Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

First port of call online today was here to see how you'd got on Artsy. Bloody well done. Really really well done.

And to all the naysayers, you proved 'em wrong

Hope you're ok this morning. It'll be rough for a while but you'll be heading in the right direction

It was my first port of call too - in fact it made me late for something!

Celebrate - go and buy your own fridge! Then fill the fridge with lots of nice things for you and your friends.

You're very likely feeling rather sad though, and hungover, but I am sure happy times are ahead.

Aww...thanks for all the lovely messages, they really cheered me up

It was really tough, I just couldn't stay calm even though I tried! I actually started pretty well. First, I have to say that he seemed really surprised so I don't think he was expecting it!

So, I started out super calm, just told him that I wanted to break things off because I didn't think our relationship was going where I wanted bla bla bla. So he asked what this was about, basically why I felt that way. So, again, I stayed cool and explained how I think I want more from it than he does etc. He processed it for a few mins and then agreed with me!!! He gave me all this crap about how if I feel that way, it's probably the right thing and so on. He was all calm and diplomatic about it and that just pissed me off so much!!

Mainly because, at the back of my mind, all the hurt was there and he had no idea. I felt like I was just giving him a free pass and he was able to just walk away from it with no drama, which is probably what he wanted anyway. I guess I was expecting too much, but seriously a little emotion, anger, confusion...ANYTHING...would have been welcome. So I started pushing him basically. I brought up specific things that hurt me or made me angry, and he just stayed calm and kept saying how he was sorry, this is the right thing to do, ugh.

So then, finally, I blurted out how he is now free to spend all the time he wants with OW. Well, he wasn't so calm anymore..he said that he doesn't know what I've heard, but that nothing happened between them. So I went on this whole rant about how he may not be having sex with her, but it's clear that he's emotionally involved and that it is cheating etc. He kept denying it, telling me that I had no idea what was going on and so on and on. It was horrible because I got really upset, but he was totally squirming too and it was worth it just for that.

So all this time I was basically in tears and just had to get out because there were people around us and it was getting embarrassing. Then he started saying how he couldn't just leave me alone so upset. I told him to go fuck himself haha...but he kept insisting on driving me to my friend's place and finally agreed. So he dropped me off at her place and that was it.

Ugh and apparently I was a nightmare the other night too with my friends. I gave my phone up before we went out, but after a few drinks I kept trying to get it back to call him. Then, I even walked out of the bar because I wanted to go to see him. I'm so lucky I had such good friends around me that stopped me from acting like even more of an idiot. And luckily, I don't remember too much of it!

Anyway, all in all, horrible night and totally hungover now....but at least it's over and I woke up to so many lovely messages on here and a really nice breakfast from my friend

I think it sounds like you did really well, actually. He deserved a bit of crap given what he's done to you - you didn't lose your dignity by calling him on his bad behaviour. Why should he get off scott free?

Go easy on yourself over this week. It'll hurt but you will heal, you'll move on and be really happy with someone better suited - and actually, it's so much nicer to be alone than in the wrong relationship, too. Your independence is a wonderful thing. You really do need someone pretty special for it to be worth giving up.

De lurking to say well done. You are free to move on and meet a decent guy now.

Well done Artsy, you were brave and it will pay off. Never underestimate your worth again!

...explained how I think I want more from it than he does etc. He processed it for a few mins and then agreed with me!!!

So at least you know now that he never wanted it to lead to marriage! It was all just a nice, cosy, but casual relationship for him with a lovely young woman, and with some lovely, regular sex thrown in for free.
So it was all leading exactly nowhere for you. And that's exactly where he wanted it to lead - nowhere!
If you wanted marriage and commitment from him, a man like him is obviously a dead loss.

I don't think he'll ever fall in love, or get 'carried away' by any woman. Never enough to marry her. Probably doesn't have a passionate or strongly emotional nature at all. He's entirely self-sufficient, I think. And values his freedom above all!

Best wishes, Artsylady.... and now at last that I know the outcome of your sad story, I'll stop going near Mumsnet!
I do hope you'll be luckier next time!

He kept calm and didn't show any emotion hardly at losing you after a year simply because that type of man isn't very emotional at all. All logic and calculating and in full control of his mind all the time.
The wrong kind of man for you, I'd think. It's a shame. You'll have to be more wary and perceptive in future. My commiserations.

onlypassing - I wanted to reply to your post earlier!! There's nothing wrong with a man reading a women's forum haha...I'd love to read a male forum like this (if there is one...) to see what men are thinking about. You don't have to leave hahaa

Thanks for the kind words. He is very fucking calm, I loved that about him but it also drives me insane. Although, I disagree with you that he isn't capable to emotion or warmth. I've seen him with his family (brother , SIL and kids) and with his students and he can be incredibly loving. I was hoping that he could be the same way towards me, but I guess I was wrong!

and thanks to everyone for all your wishes, they seriously mean a lot right now!!!

at him. Well of course you had no idea what was going on as he DIDN'T TELL YOU!! TWAT.

