Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Thanks again for all the amazing supportive messages!! It means a lot...
It just hurts a lot right now....especially now that it's done and I've had some time to reflect.

I guess the most painful thing was just how okay he was with it and really seeing how easy it was for him to let go. I didn't think that our relationship meant that little to him

He called me a few times today and sent me a message. I was so upset the other day that he wanted to make sure I was okay. Nice of him but now I wish he'd just leave me alone!!! ugh...

And you know what else....I feel like he hasn't lost anything by ending this relationship. I've spent almost 2 weeks on this emotional rollercoaster and am feeling really hurt. Yet he is free to just walk off and keep enjoying his life. He will also (possibly) get together with this beautiful woman that he clearly cares about and live a happy life. It's not fair

Oh artsy try not to pick up or answer. It's so much better in the long run I promise. It really really hurts right now I know. But the more you keep walking straight ahead, head held high, the sooner you'll be put the other side xx

I sent him a text to say I was fine but don't feel like talking and he just replied saying he was glad I'm ok bla bla bla....at least now he knows I want to be left alone!

You are a complete darling. I hope you get to see that one day soon - which means you dont have to chase after someone to 'get them' to do anything, particularly when it involves you. If they're not on your page, they can take a hike.

Well done for not letting him wind you back in again. He's probably piqued that he didn't do it (he is a successful businessman - ime of successful businessmen, they like to call the shots). You to set a clear boundary to protect yourself - well done.

He's also been lying to you. Don't forget that.

I'd suggest you send him a text saying 'we'll see' (and see how he feels to be patted on the head like a child) but maybe not.

Well done for doing this very hard thing. You did good, girl. You did the right thing

But he only kept it to what he could manage emotionally.

He never led you on, or promised you the moon, exclusivity, kids, weddings, ever after - did he? He just had a nice time with you, and treated you well whilst he did it.

Those feelings you have only came from your direction, and your interpretation. I don't think you should be bitter towards him. The fact that he is concerned about you means that he is quite a decent person under it all.

Bitterness and endless procrastination over this woman will get you absolutely nowhere. It's just like having a big cavity and sticking your tongue in it constantly. Stop torturing yourself.

Take some time to find out what you really want in life and next time be upfront - not in a scary way, but in a confident way.

artsy

All the things that are upsetting you about your ex's behaviour would be a problem within your relationship if you'd have stayed together.

I don't believe that he behaves in an emotionally controlled way because he doesn't care about you enough to have any emotions. My opinion ( and i have followed the entire thread ), is that he is rather pragmatic & detached and wouldn't provide you much emotional support without you always feeling incredibly needy.

He sounds very kind and quite sweet in some ways but on the other hand he does appear to want everything his own way.

I suspect in the long term his pragmatic approach to emotions would be very frustrating for you and would in the end be a dealbreaker.

You may not be aware of it but you are at a pivitol point in your life and possibly your hottest Dont waste it on dreams.

You can get a man who has EVERYTHING you want and who will adore you, but not if you're pissing away your time hankering after someone who I think wouldn't work for you long term.

Run it off, everytime your temped to call or FB snoop, put on your runners and get out until the urge leaves you.

Oh and dont delete him from your FB, how will he get to see you looking fabulous in a couple of months when hes full of regret and you've moved on?

Artsy. The first few days /week are the hardest. It does and will hurt but it will get easier. You are grieving the loss of someone you love, the future you thought you had and this isnt easy. You will wonder what his up to etc. but over time this too will stop. I agree with those that say try not to engage with him now and remove him from your FB you don't want to keep seeing reminders of him, it will just hold your recovery back. Every time you enage or see something about him, it will just open up the pain.

You know now that he didn't care for you like you did him and he clearly didn't want what you wanted. For him your relationship was casual, for you it was much much more. But, I do think he made this clear in his actions. You have saved yourself finding this out for sure in 1/2/5 years. The saying "if you love someone then let them go, if they truely love you back they will come back and fight for you" is so true.

You have walked away with your dignity and self respect. I am glad you proved me wrong! You are a strong independent woman. Chin up Artsy, chin up.

