partner.

Depression can't be used to excuse everything

No it can't but obviously you have completely no idea how it can affect people.

And it's not always about having the energy! Other factors are here too.

I don't think he is he is her dh. Last year my dps sister was found dead in a field out of the blue and it devastated him. He had a few months off work had shingles and was all over the place. I stepped up and had to do everything literally as he just couldn't. There was no sex it never even crossed my mind and I dealt with most stuff while he 'recovered'. I did literally everything but I wouldn't call myself his carer nor would I leave him because he was just so down and took a while to get himself back on track. This is what life is.

^Illness does change a relationship.
I have huge amounts of guilt because I'm not the woman I was, I get the marriage vows stuff and hopefully my DH will stick by me, so far so good. I have however seen what having a very ill partner does to someone^

I agree. My illness takes my sex drive away, makes me tried, cranky, I've put loads of weight on, in and out of hospital. DP has been amazing and I can't thank him enough for putting up with me!

It's brought us to a whole new level of closeness.

Wrt to depression and it being used as 'an excuse' , I've suffered from severe depression since having my first child almost 12 years ago. It's a debilitating disease and it can knock you sideways, as it did me. My (now ex) dp was a useless fucker when it came to my depression, even going so far as to say I wasn't depressed. I couldn't be, because he'd had depression (never confirmed by anyone, btw) and I wasn't behaving the way he did!

His unhelpful, uncaring attitude pushed us apart for a long time and, if I'm honest, made me worse and I don't think we ever really got over it. Sex was the last thing I wanted too and knowing that he couldn't give a shit and wanted his jollies anyway wasn't a turn on.

I wonder if the OP's wife knows how he's feeling? I knew how my ex felt. That I wasn't the same person anymore (well, excuse me for being ill, how very inconsiderate of me!) and that I had a lot less energy or inclination than I used to.

He also used to hug and kiss me, but in my head it was all connected with sex because if I ever hugged or kissed him back he'd immediately take that to mean I was up for sex. This could be what's happening with OP and his wife. And I'm not saying I know that for definite before anyone jumps on me, I'm just speculating (like everyone on this thread).

I find it difficult to have sympathy in this case, having being on the other side (and in no way near to how ill the wife is in this situation).

*No it can't but obviously you have completely no idea how it can affect people."

Nonsense. I was treated for it myself for a long time in the past.

Oh, and I also continued working. No one knew I had depression. I worked for my own peace of mind, to feel halfway human, rather than just a Mum/GF. Didn't change how I was feeling inside. Didn't mean I 'had' to have the energy for sex ffs.

I don't think I was his carer I this I was and am his dp. I have had 2 transplants and I know my dp wouldn't call himself my carer either just because he was supportive of my treatment. I think the OP and his DW need help and support as most people do with anything life changing. It reminds me of a guy who had a transplant within days of me the first time. He was a lovely bloke and his gf left because of similar reasons to OP. He was heartbroken at the time but so ill and his dad was his donor and he decided to concentrate on that. He took a while to recover as he had several infections in the beginning but he did eventually and went on to become a really well known and respected travel writer. Interestingly his ex turned up before one of his trips to NZ and wanted to pick up where they left off but it was too late. Things change they do get better. Talk talk talk Maybe teh guilt is eating her up and she is pushing you away out of fear

I think not I this!

Nonsense. I was treated for it myself for a long time in the past

Then why don't you understand how it works then? Maybe it didn't effect you like it does a lot of people. Saying it's being used as an excuse is one of the most offensive things you can say.

I think OP you both need counseling and it would be good for you to participate in support group where partners who have become caregivers gather. It can be difficult as being the major bread winner and primary carer of your DS but I think it would be extremely helpful to share what's going on.
You might want to ask her to go to GP to see if she is depressed and get help.

Does your wife take you for granted? She never smiles at you or express gratitude at you for being the wife and husband of the family? You have to communicate with her the major problem is this. That losing the little civilities such as thank you and just saying I love you, or the lack of communication at all is breaking you, if that is the case.

You have to accept illness changes a person. What does it bother you more? That she would never go hiking/art tour/driving date with you? Or that she is taking you for granted? If it's the former than I think you should walk for happiness, because that might not happen again. But if it's the later you could get counseling and get help communicating with each other. If you want a date out try an extremely close proximity one. Remember just sitting on the passenger's seat can be draining for an illness worn down person. Try strolling for five minutes a few evening during the week.