Now you are free for the right man *once you have had some time alone and to get over this prat. Give it the time it deserves a week

Happy free Saturday!!

So glad you made him squirm Artsy. I guess you were never going to get a terribly strong reaction from a man who buys the love of his life a fridge! Very, very annoying to have shown no emotional reaction at all though.

I think I was the most hurt by how he really wasn't upset and how easily he agreed to break up!! BUT...I think that might turn out to be a good thing in the end because if he did get all emotional, asked me for a chance, whatever...I probably would have given in....but he didn't really give me an opportunity to change my mind, which is good.

Time to remove him from facebook, even though he never even uses it, so I doubt he'll even notice...

To see what men are thinking about? Usually sex!
No I'll stop for my own good, got thousands of fascinating books to read and things to learn. Among others, reading Charles Petzold's 'Code' right now. It's jolly interesting.... even better than Mumsnet!

I think you dealt with it incredibly well actually.

What annoys me, is that his reaction confirms that he's always known that you wanted more from this than he did. To be not in the slightest bit upset at being dumped shows how little he had invested in the relationship.

I think you were right to confront him with the way that he hurt you, because he should have to face the impact of his behaviour. It takes a strong person to admit they've been hurt. If you'd just let it go like a good girl, he could have told himself that it was your decision and he had done nothing wrong. To say he's 'sorry' is bollocks, if he was he wouldn't have behaved as he did. I think he's probably had serial relationships like this...

The only thing that seems to have ruffled his calm is mention of the OW, which is telling in itself. Of course you have no idea what's going on between them, that's really patronising. You know enough to know that his attention has been diverted elsewhere.

I recognise your posting style Onlypassing - you've been saying that for a long time.

I recognise your posting style Onlypassing - you've been saying that for a long time.

I know!! You're dead right! But this really is it!!! Self-discipline was never my strong point, unfortunately. But I've got a birthday tomorrow and that will help me to carry out my resolutions on: 'how to live from now on...'
Didn't know I even had a 'style'... but I suppose it's inevitable.

Artsy, well done, and don't waste a second feeling embarrassed about how you were in front of your friends. What happened was probably exactly what you all knew would when they agreed to it. They didn't give you the phone, they didn't let you go and look for him. The system worked.

Don't get me wrong - next time any of them moves house, you're totally their bitch. A solid has definitely been earned by them. But nothing about what you describe would have been a surprise - or need be embarrassing - to good friends who wanted to be there for you. Give them a hug and buy them some flowers and be happy.

But back to the EX! (yes, you get to call him that - wooHOO!!!) - it is really frustrating when he doesn't react as emotionally as you would have liked and/or as you do. But he never did, so at least you don't have to deal with it any more!

Absolutely agree that you should stay away from relationships for a bit. Find yourself, figure out who you are, what you want and what you can offer. Keep posting with us if you like, esp if you're feeling wobbly.

And a big un-mumsnetty hug from me.

You have been very strong, and painful though it is, I think you have done the right thing.

You deserve someone who will adore you as much as you adore him, who will be your best friend as well as lover.

Be happy.

Well done. First step over with. The next few weeks might be a bit of a roller coaster emotions wise. But if your having a wobble come back to your thread and remind yourself why its the right decision and for some virtual hand holding.

Arsty you should be proud if yourself. I wouldn't worry about what you said. At least you know now because he admitted that he didn't want the same things as you.

Your learnt have some wonderful friends. Stay strong.

It does amaze me how they think that we don't notice what is going on!! Its so strange that they think they are clever at leading double lives.

You are blessed to have good people around you, and you and your friends will have a good laugh at you trying to go and seek him out in the future
I hope you stay this positive and that the last week was the worst for youxx

Definitely, well done. You've learned a hard lesson over this man but you've learned it while you're still fairly young and you will not fall for this sort of man again. Best of luck for the rest of your life, you are now properly inoculated against wasting your time and energy trying to 'make' men love you.

Artsy, you've definitely done the right thing! If you'd carried on with the way things were, you would've driven yourself crazy!
I know that horrid feeling when your OH doesn't 'fight for you' or 'ask for another chance' but it just means his heart wasn't in the relationship in the first place.
X

You've handled it really well. It's good you had it all out with him, so there's no doubt and nothing's been left unsaid.

You are much stronger than you think and should be fecking proud of yourself! You rock :-) look after yourself and sending good luck for your future!