Artsy, you've made the right decision.

From bitter experience, no good ever comes of tying yourself up in knots trying to make someone treat you as their no.1. It is a downward spiral ....

For what it's worth they often come crawling back a few weeks down the line and have the audacity to expect you to be grateful!

By then you will have moved on. The pain and upset you feel now is nothing compared to the pain you would've felt staying with someone who (deep down) wasn't that bothered about the relationship.

xx

Just checking in to see how you are today artsy

You did it!! Well done

Of course you feel hurt and sad but in some time, the feelings will fade and you will come out from this situation much stronger and happier!

I don't think his reaction means he didn't care about you at all. You just have to realise that you're different kinds of people. He just isn't as emotional and doesn't express himself in the same way. That doesn't mean that the break up didn't impact him at all, he just didn't show it. He still called you to make sure you're okay, that is a sign of care.

I think you need to see that this situation isn't so unique. He isn't really a bad man and he was actually quite nice to you. You just wanted different things from this relationship and then another woman came into the picture, which speeded up what was going to happen anyway. This happens to people all the time and it's not a reflection of you as a person, it's just a normal part of relationships.

It may be easier to hate him, but don't spend your time angry about how he didn't care for you or how you think he used you. Instead, focus on yourself and doing things that make you happy!

'.I feel like he hasn't lost anything by ending this relationship. I've spent almost 2 weeks on this emotional rollercoaster and am feeling really hurt. Yet he is free to just walk off and keep enjoying his life. He will also (possibly) get together with this beautiful woman that he clearly cares about and live a happy life' - maybe not. If he has got to 40 without commitment and living with someone, it is possible he can't form a committed relationship with someone, or that this is a protective mechanism. I'd be surprised if he lived happily ever after with someone.

Ah, so the behaviour your naivety may interpret as begging has started.

Remember when some of us reassured you that his lack of emotion would be a bonus? Some people who have been in abusive relationships can attest to how bad it gets when the guy won't let go, and at least this guy is unlikely to be like that.

I still don't think he's going to get that bad, but I do think he's going to want to get you back jeeesssst enough that the breaking-up will be on his terms, not yours.

Your reply was OK, but if when the he texts again, you have the heaven-sent opportunity to channel your inner Duchess - and how often do we get that fun in our lives? "Thank you for asking. How I am is no longer any of your concern", or similar. Icily informal.

Might as well start honing now. Some unwashed serf wishes to look at you directly. You don't have to shout, or even think about it, or certainly not justify yourself. An uppity peasant Simply Isn't Done, dear, and if he should be so ill-bred to presume otherwise, it is no reflection on a lady.

Or channel Chili Palmer from Get Shorty. Just pretend the guy on the receiving end is merely a line in an account book. What you want - for him to leave you alone - has nothing to do with how he feels about it.

You may mean something to him. Irrelevant - he means nothing to you. The man you thought you might end up with doesn't exist. This body walking around in his shoes has no place in your life.

Some people might now advise you to delete his details. I always advise otherwise - you don't want to pick up just because you don't recognise the number. Instead, change your email settings so that anything he sends you goes straight into a folder that you won't look at. Change his number on your phone to include the word "Asshole" or similar. If/when he does text again, don't reply for ages, if at all, and if you do, make it short and terse "don't contact me again" message.

How's your Sunday been?

Or maybe call him 'liar' in your phone. Then you know what you're dealing with.

Because for all his 'loveliness', he was outright lying to you. You asked, he lied. Simple as.

I should imagine you definitely did mean something to him - just not the same as he meant to you. Unavailable men can seem unbelievably attractive: 'if I just... I'll get him'. Your agonising about what you could 'do' to get/keep him suggests as much.

I agree with malinaaa that this happens all the time, it's not a reflection on you at all. Your ex got you running around after him (trying to 'get' him - a pattern there...) and when he grew up he realised he no longer needed his mummy around all the time. I'm sorry he broke your heart, though.

I suppose by the same token that you want to be accepted for who you are, perhaps men do, too. Lazy git? Accept - or move on (I'd favour the latter, personally lol). Just don't try to change them to be what you want. You're wasting your time.

aahaha good idea...how about lying asshole?

