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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 23:54

That also pisses me off. She got one man to marry her (even though they're divorced, I get the impression that she is the one who left her husband) and she has my bf running around after her for 7 years. What the hell does this woman have going on???

Ok. Rant about OW over, I swear! (it wasn't even a long rant...)

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 07/11/2013 23:58

She may have left him, but you don't know why. He could be a complete arse, she could have coped with all kinds of hell. And she may have worked like crazy for the commitment, only to find he was a bloody nightmare! "Getting a bloke to marry you" (which IMO isn't really a target to aim for, as it needs to be mutual to work well) isn't talent, it's luck. And not always good luck, either - just read some of the threads on here! Being single is infinitely preferable to being with the wrong person. People have an amazing variety of ways in which to inflict terrible misery on one another. Or just nagging, grinding annoyance.

Twinklestein · 08/11/2013 00:06

Sorry, my mistake, (it's been a long thread) Grin but my points about her unattainability and reciprocation stand.

I doubt an intelligent 40something guy would go on a wild goose chase after a woman with no interest whatsoever, (to the point of ruining his relationship with you) and I doubt she would put up with his attentions if that were the case.

ArtsyLady · 08/11/2013 00:11

Yep I agree with you, I think she has to be completely blind and oblivious to not sense his attraction to her!

I'm secretly hoping that she'll give him a taste of his own medicine and string him along and then dump him.

Mean, I know....Sad

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 08/11/2013 00:42

None of that is relevant. You haven't been together that long, don't have kids. It's over. The end. Sorry..

tallwivglasses · 08/11/2013 01:01

Artsy, either go to sleep or draw a picture. Oh are we different timezones? My advice still stands :)

wakemeupnow · 08/11/2013 06:23

What the hell does this woman have going on???

I'm pretty sure the main attraction is the fact that she isn't available.

LittlePeaPod · 08/11/2013 07:02

Arsty good luck for today and stay strong.

BTW, you know every time OW comes up we end up going round in circles and everyone simply reiterates the same advice given before. The more you talk about her the more you think about her.

Hopefully this time tomorrow you can start moving on with your life.

wakemeupnow · 08/11/2013 07:32

write ow name on a tiny piece of paper screw it up and flush it down the loo... then forget about her and move on

toffeesponge · 08/11/2013 07:58

Lweji the Hmm face made it look serious.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/11/2013 08:27

It's D day! Hope you've had a good sleep artsy

Anchoress · 08/11/2013 08:35

Please, Artsy, forget this damned other woman. Who may be a perfectly ordinary creature, knocked back by her divorce, leaning on a familiar old friend, completely baffled by his gift of a kitchen appliance! You will never know, even if you keep stalking her online, and that's for the best. It's not some kind of loveability scales where her looks, charm, intelligence come out weighing five ounces more than yours!

Your boyfriend has gone lukewarm, and you were in denial until this made you accept the relationship was essentially over. Tell him it is no longer working for you and leave it at that. Delete his numbers. Go down to the Frick and have a look at the Vermeers and Rembrandts, and have several lovely cocktails. Move on. Chalk it up to experience. Good luck.

captainmummy · 08/11/2013 08:55

Artsy - getting a man to marry you? Shock Hmm Angry How has this OW 'got' someone to marry her, and 'got' other men to want her?

Is that the whole point of your life? How to be sooooooooooo attractive to a man that he marries you? I know you are in america, where it certainly does seem to be the whole be-all and end-all of a girls life, but for Gods sake! Can you not be whole, complete, happy - without a husband? Any husband? Where is your self-respect?