Alternatively, getting a pet might help, if she used to like animals and family approves. It's important to create family activity where your wife just being there, laying down, will still count. Especially for your DS. It might help her too.

Your DW also has to accept that she is not the same person as she was years ago - even with the transplant. Especially if she used to be an outgoing, social, independent person she might have a more hard time than you accepting what her limits are right now. She has to learn how to allot energy - and family should have some priority in how much she is going to allot her energy to what. I am not saying about cleaning, cooking etc here. Just that she has to have enough energy to say hi and smile to her family once in a while. Does she try to do many things she used to do and then gets exhausted or frustrated by what she can't do anymore? You should help her to not set her goals too high. It can be self destructing for her and crushing for both you and DS.

Nonsense. I was treated for it myself for a long time in the past.

Because we all know that depression is exactly the same in every single person, don't we?

Do you mean to be so offensive?

Do you trot stuff out like this on the MH boards? Jesus, they'd just LOVE you over there, Onlypassing

It's clearly a hard and emotional situation. I think the OP might have been talking about taking his son because practically he is the main caregiver and his wife hasn't understandably got the energy to be active with him.

I agree with other posters that you should talk about everything, revisit the Dr's to discuss recovery etc. I think you can get into a cycle of tiredness when you go through something as big as her illness, maybe she needs some physio therapy to build up her strength etc.

Illness and the consequences can be draining and even with the "sickness and health" vows, people get to the end of their tether. Whatever you decide please don't have affairs - could anyone actually deal with the fallout from something like that given the already strained day to day life struggles.

Hi cricket nut

You need to talk to your wife, explain that you feel unhappy and suggest that you go for relationship counselling. Her reaction will tell you if the marriage can be saved. If she refuses to go or won't acknowledge that there are serious problems then you have little choice but to plan to leave.

I'm going to go against popular opinion here and suggest that your wife shouldn't be working or should limit her work to almost nothing e.g. One morning per week or similar. I have a chronic illness which causes extreme fatigue and a few years ago I made a decision that my DH and DC are more important than work, so my (very limited) energy is better spent on being around them. Your DS is only 9 so it's very important that his Mum can spend quality time with him rather than being completely wiped out from working. I can completely understand your feelings of resentment that your wife's employer is getting a better deal than you and your son, as she is giving them most of her energy rather than to you.

You've had some awful insults on this thread and I think you sound like a normal man who is struggling with a horrible situation. Please start talking to your wife and getting real life help, it's the only way to deal with this.

Then why don't you understand how it works then? Maybe it didn't effect you like it does a lot of people. Saying it's being used as an excuse is one of the most offensive things you can say.

Well, I landed in a mental hospital with it and was treated outside hospital, at a different time from then, for almost a year till I simply stopped going, but not because I was 'cured'.
Would also be dead long ago if I hadn't drunk the wrong weedkiller... stupid me - didn't read the label!... but it gave me a damned sore throat for days!
One thing I'd have loved most of all at that time, but which I never got, was cuddles and affection, as it happens. Oh God yes! But I had to do without.
You are being the one who's offensive telling me I don't have a clue about depression. I probably know a lot more about it than you do.

If the OPs wife doesn't want to return any affection, in spite of her knowing he wants that from her, she probably doesn't love him. That'll be the real reason.

Let's not turn this into 'who is more depressed' argument as I'm quite sure 1. It doesn't matter and 2. I've suffered it for years and still do, as well as studying it at diploma level.

I just find it hard to understand how someone can come out with the 'excuse' comment. It's ridiculous. If you don't realise how offensive that is and damaging to people with depression then shame on you. And then this:

If the OPs wife doesn't want to return any affection, in spite of her knowing he wants that from her, she probably doesn't love him. That'll be the real reason
Complete and utter crap.

1. Kidney renal failure and dyalisis can completely strip you of energy.

1. The above can make you feel less of a person, resulting in low self worth, low self confidence.

1. The above can lead on to depression. Depression can take away all sex drive, all want for physical contact. I know because I've been there. I love my DP very much but didn't want him to touch me. I don't know why, I can't explain it but is that really such an alien idea? If depression can make us want to drink bleach why can't it take away a want for contact without taking away love?