He hasn't contacted me again, though. He called a few times (3) yesterday and I didn't answer so he sent a text to ask if I was okay...I replied to that saying that I am fine but don't want to talk and he replied along the lines of...I'm glad you're okay, I was worried...and nothing since. I honestly can't stand the idea of talking to him now, I'm just too exhausted and embarrassed and sad.

But pedantmarina I do know how clingy ex's can be!!! My ex (the first, immature one) was like that. He broke up with me but then wouldn't leave me alone. He would call, we'd see each other, talk for hours, it even got physical sometimes....but then at the end of it all, he would still insist we go our separate ways. It was so confusing and horrible. At least I know this guy won't do that. I honestly think that if I wanted to get back together, he wouldn't agree to it.

Malinaaa and singytick I know that he isn't really that bad and that these things do happen all the time, but it's very hard not to take it personally. Especially since he is treating ow the way I wanted him to treat me. But I'm hanging in there, just getting some rest and am actually home now getting ready for work....blah

Well done for doing what needed doing.

Time to read this book or similar.

wow that book does sound like something I should read! I feel like I've now been in two very different relationships, I'd like to be able to reflect on this to learn something. Somehow, this one hurts much more than the last one did. It's weird because I really loved my first ex and was with him for several years so overall it was much more meaningful than this relationship, yet I feel so much worse now than I did then! I can't figure out why. With the first one, there was no other woman involved but I don't think that's really the reason, I think it's more to do with the man.

Mumsnet has a great word you might want to use: Twunt.

But did you read the Chumplady website? Even though you've already stopped your part in the "Pick Me Dance" it might be beneficial for you to read that page anyway - it'll help you to mentally and emotionally toughen up, and to put more value back where it belongs: your own well-being and self-esteem.

Got any good Duchess replies yet? C'mon, test them out on us! I'll be Twunt:

TEXT: Hi, Artsy, been thinking about you - hope you're OK.

OK, Go! Hit me with your best shot.

Yes, Pedant 'twunt' seems apt!

Hmm... is he treating OW the way he treated you when you first got together?

Some men are a lot better at starting up a relationship than at keeping it going.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have been true to yourself with what you want from life and he hasn't.

I have read the chumplady blog!! Even though most of those entries are about married people, I could see a lot of myself in there.
The stupid thing is, I think he doesn't really believe he was cheating on me. He kept saying that "nothing happened" and I think he meant sexually (which I do believe, given the circumstances) but he was spending so much time with her, money (that fridge was not cheap!!), lying about what he was doing while he was with her, and most importantly he seems to be really emotionally invested in her and is trying to make a relationship happen. How is that not cheating? I would say it's a step up from an emotional affair. Whatever his intentions were with me, I was his girlfriend, we were in an exclusive relationship. I somehow feel like, in his mind, I was the other woman rather than her. Like I bet he didn't want me at that party because of how it would look to her, rather than to me. I honestly believe this.

Hmm... is he treating OW the way he treated you when you first got together?

Not really, and that's what initially hurt so much. When we first met, he did put a lot of effort....but it was more like fun, flirtatious stuff, coming up with interesting things to do together, compliments, that sort of thing. With her, it's much more....genuine....if that makes sense. For example, from what I've seen...he'd never compliment her for how she looks or say something suggestive or sexual....but he seems to be willing to run over and help her if she needs it, or to say something sweet to cheer her up, that sort of thing.

With us, also, things got sexual pretty early on. There was just a lot of chemistry and one thing lead to another very quickly. With her, I feel like it's less exciting but more steady and emotional.

I obviously haven't seen them together, but this is the impression that I get....

TEXT: Hi, Artsy, been thinking about you - hope you're OK.
Artsy: Hi twunt, why don't you stop calling/texting me and drop dead!

too much???

what is a twunt btw...I tried looking it up in the acronyms page but didn't findit??

Its a cross between tw-t and --nt!!!

Its a cross between tw-t and --nt!!!

ahaha..perfect