Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Funny how people on this thread feel that it is ok to make generalised comments about American girls' dating and thinking habits. Tsk tsk!

This threadis full of generalistaions and stereotypes (culture, parental expectations/pressure, race etc.etc).

Artsy. All that matters is whether you stay or you leave him. If you leave him, yes it will hurt but you will get over it we have all hurt and moved on. If you stay, then you can't whine about how he treats you, whether he sees OW or never commits (which seems important to you) because you are accepting him as he is and accepting how he treats you.

This threadis full of generalistaions and stereotypes (culture, parental expectations/pressure, race etc.etc)

Isn't it just. I've not commented on that despite my jaw regularly hitting the floor because I didn't want to derail. As someone married to a bloke from an immigrant Jewish family, whose parents wouldn't care if he became a professional surfer as long as he was happy, and are the least ambitious and money-oriented parents I know, I'm very aware that cultural stereotypes can be complete bullshit. IMO the last thing the OP needs is for people to lose sight of the individual person in her unique circumstances, in favour of trotting out their own personal-prejudice bingo card. Hence my admiration of her patience with it - I doubt most of us would admire a bloke offering advice on a situation who kept breaking off to share their views on what all women do or don't think, so why is culture/race any different?

Hope today went okay, OP. Thinking of you.

Not an empathy by-pass at all. I've been on this thread (and commented) since the beginning - but the OP has stated several times that she doesn't understand why her bf wants this OW - what has she got???? -that OP doesn't. Why does he want her. Why does she have a man who wanted to marry her, AND this bf running after her???
OP said She got one man to marry her (even though they're divorced, I get the impression that she is the one who left her husband) and she has my bf running around after her for 7 years. What the hell does this woman have going on??? The whole point of this thread (as per the title!) was OP was 'losing' this man to another woman. And how could she prevent that - by analysing the OW and making herself like her.

I understand that OP is hurting; she is blaming herself for not being like this OW. The sooner OP sees that infact she has her whole, interesting, loving life in front of her, the better. And that she does not need a man/husband/bf to validate her. I am single - does that make me a failure? I was married - does that make me a success? I am divorced now - does that now make me a failure? I have a bf now - so I am a success?

None of the above. I am me, and I like me. OP you need to start to find yourself, get some self-respect, like yourself. Nothing worse than a clingy, desperate-to-be-married woman. Men can sense that, you know. Your bf certainly could. IF you could find some self-esteem, and maybe live your life according to YOU, than you would not come across so desperate or needy.

Sorry OP if that is hard. Chuck the old baggage and like your own life.
I hope it goes well tonight.

Yeah Captain 'cos it happens just like that doesn't it - a couple of strangers on the internet tell you to get some self respect and ping it just springs up out of nowhere.

And your insightful 'if you could find some self-esteem' - remind me, how does one do that within the space of two weeks without a little introspection?

In all honesty captainmummy, if your posts here are any guide the OP is not the only one who could use some helpful introspection. I agree with your basic points, but the means of expression is unhelpful, to say the least.

It does feel like a lot of posters are remembering their own past selves and past mistakes and somehow smacking those old selves upside the head, as the US saying goes, by giving the OP a hard time here. Mistakes are how we grow. They hurt, and they are very hard lessons. A little kindness would go a long way - we are making different but no less instructive (or at least, I hope so!) mistakes throughout life, after all, and I think we all hope for some understanding and sympathy as we grapple with them.

A year is not a short time to be with someone when you're in love with them. It's not a short time at all. Why is this experience invalid because she's younger than we are and it isn't a marriage? It hurts. That is all that's relevant.

BitOutOfPractice I know she is dumping him tonight, just wanted to make sure it is a clean cut, and not dumping.

That's why IMO it could be strong to say "this is what I want from you: moving in etc whatever, and I am not getting much in the way of commitment: That's why it is time to say goodbye."

Artsy I would think if you tell him what you want from him you won't find yourself wondering later that you haven't tried it all. Of course this is for your peace of mind... if you want to be nonchalant then you just say things are not really working for you. Wouldnt recommend this in your headspace at the moment though. So I would go for the clean cut, nothing left unsaid and that's it.

Perfectstorm really explains why I am still here: a lot of posters are remembering their own past selves and past mistakes and somehow smacking those old selves upside the head

Come on ladies, seriously this thread is now going round and round and round and round in circles.. Aren't people bored with banging on about the same stuff. Seriously there isn't anything on this page alone that hasn't already been said earlier.

At the end the day Artsy is a 29 year old woman that says she will end it and how she ends it is her decision.

I don't think constantly going on about the same points is really helping her...

Of course it doesn't just 'ping' up out of nowhere - but the OP has asked a load of strangers on the web about it and we are telling her. She is now seeing that this man has been coasting with her, moulding her to his requirements, while giving not much back. NOW she can see - because she asked. (and we - me included- gave her advice. NOW she can move away from him with her eyes open, and although it hurts, it's the rejection of her by him that hurts. Not that fact that this OW has 'something' that she doesn't.

OP you are an intelligent, sensitive, creative and interesting woman. You say you are young, pretty, slim etc - you do not need a man to value all that. Value yourself. Stop desperately trying to 'catch' a man.

I've been accused of insensitivity and unkindness - I'm sorry, OP if I have been. I'm sorry you hurt, but telling you that he is a bastard will only help so far. You need to look at why you only feel of-worth when you have a man. Then all that hurt will give way to anger and then indifference.

But peapod - that was my point as well. This is a thread about a girl whose bf is just not that into her. She is dumping, as she deserves better. It's happened to most of us; you get over it. A year into a relationship is not a long time - esp at 29.

Arsty's situation resonates because we have probably all been there at some time.

I think there's a lot of repeated advice because this thread is about sisterhood and helping each other recognise our own true value... not allowing our self worth to be based on whether a man loves us or not.

I don't believe anyone can truly love us until we learn to love oursleves.

Cinema I think that's exactly what she shouldn't say because it sounds like an ultimatum "give me some committment and I'll stay!" Erm no! She's moving on because he is a spineless liar and she deserves better!

And I agree with perfectstorm and have been saying similar for pages now. A lot of you should drop the lecturing tone and have some heart. I cannot understand why this woman gets the sharp edge of your tongue while other people in a similar position are getting nothing but and

And any person here who has been cheated on who says they have not obsessed about the OW and their ex is, in my humble opinion, a bloody liar. I did. It's human and natural and no amount of "FFS pull yourself togethers" would have stopped me

Also agreeing that a year is not a short amount of time - the crux of it is that Artsy loves someone who doesn't love her back and it doesn't matter how long they have been together.

I disagree I think if you get enough'pull yourself togethers' she may start to take it on bored from people who have been there and done that.At some point you do have to stop wallowing and get on with life.( i split from H after 35 years - 30 married and do know what its like!!!!)

Peapod I also think that its weird to think that just because one of us says something then another who thinks the same shouldn't bother posting!!

Cjel thats a strange and somewhat meaningless response. How exactly is it weird. What a strange thing to say. My point was a lot of this isn't just been repeated once or twice its like a treadmill and Artsy then has to respond to something she has already responded to. If people read the thread they may actually realise their point has been discussed and maybe (just maybe) they may come up with something new and actually useful to the Artsy rather than banging on about the same things like broken record..

No more strange and meaningless than you deciding what we should and shouldn't post,
The whole idea of MN talk is that a group of people post their opinions, who made you judge to decide whether or not we should stop?
Not your job to tell 'people' what to say.

Good luck artsy. You have a lot of people wishing you well and thinking of you.

I think the view that you've been through marital breakup and thus a 1 year relationship can't hurt is rather like saying you've been disembowelled so amputation is nothing at all, personally. The emotional equivalent of "there are children starving in Africa!"

Good luck, Artsy. This stuff is crappy, but it too shall pass. Have a nice cuppa and something delicious to eat, followed by a hot bath. Though I'm an old fogey and wine makes me weepy, so maybe you have a better idea.

I hope it goes well. Prepare yourself for him trying to change your mind, getting angry, or proposing.

cjel yet another odd post! . When did I tell people what they can and can not post. Did you just make that up in your head. I believe I asked whether people were bored of posting the same thing. I also agree with perfects point regarding marital break up.

Artsykeep strong and good luck.

I get that some of the harsh comments are meant for my good so I don't take any of them personally and I'm really not offended. No worries!
Although I can say that I can't just get over it, no matter how much I want to. Maybe a year isn't long to some people, but I think it's more about how much I invested in that year and how I've been treated. I can't help wondering about OW or why my stbx doesn't love me. I just can't and probably won't get over it for a while.

Thanks for all the nice wishes, though, just a few more hours and this drama will be over (I hope!!)

I was going to ask what are you still doing here, then I remembered the time difference.

Fingers crossed all will go according to plan.

haha I'm still at work!!!

Have another bunch of , Artsy. And some for your blood sugar

Best of luck Artsy, xx

I'm sending you strength and hugs. In equal measure.

I didn't use the length of my marriage to say anything about OPs hurt only that I understood the pain of breaking up. Peapods My posts aren't odd You started your post saying 'come on Ladies'and went on to suggest that we should be bored posting -

We clearly weren't and people still clearly aren't as they are still posting the same.
Itas not polite to criticise my post and I'm sorry that you are confused but thats not my doing

cjel I believe it's you that seems confused. I didn't suggest anything, I asked a question. Maybe you should read my post again. You really need to read the posts if you don't want to look silly when critiquing them. Now I think we should move on. This thread us for the Op.