I can't believe how long this thread is - for someone who has/is broken up with a man. After a year.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/11/2013 09:10

Captain just because it's "only" a year, doesn't negate the fact that the op is puzzled / confused and, most importantly hurt and hurting. I wasn't aware we rationed replies and sympathy according to the length of relationship!!

perfectstorm · 08/11/2013 10:21

Firstly I recall having my heart very thoroughly broken after relationships of that length or even less, and secondly - you really think you can make statements about a country as huge and diverse as the USA? Seriously? Sorry, but what a daft and ignorant comment. I know a lot of people from and in the States and they're as varied, complex and feminist as the British contingent. You can't judge an entire nation from Sex and the City. Or even an entire city, given the New Yorkers I know dedicate very little headspace to dating.

The OP's phrasing is unfortunate but that's no reason to jump down her neck. None whatsoever. She's upset and wanting support - isn't that what Relationships is meant to be for?

garlicbutter · 08/11/2013 11:08

I just thought I'd throw this into the mix, though it's irrelevant really. Practically every man I dated wanted to marry me ... This wasn't due to some mind-bending ability of mine, nor does it mean I was incredibly desirable. It meant I was punching below my weight: they all had something badly wrong with them. (I married the two whose flaws were less obvious, and proved the point!)

It's actually a little bit more complicated than that - I was anxious to please, and they were users. You often find this is the case with women who seem to have men running after them: the relationship those men are chasing is NOT one any sane, grown-up woman would want.

I suspect this may be the case with 'OW'. Her marriage has gone wrong; could have been a nightmare for her; and now your STBX is pushing her boundaries, if her reply to the fridge gift is anything to go by.

Just leave him to follow his screwed-up destiny, Artsy. You've got art to make and adventures to relish :)

PouchyOldDouglas · 08/11/2013 11:38

Empathy by-pass captain?

Good luck today Artsy I love Garlic's 'art to make and adventures to relish'.

Try and remember the bad points about him. (As for the fridge - what sort of a man gives a woman a fridge!!).

Lweji · 08/11/2013 12:04

Good points by garlic.
I got to marry, but he was an arse.
Second one, he'd probably have too, or at least live together, but he wasn't the man for me and I'm glad I dropped him.

Not to mean that you are aiming too high with this one, or anyone else, it's just that marrying is no measure for anything. It can happen but it says nothing about the people who got married.

ArtsyLady · 08/11/2013 12:06

I guess I'm jealous mainly because I don't think that anyone I've been with has loved me. I was in love with them but I don't think it's been returned. Well in this case if know it wasn't but I'm pretty sure that my ex didn't love me either. It's not just that I want to get married, I just want someone who cares about me enough to make a commitment.

OP posts:
ArtsyLady · 08/11/2013 12:07

And yep the fridge gift is so weird, but I guess nobody has ever given me a kitchen appliance before so I find it somewhat impressive hahaha

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/11/2013 12:10

But you do know that people who officially commit to you do not necessarily love you.
I don't think my ex did actually love me. Maybe in his misguided way, but not enough and not true love. :(

One more reason for you to drop this guy and any other who doesn't measure up. So that you are emotionally available for the man who does love you. While you invest in these other men, you are not allowing the right men to love you back.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/11/2013 12:18

So Artsy are you ready to kick his sorryarse onto the curb tonight? I want to hear you ROAR Wink

HelloBoys · 08/11/2013 12:34

Artsy - love will come in it's own sweet time.

I've had a guy say they love me after 3 months and I felt compelled to say it back but I don't think i did love him. I've also had the unrequited love stuff and the great love where you BOTH love each other.

CinemaNoir · 08/11/2013 12:36

Funny how people on this thread feel that it is ok to make generalised comments about American girls' dating and thinking habits. Tsk tsk!

Artsy you are doing well, and your thinking is normal and this happens around the globe all the time, and I understand you are hurt. Be prepared that your stbx agenda will be to keep the relationship at a non committed level or at least stay friends. If I were you I'd make a clean cut. Good luck.

I saw this on another kind of similar thread that is around urging 20 something's not to fritter away their time work but also relationship wise :-)www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html

BitOutOfPractice · 08/11/2013 12:39

Cinema she's dumping him tonight