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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
onlypassing · 07/11/2013 19:39

I don't want to see you anymore and by the way your breasts are droopy

But they won't be droopy. They'll be gorgeous! Grin

garlicbutter · 07/11/2013 19:52

Welcome to Mumsnet, onlypassing ... you can check in any time you like, but you can never leave ... Wink

Lweji · 07/11/2013 19:58

what's wrong with droopy breasts?Hmm

toffeesponge · 07/11/2013 20:21

Oh fgs, lighten up. I was giving a comparison for those thinking it was right to slag him off for losing his hair.

HogFucker · 07/11/2013 20:48

I thought of Simon Cowell too - I wasn't going to mention it, but now that someone else has ...

So he has a bit of a tummy and hair loss OP - does he have moobs too? Grin.

You know we are all behind you and will be cheering you on tomorrow. He may have guessed what is up and have brought you a present back from the conference, or flowers or something. Don't let it put you off doing the deed.

Can we not pull one of those Mumsnet stunts off and have a group of Mumsnetters holding a big banner saying 'You're fired' or something?

HelloBoys · 07/11/2013 20:52

Go looking drop dead gorgeous (well not overly but sassy) and good luck will be thinking of you artsy! Smile

HogFucker · 07/11/2013 20:56

And get a male good-looking friend to come and pick you up from the cafe Smile

perfectstorm · 07/11/2013 21:00

Oh fgs, lighten up. I was giving a comparison for those thinking it was right to slag him off for losing his hair.

Erm, that made me chuckle - you post as you did when the OP was trying to make a brave joke about a bloke she's smitten with, and then you tell everyone else to lighten up? Wink Though toffee sponge is blimming delicious, so I can't mock you too much. Grin

OP I am now imagining the man pulls his trousers to his armpits. The picture is more appealing by the second.

Seriously though, good luck - and well done for the strength and grace you've shown in this thread. Some quite harsh words at times, and you've handled that with so much good humour and tolerance. Not sure I have ever been as capable of that as you!

toffeesponge · 07/11/2013 21:08

perfectstorm - you are right. I totally missed it was a joke that it was suggested that someone should make fun of a balding man Blush. I could make an excuse that I have had a crap week but I won't. I was too serious.

uptheanty · 07/11/2013 21:19

Good luck op,

I will be thinking of you tommorow.

Would you believe I lead a very full, challenging and interesting life, but it's true, I will be thinking of you and hoping you kick ass.

perfectstorm · 07/11/2013 21:31

Toffee if I had a quid for every time I've done that this past few months - I'm pregnant! I have an excuse! - I could afford a really, really, really nice bottle of wine. (Not that I could drink it. Sob.)

S'the internet. It's so hard to guage tone. I knew you meant well - I'd be peed off if someone in a different position/meaning it seriously said that, too. Bodyshaming affects women so much worse than men, but dealing with that by reversing it is hardly progress, I agree. But... I think the OP is pretty entitled to poke fun at the git in this case! Grin

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 22:19

toffeesponge it's all good. I loved this man in spite of his hair loss and slight weight gain...and he broke my heart...I think I have every right to make fun of him!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 22:19

Thank you everyone for your lovely wishes!!! I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 22:19

But they won't be droopy. They'll be gorgeous!

Umm? Thank you hahahaha

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/11/2013 22:22

I was joking too, Sponge. Geez. Wink People are so touchy these days. Grin

cloudskitchen · 07/11/2013 23:10

Good luck tomorrow Artsy x

malinaaa · 07/11/2013 23:16

^oh and people were asking about his relationship history and it got me thinking. I do know he's obviously had relationships. I know that he had a very long term relationship (several years) with a woman from his country. I'm not very sure about what happened because he didn't go into detail about it (obviously..). I mean I didn't really give him all these details about my immature ex. He just said that it ended up not working out.

BUT this is the interesting thing. I think he was actually with that woman when he first met OW. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I don't think they broke up until years later, so I'm sure it wasn't caused by OW....but still, I'm not sure what this means..

I know I know, it doesn't matter.....but I'm still dead curious!^

Look, I think you are lucky this happened now rather than later. I have the feeling that the reason he broke up with his ex girlfriend is because he didn't want to make a commitment to her and it, sadly, took her many years to figure it out. At least you know now and can move on with your life.

And he had a girlfriend when he met ow, but the thing that stopped him from acting on his feelings was her husband and not his girlfriend? It seems like he was really treating his ex the same way he is treating you now. So just proof that it isn't you but him!

Anyway, good luck tomorrow. No matter how you do it, you should be proud you have made the right decision.

Thanks
tallwivglasses · 07/11/2013 23:17

i'm a bit late to this thread but I'll add my two penneth. Artsy, you come across as a lovely woman. But how many hours have you spent thinking about this man? Just think what you could have achieved if you'd devoted that time to developing your art? Making an amazing piece of art!

Good luck tomorrow. It's your time to blossom, I reckon.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 23:26

malinaaa That's actually a pretty good way of looking at it. I kept thinking that his long term relationship meant that he was able to commit to a woman. But when I think about it, it probably just means that he was not committed at all and kept her waiting for years. I guess it also means that he was possibly willing to cheat on her with OW, if she wasn't married!

But damn, that makes me think about what the hell damn OW has that makes him want to cheat on not one, but two different girlfriends with her.....and keeps his feelings going for 7 years?! and with no reciprocation as far as I know...

I know, I know I have to forget this....but I think it's just going to be bugging me for a while

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 23:27

tallwivglasses thank you!!!

OP posts:
JuneauWhoIAm · 07/11/2013 23:36

Bonne Chance, Artsy.

Bonne Chance.

(Coincidentally, bonne chance autocorrected to 'One Chance' just now.)
Good motto, you get one chance at life. Live it. Don't chase it.

Twinklestein · 07/11/2013 23:46

Tallwivglasses - have you never wasted a week obsessing over a man before? Cuz I certainly have - more than a week. But I agree a fabulous artwork would be a more creative outcome...

Artsy - it may be the fact that the OW his been unattainable that has kept him hooked... And to be fair you don't know that she doesn't reciprocate, simply that she chose not to marry him. I chose not to marry someone I was in love with a long time ago, as he would have made a lousy husband. That and the fact that I went off him completely has kept him unaccountably hooked for years. I'm pretty sure if we'd married he'd have cheated on me and gone off me ( and I certainly would have gone off him).

Want2bSupermum · 07/11/2013 23:46

Don't be so down on yourself. You will find someone better once you kick this one to the curb. If you don't kick him the curb you will waste more time on this man who doesn't know what he has infront of him.

perfectstorm · 07/11/2013 23:48

keeps his feelings going for 7 years?! and with no reciprocation as far as I know

I agree with Twinkle. The answer to the first sentence lies, IMO, in the second. Also agree with Malinaa, in that if he's done this twice it's definitely not you.

Good luck for tomorrow. xx

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 07/11/2013 23:49

From what I understand, OW was already married for several years when she first met him.

I'm trying my best not to think about it. What I've been doing is working a lot and running! And posting on here when I can't the thoughts out of my mind...

OP posts: